All That and a Bag of Mail: Kentucky Hate Mail Edition

It's Friday and you're all pretending to work anyway so I hope All That and a Bag of Mail can help get you to the weekend faster.

For last night's Marshall at MTSU game on FS1, the guys and gals at MTSU decided to have an Erin Andrews and Clay Travis lookalike contest.

Below were the four finalists for the Clay Travis contest.

And the winner?

It was the guy giving us the thumb's up in the below picture.

So congrats to him, our beaver pelt trader of the week for having the guts to pretend to be me.

FYI, I have interspersed today's normal mailbag with hatemail from Kentucky fans.

I think you'll probably love it.  

 youredaddy writes:

"A you fuckin dick suckin fagit why don't you come to kentucky and say that shit to our face In stead of hiding behind you're computer and acting like a bitch as cunt. It's to be expected a bitch comes from a bitch I bet you're parents are real proud to have a dumb fuck for a whore and disgrace to you're family.I bet you would suck a dick for a dollar no for free that's probably the only thing you're good at lmao!!!!

P.s. FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!"

This hate email is just a work of complete hatemail art. 

You've probably already gone back and read it yourself.

It was so good that I recorded an audio version for 3HL.   

Okay, with that opener, let's keep rolling.

Many of you on Twitter and email:

"What do you think of reports that Terry Saban was checking out houses in Austin?" 

Do I think Terry Saban actually went house shopping in Austin in the middle of the football season while Mack Brown is still the Texas coach?

No. 

But do I love the idea that Terry Saban did this thinking she could keep it quiet and without Nick Saban knowing?

Of course I do.

You know what I love even better? If Terry Saban did it because she doesn't really care what Nick thinks and didn't even ask him in advance.

Can you imagine Saban's reaction if he found out his wife was house hunting in the middle of the football season? 

He'd be furious. I love that Terry Saban can just shrug her shoulders and say, "Whatever," when Saban confronts her about it. 

Saban's such a football dictator it's awesome that there's at least one person who won't listen to anything he says and that he can't boss around.

You know Terry's like that with him.  

There's something really entertaining about wives -- or husbands -- and kids not caring about really powerful people think. Just goes to show that no matter how successful you are, someone thinks of you as just a dad, a husband or a grandpa. This really humanizes otherwise larger than life figures. It's why we care so much about politician's families. For instance, I love that President Obama has two teenage daughters who don't value his opinion at all when it comes to the boys they take to prom.

Obama's going to hate the boys his daughters date just like every other father of teenagers in the country.  

I can picture Obama shaking his head thinking to himself, "The country elected me commander in chief of the entire nation's armed forces, the leader of the global world, and my own daughters don't think I can pick a good prom date for them."

As always I'm praying for Saban to leave for Texas just to see the immediate melt down from Alabama fans.

Nick Saban represents roughly 99% of your average Alabama fan's self-esteem.  

Mary Herald writes:

"I can't even begin to describe how offended I am by Clay Travis' article about Kentucky fans. I went to UK and studied under Pulitzer Prize winners, went on to get a Master's degree and am now a licensed counselor in the state of Kentucky. Graduated with honors in high school, undergrad, and graduate...and guess what? A die-hard UK fan. I have left the state many times, among these instances were for national band competitions. I am requesting some kind of recantation, or atleast an apology, for the outrageous stereotypes in this article."

"I have left the state many times, among those instances were for national band competitions."

I mean, you can't even make up sentences like these.

Recant this, Mary Herald: "I can't even begin to describe how offended I am by Mary Herald's email about Clay Travis' article about Kentucky fans. I'm offended that you're offended." 

By the way, the number of people who hate email to me and the number of people who also have hotmail email addresses overlap like 80% of the time. 

Robert S. writes:

Paul Z. writes:

A few weeks ago before the Vandy game, I pledged that I would not get a haircut until Mizzou lost. Well, here we sit weeks later and things are getting out of control. I normally am pretty clean cut and keep a short men's hairstyle in a pretty controlled look. As of today, I'm still able to maintain the control, the problem is that my hair is getting frizzy around the back and sides, and the top has to be combed over to one side to keep it from going in my eyes.

