Videos by OutKick
It’s Friday and many of you are probably bleary eyed as you sit at your desks pretending to work. That’s because last night’s Arizona at Oregon game bled well into the late night hours. Nice move starting this game at 10:30 eastern Pac 12. I didn’t get back to my hotel room until midnight pacific. Lots of you reading right now didn’t get to bed until around two on the east coast and then you soldiered into work on a few hours sleep.
So I’m trying to get the mailbag up quickly here.
Our beaver pelt trader of the week is the 17 year old Louisiana high school student who had a threesome with two of his teachers, both blond LSU grads. A threesome with two teachers while he’s in high school? What percentage of men do you think have ever had a threesome? Five percent? Lower? I think around one in twenty is probably a fair number. (I’m excluding paid for threesomes here. Like, if you made a trip to Thailand and hired a harem of hookers for $78 one night, that doesn’t count). This kid is going to be governor of Louisiana by the time he’s 18. He’s like the Doogie Howser of threesomes.
Is there any way any male juror in Louisiana is sending these women away to prison? Hell, the men are going to return from jury deliberation and ask this high school kid for his autograph.
On to the mailbag.
We begin by analyzing the implications of last night’s Oregon loss to Arizona, which a bunch of you are asking about on Twitter. Here we go:
Coming into tonight’s game I thought there were four pretty safe projections for what the playoff would look like: SEC champ, Pac 12 champ, Florida State, and the Big 12 champ.
FSU doesn’t deserve to be in the playoff right now, but they play a crap schedule and will be favored over everyone left on the schedule by a substantial margin. If Clemson hadn’t Clemsoned away the game at FSU, then the Seminoles would be out of the playoff. But Clemson Clemsoned. How bad is the ACC? It makes the Big Ten look good.
The SEC champ — or the best team if somehow an SEC East team pulls off an upset in the SEC title game — will be in the playoff. I think the winner of Baylor at Oklahoma will also be in the playoff because I don’t see either of these teams losing a game otherwise. That fills up three of the playoff spots. Before Oregon lost last night I would have felt very comfortable with the Pac 12 champ getting in as well.
But last night’s game shakes up the Pac 12 a ton. Now there are only two undefeated teams left — UCLA, which still has several landmines left on the schedule — and Arizona, which seems unlikely to run the table. I still think a one loss Pac 12 champ gets in, but it’s possible we don’t have any one loss Pac 12 teams by the end of the season. Stanford, USC, and Oregon all have one loss already. UCLA has been erratic and finishes with these four games — Arizona, at Washington, USC, and Stanford. Then the Bruins would have a Pac 12 title game.
Do you feel that confident that UCLA finishes undefeated or with one loss on the season? I really don’t. If the Pac 12 champ has two losses, I think the SEC gets two teams. In fact, if I had to bet on it right now, I’d go with the SEC having two teams in the inaugural playoff. (Remember, the Big Ten’s best team is Michigan State and the Spartans got drilled by Oregon. It’s hard to believe a Big Ten team is climbing back into the mix given how many bad losses the conference already has).
We’ll know a ton more after this weekend’s slate of incredible games.
In the meantime, here’s an ominous thought for Oregon fans, Chip Kelly was 33-3 in his final 36 Pac 12 games. Mark Helfrich is 3-3 in his past six.
Joseph S. writes:
Every time I step up to a motion activated urinal I wonder, could there be a hidden camera taking pics/video of my junk while I piss?
“Your” welcome for planting this thought in the minds of every mailbag reader every time they approach the head for the rest of “there” lives.”
I’d like to make fun of you for wondering about this, but WHY DO SO MANY URINALS HAVE THAT BLINKING RED LIGHT? I’ve actually had the exact same thought as you. I’m halfway convinced there’s a national penis measuring study that has been secretly undertaken by the United States government.
By the way, only men would think that someone would want to record them peeing. I could do color commentating on the videos.
“Look at Johnny pee! He could powerwash the side of a Bama fan’s double wide with that urine stream.”
“I don’t know about you, but if I ever fall off the side of a building I hope Greg Oden is there to throw his dick over the balcony and give me something to hang on to.”
David S. writes:
“With Ebola having Dallas as it’s Ground Zero in the US, and the CFB National Championship scheduled in three months at Jerry’s World, what could possibly go wrong? Just 100,000+ plus people descending from around the world, spending a week in North Texas, then returning home.”
Leave it to David S. to just go ahead and ruin the inaugural college football playoff.
Great, we’re all going to get Ebola and die.
If Alabama plays in this game, can you imagine the calls to Finebaum while an outbreak has taken over the state? “Pawwl, how you think this Ebola’s going to impact the recruiting class? Also, you think it’s fair that Nick Saban has bought Iceland and is living there until we all die?”
And for the record, Ebola would finish 8th in the SEC West.
