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All That and a Bag of Mail: Kentucky Fan Tattoos Invade Atlanta

Okay, it’s mailbag time, you slackers. I know you were all looking for reasons not to work, now you have one.  

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is this Kentucky fan, who was so convinced the Cats would win the national title in 2014 that he went ahead and got the tattoo.

Smart play.

Oh, and Johnny Manziel is still training in San Diego.

Guy can’t even go get ice cream without being accosted by girls in bikinis who want to get their picture taken with him.

It’s a rough life.  

This is just like my life except replace the “hot girls in bikinis” with “guys in jeans” who want to get their pictures taken with me.  

Adam M. writes:

Mailbag: What’s your wildest theory on Malaysian Airlines flight 370? Most believable?

BD writes:

“Clay,
I am fascinated with the missing Malaysian Air story, as are many people around the world. The level of mystery surrounding the disappearance and the number of possible explanations once again proves that real life is stranger than fiction. One scenario in particular makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. It seems very plausible, if not probable, that the plane was either commandeered by “terrorists” or the flight crew was part of an inside job that flew the plane to an undisclosed location…..maybe to weaponize the plane for an attack on some unknown city to be named later. Think of the possibilities….they are terrifying. It’s straight out of a Tom Clancy novel. Maybe what’s even more amazing is that in an age where one can zero in on a beer can in a backyard on Google Earth, a 777 can vanish without a trace. Simply fascinating.” 

I’m obsessed with this missing plane too. 

I’m constantly pulling out my phone to see whether or not the plane has been found. All day long, I’m looking for news updates about this plane. We took calls about the missing plane on 3HL. I’d much rather do an entire hour talking about this plane than sports. I just can’t get enough of this story. Can you imagine if this had happened in America? The entire country would shut down.    

First, is anyone else stunned that a jet can just disappear like this? I can’t believe this is even possible. How are all planes not equipped with tracking devices that let us know exactly where they are? I mean, for God’s sake, your phone has a tracking app that you can turn on if it disappears. It can’t be that expensive to fit a plane with a reliable tracking device. This isn’t the Amelia Earheart era, you’d think it would be impossible for an actual plane to go missing.   

Second, how has this not been made into a movie already? (Stop with the Lost analogies.) Hell, it could be a great television show too. Some insanely rich warlord just buys a plane full of people by paying off everyone associated with an airliner. They land on a super secret runway somewhere in a remote location, keep all those people hostage and decide what to do with the plane. Or there’s someone traveling with something so valuable that they steal the entire plane just to get that individual’s cargo. Once you landed and refueled you could fly anywhere in the world pretty much undetected, right?

Can you imagine being the family of the people on this plane? It’s unbelievable to think about what that experience would be like. You’ve been waiting for five days now to figure out what happened to your friends and family. Think about the range of emotions you’d have. And you still know nothing.  

Third, my theory is that the entire plane has been kidnapped. I’ve been thinking this since day two. 

I’m probably going to believe this even if they find the “wreckage.”   

Anonymous writes:

“Hey Clay,

First off love Outkick keep being awesome. Here’s a question I think you’ll enjoy:

I’m a junior in high school, and as you know prom’s coming up. As a kid who’s about 6’5 285 lbs (yes I play offensive line) getting a date is seemingly gonna be kind of difficult.

Any tips for getting ladies/prom dates?”

The most important thing to remember is that as much as you’d like to go to prom, every girl your age wants to go to prom much more than you do. So it’s really not that hard to get a prom date. Now, it’s hard to get the hottest girls to go to prom with you, because they have too many options — and they’re all trying to go to prom with the same eight guys anyway — but there’s a huge swath of girls in your class who would be ecstatic to go to prom with anyone at all. You’ll end up fine. 

Your best bet is to identify several targets and do recon to figure out whether or not they have likely dates. Then zero in on one to ask. If she says no, so what? Move along. Eventually you’ll find a good match. 

Also, girl friends are key here. They can steer you to likely matches as they’ll all know everything about who is going to prom with who.

Plus, you’ve got some assets here. You’re tall and you play football. In general, that’s better than being short and playing chess. 

This is where it would be nice to say, “And if you really can’t find anyone else to go with, I’ll go with you.”

