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All That and a Bag of Mail: Jordan Matthews Puke and Rally Edition

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The Friday mailbag has arrived.

And with it, so has college football season.  

I’m not sure we’ll have very many games that are better than Ole Miss at Vandy last night. 

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Vanderbilt receiver Jordan Matthews who had the greatest puke and rally performance in recent college football history last night. 

Now let’s dive into the mailbag. 

Lots of you on Twitter and email have been sending me a variation on this question:

“How should Johnny Manziel celebrate his first touchdown?”

I’ve got several ideas. 

Last night on our kickoff show on Fox Sports 1 I suggested that after his first touchdown he should sign the football with a sharpie he kept in his sock — TO style — and then throw it into the stands. 

The Internet might break. 

A few other ideas that I’ve got. 

1. Pull up his jersey to reveal the above t-shirt — Sign this NCAA — which is presently being sold in College Station.

Can you imagine the reaction?

2. Make it rain signed 8 by 10’s while standing on the sideline bench.  

3. Tweet ESPN reporters Darren Rovell and Joe Schad an at mention from the sideline after the first touchdown:

LOL

4. Tweet a picture of his touchdown to the University of Texas’s official Twitter account with the phrase, “You mad bro?”

All of these would be outstanding.

But number one would be the best.  

“Jeff C. writes:

Claire Danes character from Homeland is leading the NCAA interrogation of Manziel. Of course she falls in love with him, but what does she say to make the autograph signing terrorist of the NCAA crack.”

“I’ll give you ten million dollars to admit you sold your autographs.”

Then they have furious and passionate on the metal desk sex despite the fact that Johnny Manziel is handcuffed to his chair.   

Several of you are sending me this cheap shot video of a North Carolina player diving at Clowney’s knees:

Why do I think all college football players should be able to go pro whenever they so desire?

Because of plays like this.

Look at this UNC lineman take a dirty shot at Jadeveon Clowney’s knees.

Can you imagine if Clowney was out of the season and the injury was career-threatening?

Brant W. writes:

“I’m in the process of getting a graduate degree from Alabama. My undergraduate degree is also from Alabama. I’ve lived in Alabama most of my life.



I was recently talking with some friends about where we would want to work. The question came up, how much would it take for you to work at Auburn? Jokingly all the Alabama grads said that we would never do it. But then we really started talking about. Everyone has their price, that’s how life works, anyone can be bought. Coming out of grad school I said it would take at least $115k a year for me to work at Auburn. In any position that would be the absolute minimum. And I would catch hell for it on both sides of this state.



Are other states and rivalries this twisted? What do you think the average price point would be for graduates of schools to work for their rival? I say graduates because at least there is some sort of educated predictability in the majority of people who have graduated from most universities. The Updykes of the world can’t be predicted.”

See, I think the size of the city or town matters more than the rival school.

Maybe that’s because I’m older.  

For instance, if you work at Auburn it’s pretty hard to escape that you work at Auburn because the entire town revolves around the university. But if you worked in Nashville for Vanderbilt or in Lexington for UK or in Baton Rouge for LSU would it be that big of a deal? Lots of other hated rivals are in decent-sized towns or at least places that are big enough where you could escape the university’s gravitational pull. 

Plus, let’s be honest, working at a college or university is a pretty cushy job.

I think a better question than this is — how much more money would you have to make to move to Gary, Indiana? (Or whichever city or town that you consider to be the worst in the United States). Gary, Indiana is an awful place, but you would be one of the richest guys or girls there. 

So how much would your income have to increase to move there?

I think it would take five times my present salary to get me to move my family to Gary, Indiana. And I’m still not sure five times my salary would be enough if you also established the parameter that you couldn’t bank a big salary for several years and then move to wherever else you would choose to live. You have to live there the rest of your life in that community. (You can vacation elsewhere, but you have to be there at least 48 weeks a year).

You can expand this question too: what would it cost to move your family overseas? Like, how much would you have to make to move your family to Egypt right now to live for the rest of your life? Syria? Is there any number?

And now we all pause to watch Matthew Stafford’s girlfriend, Kelly Hall, dance in her bikini while on vacation in Costa Rica. 

You’ll note, and I’m not making this up, that one of the comments on the video is from Riley Cooper. 

God bless SEC girls. 

“I’d prefer to stay anonymous.

My friend Kevin and I called in sick from work last week to get in a round of golf.  After we finished Kevin asked to shower off at my house so his wife wouldn’t find out. Kevin even planned ahead and brought his own towel. I had to head into the office after lunch so I left Kevin to his shower and asked him to lock up.

When I got home after work I luckily noticed Kevin had left his towel handing up in my bathroom before my wife saw it, who was similarly in the dark about us playing golf.

So hypothetically 

1. What would you have done in this situation had your wife found said towel and asked you about it?

2.  How much ridicule should I subject Kevin to over this incident with our friends, or does he get a pass since I’m the one that found the towel?

3. Is Kevin secretly an a—— trying to create a rift between me and my wife, I mean how the hell do you not notice the towel you left hanging?” 

