All That and a Bag of Mail: Kids Pooping in the Yard Edition

It's Friday, y'all aren't working and it's time to dive into yet another mailbag. 

I praise you guys pretty frequently, but, honestly, the mailbag questions just get better and better. So do the readership numbers. The mailbag is the most consistently popular thing we do at OKTC and it's because you guys are asking great questions and also sharing it with your friends and co-workers. 

Plus, it helps that no one wants to do actual work on Friday. 

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is easy, our buddy Orlando Shaw and his 14 baby mommas. 

On to the mailbag. 

SB writes:

"First off, this really happened, and I’m just as perplexed as you are about to be. There is a 7 year old in the neighborhood who is pooping in people’s yards. The child’s mother does a good job of reprimanding the behavior, but is not bagging the poop. Normally I wouldn’t have a problem with the extra fertilizer, but there are other small children around so I tend to side with the, he did it you bag it, way of thinking. I guess the question here is who bags the poop?"

First, this kid has serious, serious issues. 

He's seven and he poops in people's yards?

Seven!

Think about all the things you remember really well from when you were seven years old. He's going to be in third grade this fall. How do his parents let this happen? 

I mean, I'm far from a parenting expert when it comes to pee and poop. For instance, my wife reprimands me because I let our boys pee outside in our back yard. (I also enjoy peeing outside in my backyard late at night. I think this is a Southern male thing). 

But actually pooping in someone else's yard?

This kid is destined for prison. 

Having said that, 100% the mom has to pick up the kid's poop. 

100%.

She'd be obligated to pick up a dog's poop in many places and a kid's poop is much more controllable than a dog's. 

I'd be pissed if someone was consistently letting their dog poop in my front yard, but a kid?

This is indefensible.  

Neal A. writes:

"The LHN is broadcasting the Ole Miss vs Texas game this year to try and get more Texas fans to subscribe to LHN. All Ole Miss fans and SEC fans will not be able to watch the game. I know it's "just" Ole Miss but Ole Miss gets almost zero exposure from this OOC game. I'm sure that was not the plan when Ole Miss signed up to play Texas. With the SEC Network starting next year is there anything that keeps the SEC Network from doing the same thing after CBS picks its game? Could it potentially deter top tier teams from other conferences from playing SEC schools because they could get put on the SEC Network?"

The general rule here is that the home team's television rights package governs. 

Here Texas is playing a home out of conference game and these games are the ones that are permissible to put on the Longhorn Network. (Big 12 home games aren't permissible on the Longhorn Network unless the opponent consents. This is how Iowa State and Kansas games have both appeared on the LHN).

So, for instance, any SEC home game against any opponent, in conference or out, could theoretically end up on the SEC Network. So Notre Dame, Oklahoma, Ohio State, and other teams could theoretically end up on the SEC Network at some point in time. 

But if it's a home and home -- Texas played at Ole Miss last year -- then the road game for the SEC team is governed by the home team's television deal.

The upshot of all this is that the Big Ten Network, the Pac 12 Network, the Longhorn Network and the SEC Network could all have games featuring rival conferences on their networks. So while it hasn't happened much thus far, this will be a more common occurrence going forward. 

Having said all this, it's hard to escape the conclusion that Ole Miss is getting completely screwed here.

It will be almost impossible for Rebel fans to watch their favorite team play in a really big game.That's why this could be a preview of the downside to the networks, until they're widely distributed we could enter an era where TV balkanization actually makes it more difficult for us to watch our favorite teams play. Now, in general these situations will be rare -- they have to be road games against teams with their own networks -- but I think it's certainly worth considering when it comes to future scheduling.

The reason Ole Miss played Texas was because the school believed it would be a bona fide big time game that would aid recruiting and help the school attain some measure of national prominence.

Instead, the game is on the Longhorn Network and only a handful of people will be able to see it.

That sucks.  

@realjoeweave Tweets:

"Who would you pick to succeed Uncle Verne in the CBS booth once he retires?"

It's going to be Tim Brando. 

