Last night I went out to watch the NBA playoffs with my buddy from the Zone, Chad Withrow. He’d been out earlier for a 247 Sports gathering of Tennessee fans so we were also hanging out with Loni Polk, who works at 247 Sports. As the Grizz did their best to give up a 16 point fourth quarter lead, Loni informed us that CT from the Challenge was in Nashville hosting a live-viewing of the reality show at Rippy’s downtown. So of course we have to go, right?
We get to the bar around 10:15 and I have to ask the bartender where CT is. He’s in the back room of the bar and there are security guards there. The security guards ask if we go to Vandy. If this was 2004, the answer would be yes. Unfortunately it’s 2014. So we’re blocked from CT.
Most 35 year old men would take this as a sign that meeting CT isn’t going to happen tonight. But most 35 year old men aren’t me. So what do I do? I take to Twitter and let you guys guess who I’m calling in a favor to meet. Hundreds of you guess. Only person guesses correctly. I call in the favor from one of our former sales people at the radio station who does all the promotions for the big bars downtown. Turns out he’s working across the street at Tootsie’s, and he’s inside Rippy’s in five minutes. Then we get whisked through the party — one Vandy undergrad grabs me and says, “No one else here has any idea who you are, but I love you,” — and then we go through double curtains to see the one and only CT.
For the next half-hour we hang out with CT. “Don’t call me CT,” he says, “my friends call me Chris.”
While we’re hanging out I ask CT what his primary fan base was and he said, “Women from 14 to 34.”
This might be the greatest answer ever.
I don’t get excited to meet athletes, but I get very excited to meet reality TV stars. Honestly, this spring’s television is starting to overwhelm me. I haven’t even been able to catch up with “The Challenge,” on my DVR yet. Right now I’m watching, “Game of Thrones,” “Mad Men,” “The Americans,” “Veep,” “Silicon Valley,” and I’m about to finish “House of Cards,” on Netflix. Plus, the NBA playoffs are fantastic. There’s a decent chance I’m going to die of TV.
CT agrees to come on the Outkick podcast, but he’s also really drunk so I’m not sure if he will actually do it. We also invited him to come to Steeplechase with us. And told him he should move to Nashville, which he seems to be considering.
If he moves to Nashville and you live here, your wife or girlfriend will probably sleep with him. That’s okay, it just comes with the territory.
Also, because I know a ton of you will ask, CT is 6’1″ 210.
It should come as no suprise, but he’s our beaver pelt trader of the week.
On to the mailbag.
Jordan J. writes:
“Love the mailbag, and because of your innate ability to answer all questions regarding debates or the acceptability of certain actions, here’s one for you. I play on the golf team of a certain university in Nashville that doesn’t like the Vols, and this semester many of my teammates and I realized going commando on the golf course is one of the most freeing things a man can do. With that said, we have yet to establish if this is acceptable or where else in public this is acceptable. Are there certain places where this is completely out of line (other than the the gym, for obvious reasons)? Thanks for your input.”
I think it’s totally acceptable to play golf without underwear.
Now, I’ve never played golf without underwear, but I’d think that you’d get a pretty swell rush from your cock and balls swinging along with you on a nice drive. You might even get a little bit of extra momentum here on your drive. Hell, some porn stars might add twenty yards to their drives if they get the cock swing momentum synced with the golf swing momentum. (This, by the way, would be great if someone broke out this explanation for his Masters win with Jim Nantz one year.
Nantz, in his syrupy, sycophantic voice: “What changed for you at Augusta this year?”
Masters winner: “I didn’t wear underwear. My cock and balls were just flowing perfect in the tee box, Jim. I crushed the ball.”
Really, I’d just like for someone to be as inappropriate as possible with Nantz’s questions one year).
The only real risk is that you pull a John Rocker, rip your pants, and then expose your balls on a swing.
