All That and a Bag of Mail: Johnny Manziel’s Pro Day Edition

I’m writing the mailbag just after returning from Johnny Manziel’s pro day. In a few hours I’ll be heading out to the Dixie Chicken where we’ll be doing FSLive in front of hundreds of drunk college kids. I’m sure this will come off perfectly. I’m writing on Thursday because I fly out of Houston tomorrow morning and don’t trust my Southwest flight to have wifi. I can’t miss two mailbags in a row. How would most of you go on with your lives if this happened?

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Johnny Manziel, for putting on an entertaining pro day. 

Since the Sweet 16 games start tonight and I’ve given you my picks on the first 49 games, here are my picks for today and tomorrow’s games:

Florida -4.5 vs. UCLA

Dayton +3 vs. Stanford

Wisconsin -3.5 vs. Baylor

San Diego State +8 vs. Arizona

Iowa State -1.5 vs. UConn

Michigan State -2 vs. Virginia

Tennessee +2.5 vs. Michigan

Kentucky +4.5 vs. Louisville

On to the mailbag. 

Chris F. writes:

“Wearing the pads seemed like a nice touch at Johnny Manziel’s pro day, but how much more impressive would it have been to watch him make throws wearing the Scooby Doo costume?”

It would have been epic.

As Drake’s unedited curse words were blaring out across the indoor practice faclity and Barbara Bush sat on a golf cart with her tiny dog — and George Herbert Walker Bush behind her — I thought the only thing that was missing was Johnny Manziel’s blonde in the lingerie grinding on the Bush’s golf cart hood. 

I also started wondering, do you think George Herbert Walker Bush has been to Outkick to look at pictures of Johnny Manziel dressed up as Scooby Doo? What odds would you set on this? What about Obama, he’s a big sports fan? (FYI, we all know Bill Clinton has been on here to see those pictures. Hell, he’s probably had the secret service track down the girl and DM’ed her.)

I halfway expected for Manziel not to just be playing a Drake soundtrack, but for Drake to be standing behind him rapping during the pro day. And for Katherine Webb to be there in an A&M cheerleading outfit.  

Ben H. writes:

“This debate has been raging in my office for years and we need an ‘expert’ to weigh in.

Here’s the question: Could five average guys from my office hold a 40 point lead against an NBA team with five minutes left in the game and a running clock after a made basket?

My argument has been that although we may be able to come up with a strategy to kill enough time to give us a chance for time to expire, we wouldn’t score and we probably wouldn’t even get the ball past half court.
Care to settle the debate once and for all?”

This would actually be fun to watch. 

You certainly wouldn’t score a basket. So eliminate that fantasy from your mind. There’s no way you’d cross half-court either.  

That’s why your best strategic play would be to inbound the basketball to one of your team members and then have that teammate stand immobile while squeezing the basketball to his midsection as tightly as he possibly could. You’d also want to be really slow in picking up the basketball after a made basket. Let several seconds run off before you even attempt an inbounds pass. If you can actually inbound to your teammate there would be four options: a. you hold the ball for eight seconds, upon which time you haven’t crossed halfcourt and the other team gets the ball for an NBA backcourt violation b. you get tied up, at which point you have a jump ball against a giant NBA player, which you would most certainly lose c. your feeble strength is not sufficient to keep an NBA player from simply taking the ball from you, which would be a indictiment of your masculinity that would wake you up at night even more so than normal or d. you get fouled, which means you get free throws and have your only opportunity to score.

Half of these options are good, you either run clock or get fouled. The other two options aren’t great, but they at least give you an opportunity for “success” because you bleed the clock a bit. 

Here’s the more troubling question, could you guys actually inbound the basketball? I don’t know, but I’d suggest the only game prep you guys would need is to just practice inbounding the basketball all the time. You’d need to run five inbounds plays to perfection. My concern is that if a tall defender was put on the inbounder that most average basketball players couldn’t even inbound the ball without it being tipped.

What’s the record for most consecutive inbound passes that could be blocked? Does your possession eventually run out if you get twenty straight inbound passes blocked?  

Forty points is a tall order, but it would only require twenty possessions by the NBA team.

In order to avoid giving the opposing team twenty possessions you would need to run somewhere in the neighborhood of 15 seconds off each time you had the basketball. That seems like a tall order. So my guess is the NBA team would come from forty down and beat five average guys in the final five minutes of a game.   

Jeffrey B. writes:

“If Manziel and Tebow were running for president of the south, at the peak of their popularity, who would win?”

Tebow, and it wouldn’t be close. 

Manziel’s polarizing in the South because he’s not a goody-goody. I’m not sure Manziel would win a single Southern state. Manziel wouldn’t win Texas because Longhorn fans hate him. Meanwhile, Tebow’s the Sunday school teacher from the 1950’s. Hell, and this is scary, but I bet Tebow ends up a governor or a senator from Florida one day. 

Really. 

Kurt Z. writes:

“Hey Clay,

Let’s say Johnny Football busts in two years. I absolutely don’t think he will, but let’s say he does… is he not the absolute perfect athlete to make a career out of being a professional wrestler? Are you telling me people wouldn’t buy WrestleMania by the droves if he had a match against say John Cena? Hell, why not up the ante and make him and Marshall Henderson a tag team. They’d be the greatest bad guys of this generation. Thoughts?”

You’ve sold me. 

Johnny Manziel as a professional wrestler needs to happen.