I'm okay with that because Brando isn't bland and boring. He's no Uncle Verne, but he's not so polished that he'll be antiseptic either.

If it was completely left up to me and I could create any broadcasting duo for CBS, I'd pair Tim Brando with Charles Barkley.

I think that would be an extraordinary duo.  

Ben D. writes:

"Settle a continuing bar debate for us: Would you rather have an 11 inch penis and no balls (incapable of having children) or a 3 inch penis and balls (incapable of pleasuring even the holiest of virgins)?"

I think most women would be terrified of an 11 inch penis with no balls. Not because women like balls so much -- women really, really think balls are weird and gross, which they are -- but because it would just look weird and scary.

What would go in the place where the balls should be? Just hairy skin? I think you underestimate how scary an 11 inch penis without balls would actually look.  

Plus, having your own kids is pretty important. Of course you could adopt a kid, but you'd end up adopting the kid who poops in people's yards at the age of seven years old. Sure, your own kid might turn into a pooping freak too, but then you just have you and your wife to blame.

Ultimately, you're probably going to get married, right? I think lots of women wouldn't marry a guy if they knew in advance they'd have to adopt kids and couldn't have their own with him.  

So I'm going three inch penis with balls and the ability to have my own kids.

More difficult bar debate for you, do you think the average guy would rather add three inches of height or three inches of penis length?

Debate amongst yourselves.  

Joshua L. writes:

"Hey Clay,

I know you get this stereotypical question all the time, but it's one I've never seen answered. I'm a journalism student at UTK and want to be a sports journalist. I understand that this is a competitive field, but it's what I love doing. Is there any advice you can give about how to make it in this field, or is it really just luck of the draw? If I need to move on with my life, work a crappy job, and tweet you that "your gay" because you crushed my dreams, let me know now. I can take it."

First, you need to come up with a really good answer to the question would you rather have a three inch penis with balls or an 11 inch penis without balls.

That's the real key to a future in sports journalism.

Second, I think you need to focus on three things: write original, write funny, and write smart. Those are the only three things that consistently work on the Internet. If you can't do all three, then master one or two of the three. If you can't do any of the three then you should just take to Twitter and call me gay all the time because you're not going to make a living at this.

In addition to mastering at least one of the three concepts above, you also have to be able to do it over and over again. I've written online just about every day for nine years. Have my articles all been great? Hell no. But do I occasionally hit a home run and sprinkle in a lot of singles, doubles, and triples while limiting my strikeouts?

Yep.

Writing online is a grind. It's not good enough to do one great piece, you've got to do it again and again for years at a time. I think that's where many people lose out. Okay, so you've got one funny or smart idea and you execute it well. That's swell. Now give me 199 more days of that for the next decade.

Get cracking.

Writing online is a lot like writing for television, you have to be smart when your brain hurts because your kids are sick and you've only slept four hours, you have to be funny on the day your dog died, and you have to be original when it's the middle of the summer and there is absolutely no news.

And, oh, you have to be willing to work all the time because you don't control when someone's fake girlfriend is going to suddenly emerge.

I love what I do, but it isn't easy. Far from it. You have to work your ass off.   

Having said all this, many sports journalists still write unoriginal, write unfunny, and write for the unintelligent. That's because it's easier to do. But those jobs are dying and those writers have zero job security. 

It's a competitive writing marketplace so you have to bust your ass and entertain people. Whether it's writing, radio, or TV, pretty much all sports journalists are entertainers now too. It's amazing how few people have realized this.

So be smart, be original or be funny.

Hopefully all three.

Good luck.  

Thomas H. writes:

"As a "Game of Thrones" reader I had been looking forward to the Red Wedding for years. I was so upset the first time I read it I threw the book into the wall, but picked it up and started reading again about five inutes later.  Walk us through your emotions and thought process as you watched the Red Wedding unfolding before you. Also, is there any appropriate way we can blame the red wedding on Dooley? Seems like he may have had some role to play."

