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All That and a Bag of Mail: Men Peeing in the Shower Edition

Okay, it’s mailbag time.

I’m presently writing this in a Los Angeles hotel room with virtually no voice. All my life I’ve been afraid I’d lose my voice and it never happened. Until now. Last night on television with Petros, I got crushed in our great debate because I couldn’t speak loud enough. Right now I’m in the throes of the worst cold ever. (By the way, no one talks about this, but one of the worst things about being a parent of young kids is that one of your kids always has a cold. I mean, always. If your family is big enough then you can pass the entire cold through your family and then repass it back through two weeks later. This is infuriating.)

Michael H. sends us this picture of a Bama fan with magnets on his truck:

“Thought you would enjoy this photo I took in front of an Alabama McDonalds this morning. I think what I love most is that the two magnets don’t quite match – meaning they were definitely purchased at separate times. This guy was so happy with the first magnet that he had to go out and get a second one made for child #2. The handy plates are a nice touch too.

May Bama and Kentucky fans never change.”

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Gabriel Garcia Marquez, who wrote this first sentence, which I think is the best in the history of novels, in “One Hundred Years of Solitude:” â€œMany years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.â€

I mean, that’s just f-ing amazing.

The entire book is just as good.

I’ve always been a big reader — you think I got this good at dick jokes by accident? — and back when I was a kid I was told if you like one book an author writes then go back and read everything he’s ever written in the order he wrote it. Here would be my all-time top five favorite writers: 1. William Faulkner 2. Cormac McCarthy 3. Gabriel Garcia-Marquez 4. Franklin W. Dixon (I know this was a syndicate of dozens of writers, but I loved the Hardy Boys when I was a kid. Don’t even get me started on the tears I shed when Iola Morton got blown up). 5. Ernest Hemingway

Okay, on to the mailbag.  

We begin the mailbag, as we so often do, with Alabama and Kentucky fans continuing to duel for stupidest fan base in America. 

Kentucky police are looking for a bank robbery suspect with this tattoo:

Rob writes:

“So, my wife of 13 years recently caught me peeing in the shower, and was absolutely horrified. Apparently, after 15 years of living together, I have never peed in the shower with her around even though I do it every morning. After explaining to her the process of peeing first BEFORE I soap up and rinse and thereby sanitizing the shower of any pee residue, she still is firmly in the camp that I am a disgusting Neanderthal.

I then tried to explain to her that all men pee in the shower. Seriously, who is going to risk a slip and a head injury getting out of the shower to pee? I have three kids to worry about. So, she went to her friends to ask the wives if they knew that their husbands pee in the shower, where she got the resounding, “No, my husband would never do thatâ€.

So, here am I with one of two thoughts… I really am a disgusting Neanderthal and need to get my act together, or, her friends are just as clueless as my wife about men peeing in the shower. I need a verdict.”  

All men pee in the shower.

Period. 

Now, most are smart enough not to pee in the shower in front of their wives, but we all do it at some point. There’s a reason that gyms have to post no peeing in the shower signs in all men’s bathrooms. Hell, there was an entire “Seinfeld” episode about George getting caught peeing in the shower at his gym. 

Peeing in the shower is one of those things, like looking at porn online, that many women prefer to believe that their boyfriends or husbands don’t do. How many men in relationships have found themselves saying, “No, I don’t like porn. I don’t ever look at it,” to their wives or girlfriends?

This is probably the most common lie that men tell. (The most common lie women tell is, “Your penis is the perfect size.”)

Women believe men don’t pee in the shower because it makes them feel better about who they have chosen to sleep with.  

You are not a Neanderthal, your wife’s friends are clueless. I’m sure none of their husbands ever look at porn either.    