Even if he’s still playing football as well. 

Kevin B. writes:

“A stripper stole my wallet in the Courtyard Marriott hotel room in Nashville at my bachelor party. They also left a card with ‘I owe you one wallet.’ What should I do? Call her again to strip and confront her, call the police, or call it a loss?’

I’m confused by this fact pattern. Is the stripper going to return your wallet with nothing in it or your wallet with everything in it? Were your credit cards and your license and whatnot all in your wallet when she stole it? If so, you’re taking this pretty well. I don’t want to get my wallet stolen, but I’d much rather give up the money and the actual wallet than have to replace everything in the wallet if it was lost or stolen. So if a stripper stole my wallet and left me her card with a note saying she owed me a wallet, I’d definitely call her and tell her you wanted the wallet back.

Your reticence to do so makes me think this was actually a prostitute instead of a stripper. Otherwise, what do you have to lose by calling the police and telling them who stole your wallet if she refuses to return it? Whatever you do, you don’t call the robber stripper again and have her show up to strip for you once more. (Every woman is rolling her eyes at this idea. She’s like, “He’d really call her to strip again after she stole his wallet?!) If you call her to strip again, you’re probably going to get drunk and she’s going to steal your wallet again. Hell, this time, since she knows you’re afraid to call the police, she might steal your kidney too.  

Chris A. writes:

“I have watched Wolf of Wall Street 6 times since it came out on Tuesday. No, I’m not weird, why haven’t you watched it 6 times? How long will it be before Scorsese decides his next project is a biopic of Johnathon Football? The story would be crazier than Jordan Belfort’s, right? It has to be. Who would play Manziel? Heck, who would play Kliff Kingsbury when they cover the 2012 season? Would the movie test the limits of the R-rating? It would have to.”

If Manziel ever wrote a tell-all like Belfort did, I’m confident that you’re right, it would be very similar. Only instead of being filthy rich, Manziel would be filthy famous.

I’m not sure who the best actor to play Johnny Manziel would be, but I’m pretty sure it would be one of those guys from the TV show “Girls,” and I would hate the casting.

Justin Timberlake could pull it off pretty well. He’s too attractive, but so could Taylor Kitsch from Friday Night Lights. Hell, I don’t know, who do you guys suggest? I’ll add in your nominees here.    

Alex S. writes:

“A hot debate has been raging in the fraternity house halls about an animal fight. Flamingos vs Baby alligators of about 2 feet in length. While at the outset it seems like a full grown flamingo is the favorite, only alligators are still in Florida. Alligators also have millions of years of evolution behind them, while flamingos are endangered. If you still think a flamingo would win, how many baby alligators could one flamingo take on?”

Well, based on the way this email is written we can tell that you’re on the side of the alligator. I would love to know how flamingos vs. baby alligators ever got started.  (Like most things, I suspect alcohol is the linchpin). I also love that you think that flamingos are an endangered species because they get killed by alligators too often.

Neverthelesss, like Solomon, I’m going to split the baby with this ruling, flamingos are pack animals whereas alligators are solitary animals. A flock of flamingos could kill a baby alligator. But a two foot alligator is not really a baby alligator any longer, it’s a decent sized animal. I think the flamingo would win the alligator battle up to about a foot in length.

After that I believe the alligator could bite the flamingo’s leg, thereby breaking the leg and rendering the flamingo unable to defend itself.

In other news, I searched the internet for clips of flamingos fighting alligators and found none.

But I did find this flamingo going HAM on a two year old girl.

 

Gray writes:

“When will the SEC network, FOXSports, or someone else hire Marshall Henderson? You’ve got to admit he’d be an entertaining sideline reporter.”

We need to find a way to get Les Miles to hire Marshall Henderson as his butler. 

I would watch every minute of this show. 

Joshua C. writes:

“While at a bachelor party in Scottsdale for the Giant’s spring training, my friends and I were enjoying the sun and brews by the pool. Since, for a seriously inexplicable reason given this place’s proximity to the mecca of women called ASU, there were absolutely no women around, we befriended another group of guys.

After a bit of sports discussion, somehow this guy asked if we had ever heard of Clay Travis. My reaction created an immediate, unbreakable bond. We discussed your mailbag, your appreciation for proper grammar (as an English teacher, I salute you), the fact that your wife was once an NFL cheerleader and that this may be the only acceptable reason to get married, and plenty more. The conversation quickly turned to strip clubs and bars around Scottsdale. Neither of our groups had found success the night before so we were offering each other terrible advice.

We left and I never saw my new bromantic interest again. This would normally be fine, but I need you to convey a very important piece of information to him that I found out several hours too late. He resides in East St. Louis (where the strip clubs apparently give you the most bang for your buck and he reads your mailbag while working every Friday.) Here is the message:

We found a midget bar. Not a bar frequented by small people, but a bar designed half for tall people and half for short people. If you want a picture, the midget bartender climbs on the midget bar (about thigh high) and takes a picture with you. All the drinks are tall boys or doubles. Drinking games are found in abundance. Women exist at an acceptable ratio. The highlight: we met a group of girls to go with us to the strip club. Is there a better circumstance in which to go to a strip club? There is not.

My new found friend, go back to Scottsdale and go to Gilligin’s.

Joshua

PS: This strip club only gave out $2 bills as change. Genius.

Ah, the Outkick mailbag, where bromances are sealed over Arizona midget bars and strippers. 

Ain’t America grand. 

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.