Spoiler alert:

I was watching the show with my wife and both of us were just stunned beyond belief.

If you haven't watched it yet, then you need to watch these reactions to the Red Wedding scene. 

The most crushing thing about the Red Wedding was the complete and total absence of hope throughout the scene. 

And that it followed such an uplifting emotional moment. 

Just before the "Red Wedding," Rob's wife says, "Don't you want to teach little Ned Stark how to ride horses?"

I'll be honest, I teared up a bit here. How could you not? 

Given the fact that Ned Stark was decapitated at the end of season one, this kind of helped to make up for that. 

At least a bit. 

Then we see Catelyn, Rob's mom, smiling as she watches the couple kiss, a sign that all is well in the House of Stark. 

But then the doors are closed and the music changes, a sense of foreboding sets in, outside the wolf moans. 

Uh oh. 

The attack happens. 

And you're thinking, okay, this is awful. But they keep holding out moments of hope. 

The wolf. 

At least save the wolf!

The wolf gets executed. 

Wait, Rob is still alive and his mom grabs Walder Frey's wife and asks for him to be allowed to exit!

At least Rob and his mom might survive after all!

Except.

It's another false hope.

Everyone dies. 

This scene is just a tour de force. I'm no sure there's a more gripping eight minutes in HBO history.

Watch it again now that you know what's going to happen and look how well it's crafted.

Astounding

Cameron S. writes:

"Clay, 

Since Tennessee/Oregon and Alabama/Texas A&M will be played at the same time on the same date, do you think Tennessee fans will want to watch the Vols game or arguably the biggest game of the season when Alabama plays in College Station? I'm a die hard Vols fan, but this Alabama/Texas A&M game has been circled on my calendar since last year. I'm not sure what I will do on that day." 

There are a ton of Tennessee fans who will be watching Bama vs. Texas A&M as soon as the Tennessee game gets bad. That could happen early since Oregon has opened as a 25 point favorite and Tennessee is breaking in a new coach and a new quarterback on the road at Oregon. 

What could possibly go wrong?

This, by the way, is why the SEC Network is so valuable. SEC fans don't want to only watch their own team play, they also want to watch the other teams in the conference play. Even teams that aren't that great. 

I watch at least part of every SEC game live every weekend and I don't think I'm alone in this. 

Sure, I'm a Tennessee fan, but over the past several years I've reached the point where I'd much rather watch and write about the biggest SEC game of the week than Tennessee's game. Hell, I'd rather watch the biggest national game as well. 

For a long time I'd been planning to take my family out to Oregon for the Tennessee-Oregon game.

But then guess what happened?

It's schedule for the same day as Bama at Texas A&M. 

And I'll be in College Station.  

Caroline R. writes:

"Hey Clay,

You seem to have a lot of ClayHaters spewing garbage your way on a daily basis. What do you think the current % of Twitter followers that you have only follow you to hate on you? And why do they think you care? Twitter says you have 75K followers and I'm going to be conservative and estimate that around 2%, or around 1500, are there only to hate you. What do you think?" 

There's no doubt that some people hate follow me on Twitter. 

I think you're right, it's a small percentage though. I have no idea of the actual percentage. The vast majority of Tweets you guys send me are positive, funny, and interesting. But I don't think people would be entertained by me retweeting praise.

The hate is so much more entertaining and grammatically challenged.

Here's the deal though, I'm in the business of being loved or hated so I try not to let either impact me that much.

Especially since the people who hate me read, listen, and watch me more than the people who love me. It's truly extraordinary, the Howard Stern effect brought to sports.

I still don't get it -- there's no one and nothing I consume because I hate it, I'm too busy for that -- but how astounding is it that the people who hate me the most are making me the most money?

It's extraordinary. I hope they keep hating me. And telling all their friends and family how much they hate me too. Because, guess what, the friends and family read, listen, and watch too.

It's a virtuous circle that ends with me sitting on a Scrooge McDuck-like pile of gold.

So thank you to the people who love me, but thank you even more to the people who hate me.

What a lucrative irony.