GoT SPOILER ALERT

“Sean Pendergast writes:

“I did a post today on Joffrey and five roles for him the sports world. Pretty fun, innocent post. Or so I thought….it’s almost a week after the Purple Wedding episode and I am still getting shit from people who are mad the post “spoiled” it for them. Furthermore, I’m even getting heat from people who’ve NEVER seen “Game of Thrones” but are preemptively angry that I’ve spoiled a show for them that they haven’t (nor may ever) see! So I ask you, Clay, in this age of DVR’s, social media, Netflix and HBO GO, what are the official “Spoiler Rules”? I’m willing to campaign for you as #SpoilerCzar, if need be.

P.S. Here’s the post if you have three spare minutes:” 

We really do need a spoilerczar.

I’m ready to kill two of you for intentionally spoiling “House of Cards,” for me by Tweeting the three biggest season reveals.

I’m still contemplating what penalty I should level on these bastards.  

Here would be my first two rules:

1. There are no sports spoilers.

Ever. 

2. You can immediately comment on a show via social media when it’s airing live, but only in a generalized sense.

“Holy….” “Amazing episode of (insert show here).” “You’re going to love (insert show here) tonight.” The purpose of social media is to be communal so it’s natural to want to react to what you’re watching. 

3. Know what a spoiler is. 

A spoiler is a major pivot or resolution in a story that leaves you with your jaw hanging open. It’s the final reveal to the cliffhanger, a plot change that forever alters the future of the show.

An easy example is from the movie, “The Sixth Sense.” Saying it’s about a kid who sees ghosts isn’t a spoiler — even though that detail is pretty shocking — but saying that Bruce Willis’s character is a ghost would ruin the movie for you. The spoiler is that Willis reveal.     

Read too broadly, me tweeting at the beginning of season three of “Homeland,” that Dana is an awful character is a spoiler. Because that tells you that Dana survives the first two seasons. But a character continuing to live isn’t actually a spoiler. If I’d tweeted, spoiler alert — stop reading this question now if you’re watching Homeland, Brody decides not to blow up the vice president at the end of season one, that’s a spoiler. Or if I tweeted what happens to Brody at the end of season three.

Those are spoilers.   

As a further illustration, some people were mad at me in this week’s “Game of Thrones” recap for writing, “Joffrey gets married,” in the title. I didn’t even think about this being a spoiler. That’s because it isn’t. We’ve known for the better part of a season that this wedding was coming. I didn’t write, “Joffrey chokes to death on wedding cake, America rejoices.”

4. If you aren’t watching a show, newsflash, don’t read about it.

How about a little personal responsibility here? 

Did you really think a detailed article about a show wasn’t going to give away what might happen on the show?

I don’t want to turn the entire mailbag into rules for spoilers, but I’ll do a full column on this next week. Great question. It’s an important one for the entertainment era we live in. 

Anonymous lawyer writes:

“How often do you think your employer at a big company is checking or reviewing your internet history or just tracking what you do on your computer during the day in the office? I (unfortunately) work as an associate at a big law firm and I am slowly planning my escape. I spend at least an hour a day on LinkedIn and/or planning my extended European vacation (granted I still work 12+ hours a day normally, so I’m still accomplishing things). 

Do you think they care what you do? My take is that as long as they have no reason to look at what you are doing at work – still producing good work product in a timely fashion – they don’t touch that stuff. Been arguing about this with friends for a couple weeks now and would like to hear your input.”

During my second year of law school, I was a summer associate at a big Nashville law firm. I remember one of our IT people called me for some reason, spoke to me on speaker, and then forgot — or failed — to hang up once our conversation was over. The next bit of conversation was chilling. “We can’t believe how much time they spend on the Internet. They all do it! The younger they are the more time they spend on it. Every year it’s more.”

There were 10-14 of us working as summer associates that summer. All of us had pretty similar Internet habits. (Except for the one weirdo who had a thing for fat grandmas in thongs). 

That was the first time I realized we were being monitored. 

At another friend’s law firm, every email with curse words in it was automatically flagged by the corporate server and printed off for review.

That was a ton of emails. 

