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All That and a Bag of Mail: Peyton Manning Is Football Jesus Edition

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It’s mailbag time and I just had to share the greatest kid picture I’ve ever seen.

Jacob is the five year old son of two of my law school classmates. He wanted to illustrate what sharing meant for his kindergarten class and this is the picture he chose to draw. His mom immediately posted it on Facebook where it has received some of the funniest comments I’ve ever seen on Facebook. 

Needless to say, his drawing made everyone’s day. 

His mom informs me that Jacob loves baseball and the two boys are sharing a baseball between the two of them. 

It’s a pity all of you grown-ups are such perverts.

The drawing will now also double as a universal herpes warning advertisement.

No surprise here, but Jacob is our beaver pelt trader of the week.

On to the mailbag.  

Brady writes:

Me and a buddy read your site religiously and frequently have long calls discussing your twitter haters. We especially love it when you bust people for incorrectly using your/you’re.



Anyway, my buddy has been seeing a girl for a few weeks that’s way out of his league. Turns out, his ability to correctly use your/you’re is getting him laid.

My question is, have you ever known anyone else to get a girl because of correct grammar? Would this story encourage some of your haters to learn the difference in your/you’re?



(I zoomed in to protect names, but the girl is grey text and he’s the blue text)

Yep, she’s a keeper.

I will continue to reiterate that most guys are focused on the wrong things. If you want to get a smart, hot girl, you really don’t have to be that great looking yourself. You just have to be fairly smart. There are many more smart, hot girls than there are smart, hot guys.

And it’s only getting worse for women because girls are dominating guys in school. It’s at every grade level, from kindergarten all the way up to advanced graduate degrees.

It’s to the point where lots of moms and dads and academics are wondering what we can do to reverse the boy brain deficit.

Not surprisingly, I’ve got an idea. 

Once puberty hits, we need to start a new education campaign for boys: “You want a hot wife or girlfriend? Read, you idiot.” 

Then a picture with a relatively dorky dude with a hot wife.

Even better would be a simpler graphic, show a picture of a guy with a hot wife and the tagline is, “And you thought the difference between your and you’re really didn’t matter?”

This would be gold. 

In the meantime, women, I humbly apologize for my sex. This is how low men have become in the 21st century, we’re going to have to use sex to get men to read.

Will G. writes a question that inundated the mailbag this week, what should Georgia do about Mark Richt?:

“I’ve been a Dawg fan all my life, and this is starting to get old. I have been saying for years that there is no one who can show up and do a better job than Mark Richt without substantial rebuilding time. They tell me anyone is better. I don’t believe it. 

My question: If UGA were to fire Mark Richt & clean house tomorrow or at the end of the season, who would they replace him & his staff with that will win 75% of their games over 12 or 13 years & have like 8 or 9 ten win seasons? Bobby Petrino? Tommy Tuberville? Jim Mora Jr.? Maybe Kirby Smart? But is he going to recruit like Richt?

Do you know of someone else who’s obtainable who would show up and make an immediate impact in Athens?”
 
I think firing Mark Richt is a completely and totally ludicrous idea. Particularly because I think Georgia is going to beat South Carolina this weekend and still be in very good shape to contend for an SEC title. 
 
But let’s dive into the actual numbers. Richt is 118-41 at Georgia. Tennessee fired Phil Fulmer despite the fact that Fulmer was 152-52. So Richt is on a trajectory that would put him almost exactly at Fulmer’s record if he goes 34-11 in the next 45 games. Right now Richt’s career winning percentage as a head coach is 74.2%, Fulmer’s was 74.5%. Both men won two SEC titles, but Fulmer also has the national championship.
 
So there’s kind of a roadmap here for Georgia fans, look at the mistakes Tennessee made. 
 
Since Tennessee fired Phil Fulmer the program has played fifty games.
 
The record?
 
23-27
 
There is a 0% chance that Phil Fulmer would have been this bad over the next fifty games. That’s particularly the case when you consider that John Chavis, who has since proven he’s the best defensive coordinator in the SEC at LSU, would still be in charge of Tennessee’s defense. And do you know who would be starting at quarterback this year for Tennessee if Fulmer was still coaching? Tajh Boyd. When Lane Kiffin took over he told Boyd that his talents didn’t fit the system. Yeah, that happened.
 
Butch Jones may bring Tennessee back, but he’s a couple of years of .500 caliber football away. 
 
So we’re going to be looking at seven or eight years of .500 football since Tennessee fired Fulmer. Fulmer won ten games in 2007 and nearly snagged an SEC title. How many years will it be before Tennessee wins the SEC East again? I’m thinking 2015 is the earliest, so nearly a decade at best.  
 
See, most fans assume that a new coach is only going to make things better. That’s not the case at all. Often, things can get worse.
 
Guys, Georgia was five yards from winning the BCS title last year. Richt is there contending for a BCS title already. Do you know how hard that is to do? Put this in basketball terms, it’s like you guys missed a shot at the buzzer in the Final Four last year and now you want to fire your coach the next season for losing the Preseason NIT. How ridiculous would that look in the basketball context?
 
