It’s Friday, you’re pretending to work while reading OKTC, and it’s mailbag time.
Let’s dive in now.
First, our beaver pelt trader of the week comes via nominee from Brian H.
“Tavon “Bulldog” White… inmate in Maryland prison. Got four female guards pregnant (one twice). Two of them had his name tattooed. P.I.M.P. read the Gawker story if you haven’t already…”
From Gawker:
“Tavon White fathered five children by four different guards between 2011 and 2012. Two of the women later had “Tavon” tattooed on their bodies (one her neck, the other on her wrist). One was given a diamond ring, and both were allowed to drive Mercedes Benzes belonging to White. A third woman was provided an Acura. No word on what the fourth woman got.”
The woman who got the Acura had to be pissed, right?
White headed up the “Black Guerilla Family” prison gang — which somehow feels racist just to type — and this story provides further evidence that women are desperate to find men.
Think about this for a minute, you know White couldn’t hide this relationships from the other women, right? (If he managed to hide four simultaneous relationships with prison guards while restricted to a jail cell being watched over by these prison guards, he’s the greatest player of all time).
So all these women are competing for a prison inmate?
I’m willing to give one of these women a pass. So you fall in love with the leader of the Black Guerilla Family prison gang who currently lives in a jail cell and you find yourself pregnant with a prisoner you’re in charge of watching all the time?
Hey, it happens.
So you can’t go to Chili’s on the weekend? Small price to pay, you know where he is all the time, no matter what the guy who lives in the jail cell is going to be faithful to you because his other options are men and then…oh, hell no.
But once you found out that three other women were also sleeping with him, wouldn’t that impact your feelings a bit? And let’s say you were the first woman who got the Tavon tattoo, do you really want to be the second woman to get a tattoo with the name of a man your job requires you to protect on your body? As if the babies weren’t evidence enough, now you’ve got a tattoo of his name on your body? And no one thinks to wear a condom during sex with a prison inmate? No one?
I mean, you’re sleeping with a prison inmate, these guys aren’t exactly renowned for their hygiene. (Derek Dooley would be truly appalled at the shower etiquette in prison).
In general men attract women with some combination of these four factors: money, looks, talent and wit.
Evidently freedom is negotiable.
Play on playa.
Fredric L. writes:
“Ladies love puppies, ladies love Kliff. Together they might be unstoppable.”
Kliff Kingsbury getting a puppy is like a Barry Bonds taking performance enhancing drugs, it’s just unfair and kills the integrity of the game.
Every woman — and many men — near Lubbock already wanted to sleep with Kingsbury before he became a multi-millionaire head coach. Now he’s a multi-millionaire head coach with a puppy. If Kingsbury adopts an adorable African baby girl, the rest of us should just go plan on our wives standing in a long line outside Kingsbury’s house like when they give away free pancakes at IHOP.
You can’t stop Kliff Kingsbury’s sexual magnetism, you can only hope to contain it.
If Tavon “Bulldog” White can get five women pregnant in two years while in prison, how many women could Kliff Kingsbury impregnate?
A billion is the answer.
James W. writes:
“In honor of the NFL Draft taking place over the weekend, and since you are the self-proclaimed (unverified) master of online dating, who better to ask for dating advice – NFL Draft style? I’ll give 5 prospects and some pros/cons (and Mel Kiper cliches) for each; please rank them in order of draftabilty.
Me: 32 yo divorced, single dad. Gainfully employed, fast-riser and hard-working (aside from reading the mailbag). Fitness is a priority. Liberal disposition.
1. 32 yo blonde. Gainfully employed. Great sense of humor. Residence is in close proximity to mine. Satisfies my intellectual needs. Fitness is not a priority. Doesn’t really match the system’s long-term goals (does not want more kids). Ok with BJs. Durability concerns: Divorced. Twice.
2. 24 yo strawberry blonde. College degree. Full time job, plus a part time job on the side. Never married. Very conservative sense of humor and general outlook on life. Fitness is important, but not primary. Residences are within the same city, but not very close. Tweener. Prefers HJs.
3. 33 yo brunette. High earning potential occupation. Fitness is at the top of her priorities. Character issues: Very shy and introverted.
4. 22 yo blonde specimen. Waitress. Incredibly fit and toned physique. Very conservative social and religious views. Outstanding versatility and high motor in the bedroom. Great ball skills. High risk/high reward.
5. 29 yo ex gf. Character issues: Bat shit crazy.”
Okay, what you should know to begin with is that Tavon “Bulldog” White has already slept with all five of these women.
So keep that in mind.
Also, that the amount of time I spent on this hypothetical is astounding. I’m really trying to give you good advice with limited potential information while I’m also slightly terrified that “fitness” ranks so highly on your list.