I don’t think it happens at all small businesses, but I do think it happens at most large companies. That’s why I always tell people to only send non-work email from their private account. Unless you’re so high up that you’re untouchable at your job get a gmail address.  

JRice writes:

“Clay,

Love the mailbag. I’m currently living in Nashville – I went to UT for undergrad where my allegiances lie. After graduating, I went to Ohio State for my MSF. There, I met a good buddy who is a die-hard OSU fan. After several drinks and SEC dominance talk, I made a bet with said friend that if OSU wins a national title in both football and basketball sometime in the next 10 years then he gets to kill me. I didn’t ask for anything in return if I won the bet (call it hubris, vodka, etc.). This occurred in 2011 and so far I’m alive. Clay, what are the chances I survive through 2021?”

This isn’t a bet. 

This is a wildy hyperbolic statement with no stakes offered on the other side. We all do this at some point, frequently while drinking with friends to prove the strength of our side of the argument. For instance, in college I promised my roommate, a big Baltimore Ravens fan, that if the Ravens beat the Titans in the playoffs back in 2000, that I would run naked around Washington, D.C.’s Washington Square Park.

He risked nothing.

Of course, the favored Titans lost that game, the Ravens went on to win the Super Bowl, and I ran naked around the park.

Now, to answer your question, it’s impossible to predict what Ohio State football will look like from 2017-21. Will Urban Meyer still be there or will he bail once the team turns into a collection of felons without much talent? Basketball is even more difficult to predict since you pretty much need at least one or two first round studs to win a title. But those players might only be there for a year. The Big Ten has won just one NCAA title in basketball in the past 25 years. 

Having said all this, let’s look at history: Ohio State has won one football title in the past 43 years. They’ve won one basketball title in the past 54.

So winning titles is rare for the Buckeyes. 

Add in the fact that we’ve now entered a playoff era, which wouldn’t allow the Buckeyes to dodge SEC competition, and I’d say the odds are in your favor over the next seven years. I’d give Ohio State a 25% chance of winning a title in either sport between now and 2021.  

Aaron writes:

“Clay,
I am a Texas A&M graduate student and the other day I went with my fiance to Starbucks. As we were waiting in line, we both saw a guy that looked strikingly similar to Johnny Manziel at the register. I was pretty far back in the line, but as I got closer, I could tell that it definitely wasn’t him, but he definitely looked similar. Apparently the guy at the counter saw me looking at him strange and said, “Let me guess, you think I look like Johnny Football.” Since he made the comment, he must get people asking him that a lot. My question is, what kind of power do you think this guy has as being a Johnny Football lookalike? How hard would it be to convince the average American that he was the real Johnny Manziel? I feel like he could roll around in an A&M shirt and get some buddies to all crowd around him asking for autographs and definitely convince a few people. Thoughts?”

Manziel is so famous this guy ought to move to whichever town Manziel is drafted in and pretend to be Manziel. Leaving aside the fact that this is probably a felony, how many women do you think would sleep with him over the next five years mistakenly believing they were actually sleeping with Johnny Manziel? At least two or three a year, right?

If he’s on a losing streak, he could just pretend to be Manziel for a night.

Of course he might get charged with a felony for impersonation, but what if he got his named legally changed to Johnny, but played it cool and didn’t pretend to be Manziel when he met girls out at the bar. Every time he was asked by a girl whether he was Manziel he could just respond, “I don’t like to talk about that stuff when I’m out having a good time with my friends. I want you to like me for me.”

Then he scores with all the girls and he’s not commiting a felony. 

This is why I went to law school, to make it easier for guys who look like Johnny Manziel to pick up girls at bars. 

Lots of you on Twitter on Facebook: why are Florida State fans so in denial about everything associated with the Jameis Winston “investigation.”