Wait, why do you have to lie to your wives about calling in sick to work to go golf instead?

Would they really be that upset? I mean, you only took off a half day of work, what’s the big deal here?

It’s like you guys are having a golf affair.  

If my wife found an extra towel at the house — the fact that he brought his own towel makes this feel like high school gym class — I’d just tell her that I’d called in sick to play golf and my friend came over to take a shower after. 

(P.S. the only way this story could get better is if Kevin was having an affair, your wife came home and caught him and another woman in your shower together. Can you imagine the swing in emotions here? From fury at believing it was you to complete shock at seeing your friend with another woman in your shower.)

Jimmy D. writes:

“During a recent conversation with some friends, somehow or another, we arrived at the subject of how much it would suck to be old. Not old like just entering retirement, but properly old and breaking down like you have trouble wiping your own ass. 
 
It’s hard for me to fathom life being worth living when someone else has to help you live it like that. Given that, I very logically came to the conclusion that once I reach that stage of life, the best thing to do would be to take my walker/cane/hoveround up to Times Square and go out, on my own terms, playing real life Frogger. My friends were quick to proclaim my insanity before I could even give all the reasons this is actually the perfect way to control your own destiny (demonstrating their inability to process life logically), but hear me out. 
 
With this last act, I would potentially make SC Top 10, Not Top 10, and the headline on Drudge all at the same time. For any male who isn’t a professional athlete, this would be the achievement of a lifetime…approaching Kliff Kingsbury awesomeness, if you will. I feel like that reason alone makes it worth it. Not to mention the facts that I’d inject some real excitement into a life that had probably been devoid of it for some time. And, I’d get to go out on my own terms as opposed to withering away old and decrepit, barely recognizable as myself.
 
What are your thoughts? If not Frogger, how would you choose to go out?” 
 
Well, there are no cars in Times Square anymore, but I get the premise of your question — the desire to go out on your own terms with a big bang. 
 
I’d like to die somewhere around 90 years old with a couple of days in the hospital in advance of death so you could say goodbye to everyone.
 
But if I had to go out in a public way, I think skydiving without a parachute would be pretty wild.
 
Imagine the attention that an old dude would get if he was like, “I’m pretty much done here. My health’s failing, I’m a strain on my family. I’ve always wanted to skydive, but I’ve always been afraid to do it. So I’ve decided to jump out of an airplane without a parachute and die that way.”
 
I think that would be pretty badass too.  
 
Josh C. writes:
 
“As a fellow Vanderbilt Law alum, I really enjoy reading your columns. Here is my question: to what extent would an elite athlete need to be “handicapped” in order to allow an average, moderately fit person to be competitive against them? For instance, could an average person outsprint Usain Bolt in the 100m if Bolt were required to run backwards? Beat Tour de France winner Chris Froome in a bike race if Froome had to race on a beach cruiser with one gear? Could you take on LeBron if he were only allowed to hop on one leg? What sports do you think would require the most and least handicap?”

Bolt running backwards would still beat the average person sprinting forwards by a substantial margin. 

There’s no doubt at all. 

I don’t even think I could beat LeBron if he only had one leg to use and had to hop throughout our game. This would be outstanding to watch on television. He could definitely back me down while dribbling and hopping and dunk on me every time.

So I’m not sure I could ever stop him defensively.

Can he switch legs if he starts to get tired of hopping?

My best strategy might be to try and keep it close until his leg gets tired.

Could I ever score on him? He could contest my outside shots just by standing still. If I tried to drive past him could he get back to the rim in time on one foot? 

This would be a great television show because you could come up with so many hypotheticals.  

For instance, could Tiger Woods beat me — or the average American golfer — playing only with a putter while you had access to every club in your bag? I think he could.

Could Lance Armstrong beat me up a big hill on a big wheel if I had a bike? I think so. 

The possibilities of this are endless. 

Aaron C. writes:

“I’d prefer to keep anonymity as to not be ridiculed by my friends and family for asking this question….
 
I have been thinking about getting a tattoo lately.  My wife has several, and I am on the fence about getting one, because I struggle with the permanency of it and what it will look like when I am 70 (Lord willing I am still alive). If I decide to pull the trigger, it would be on the inside of the arm and would be the last few words of my college’s Alma Mater. Is it ridiculous to even think about getting a tattoo after you’re married and have a kid, just seems like some of the “badassness” no longer applies? Thoughts?”
 
I’m not a tattoo guy. 
 
I just don’t get the point. If you really have a credo or a quote that you love or a family member that you never want to forget, why can’t you live in a way that embodies that credo and makes that family member proud without having to emblazon them on your body in the meantime?
 
Plus, it seems to me like having a tattoo has become so commonplace that you’re not really showing much of a rebellion by getting a tattoo. 
 
Go out to Las Vegas sometime and walk around a pool, it seems like the majority of people there in their twenties and thirties have tattoos now.
 
So I just don’t get it.
 
It’s not very rebellious. 
 