Your coach is winning nearly 75% of his games. Has any coach who has won 75% of his games ever been fired and replaced by a guy who won 85% of his games over a ten year period? I bet this has never happened before in the history of college football.
 
Why do Georgia fans think it’s going to happen the first time with your program? Have y’all completely forgotten Jim Donnan and Ray Goff? 
 
Get a grip, Georgia fans.
 
There’s also a major fallacy in the “can’t win a big game,” theory and it’s this one — you have to win a ton of games to get to big games. It drives me crazy that no one ever talks about this. Do you know the players or teams who really can’t win the big game? The ones who never play in any big games. Most of the “big games” that Georgia loses happen because they’re playing against another really good team. Of late, that team has generally been better than Georgia. Unless, that is, you want to argue that Georgia was better than the last two national title winning teams at Alabama.
 
Would anyone argue that? 
 
Now, if Richt decided to retire — and there were strong rumors that he might have done that if Georgia had won the SEC and the national title last year — then I think Georgia is one of the top ten jobs in the country. You guys could attract a ton of candidates who MIGHT be able to match Richt’s success. 
 
Guys I’d consider hiring would be James Franklin, Charlie Strong, Kirby Smart, — could you make a run at Will Muschamp and persuade him to leave the Gators? Why not try? I think you’d end up with one of these four guys as your next head coach.
 
These guys are all really good coaches, but none are slam dunk hires guaranteed to do a better job than Mark Richt is right now.  

Finding someone who would win more than Richt would be really, really hard.

And incredibly unlikely.

Kristen M. writes:

“So, my husband and I are die hard college football fans. We even watch the crappy mid-week games. He went to Mississippi State and I went to Alabama. Last year we got pretty lucky and I think our games overlapped/were at the same time only once. This year already in week one we had overlapping game times. Our standard practice is one gets the big screen and one gets the laptop so we don’t miss any of our games. My question is this: what’s the fairest way to decide who gets the big screen? (I think I’m still bitter about getting stuck with the laptop last week.)”

Kristen, Kristen, Kristen, you have the ultimate trump card here.

Sex.

Tell him you’ll make it worth his while after the games are over if your game gets to go on the big television. I don’t know any man who turns that offfer down. You should also agree to immediately switch to his game on the big screen during all commercial breaks. That way both get to watch their games on the big screen when they happen to air at the same time. 

Plus, he’s a Mississippi State fan, it’s cruel to put their games on a big screen anyway. He’s going to need a lot of loving this fall.

Make love not war, Kristen.  

In the wake of Peyton Manning’s seven touchdown performance last night, lots of you asked me this question on Twitter and email, how close did Peyton Manning come to signing with the Titans?

Agonizingly close. 

The Titans thought it was a done deal. 

How close was it?

Peyton Manning’s Titan contract had already been completed by a major Nashville law firm and was ready for his signature. On the day the news broke that he was going to the Broncos the Titans also had a private jet ready to take off to bring Manning to Nashville for a press conference. The code name for that private jet? Titans 16. 

So, yeah, this pretty much sucks.

I think Manning backed away at the last minute because the Denver Broncos management team did a better job of selling him than the Titans did. I know Bud Adams wasn’t happy with his crew’s sales job. It’s one of the major reasons Mike Reinfeldt got fired last year. 

How much difference would Manning alone mean for the Titans?

They’d definitely win ten or eleven games this year. The offensive talent is really good at wide receiver and running back. Which makes this spurning all the more painful.  

Texas Lawyer writes:

“I was at the LSU-TCU game and saw the boob flash.  However, I was also at an Arkansas-A&M  JerryWorld game several years ago at which an Aggie girl flashed the screen.  By a cup size, the Aggie girl still has the largest boobs.
 
Also, I contend that because of Titanic, Kate Winslet has the most viewed boobs of all time.  You can settle this definitively.
 
Hope you find the TCU girl, but since her slip seemed accidental, it might be uphill.  Good luck.

You were present for both Jerry World boob flashes?

That’s like being born and dying the same year Halley’s Comet passes. What an incredible coincidence. You’re the Mark Twain of Jerry World boob flashes.   

I hope y’all got a chance to read our anonymous Aggie girl’s confession about what it feels like to have your boob end up on the jumbotron. She found us. But so far the TCU coed remains hidden. Not without a great deal of Internet sleuthing, however. 

As one of you emailed me, if there had been bare boobs at the Kennedy assassination, we’d have found the shooter a long time ago. 

Will L. writes:

“Since this is a pretty frequent topic for you I figured I would share this picture from a a wedding I attended last saturday. Many of those in attendance are recent UT Law grads and big college football fans. So as you can see we decided to improvise since the wedding and the Vols kicked off at the same time. A big thanks to Steve Jobs for making this possible.”

This is outstanding, but did the guy two pews in front of you really go UT coach’s polo to the wedding?

He’s got his arm around his girlfriend/wife because he’s trying to make up for the six months worth of bitching he did about this wedding being on the opening day of college football season.