So what the hell, if you need a gay Muslim, I’m available.   

Ben H. writes:

“Clay,

Enjoy reading the mailbags on Friday – makes the day go by much easier. I’ve read articles recently on the launch of the WWE Network and thought this was a pretty good idea. With the recent struggles of cable/satellite providers in providing the SEC Network, could this model ever work for football? WWE is currently charging $9.99/month for this service. I would think most football fans would easily spend that amount, if not more, to guarantee they can pick and choose to stream whichever game would be going on. Could leagues ever develop a platform of an “over-the-top” network and cut out the providers/current networks? I know that deals are currently in place to keep this from happening anytime soon, but realistically, could this be an option in the future? What would be the most a fan would pay, per month, for a service that solely streams college sports for his or her favorite conference?”

It’s an interesting question. The biggest obstacle is this is the way the market’s presently set up. Right now you get a ton of people paying for the channel who will never watch it with the existing cable and satellite bundles. The reason why the SEC Network would only cost $1.30 a month in the 11 state footprint is because lots of people who will never watch that network will be paying for the channel too. So you can get 30 million subscribers in the 11 state SEC footprint paying $468 million a year for the SEC Network. Figure in another $135 million from 45 million subscribers outside the footprint who are paying .25 cents a month for the channel and you’re talking about $603 million even before any ad sales. Given that ad sales are at least worth 20% of the overall revenue and you’re talking about $724 million in revenue for the SEC Network. 

That’s without ever increasing prices, which will, of course, happen. 

The SEC Network goal is to be in 75 million homes. How many of those households will ever watch the games? Maybe 15 million in a given year? Maybe. So you’ve got 60 million subscribers paying who may never watch the channel. Those people are subsidizing your TV viewing.  

If you wanted to get the $720 million from the over the top service, you’d have to get six hardcore million subscribers willing to pay $120 a year.

Could you get that?

Maybe. (Keep in mind, though, that lots of people would subscribe in the fall for the football games and then bail. Or they’d subscribe for half the year and then drop the channel. Who is paying for the SEC Network in April, May, June, and July?

So right now it’s easier to take less from everyone to get to the same number. Plus, you end up with some fans who would love to watch the games who can’t afford to do so. Sure, that happens some with cable or satellite, but at this point we’re over whatever tiny segment of the population can’t afford cable or satellite. 

Also, and this is pretty key, how many SEC fans are incapable of using an over the top network? Like, my dad wants to watch all these games, wouldn’t necessarily be opposed to paying, and there’s no way he’d ever be able to get this set up on his own. Then what kind of signal do you have? Do you really want to watch SEC games on your iPad or your laptop? How many SEC fans can stream this channel through their flat screen TVs. 

The timing’s just not right. 

I used to be in favor of a la carte cable in theory — the idea that you only pay for the channels you want — but I don’t see how anyone can these days. The cost would be about the same and your viewing options would be severely restricted. 

The reason why television is so good right now is because we’re all subsidizing someone else’s favorite shows. A&E has the money to spend on Mad Men because lots of people who never watch Mad Men are helping to pay for it. Sprout and Nick Jr. are so good because lots of people without kids pay for the kid’s programming. The SEC Network is so good because your aunt, who cares nothing about football, will be paying for you to watch this. Meanwhile, you’re paying for her Lifetime.

It’s a virtuous circle.   

We’ve really reached an era in television when we’re all patrons of the television arts. 

Joseph S. writes:

“Big fan of your work. I read your pieces every waking chance I get.

Anyways, I just took a new job at a newspaper in Enterprise, Al as a sports writer.I’ve just finished my first week and love it so far. However, being a new member of this community in Alabama, I get this question thrown my direction on multiple occasions: “Are you an Alabama or Auburn fan?”

Now I’m no stranger to this question, as I went to school in Alabama at a small school right up the road from Enterprise called Troy University. I usually tell them I cheer for my alma mater as well as Georgia Tech (I’m originally from Georgia and a large part of my family went to Tech) but when I tell them this, I usually get befuddled looks, like “This guy can’t be serious, can he?”

I’m actually well educated on both teams and could probably throw out more logic than the “85%” (my favorite article of yours by the way).Yet I am getting irked by these looks, so I’ve considered aligning myself with one of the two before football season starts again. Should I? Or should I just stick to my roots and continue to get eyebrow raising reactions whenever I say who I’m a fan of?” 