So I’d advise against making the move. Especially now that you aren’t that young. And your college’s alma mater? Most people know where you went to college, right?  
 
Jonathan P. writes:
 
“You seem to be the man to help with this question. I am a moderate UGA fan. I grew up that way because I’m from Georgia, but attended Furman University instead. (I did get accepted to UGA, but wanted a smaller college experience). My folks went to Marlyand and Georgia State, so no real blood legacy there either. I don’t really follow Furman and lets be honest, is that even college football? So, I’m dating a girl who went to Tennessee. She wants me to start pulling for them. This seems wrong to me though. I really have no affiliation with any SEC program although I want the conference as a whole to do well. Do I abandon my my mild UGA fandom? I’m also certain I would look like Phillip Fulmer in orange and that is not something I look forward to. Any advice would be welcome. Also, its not like I don’t know and love college football, I just don’t have much skin in the game.”
 
Everyone reading this right now is feeling a little bit sick to their stomachs. 
 
But they’re also thinking, how hot is the girl? 
 
In general circumstances, that is, if you really loved Georgia, this would be an entirely unacceptable trade. 
 
But it sounds like you’re a fan free agent and don’t really care that much about Georgia.
 
So it comes back to the question, have you really outkicked your coverage with her? Basically, are you willing to marry her? Even as a casual fan you can’t change teams for a girlfriend. But for a wife? That’s possible. (As for wearing orange, you can wear white with an orange power T.) 
 
I’ve debated questions like this before that get more complicated. 
 
For instance, back when Ron Zook was the coach at Florida his daughter went to Vanderbilt at the same time I was in law school there.
 
Florida’s obviously the hated rival of Georgia and Tennessee so I’d toss out the question to UT and Georgia fans in law school: Let’s say you start dating the coach of a rival program’s daughter and then end up marrying into the family. How long does it take for your fandom to start to waver in the head-to-head game between your father-in-law’s team and the team you root for? (For the sake of the argument let’s assume that you like your father-in-law and don’t hate him and want him to fail.) 
 
I think it starts to waver pretty fast.
 
Those first few games you probably still pull for your lifelong team, but that’s your father-in-law out there coaching. You know all the staff, you know how hard they’re working, inevitably you’d start to know some of the players and their life stories. Once you have kids your father-in-law probably brings them around the campus, you have incredible seats for games, unlimited access to all facilities and events, you’re there for the pre and post-game locker room talks if you want to be, hell, you can stand on the sideline if you really want to be there.
 
My contention — there’s no way you end up still rooting for the team you grew up rooting for in that yearly rivalry game.  
 
Now, I’m not saying you wouldn’t root for your team against everyone else — and you might never publicly admit that you were rooting for your father-in-law’s team — but just that in that particular game I think you’d switch sides pretty fast.  
 
One caveat: if your father-in-law was the coach at Ohio State, I don’t think you’d ever waver. 
 
Philip S. writes:
 
“You’re a lawyer. I took a taxation of non-profit entities class in law school – LOVED it.  It was the only class where I went in set-in-stone thinking one way and walked out believing the exact opposite. The amount of corruption, abuse, and misuse in the industry (yes, industry) is mind-blowing. 
 
My question to you – Do you think the revenue (ticket sales, bowl winnings, tv package deals, BCS payouts…) should be tax-exempt? It actually says in the comments of the tax code that revenue from football ticket sales is not subject to taxation. I think this is absolutely outrageous. According to one source, the CEO of the Sugar Bowl, yes the guy who plans parties around a bowl game, earns $593,000 per year. There are billions of dollars taken out of tax circulation every year and stockpiled by universities and bowl committees and tucked away in endowments. Tuition still goes up, ticket prices go up, cost of housing goes up, meal plans go up…  Where is this money going? This affects the entire country as we face an ever-increasing national debt. Please write an article about this.”
 
There is no way that college sports should be tax exempt. 
 
None. 

I’m 100% with you on the tax code though. I took a taxation of non-profit entities class taught by David Williams, now the AD at Vanderbilt, and it was the most eye-opening class I took in law school. 

I went in thinking the tax code was a boring collection of rules and regulations and that there wasn’t much art or creativity involving in practicing tax law. I left completely blown away by what a complete and total mess the tax code was. The smartest lawyers can play it like a fiddle. 

The fact that college athletics is non-profit is completely and totally absurd.

Did you know that 80% of the cost of a luxury suite at a college stadium is tax deductible? That all these bowls are “non-profit?” Did you know that if these mega-television deals are structured correctly that colleges and conferences don’t pay tax on their television money? That’s billions of dollars a year in TV money that’s untaxed. 

Remember, non-profit doesn’t mean you don’t make money, it just means you fit the definition of a tax exempt organization. Lots of non-profits make tons of money. 

Regardless of your politics, our tax code is completely and totally screwed.

The fact that major college programs are tax exempt is pretty unbelievable, but the tax code is such a mess that major athletic departments are far from the only entities saving a ton of money at the expense of logic and equity.  

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.