This ended with him saying, “Okay, I’ll f—– go, but I’m not changing! I’m wearing my f—– tailgating clothes to the wedding!” 

There’s a 100% chance that the only way their relationship was saved was with this compromise. 

Right now he’s wasted, but trying to show his significant other how much she means to him. 

Future vasectomy guy writes:

“I called today to schedule a vasectomy consultation with a large practice in a southern city. I ask for the most convenient office to my home and get assigned the doctor in that office. Obviously before I let this guy anywhere near me I wanted to do my research on him. I scan their website and they have nice bios with personal facts. I have 2 major problems with what I found:



1. One of his 2 favorite books listed is Dixieland Delight.



2. He claims allegiance to the Vols, Vanderbilt, and Michigan.



Obviously #1 is the most concerning. At least with #2 he attended 2 of the 3 schools.



I should cancel this appointment immediately, right? Or do I trust a guy like this with these types of things?



Also, please do not use my real name. I prefer not to broadcast my future sterility to your entire readership.”

I’m nervous about the idea of getting a vasectomy because some small part of me thinks, what would would happen if a virus struck the world and me and another woman were the only two people with natural immunity to the virus to survive and it was our responsibility to ensure that the world was repopulated? 

Except I’d already had a vasectomy. 

What would happen then?

Simple, humanity would die out.

Should I really risk humanity dying out by getting a vasectomy?

I don’t think so. (And if you think that every man doesn’t think about things like this as his vasectomy date nears, you’re wrong. We all believe our penises might one day be necessary to save humanity.)

But if I had to pick someone to snip me, I’d probably go with a guy who liked my books. The three fan bases scare me a bit, but I like my dentist because he’s an SEC fan. Given the choice between being operated on by an SEC fan — excluding Alabama fans — or not, I’d choose the SEC fan.  

Steve writes:

“As you’ve been known to do, we come before you asking for your advice. One of my best friends (Friend A) has recently been sleeping with one of our other best friend’s (Friend B) ex-girlfriend from high school. (We are now 10 years out of high school). Friend B and the girl dated for a year to two years and it is safe to say that she was his first love. However, they never slept together and the relationship fell apart when everyone went off to college. That being said, there are still some feelings there as he was texting her in the weeks leading up to his wedding and he is a bit bitter about never sleeping with her. Friend A is in the military and the last year or so, whenever he has been home, he has hooked up with this girl. In Friend A’s first encounter with this girl, he made out with her at the bar after his “Welcome Home” party from Iraq. Friend B was on hand to witness it but thought it was funny and gives Friend A shit about it every now and then. Friend B also thinks this is the most that has ever happened. The rest of the group knows about them sleeping together and jokes about Friend B not knowing. Recently the jokes have turned to how Friend A is going to break the news to Friend B that he is sleeping with the girl (keep in mind, something Friend B never accomplished). The way we see it is that Friend B is going to have his little heart crushed (which is kind of sad because he’s married now and it was almost 10 years ago now) and will probably start crying. I hate to say it, but it would probably be funny. This is why Friend A and I turn to you, Clay Travis. How should Friend A tell Friend B? And should he include the part where they broke her parents’ bed doing it? It would be nice if we could turn it into some kind of event … maybe we could all go on a trip somewhere to do it. Am I just being mean now?”

He’s married. 

Friend A should tell Friend B’s new wife that Friend B is sleeping with Friend A’s ex-girlfriend. 

She’ll tell her husband within five minutes of hearing the news.

As a bonus, this is probably the most crushing way he can possibly hear the news too.  

Ashley G. writes:

“My husband reads your columns religiously and reads a majority of them to me when I’m cooking, working out, etc. Love the Friday mailbag and your love of the SEC. 



So, here’s my question. I am from Ohio, but I moved to Texas to go to A&M, as opposed to going to “The” Ohio State University like 99% of people I grew up with. Like a majority of good Aggies, I met my husband while at A&M. Being born and raised in the South, he often makes fun of me for being from a state above the Mason-Dixon. Knowing that you also married a northern girl, my question is, will he ever get used to the idea, or do I need to just plan on apologizing for this for life?” 

I would say that my wife is an honorary Southerner now.

She’s been here for 12 years and she’s adopted this weird hybrid accent that incorporates a Midwestern accent with a Southern accent at the same time. I can’t even explain it, but if you know someone who has lived in the South for a decade or more after growing up somewhere else you’ll recognize it too.

it’s been my experience that many new Southerners love their new homelands more because they have something worse to compare it with.

Having said all of this, you’ll probably have to accept Big Ten jokes for the rest of your life.

But isn’t that a small price to pay for being able to wear a sundress in December?  

We leave you with this week’s mailbag picture, Miss Alabama in her dress.  

As ridiculous as this picture is, please note the location for this photo shoot. 

It’s clear that someone in Serbia has kidnapped Miss Alabama and is holding her for ransom. 

In fact, this is the plot for “Taken 3.”

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.

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