“You’ve obviously outkicked your coverage with your wife, I mean she’s a great looking woman and I’m looking to do the same. I’m moving in a couple weeks to a new city to start my first full-time job and am nervous about my prospects of picking up women in this new “territory” so I’m calling on the only gay muslim I know to help me out. I consider myself a decent looking guy, fairly smart with a good sense of humor, pretty good shape (not great by any means), and have lined up a good starting salary with the job. The problem I have is that I suck at the art of picking up women that I have never previously met. I did alright in college, but lets face it I had the common allies of alcohol and a fairly level playing field.. but being an “adult” and getting women in a entirely new city is a completely different ball game. Help me get laid Clay!”
Don’t make this so complicated. Just get on Tinder. If you can correctly use your and you’re and they’re, their, and there on that site, there’s a college-educated woman out there who will be happy to sleep with you.
“So here’s the situation I need you to settle with your gayness. Me, my girlfriend, and two of our friends just moved out of our parents house and are renting our own house for the first time. We are splitting rent, utilites, and everything by 4. Everything is going great thus far. The only problem I am worried about is keeping the TV on football Saturday andSunday. Luckily, I was able to convince them to pay extra for DirecTV so we could get SEC Network and NFL SundayTicket. I feel like at first everyone will be cool and just watch whatever, but after a week or so of nonstop football on the weekends I could start getting some push back.” How do you suggest I go about obtaining complete control of the TV remote on weekends?”
Are you renting a house together in Somalia? If not, I suggest you buy another television at Costco. You can buy a 50 inch flatscreen now for like $350. Quit being such a cheap ass.
Taylor D. writes:
“I’m a big Vols fan. My wife is a big Gators fan. My wife is due to have our first child on October 6th, but I am fully anticipating that the marital stress from Saturday’s game speeds that up.
One of my brothers recently suggested that my wife and I should make a bet for the rooting allegiance of our child to be determined by the winner of Saturday’s game. I’m intrigued because Tennessee appears to be the better team on paper, but I’m hesitant because a decade’s worth of losing to Florida has scarred me.
Two questions: One, should I go through with this bet and risk losing a shared fandom with my first child before/while the baby is born? Two, even if we make the bet, is there any chance the child’s fandom would even stick or are kids destined to be front-runners and just cheer for whichever team is better?”
You can’t choose which team the kid is going to root for in these family situations unless one parent gives away his/her rooting interest. The kid will end up siding with the team that wins the most while he’s between the ages of six and eleven.
Having said that, you 100% make this bet. The Vols are going to crush the Gators this weekend. It’s going to be so bad your pregnant wife is going to cry herself to sleep Saturday night. Worse, you’re not even going to feel bad about it.
Looking forward to the Tennessee-Florida game this weekend. I have heard a lot of chatter from fellow fans about whether Tennessee fans should rush the field if we pull out a victory. I think this is completely ridiculous, especially given that we’re favored by 2.5. My buddy thinks it would only be okay if we won with a last second play (e.g. UT-Florida 1998 or the 2013 Iron Bowl).
What constitutes a field-rush-worthy victory in college football?”
Tennessee hasn’t beaten Florida in NINE YEARS. If Tennessee finally beats Florida, I’ll be damned if I’m giving any advice on what’s appropriate when it comes to field storming. (It’s also a tremendous curse to analyze the legitimacy of a field storming when you haven’t beaten a rival in nine years. Nice work with karma there, boys. Even Jen Bielema thinks y’all have jinxed everything).
Having said that, as a general rule, it’s stupid to storm the field when you win by a large margin. To me field storming should only happen when you suddenly pull off an upset in a last-second manner like the Iron Bowl or the last time Tennessee stormed the field, with an overtime field goal victory against Florida in 1998. Otherwise it looks dumb.
“Please don’t use my name in case I’m breaking any laws.”
Pause: Is this the best intro to a mailbag question ever, I think so.
“My question, to a gay, liberal Muslim, is kinda tricky. I’ll be 36 next month, graduated from an SEC school, and my kids are still young. But, they are moving past the simple cartoon days and starting to watch the Disney and Nick comedies. So, along the lines of men going to Disney on Ice with their daughter to look at the hot skaters, I need to know if it is wrong to look up actresses on IMDB to see if they are “of age” in order to fantasize about them? (Take the cast of “Victorious” as an example) Now, I have no problems ogling the moms on these shows (“Wizards of Waverly Place”) but is it creepy to check to see if someone is 18 because I find them attractive?
Again, I don’t want any trouble, so I need some guidance ASAP.
This is such a funny question — you’re applying age of sexual consent laws to your sexual fantasies, which is actually fairly admirable, in a totally creepy married dad sort of way. (By the way, all dads are creepy in some way. This is like the first step on the road to your inevitably becoming a dirty old man.) The age of consent in 32 states is 16. If you’re wondering about your state’s age of consent, the wikipedia page is linked here.
Age of consent has become a national obsession in the last ten years or so. Remember when Lindsay Lohan was 16 years old and the media all covered her movement towards the age of 18 like she was chasing Roger Maris’s homerun record? Or when Britney Spears was 16 and she came out with “Baby One More Time,” and wore a Catholic school girl skirt in the music video and everyone was obsessed with whether or not she was a virgin?