I’m assuming that the goal is marriage — as opposed to just sex, in which case you should just keep sleeping with the 22 year old with the high motor — and that you’re hoping not to get divorced again.
I’m tossing out the ex-gf and ranking her fifth on the big board. The reason? You actually know her well and she’s crazy. You can’t cure crazy.
Next I’m ranking the 32 year old blonde, fourth on your list, because she’s twice divorced and doesn’t want kids. Once you’ve been divorced twice your odds of getting divorced a third time are really, really high. I don’t think you want to roll with those odds, it’s like giving Pacman Jones a garbage bag of cash in Vegas. Bad things are coming.
As much as it pains me to do so, I’m also tossing out the 22 year old waitress. Yeah, she’s great in bed, but that’s because she’s 22. If you marry her, eventually she won’t want to sleep with you too. Then you’ve married a very conservative waitress who will be voting for Presidents for the next twenty years based on their stance on gay marriage. Do you really want to have those debates? Plus, she’s a decade younger than you and you already have a kid. Do you want your kids to end up decades apart?
So I think it comes down to the 33 year old brunette or the 24 year old strawberry blonde. I’ll admit that I’m really troubled by the strawberry blonde’s “conservative sense of humor.” What does this even mean? For instance, would she be offended by Outkick or, more alarmingly, is she just dumb? Lots of time I’ve found “conservative sense of humor” to be code for “not smart enough to get my jokes.” I need a bit more info here because I like her work ethic and college degree. Also, a well-delivered handjob, as you age, becomes attractive again. Like when I realized how much I liked peanut butter and jelly sandwiches after I had kids. Damn, they’re good. Why did I ever stop eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?
But you say the 33 year old brunette has character issues. After one divorce don’t you have to avoid character issues like the plague? (Even if your character issues were the reason you got divorced in the first place. You don’t want to combine two people with character issues. Then you’ve got the Brody marriage in Homeland.)
So I’m saying go with the strawberry blonde 24 year old. But I would like more information on the conservative sense of humor. That could be a deal breaker.
Y’all agree with me?
Ryan S. writes:
“Where does Joffrey on Game of Thrones rank in your most hated characters of all time list?”
He’s number two behind Dana from Homeland.
Joffrey is awful and eminently hateable, but Tom Hanks couldn’t play the role of Joffrey and make him likeable. That’s because Joffrey is a thoroughly detestable character with no redeeming qualities. The job of the actor is to make him this way. It doesn’t make me hate him any less, but Dana isn’t supposed to be entirely hateable. We’re supposed to like her because she humanizes her father. Instead, I keep rooting for Abu Nassir to kill her.
My top five most hateable characters of all time list would look like this:
1. Dana from Homeland
2. Joffrey from Game of Thrones
3. The Wiggles
4. Draco Malfoy from Harry Potter
5. Janice, Tony’s sister, from The Sopranos
Steven L. writes:
“The NFL made Adam Schefter shut down his twitter last night for the first round of the draft. Do you find this absurd? First, the NFL is telling ESPN to essentially censor one of its reporters and second Schefter is ESPN’s number one twitter guy, he has over 2 million followers that didn’t get a single piece of draft information from him for the entire first round, that lasted for almost four hours. Do you think ESPN will let this happen again next year, or will they fight for their most popular NFL twitter analyst?”
I think it’s really, really troubling that the NFL can force ESPN to shut down Schefter and that ESPN is willing to make it happen to keep the NFL happy. I loved Schefter telling me the picks in advance last night. If you don’t want to know the picks in advance, don’t go on Twitter, it’s not that hard.
I’m actually shocked this isn’t a bigger story because it goes to the heart of ESPN’s conflicts issues, that is, is the league too close to its television partners? I understand why the NFL could mandate that the guys who work at the NFL Network not Tweet picks in advance — I still find it troubling but, after all, they’re actual NFL employees — but ESPN claims to be an independent news-gathering organization. How can you not let your best news-gatherer break news during one of the biggest sports news events of the year?
I’m guessing what the NFL did was threaten to take away ESPN’s rights to cover the draft in future years and make it exclusive to the NFL Network. From a business perspective not pissing off your league partners makes sense — especially given how much money ESPN makes from draft coverage and the actual draft — but from a news perspective it’s a complete and total sell-out.
And where’s the line on what the NFL can demand in the future?
If the NFL can force ESPN to restrict news at this event, where else can it do the same? Basically, how much can the NFL dictate to ESPN what they cover and how they cover it? This should be alarming to sports fans because it illustrates one of the biggest fears out there, that ESPN’s news arm is captured by the leagues it covers.
John B. writes:
“Bill Clinton is on Twitter now. How long until he figures out how Twitter DMs work? And how long until he gets into trouble with them? Rank the Twitter Bill Clinton scandal odds.”