Yesterday we broke the 3HL phone lines after the Mayor took a picture of me in gym shorts and there was a ton of inner thigh showing. He was afraid that my balls might be visible. Which is like my wife’s biggest fear right now. She’s always on me about wearing boxers and gym shorts to go lift so someone doesn’t see my balls. It’s not an intentional move on my part, but I don’t think much about my underwear selection. So sometimes I work out in boxers and gym shorts. It’s not like I’m sparring 12 rounds or running a half-marathon, I’m just lifting weights. If some girl or guy wants to see my sweaty balls that bad, in my opinion that’s on them. You’re the one looking down my shorts and boxers at an angle that will allow you to see my sweaty balls.
Don’t y’all agree with me here?
Balls really aren’t that exciting to see, anyway.
For instance, no woman in the history of the world has ever bragged about how awesome her husband or boyfriend’s balls are. It’s never happened. The balls are probably the only body part that no woman has ever bragged about before.
Anyway, go commando with pride.
“As a friend, at what point in time do you jump in and try and stop a buddy from making a horrible decision regarding marriage? I mean we’re probably at that point where I won’t be allowed to be friends with him anyway if he marries this chick.”
There’s really no winning play here. If you tell him he’s with the wrong girl, he’s going to resent you for being correct and confirming his doubts and he’ll probably end up confessing to his succubus girlfriend that you don’t like her. Awful girlfriends — and awful boyfriends — typically exist solely to steal away the life that your guy or girl friend once had. Absent addiction or life-threatening behavior, I don’t understand people who make drastic life changes upon marriage. 95% of people who get married are perfectly fine before they get married. That’s why we like them. And then lots of you completely go and change your life by getting married.
It makes zero sense to me.
You didn’t join the Army and move to Ramallah.
You just got married and moved to a new place. Hell, lots of the time you were already living together. So nothing really changed at all.
If you marry someone who doesn’t suck your life shouldn’t change that much at all.
Mary Beth writes:
“I’ve recently moved from Nashville to Birmingham. As I was walking down 6th Avenue yesterday morning into work at UAB Hospital, I was startled by a construction worker across the street who, instead of only using the normal whistle as a cat-call, also added an emphatic, “Roll Tide!” I looked over because I simply couldn’t believe it, just in time for a toothless smile and a wink. Thanks, Alabama.”
Until you have spent substantial time in the state of Alabama, you have no idea how weird it is down there. The 85 percenters really think it’s normal to add Roll Tide to the end of anything.
That’s why I’d encourage you to join me and start saying, “Roll Tide!” every time you screw up.
(Every guy reading this right now is thinking, “I bet Mary Beth is really hot.”)
Brett T. writes:
“Ok, Clay. So I have a question for you that is GOT related. The actor that played Joffrey Baratheon (Jack Gleeson) has announced that he is retiring from acting. He said that he’s been acting since age 8 and has “just stopped enjoying it as much as I used to.” Given the popularity of GOT, is there any athlete that has gone out on top like Jack Gleeson? At first thought, the only two I can think of are Michael Jordan (first retirement) and Jim Brown. Both were at the top of their respective games when they decided to walk away. Any other comparisons you can think of?”
In my opinion Barry Sanders is the only athlete in the past 25 years to truly go out on top.
Let me also take the time to remind you that in 1988, Barry Sanders ran for 2,850 yards at Oklahoma State.
This is the single most impressive season in American sports in the last forty years. I can’t believe more people don’t talk about this season.
Okay, back to Sanders going out on top. In 1997, he rushed for 2,053 yards, including 2000 yards in the final 14 games of the regular season. The next season he rushed for 1491 and then he retired. He made the Pro Bowl ten straight years and then, poof, he was gone.
Everyone talks about Jordan, but his return to the Wizards erased the Bulls jumper to win his sixth NBA title. That’s why I think Sanders should be the gold standard for retiring at the top of the modern game. So, yeah, I can see Jack Gleeson making a Sanders-like decision. Especially since he’s perfect as Joffrey, that role is the equivalent of an MVP season for him. Plus, they’re almost the same age. Sanders was 29 when he retired and Gleeson’s 21.
