All That and a Bag of Mail: Matt Stafford's Girlfriend Loves America Edition

Okay, it's time for a mailbag from lovely Mackinac Island, Michigan. 

We got engaged here ten years ago and try to come up for a week every summer. 

If you haven't ever been and you have kids, it's pretty awesome. If you're a college kid and you're trying to find somewhere to go to make decent money and have a lot of fun without having to spend much money, it's a no-brainer. If I hadn't married a girl from Michigan I would have never heard of the place. But if you get tired of Southern humidity and you're looking for a place where it's around 78 for a high and 65 for a low in July, this is your place. 

Okay, on to the mailbag. 

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Kelly Hall, Matthew Stafford's girlfriend. She loves America. 

Funny story about she and Stafford. At the Indianapolis Super Bowl I was walking outside with Chad Withrow, my buddy and one of the co-hosts on the midday show here in Nashville. 

It's around 2:30 in the morning and we're walking outside from a hotel bar when a couple comes strolling into the lobby. 

They pass us and Withrow says, "Did you see that?"

I say, "Yes, that blonde was smoking hot."

Withrow shakes his head, "No, that was Matt Stafford."

I didn't even notice him.

Although I vaguely remember thinking that the hot blonde was with a chubby frat guy. 

So thank you for loving America, Kelly.

On to the mailbag.  

Jackson H. writes:

"With college athletes exploiting social media and constantly getting in trouble (Manziel, Marshall Henderson). If you're doing a reality TV show, you get to put 5 current college athletes in a beach house in Panama City for spring break (Free Booze, Strippers, Everything). What do you think goes down? Who do you choose? Would this break the Internet? (Granted, the NCAA didnt know about the freebies)."

Great question.

My thought is that you have to pick famous athletes because otherwise they could just slide under the radar and not be that recognizable to the average party-goer at Panama City Beach. 

You have to go Manziel and Marshall Henderson. There's no debate there at all. Just a Manziel and Marshall Henderson reality show by itself would be fabulous.

Then I think you should add in AJ McCarron. And force him to go shirtless so his Mobile tattoo skyline is always visible.   

I think you reach back in time and make Stephen Garcia an honorary member of the team.

That leaves us one spot.

I'm open to your suggestions for who number five should be.

Who you guys got? 

Bryant B. writes:

"I know you don't write much about MLB, but this could also be a question for the NFL too. Ryan Braun might be suspended 100 games because of his link to the biogenesis lab and lots of people are debating whether that's too much punishment or not enough. It got me thinking. Why not ban them forever? If CPAs cook the books, they can't be an accountant anymore. Same for insider trading. And If doctors are cheating/cutting corners I'm sure they could have their license taken away. Basically in most other professional settings the guilty/cheating party is severely punished and often banned for life from the industry. Why not pro sports?"

Really interesting question. 

The easy answer is because the athlete player unions are too strong to allow this to happen. The punishments are collectively bargained so that ownership and players can reach accord on the proper punishments. 

Your point though is a strong one. 

In most other professions when you're caught cheating you lose your license to practice, potentially forever. CPAs, Wall Street traders, doctors and lawyers all face much tougher punishments for cheating than pro athletes do.  

Warner R. writes:

"I work in a 24 story office building. My office is on the 22nd floor. About once a week I get to work and get on an elevator with someone who only takes it to the third or fourth floor (The lobby, where I get on, is considered the 2nd floor).

Great question. 

I lived on the second floor of a dorm my sophomore year and we never took the elevator for this very reason. 

As a general rule, we settled on the fourth floor as the first floor that a reasonably healthy college kid -- which just about everyone is -- should be able to take the elevator up to. (The building was nine floors).

We allowed exceptions in the event that there was no one else around -- you're stumbling home at four in the morning -- or you're carrying lots of groceries or beer or something like that. 

The more crowded the building or the slower the elevator or the longer the wait, the fewer excuses there are. 

This goes double for coming downstairs on the elevator. 

There is absolutely no reason that someone should ever take the elevator down from the second or third floors.

So, as a general rule, I'm going fourth floor.  

W.M. writes:

"About a week ago a pledge brother of mine was riding in a car with his girlfriend, both of whom were slightly intoxicated. His girlfriend was driving and while going around a sharp curve they skidded off the road. Before the police arrived my friend told his girlfriend to run and get into a car with another friend so she would avoid getting a DUI. When the cops arrived my friend was arrested and issued a DUI. My friend is just about to be a sophomore and has only been dating this girl for 6 months. My question is would you classify this act as a heroic act for your girlfriend or an act of pure stupidity since it will inevitably be on his record forever?"

I would call it an act of pure stupidity with one caveat. That is, was she driving his car? If she was, he could have gotten hit with a DUI if he was drunk and he allowed her to drive anyway. In this case he might have saved a double DUI.  

Second, if she was able to flee the scene and no one was injured, why didn't he pull a Lane Kiffin and run too?

Third, as a PSA, call a cab and leave your car parked at the bar. Better yet, never drive to the bar so you're not even tempted to drive home. If you're on a college campus and you're going more than two miles to a bar then you're trying way too hard.

There will be plenty of time for you to go to suburban bars. Contrary to what Alabama fans everywhere believe, drinking heavily at Applebee's is not something to be proud of.   

Nathan B. writes:

"Clay, first off you are my new favorite sports writer. I love the website and read everyday. I have to ask. So me and a buddy of mine are dying to do a threesome with a hot girl friend of mine but we have a really close relationship and I'm kinda of a puss and don't know how to approach it. Any advice?"

A threesome with another dude and one girl?

So you're just skipping right over attempting to hook up with her alone? 

Woah.

Much to my regret, I'm no expert on college threesomes but the number of girls that are willing to be in a threesome with two men has to be pretty low. I'd think that two girls and one guy in college has to be about four or five times as common as two guys and one girl. What's more, the number of girls who are willing to have a threesome with two guys she has never hooked up with before, has to be even lower. 

Has anyone ever gone from never hooking up with a close girlfriend straight to the threesome? This has to be even rarer.  

The female body looks beautiful naked. The male body is too utilitarian and very awkward. That's why most women would rather see us in underwear than fully naked. You've got penises swinging around with sweaty balls bouncing everywhere, awkward hairy asses, facial stubble, we probably stink, it's really a tribute to biology that any woman ever sleeps with any of us.

Make your best effort with her. 

If it fails, so be it. 

Good luck. 

(And the big elephant in the room here, if you're secretly attracted to your male friend and starting to think you might be gay, don't run from it. Be you.)

I also asked Lori to jump in here and give a female perspective:

Let's be clear; You can't approach a friend you've never even hooked up with and ask her to have a threesome with you and your boyfriend, I mean, male friend. How many people are you ok with knowing about your intentions? Because if I were this girl I would tell everyone.

So I think you should skip the conversation about it. The only way this is going to happen for you is if it happens organically. Like one of you succeeds at getting her into bed and the other slowly joins in. Who is better at picking up girls? Make him the lead and give it your best shot one weekend night. (Because threesomes never happen on, say, a Tuesday, right?)

One more thing Nathan, who is hotter, Anderson Cooper or Neil Patrick Harris? 

Clint C. "How bad do you want to see the upcoming movie Sharknado?" 

Really, really bad. 

But about one-tenth as bad as my five year old. 

Two of his favorite things on earth are tornadoes and sharks. Combining them together into a movie is about as good as life can get for a five year old. 

There is a 100% chance I am watching this movie. 

100%. 

There's probably a decent chance I will write a movie review as well.

Have great weekends and thanks for all you do to make OKTC so much fun.