Clinton is such a needy guy that you know he’s going to read all his at mentions. This is trouble. In fact, how many hot girl profiles do you think he’s already clicked on to get a better look at their profile picture? Hundreds, right?
Could Clinton become the first president to get catfished this way? Would you be entirely surprised if it came out during HIllary Clinton’s 2016 presidential campaign that Bill had a fake online girlfriend he’d been sending pictures to for months?
Also, who will he follow on Twitter because this is a big danger?
So far the only people he’s following are Chelsea Clinton and Stephen Colbert. But can you imagine if he starts following a bunch of hot Hollywood actresses? They’ll follow him back and he’s definitely going to send an accidental DM to his Twitter followers instead of to her. Which will be outstanding.
Would you be shocked if he Anthony Weiner’d himself on DM?
In fact, how much different would Bill Clinton’s life be if modern technology had existed during his presidency? How many text messages would Monica Lewinsky have been sending to Clinton’s inevitable, secret, sex batphone? Can you imagine reading these Lewinsky texts in the Starr report?
I mean, hell, would Bill Clinton have even become president if there was modern technology?
Or would he have had too many sex tapes?
Basically, there’s a 100% chance that Clinton’s Twitter account will in some way become an unwanted story during Hillary’s presidential run.
And I don’t care which political party you support, the humor possibilities of Bill Clinton as first man are just endless.
Ryan K. writes:
“I will be finishing up my last exam of law school at Florida today. It’s been a long three years and I’m doing a bit of soul searching. I don’t have a job lined up, don’t really have any serious leads, and don’t feel like I have a clue what I’m going to do with my life. My dream has always been to work in sports but I don’t see many opportunities at this point. The whole thing is a bit discouraging. As a fellow law school grad, I was hoping you could give a quick pep talk to all the soon-to-be lawyers and graduating 3Ls.
If nothing else, maybe I’ll come out of my three hour exam tomorrow and see my name in the mailbag. That might be the only thing that goes right for me until I crack my first beer as a free man around noon. Despite the dark days ahead with the bar exam and the terrible job prospects in the legal field, we’ll be partying in Gainesville tomorrow night like we have college football on Saturday. Fortunately, the Gators report to camp in 89 days. I’ll still be jobless, but I’ll be truly happy.”
I hear from a lot of law school students these days because the job market is beyond awful and because I have a non-traditional lawyer’s job. Lots of you guys are really struggling to find jobs and that seems pretty unfair because you have a great deal of debt and in the past law degrees have been pretty good safety nets.
The only thing worse than studying for the bar exam is studying for a bar exam with no job and no real prospects of a job.
I know how stressful that is, but just know that the stress is infinitely lower as long as you are single and don’t have kids. (If you’re married with kids and went to law school to guarantee your family a better income, then I really feel for you guys and girls. That, my friends, is true stress.) If you’re single without kids, the amount of money you have to make is still pretty low.
The awful legal environment is actually a chance to do exactly what you want to do. I’d try to look at it as an opportunity as opposed to an obstacle. Too often I feel like young lawyers — and other young grads — get locked into how much money they’re making.
Why do you need that much money? Just about any job you take is going to be more money than you were making before, right? So find something you love and get to it.
In years past lots of young lawyers made the “smart” decision and took the big firm jobs because they paid the best. These jobs are awful and only a few of you will manage to stick it out for very long at these places. Two of my best friends got married recently, there were 25 lawyers that I graduated with at these weddings. Do you know how many of those people are still in the job they took upon graduation?
One person.
One out of twenty-five.
And, like a lot of you, we were all obsessed over what that first job would be.
But the first job you take isn’t likely to last that long.
Instead, find something that you love to do and see if you can make a living at it. Don’t worry about your income. You’re smart enough to graduate from Florida law school, that’s never going to hurt your pursuit of what you like to do. And if you’re smart enough to graduate from Florida law school, you’re probably smart enough to dominate a new, non-legal field.
You’re talking to a guy who practiced law for two years and then took off the fall to write a book about going around to every SEC football stadium.
That risk paid off big time, but it’s not a straight line of success. I went to Deadspin, which was a disaster, and a little over two years ago FanHouse, a place I loved to work, ceased to exist. My income took a massive hit and I had a three-year old and a four-month old at home.
Uh oh.
But FanHouse ceasing to exist turned out to be the best thing that could have ever happened to my career.
I decided to start Outkick two years ago — something I probably wouldn’t have done if FanHouse didn’t die — and I’ve had more fun in the past two years than ever before. The site is flourishing, you guys are spectacular at keeping me entertained, and I love every day of my work. But if you’d told me when I graduated from law school in 2004 what I’d be doing for a living nine years later, I would have said you were crazy.
So to the young lawyers out there struggling to find jobs, find something you really love and keep doing it.
Eventually that pays off.
Clay Travis