You have to pick either Alabama or Auburn. 

That doesn’t mean you can’t root for other teams as well, but you must have an Iron Bowl rooting interest. 

Anonymous writes:

“Clay, I would ask that you please not reveal my name if you select my question.

What will you tell your sons about pornography when they get a little older? How will you handle that? We are the Dad’s of the internet age. Our fathers did not have the rampant accessibility to porn that we do and our sons will.”

Our generation worked its ass off to see boobs — every man reading this from a pre-Internet age knows exactly what I’m talking about. I mean our schemes to get a Playboy or steal a few minutes of satellite porn would make the CIA proud. Lots of the time we failed. Every guy reading over the age of 28, I guarantee you, has watched scrambled screen Playboy back in the day. Oh, look, it’s a blue boob! Is that an elbow or a nipple? I think it’s a nipple! If everyone who had ever pleasured himself while watching scrambled screen Playboy would agree to vote for the same candidate, we could probably elect a President.

So I’m not really that worried about porn.  

Do dads today have to sit their sons and daughters down and have Internet porn conversations? I guess we do. i honestly hadn’t thought that much about it. I guess I’ll tell them that I’ll be checking the sites they visit on their computers — which will be worthless because they’ll be much smarter about visiting sites than I am, my kids both have their own iPad already and they’re six and three — and not get too involved in their schemes to see as many naked girls as possible. 

Ah, hell, who am I kidding? I’ll probably say, “Look, you can try others, but pornhub.com’s got everything you need. Trust me.” 

Honestly, I’m not that worried about Internet porn, I’m much more worried about actual porn they can create. The percentages of high school kids sending naked photos of themselves is jaw-dropping. Remember all that time you spent fantasizing about what the girls in your high school classes looked like naked? Now you know because those photos get sent all around the high school. Only those pictures, which feature underage girls, are actually illegal to share. That’s already a huge problem now, I can’t imagine what it will be like in a decade when my oldest gets to high school.

At least I have boys. Sorry to all you dads with multiple daughters.

But I’m sure you have nothing to worry about. They probably won’t like sex.    

Chris A. writes:

“C’-Lay,

I am a bald man. I am currently in a relationship with an extremely attractive woman. I have no idea how this happened, what she sees in me, or how someone as attractive as her could find me attractive. I have been asked before by complete strangers if I was rich or if there was some other unknown variable that allows for my current situation to occur. I am the guy who you see at a bar with an extremely attractive woman and shake your head in utter amazement and befuddlement. I have done this before so I know what I’m talking about. No offense but you have also outkicked your coverage.

Here’s my question:

Is there a 5-step method or a Clay Travis “How To” process for Outkicking Your Coverage?”

Men and women both objectify each other, we just do it in different ways. Men focus on looks, women focus on status. So the number one way to outkick your coverage if you’re a man is to be rich, talented, or prominent in some form or fashion. Power helps too. As Henry Kissinger said — anyone else shocked he’s still alive? — power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. 

Leaving status aside, the most importat outkick your coverage attribute if you’re a man is to have confidence. That’s it. Now, that’s easier said than done because lots of guys pretend to have confidence in themselves, but you know that many of these guys curl up in the fetal position at night and sob themselves to sleep. It’s a fake confidence. You have to actually believe in yourself without faking it. Women are perceptive, eventually they’ll see through your sham. Confidence is attractive to women because they don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is convinced the world is allied against them.

So confidence is number one. 

A sense of humor is important, as is being entertaining to be around. 

I’m convinced there are way more smart, funny women than there are smart, funny men. So if you have these two attributes plus confidence, you’ll probably end up outkicking your coverage.

Even if you’re bald.

Congrats.  

Lynn Coleman vintage_doll1964@hotmail.com emails:

“I don’t appreciate with your disrespectful toward my home state and the Crimson Tide fans. You said all untrue about us. Are you so hateful or jealous that Alabama is very famous for winning all the time and very rich history including Bear? Quit saying horrible things about us and stop insulting us, period. Show your respect. You really anger me.”

Bama fan emails really are the gift that keeps on giving. 