It’s only gotten wilder since then. Miley Cyrus is headed towards having sex on stage in concert, Nicki Minaj’s Anaconda video has set an all-time masturbatory record for videos, I honestly don’t know where popular culture is headed. Sex tapes aren’t even scandalous now, are we going to start having famous people orgy parties that you can subscribe to like it’s a pay-per-view boxing match? And is there any doubt that Charlie Sheen is somehow going to make a billion dollars off hosting one of these?
Anyway, why can’t you just be like the rest of the dads and go to pornhub?
Fun fact of the day: forty percent of all Internet traffic is porn. Forty percent!
Now we need a couple of angry Kentucky fan emails to reset the table.
Stacey Fugate writes:
“All the haters are jealous of our athletic abilities and outstanding leadership qualities that we possess. It must really suck to be you. We have a lot more fans than you do. I had never heard of you until you talked crap about Ky. It makes me wonder if you didn’t do it so people would recognize your name. You are shit to us here in Kentucky! If it came to helping you in any way , form, or fashion, you can forget it. Tenn will hit rock bottom this year. I’m assuming you haven’t heard about the expectations of our Ky Wildcats. It’s something your IQ couldn’t handle. Mr Clay Travis ( what a sucky name) we only have one thing left to say, FUCK YOU and your mental capabilities!
John M. Gabbard writes:
I found your column on the stupidity of Kentucky Basketball fans initially very insulting. I then took 12 seconds to read your Bio and saw that your from Tennessee and that actually made me feel a little better about the article. The reason I felt better is #1 you can articulate sentences and #2 I care more about the welfare of ISIS fighters then I ever have the welfare of anyone from the state that gave us the eco terrorist sell out Al F’n Gore. Good luck in your futile sports writing endeavors and most of all please enjoy the failure of all the sports franchises associated with your piece of shit state. I thinks it crazy how all the trees and rivers flow towards Tennessee it just shows how much you suck.
With Contempt and Loathing,
John M Gabbard
According to a quick Google search John M. Gabbard is 67 years old. I can’t stop laughing about picturing him cackling when he added a parenthetical (s) to call me a woman in his email.
In case you’re wondering, yes, I still get angry emails from our dumbest fan base list. A year after it was published. We definitely need to update the list and make this an annual occurrence. Forbes has the billionaire’s list, we need the dumbest fan bases annual ranking.
James G. writes:
I found out that I passed the bar exam last week. Looking forward to getting CLEs through Outkick.
Anyway, during the agonizing last couple of days before the results came in, I thought of something. Is waiting for something like bar exam results the closest experience to being a prospective NFL draftee for us un-athletic people? Think about it. You spend a bunch of time preparing for this test taking a prep course, doing a bunch of practice questions, which could be similar to the workouts potential draftees do. After that you have the bar exam, which is like the Scouting Combine and Pro Days. Then you have to wait. You wonder if that essay question you think you blew, or that 4.8 40 time you ran, is going to keep you from passing the bar or drop you into undrafted free agent status.”
First, congrats on passing.
Second, waiting for bar exam results is awful. Especially because you’re already working at a firm. (At least you were back when people actually hired young lawyers. Sorry, guys). Waiting for bar exam results reminded me of waiting for an AID test results back in the late 90’s. The only news you got was bad news. Although you definitely grew up in the late 90’s early 2000’s if you ever did a fist pump — like Phil Mickelson after sinking a birdie — when you got your AIDS test result and didn’t have it.
The worst thing about the bar exam — aside from the fact that you have to be a lawyer once you pass — is you never find out how much you passed by. I took two exams in back-to-back years, the Virgin Islands and Tennessee bar exams. I still don’t know if I barely skated by or set a score record. This matters because you get no extra credit for crushing it. I want to do the bare minimum amount of studying to pass. Because studying for the bar exam is a miserable experience. You’ve spent three years busting your ass in law school and have nothing to show for it yet.
Jesse R. writes:
My son is 7 years old and plays flag football. His championship tournament is scheduled the same day as my wife’s cousin’s wedding. The wedding is out of state (Nebraska) so there is no possibility of doing both. Do I stick to my guns and stay home with my son so he can play in the championship game or give in and be miserable at the wedding? None of my reasoning makes sense to my wife. To me we should boycott the wedding merely on principal alone because only a big ten state would allow a wedding on a Saturday in the fall. Of course she doesn’t understand this point because she played soccer in college, and football doesn’t make sense to her. Normally that would be a deal breaker for me but she’s hot, smart, and a red head. So I married her and outkicked my coverage. Help!”
You shouldn’t go.
But if you do go I think you hold out for drunk wedding sex here. If it’s a dry wedding, you don’t go at all. But if your wife is going to get drunk at the wedding, the sex will be really good. She’s hot, smart, and a redhead, fight for your son’s game as long as you can and then offer drunk wedding sex as a compromise.
You both win.
As for your son, yeah, this sucks, but he’s seven and it’s a flag football championship. It’s not like we’re talking about the Super Bowl here. Having said that, why can’t he stay with a friend on the team and play in the game while the two of you go to the wedding? Not that you would ever make a decision based on sex, but this makes the drunk wedding sex much easier.
Thanks for reading.
With contempt and loathing,