Do you have any suggestions how to keep a professional appearance (necessary for my job) while keeping my promise? I am unable to wear ball caps/hats at work. This is a dilemma that I am facing looking at the schedule, if this gets into December I'm going to have issues."

How many people at work do you regularly come across who you don't know decently? Because most people who work in offices get to know the office pretty well. Most office life is pretty boring so you not cutting your hair until Mizzou loses is, as office gossip goes, pretty viral. 

Everyone will know.

You're the crazy guy who isn't cutting his hair! 

If you work in a situation where you regularly interact with strangers, I'd just keep it quiet about your hair vow. They don't know you anyway, and your hair is a bigger deal to you than it will be to them. 

If Mizzou loses this week, by the way, all of your friends can justifiably blame you for writing into Outkick to complain about your hair getting too long while Mizzou is in the midst of one of its greatest seasons in school history. 

Suck it up, Brian. 

Joshua Lanoue writes:

"I think someone should alert Mr. Travis to the fact that no one has every curled multiple barbells. Seeing as how you would curl multiple dumbbells. Hard to attack a fan base for being uneducated and weak when he himself is a sloth of a human being who obviously doesnt know thing one about fitness. Congrats you got a page view from me. Guys like this are the death of sports journalism."

Of all the things you could complain about in my columns, the distinction between barbells and dumbbells is the hill you choose to die on?

Sincerely, 

A sloth of a human being who represents the death of sports journalism

Barbara J. writes:

"If Clay Travis is not immediately fired by Outkick the Coverage, I will never visit this website again. I will also have you know that I am emailing Rupert Murdoch as well."

The number of Kentucky fans who wrote to me demanding that Outkick the Coverage fire Clay Travis was amazing. 

I emailed each of these people the exact same response. 

"Thank you for your email. We agree with you that Clay Travis is an offensive lout with no class, decorum, or dignity. He has been fired and will soon issue a public apology to the state of Kentucky.

Sincerely,

Clay Travis, 100% owner Outkick the Coverage, LLC"

P.S. Tell Rupert I said hi when you write your email to him. And not to take away the topless girls from his tabloids. 

Robby Hecker writes:

Please get your facts right when you straight "when" you write articles being critical of others...."johnny fing depp" was born in Owensboro, Ky and not Frankfort, Ky. We also do NOT have a "Ruby Tuesday" in our great town as well."

Again, you can't make these emails up. 

"Johnny fing Depp" was born in Owensboro and lived in Frankfort. We should have a battle royale between the two cities over who can claim him. Regardless, the important thing to note here is that, like all successful Kentuckians including Abraham Lincoln, as soon as he was old enough to leave the state of Kentucky, Depp left. 

And never went back. 

I also love using all caps to say you do NOT have a "Ruby Tuesday."

That is an error that CANNOT be allowed to stand. Frankfort DOES have an "Applebee's" and a "Shoney's," but we wouldn't stoop so low as to HAVE a "Ruby Tuesday."

Also, I feel confident in saying that the dumber you are the more often you use caps lock. The caps lock key is like keyboard cocaine for dumb people. Once they discover it EXISTS they can NOT resist using IT. 

The other thing really dumb people do in their emails is use multiple exclamation points.

They ARE crazy!!!!! 

Chris writes

"Clay,

I posted on the Tider Insider ticket exchange that I was looking for 4 Alabama tickets. See below email conversation from a "kid' who contacted me about tickets. Should I make the trade? Here is our email correspondence."

On Oct 24, 2013, at 2:36 PM, Daniel wrote:

> You need tickets?

On Thu, Oct 24, 2013 at 2:39 PM, Chris wrote:

Yes, I need 4 tix. Thanks!

Sent from my iPhone

On Oct 24, 2013, at 2:41 PM, Daniel wrote:

Would you be willing to give me and my girlfriend a ride to and from the game? You would pick us up at my parents home in Birmingham and drop us off at a friends house just outside of Tuscaloosa. If so I would give you 4 tickets.

On Thu, Oct 24, 2013 at 3:02 PM, Chris B. wrote:

Daniel, this almost sounds like one of those email scams where someone asks for money from Africa.