The biggest difference is Sanders played for the Lions, which is the TV show equivalent of one of those Tyler Perry Oprah Network shows, awful in all respects.
Robert Allen from Franklin, TN writes:
Subject: Lane Kiffen
“Travis a friend forwarded your article on Lane Kiffen to me. It was quite something. My first thought was this was being written late at night by an egotist who was drinking and beating off. Since I do not know your personal sex or drinking habits I must conclude that you have an ego the size of Davidson county and have the writing talent of high school sophomore trying to impress his idiot friends. By the way we have something in common. You do not know me and I have never heard of you until I saw your article. Whatever happens to Kiffen at Alabama will happen, but your article was simply offensive on about every level. Maybe I should write a similar article speculating on when FOX will allow you to move along.”
We need a pie chart for the number of people who hate me and the number of people who can’t spell Saban and Kiffin.
It’s a total overlap.
Those same people are always wanting me to be fired too and complaining about something I write or say being “offensive.” Please remove the word offensive from your own vocabularies. There’s nothing in American life today that’s offensive. We have first world problems here. Something that you read about sports on the Internet is certainly not offensive. It’s simply something you read about sports on the Internet. Also, the next time someone says they’re offended by something you do, respond that you’re offended that they’re offended. People love to play the, “I’m offended,” card, but they think it’s a one way move. As soon as you respond that you’re offended that they’re offended, their eyes roll back into their head and they have no idea how to respond next.
One of the great things about my angry email is how far behind the angry emailers often are. I have no idea which article in particular this guy is talking about, but I’m guessing it’s the one about the 12 most likely reasons Lane Kiffin will be fired by Alabama. That article is 100 days old now.
100 day old hate mail is the best. Especially when it has sentences like these: “By the way we have something in common. You do not know me and I have never heard of you until I saw your article.” How is this something in common?
But the real travesty here is his suggestion that getting drunk and beating off late at night is something to be ashamed of.
I’m deeply offended by that hate language, Mr. Allen.
Getting drunk and beating off is what makes America great.
I’m praying that LD’s going to do another season of Curb and that somehow his friendship with Charissa will lead to Fox Sports having a role. I’ve played myself in “Blue Mountain State.” If I could play myself for a line on Curb, I might pull a Barry Sanders/Joffrey and just retire at the top of my game. (Note: By “at the top of my game,” I mean doing push ups and telling dick jokes. I’m pretty f’ing awesome at both of these things right now).
Brandon A. writes:
“Thereâ€™s no other gay Muslim I would trust with this decision, so you should feel honored. Iâ€™m getting married next weekend, and my friends/groomsmen keep asking me about golf on Saturday (the morning of the wedding). My initial thought was that I donâ€™t want to play golf that day, because I donâ€™t want to feel rushed. Iâ€™ve done it plenty of times for other peopleâ€™s weddings, and it always seems to go longer than usual and people end up rushed. Thatâ€™s fine for weddings that Iâ€™m attending, but I donâ€™t really want to feel that way for mine. Plus, a bunch of my family will be in from all over the country, and I see them maybe once a year. Iâ€™m getting pressured more and more to set some golf up for that morning, and I feel myself giving in. We have to be at the venue at 2:00 to start getting dressed, ready for pictures, etc. Am I being stupid about this, and should I just suck it up and play? Or since itâ€™s my wedding, should I have the choice to stand up and just tell everyone I want to relax on that morning? For the record, I play golf probably once a week, so itâ€™s not like itâ€™s an uncommon thing that Iâ€™d be missing out on. Your thoughts?”
There’s no reason for you to golf on your wedding day.
Let your friends go golf without you. You can only play with three guys, right? It’s not like you’re hanging out with everyone. I’d suggest this compromise, you agree to go out drinking with your buddies the night before your wedding instead. That way you get home by two or so, you wake up around ten, have plenty of time to visit with friends and relatives in town for your wedding and if your buddies really want to go golf they can drag themselves out of bed to make that tee time.