Because this is what fandom has become in an Internet era. Fans rally around their own media “truthers” who continue to spread off the record hokum from coaches and administrators. Jameis is a “good kid.” This girl is a “lying cleat chaser,” (insert ridiculous and unsubstantiated claptrap here). In an entirely backwards fashion, self-interested fan bases convince themselves that contrary to all logical thought, it’s the people with no rooting interest in Florida State athletics at all who are “biased,” while they are the objective ones. 

It’s amazing how often this happens. 

It’s why I always say, flip the script and pretend everything happens at your most hated rival. If Jameis played at Florida and every other detail in this case was the exact same, what do you think Florida State fans would think about the way Gainesville police handled this investigation? They’d be screaming to high heaven that there was a cover-up, right?

Of course they would. 

Do I think it’s more likely than not that Jameis Winston raped this girl?

Yes, I do.

Do I think a Tallahassee jury could find beyond a resonable doubt that Jameis raped this girl?

No.  

Do I think the Tallahassee police purposely boggled the investigation to help protect the football team and its star player so no criminal charges would ever be brought?

Yes, I do.

I think most reasonable people — i.e. not Florida State fans — believe the same thing.

You can read my latest piece on the Winston mess here.

Emily R. writes:

Hey Clay,

“Can you think of any other programs that have had as much bad publicity in the last month as Mizzou? Basketball player being arrested twice in the same day, DGB fiasco, Haith on the outs, I’m afraid to even contemplate what else could happen. I mean, a couple months ago, POTUS was tweeting at our openly gay (former) player, Michael Sam commending him and we were being commended for how our entire community handled that situation, and now, a few short months later, it’s an entirely different landscape. Can you think of other programs who have had this much up and down in such a short period of time?”

Brandon F. writes:

Seriously, has there been a worse 2 week stretch than the one Mizzou is going through (Even though you can count the Haith thing as a possible blessing)?

First, a report is released that doesn’t shed the best light on your school about a possible rape/suicide of a former athlete. Perhaps the best football player in school history gets kicked off the team because he can’t stay out of the police reports. A former football player, who also can’t stay way from blotter, gets arrested for making a false bomb threat in an airport (how stupid can one be, by the way). And finally, our basketball coach, no matter how bad at his job he is, left an SEC school to take a paycut (presumably) and become coach at a 3rd class school.

Give me something to make me feel better here. Tell me who we’re going to hire that would be a home run. Tell about another school who had a tougher 2 week period. Remind me of winning the SEC East last year. Just help.”

Yes, this is all pretty bad. 

Especially in contrast with the praise that the school was basking in after Michael Sam came out as gay. The positive for you guys is that only sports fans are noticing this. That is, none of the stories other than Michael Sam have been national. So your aunt Gladys is still convinced that Missouri is a bastion of athletic excellence where nothing ever goes bad. The rest of college sports fans are aware that you’ve hit a bad stretch. But I’d actually argue that Frank Haith leaving could be the beginning of good news.

Let’s be honest, Haith did not have Mizzou basketball on the road to athletic excellence.

This is a crazy stat, but Mizzou has won more football games on the road than it has basketball games on the road in the first two years in the conference. The football team is 5-3 on the road and the basketball team is 4-14.

I think Mizzou and Tennessee basketball are both in similar positions now — getting paid a buyout fee to go hire a new coach when in all likelihood both schools would have been firing their head coaches after next season. Now the question is this, how much will both schools pay to get quality coaches? These are both big hires for SEC basketball. Tennessee and Mizzou are both top five or six jobs in the conference. Make two good hires here and SEC basketball can bounce back pretty quickly.

You know Kentucky and Florida are going to be good. Auburn will eventually be good under Bruce Pearl. Arkansas and LSU seem to be close to NCAA tourney caliber. So if UT and Mizzou could both put together strong hires, the conference’s basketball rut could be close to ending.

But based on the way Mizzou athletic luck is going, I hope Gary Pinkel sat down Maty Mauk and said, “I don’t care how hot they are, listen, no girls riding on the back of your scooter this summer. You hear me?” 

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.

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