But I'm interested if we can discuss it and determine it's safe. I'm going to have my wife and two sons who are 12 and 8. I couldn't do anything that would put them in danger.

Please call me at my office at (205). I'd like to speak with you. Thanks, CB

Sent from my iPhone

On Thu, Oct 24, 2013 at 3:10 PM, Daniel wrotes:
I understand your worry. I'm 15 and she's also 15. My parents have tickets and they have to work and can't take us. We need a ride and I am willing to trade the tickets. The only thing we need is the ride and for you to let us change into our Halloween costumes after the game in your car. We are going to a costume party after the game. Would you be against buying us a big bottle of Jack Daniels Honey? I understand if you won't. And I'm not going to call you because if you got my phone number you would be able to get my parents phone information and report me. They think I am going to be spending the night at my friend Richie's house after the game and that he and his family are using the tickets and if they found out I am going to a party they would kill me.

On Thursday, October 24, 2013 3:24 PM, Daniel wrote:

Hey, I am about to go to band practice so I won't be around my email for a while. I'll check back later.

This is awesome to read. 

When I read this exchange at first, my advice was go ahead and give him a ride. But you clearly can't buy the alcohol for him. Because inevitably he'd do something stupid and you'd get sued when they traced it back to you as being the source of the liquor. But then I started thinking, Wait, how is he getting back to Birmingham from Tuscaloosa? And what if he's actually 19 and the girl is 15? What kind of party are they actually going to?

What if they're like 13 years old and you are taking them from their parents and they're runaways and you get charged with a crime under some odd Alabama law?

It's just not worth the risk. 

You can get four tickets at the stadium, especially if you're willing to split up your family and sit two together.

I hope the kid is done with his band practice by now, hopefully he and the Kentucky email hater can meet up sometime at an out of state band event.  

L. Sinclair writes (also from a hotmail address):

"Read your story about Kentucky and Kentucky basketball. It's bad enough you slandered the basketball team but why did you do the same to the state. You don't know what the heck you are talking about and it shows your IQ. We are one of the most beautiful states in the union. We all do not live in trailers or call women bitches. I think this could be defined as harassment and a hate crime."

Yes, my article is clearly a hate crime. 

You're correct. 

Please forward this story immediately to the FBI. 

It's also clearly harassment. After all, it's impossible to avoid visiting a website on the Internet. You WERE forced HERE!!!! 

Jeremy writes:

"Clay,

Since you are a father of two, I'm sure you've had your share of sleep-deprived moments. I have a seven month old who is teething and she has destroyed my sleep, but the main issue is this: I have a job that can be quite demanding at times, and I'm not a person that operates well on little sleep, but my wife has been at home since her seventh month of pregnancy (so she's been out of the work force since the end of January) and I feel her expectations of how we split the night-shift are a little off. I have new level of respect for that woman after watching her give birth, and there is no way possible I could be a stay-at-home dad and do what she does everyday, but I feel she should give me a pass most nights since I have to wake up and actually function at work all day - let alone be productive. Do you agree that she should shoulder most of the night duties? Am I off base here? Do you have any suggestions? Is there any hope that I'll ever get more than 4 consecutive hours of sleep again?

I forgot to add that I spent the better half of three hours last night (between 4-7), in a quasi-lying position on my couch with my daughter on my chest, and since it hasn't really cooled off that much in south Arkansas yet, we haven't put our throw blankets we usually keep in the living room back out so I was also freezing. This combination of weird upper body contortion, sub-zero temperatures, and what felt like a hazy resemblance of 'Trainspotting'-esque sleep, has me feeling a little below-average today. My wife better nap every damn time she lays our daughter down today!" 

My wife's ability to withstand loss of sleep is pretty extraordinary. 

I worked and actually slept in a different room when we had both of our kids. The baby stayed with her in our room. As a result I was pretty functional and she was a zombie. 

Here's what I would suggest, get a babysitter during the day a couple of times a week who is solely there to let your wife sleep. 