You already golf once a week. Presumably your wife isn’t forbidding you to golf for the rest of your life. Golfing on your wedding day isn’t a big deal. The only reason this trend started is because other than drinking, talking about women you’d like to sleep with, or watching sports groups of men have no idea what to do together.
I think we need more clarification as to what constitutes an 85-percenter. Initially, I thought an 85-percenter was a person who was a rabid fan of a college football team even though he had no hope of getting into said college, who pretty much fails at all aspects of life, and has nothing but the success of his chosen football team going for him. Some commenters, however, have suggested that anyone who cheers for a college team and did not graduate from that college belongs in the 85%. This terrifies me because I have been an Auburn fan my entire life. I grew up in Knoxville, though, and went to both undergrad and law school at UT. There were a few reasons for that, but I assure you that it wasnâ€™t because I couldnâ€™t have gotten admitted to Auburn if I had applied. I have season football tickets at Auburn and drive about five hours each way for every home game (even during the woeful 2012 season). I also go to the post-season games and try to make at least one away game each year (in a strung-out Dixieland Delight-type tour). I love everything about Auburn: the town, the school, the people, the sports. I have more orange and blue in my wardrobe than all of the other colors combined. I would definitely consider myself a passionate fan.
I am, however, relatively successful in other aspects of life (although not as successful as you, because Iâ€™m still practicing law). I have never poisoned a tree or otherwise vandalized a hated rivalâ€™s campus, teabagged or otherwise assaulted an opposing fan, called in to the Finebaum show, or gotten arrested (which is to say that I donâ€™t have a mug shot in which an Auburn shirt makes an appearance). I donâ€™t have any children, so there is no teenage pregnancy/baby daddy in prison backstory. I have friends and family who are Alabama fans (15-percenters), and we manage to interact peacefully. So what are the characteristics of an 85-percenter? Does only Alabama have an 85%? If you graduated from any 4-year college, are you exempt from the 85%? Could someone who graduated from, say, Alabama ever be part of Alabamaâ€™s 85% (e.g., if Harvey Updyke had graduated from there but all of his other characteristics remained unchanged)? These are important questions. And please, I would like to remain anonymous. I cannot bear to be publicly identified as an 85-percenter if your answer leans that way.”
Alabama has more dumb fans who couldn’t be admitted to the school than any other university in the country. So in my ranking of the dumbest fan bases in America, I said I was firmly convinced that 85% of the Alabama fan base could never be admitted to the University of Alabama. So there’s a clear divide in their fan base between the intelligent and the unintelligent.
You can be, however, in the 15% if you went to Alabama or if you could have gone to Alabama and chose to go elsewhere for school. For instance, what if you grew up a huge Tide fan, are really smart — I know, I know, it’s a leap of logic — and then you got admitted to Harvard? Are you supposed to pick Alabama over Harvard? Of course not. You’d go to Harvard and as a result wouldn’t graduate from Alabama. But you’d still be in the 15% of the Tide fan base that could be admitted to Alabama.
Basically, if you are smart enough to have been admitted to Alabama or if you attended the school, you’re not in the 85%.
I need to come up with percentages for other schools. Kentucky is like the 84.5%. It’s just beneath Alabama.
Everyone knows that when you have the good fortune of hitting a hole in one that you buy drinks for everyone in your group, as well as anybody in the club house that has to hear you go on and on about it for the rest of the day. Well on Monday I hit my first hole in one a slam dunk 150 yard 9 iron that made anything else that happened in the rest of the day obsolete, or so I thought. Four holes later one of my playing partners has one of his own from 210 yards, bullshit I know. So my question is who has to fit the increasingly growing alcohol bill that will be following this probably once in a lifetime feat. For what its worth I think it has to be the glory stealing SOB that hit the second one.”
This is too easy, you split the bill.
But I honestly think we need a new tradition if two playing partners both get hole-in-ones on the same round. Given the improbable odds of this happening, just buying drinks doesn’t seem significant enough. We need something more substantial to happen.