Was vintagedoll1964@hotmail.com already taken? And this was such a must-have email address that Lynn Coleman had to go with the underscore to ensure she got partial claims on this one?

FYI, the number of the Bama fan 85% that emails me about jealousy is nearly 100%. Newsflash, you can’t be jealous of a choice. You didn’t do anything to become a Bama fan, you just chose to be one. I could choose to be A Bama fan tomorrow. You can only be jealous of things that you can’t have in your own life. 

Such as, I could theoretically be jealous of Lynn Coleman’s vintage doll collection from 1964. 

I’m not, but I could be.  

Allen W. writes:

“There has been a lot of talk from people (and rightfully so) about Matthew McConaughey’s meteoric rise into the acting elite. Climbing out of his RomCom hole he dug in the 90’s he has firmly placed himself as one of the best actors of our generation. Well, the newest Pepsi commercial got me thinking about the opposite. Has anybody fallen from elite actor status more than Cuba Gooding Jr.? The guy used to be awesome. He freaking won an oscar and now specializes in straight to DVD films. Can you think of an actor/actress whose star has fallen more?”

Cuba Gooding, Jr. won the Oscar for best supporting actor in 1996 for Jerry McGuire. That was 18 years ago. Which also happened to be the year I went to junior prom with Purnima Patel, who went on to be our school valedictorian and is now a doctor in Atlanta. Hi Purnima! Anyway, the best supporting actor ony has about a 50% hit rate for future success. These names ring a bell: Joe Pesci, Jack Palance, James Coburn, Jim Broadbent, and Chris Cooper. 

Jim Broadbent? He won an Oscar. 

Any of these guys white hot right now?

They all won best supporting actor Oscars in the past 25 years. 

The best supporting actress Oscar is even more dangerous. Go look at this list. How many of these women would you recognize if you saw them in public?

I think you’re confusing Cuba Gooding’s Hollywood status with this award. If you look at the list of Oscar winners for best supporting actor — by definition already a role that someone has because they aren’t carrying the film themself — it’s fairly common for these guys or gals to sink back into obscurity if they don’t immediately hit it big as leading actors or actresses in their next couple of roles.

Now for a celebrity story.   

At the BCS title game this year, I was out drinking with the guys from Birmingham’s Jox and we had a table in Santa Monica. 

Who’s at the table next to us?

Cuba Gooding, Jr! 

So former Titans kicker Al Del Greco, who does the morning radio show on JOX, goes over to him and says, “I used to kick for the Arizona Cardinals.” That, of course, is the team that Rod Tidwell played for in Jerry McGuire. So then Cuba and Al Del Greco are hanging out getting pictures taken together like they used to be teammates with one another.

And women are swarming Cuba Gooding, Jr. I mean, just everywhere around him. Young, hot girls too.

Which got me wondering, who many women has Cuba Gooding slept with because of that single role? A thousand? More? Bonus question, “How many women have asked him to scream, “Show me the money!” while sleeping with them? Gotta be a hundred or more, right? 

Patrick S. writes:

“As a parent of two young children, going out to dinner with the family can sometimes be a very stressful experience. You don’t have time to enjoy your meal or talk to your wife because of constantly dealing with kid issues and trying to keep some semblance of order as to not totally piss off the other people around you.

That being said, wouldn’t it make sense for restaurants to turn their old smoking areas into the “family zone”? As more cities are going smoke free in public places many older restaurants have those areas still partitioned off from the rest of the restaurants. As a parent, I would love to be able to eat as a family without having to worry as much about the people around me.”

This may be a ridiculous question, but why don’t restaurants have kid play areas like gyms do?

I always wonder this. 

Wouldn’t this be a decent way to guarantee yourself some business? If I could take my wife out to dinner and my kids could play in another part of the restaurant while we ate, I’d definitely go out to dinner much more frequently.

But what do I know?

I’m off to Vegas on Sunday for a week. I’ll be on FSLive every day of the week and we’re doing another live FoxCast on the web from 12-4 eastern on Thursday. You’ll be able to see me and Todd Fuhrman breaking down the games in real-time and we’ll have a bunch of guests live from Vegas.

It will be fun.

More details coming.

Thanks, as always, for the great questions.  

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.