Tell your wife she isn't allowed to do anything but sleep -- no cleaning or whatever other obsession she has that will stress her out more -- and also hire someone to clean your house once a week while the baby is little. 

Also insist that she sleep when you get home from work and try to put in some time then.

It's also important to note that young children are only truly impossible to get to sleep for a few months, but we all survive. Most of us, anyway. Granted, the next several months will feel like years, but eventually it will get better.

Good luck explaining this to her while she's completely incapable of coherent thought due to sleep deprivation.

I've asked this question before, but from an evolutionary perspective, why are babies so difficult to take care of? You think your job is tough, imagine when we were all living in caves and had to kill animals to survive. I bet there is many a caveman who gave up the ghost because he was too tired to hear a tiger coming because of a crying baby that was up all night.   

Keith B. writes:

"Based on your annual breakdowns of OKTC readership by city, I know that you're a data-driven guy. I was wondering then what insightful fanbase conclusions, if any, you can draw so far from early sales data from the Outkick the Pants promotion. For example, has Derek Dooley forever ruined the appeal of orange pants? Also, overall question: in hindsight, was it a good idea or bad idea going into the pants business?"

I still own more pants than anyone in the Southeast, but we are selling a pretty decent amount so far.

We're also going to be adding campus reps pretty soon, so if you're a guy or a girl at a school and we carry your school's colors, you can go ahead and send a resume to lorioktc@gmail.com and tell us why you should be campus rep. We want a guy and a girl from each school.   

Honestly, I've been so busy this fall, I haven't even broken down all the data on pant sales yet. I know that we've sold a lot of A&M maroon pants, UT orange, Bama crimson, LSU purple, and Mizzou gold. I suspect we would have sold more UT orange pants if Derek Dooley didn't suck so much while wearing the pants. 

The logic behind opening OutkickGear.com remains pretty strong, the more businesses we can create that monetize our audience directly, the less we have to be concerned about advertising in the future. The long range plan for a site like Outkick is to carry several stand-alone businesses and just have a few principal advertising relationships. 

So I'm still optimistic about everything. 

And you should definitely go buy pants or shirts right now and get 15% off and free shipping if you put in the code OCT15.

Joe writes:

Blake M. writes:

"Clay -

I have a question/challenge that I'd like you to chime in on.

As a group of late 20s and early 30s males, my friends and I spend Saturdays in the Fall from 11a - 10p (Central) watching football borderline non-stop. While doing this, we're typically drinking beer and eating nachos/grilled things/pizza/wings/etc... For reference, we are all white collar desk jockeys and were once decent high school athletes and probably work out on average of 2x per week.

I thought of something in January after reading about the half-Herschel, and remembered it this week. What if you did a mini-workout during commercial breaks to help prevent turning into a slob each Fall/Winter?

My thoughts were a) it needs to be able to be done in your living room with minimal to no equipment and b) it has to be able to be done while drinking beer and/or buzzed.

So I came up with the following: During each commercial break, you do one of 20 push-ups, 30 sit-ups, or 20 dips, rotating during each break.

The challenge, I think, is how long could this be done? I'd guess at least 6 (maybe 8?) commercial breaks per hour, and 3-4 beers per hour (usually tapering off towards the end of the night). Would we make it to halftime of the 2nd round of games? Could someone make it 11 hours while drinking doing this?

I plan on challenging my friends to this on Saturday and see if we can make it and for how long.

Your opinion is appreciated."

It's honestly a great idea -- I try to do push-ups or sit-ups during commercial breaks while I watch games in my own house.

So far I haven't done this in a full suit at Fox studios, but it would be pretty outstanding to try this as well. 

I don't think the physical aspects of this would be the issue, I think it's the combination of beer and food that would eventually make you sick to your stomach. Having said that, the most challenging aspect to this by far is the quick commercial turn after a score. Because then you usually go commercial, kickoff, commercial. 

My guess is that at least one of your buddies could make it to mid-afternoon, around five or so. 

But he'd have to limit his intake of beer or food at some point to continue.

I'm honestly curious to find out so update us. 

...

If you haven't already done so, go check out Outkick the Podcast with special guest Stephen Garcia this week. I think you guys will love it.