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Okay, boys and girls, time to stop working for twenty minutes while you pretend to be working and read the mailbag. (Based on the number of you who tweet that you read the mailbag during class, I think we’re also responsible for helping college and grad school classes pass faster too. I’m honored. But your GPAs are probably suffering).
I don’t want to give anything away with “Game of Thrones,” but this photoshop of Jameis as Joffrey is absolutely perfect. This also makes Jimbo Cersei, which may be even more perfect.
We need a Jameis as Joffrey and Jimbo as Cersei Photoshop too.
Our beaver pelt trader of the week goes out to the FSLive Countdown to Kickoff crew who have procured me an outstanding costume for tonight’s pregame show.
Trust me, you’re going to love it.
On to the mailbag.
Tons of you on Twitter and email, “Are FSU fans the new dumbest fan base in America?”
Outkick’s dumbest fan base rankings are going to become like U.S. News for us. We’re going to do a yearly ranking at the end of every calendar year and reassess the prior year’s ranking. We still have two months left and I don’t want to underrate the defending champions from Alabama — lots can happen in November and December — but right now FSU has passed Bama. It’s going to take a teabagging or a tree killing or a minor terrorist act for Bama to reclaim their title. There’s no other way to say it, the Tide’s dumbest fan base dynasty is in peril.
I’m as shocked as y’all are.
By the way, what do you think the average IQ of the #fsutwitter mob is? 75? 80? The best thing about this crew is they think we’re the dumb ones and they’re the smart ones. The dumbest people in the world are so dumb they don’t even know how dumb they are. They think they’re the smart ones. I feel like I have to keep preaching this revelation because once you understand it the Internet makes total sense.
I have no idea how this makes sense from an evolutionary perspective. The only thing I can figure is that cave men needed some hunters who were so dumb they would actually chase the deer off the cliff and plummet to their death. Those genes somehow continued and now the ancient people who ran off the edge of cliffs chasing deer are FSU football fans on Twitter.
Josh W. writes:
“I’m twenty and you’re my role model in sports media. I love you, you gay Muslim. Who is your role model?”
First, you need to pick a better role model.
Second, Tony Kornheiser. Because he was one of the first people in sports to do writing, TV, and radio and do all three very well. I love Kornheiser and to the extent I’ve emulated anyone, it’s him. But I think you have to constantly survey the landscape to see people who are doing cool things and think about how they got to where they did. The answer is always a lot of hard work, but it’s still instructive. I’ve been thinking a ton about what’s next since my contracts are all coming up soon. What do I want to do from here? I’ve written best-selling sports books, got a website that’s rolling along and doing two million or more readers a month, been on the top rated sports talk show in the country for several years, demonstrated that I’m not completely awful on television, what’s next? And how do I balance doing everything while also ensuring that I’m still a good dad to my three boys ages six and under and not the world’s worst husband? I’m fortunate that I don’t have to do anything for money, which is a position I never thought I’d be in ten years ago when I started writing online while practicing law full time.
So I’ve clearly been thinking about things quite a bit. Not just from the creative side either, I love the business side too, where media markets are going, how to monetize content while retaining creative control. To the extent I use anyone as a role model now, I think I’d be looking outside of sports and to a guy like Howard Stern. I’m 35 now. Stern is sixty. But how many people knew him 25 years ago, in 1989? Moreover, what would Stern, who might the smartest man in media, be doing if he was 35 today? He might well go independent, put his show on the Internet, sell it and keep all the money rather than share it with a radio company. Every day distribution becomes less of an issue. No one needs a big radio tower any longer. So what happens if you create a radio world where you have complete creative freedom to do whatever you want and don’t have to answer to anyone? For instance, what would happen if I decided to say screw it to terrestrial radio and streamed an entirely free Outkick radio show every day through the site? I’d find a few good advertising sponsors that wanted to reach you guys and just roll. There would be no FCC restrictions on content and you guys could listen to it live at work or download it on a podcast or through the Outkick radio app. We’re doing millions of readers on Outkick now, could we also do millions of listeners? I think so.
Anyway, these are the things I’m thinking about during my radio non-compete.
Tweet me what you guys think I should do. I’m always interested in hearing your opinions. In the meantime, for all of you who email asking for career advice I’d encourage all of you to think about a media universe where you don’t have to work for anyone but yourself. For me, it’s pretty much here. I think it’s the future for lots of others too.
Chris K. writes:
Why do so many guys tell you to suck a dick on Twitter? I don’t understand.”
I honestly have no idea. I get told to suck a dick more than anyone in sports media. I might even get told to suck a dick more on Twitter than Kim Kardashian. I don’t understand this insult. Why is it such an insult to tell someone to do something that over half of the people between the ages of 18 and 40 either do or have done in their lives? Every woman from 18 to 40 has, at some point, sucked a dick, right? It’s not that risque of a thing to do. So has every gay man. I mean, if I was a woman or a gay man, I’d suck a dick too. It’s a nice thing to do for your partner that probably isn’t very much fun to do yourself. It’s the sexual equivalent of cutting the grass. No one likes to cut the grass, but we do it. Back before I paid someone to cut the grass, I did it, anyway. And I hated doing it, but it was a nice thing to do for my partner.
I guess this is another way of calling me gay? But, again, I don’t understand how this is an actual insult. If I were gay, I’d be gay. It’s not that big of a deal to me. It’s why I’ve come out as a gay Muslim on Twitter. I’ve just gotta be me.
I also don’t understand how the default male insult on Twitter ever became to tell somebody to suck a dick. Women don’t do this. Imagine if you saw two women arguing with each other and one of them said, “Go lick on some titties.” Or, “Go eat a pussy.” If you were a guy you’d think to yourself, “That’s a really weird insult, I do that and my partner (hopefully) likes it.”
Why not insult someone by saying something to them that everyone would agree is awful? Like, if you told me, “Go get herpes,” I’d be like, yeah, that sounds awful. I don’t want herpes. Sores on my genitals for the rest of my life would really suck. But telling me to do something that I’ve never done, but that over half the adults in America have done? That just seems stupid.
The next time someone tells you to suck a dick, I’d encourage you to respond, “Go look at Internet porn.”
Just to see what your insulter does.
Morgan B. writes:
“All this talk about Todd Gurley’s suspension for autographs got me thinking about the bigger picture: aren’t autographs incredibly overrated? We know your opinions on adults wearing jerseys, and I feel like autographed memorabilia is right up there with it. This doesn’t apply to obviously valuable ones like a Babe Ruth signed ball, or items used in a game, or even sentimental items where you met someone you admire in person. These guys are sitting in a hotel room scribbling on footballs and mini helmets, and now I’m supposed to want it that badly? Can you imagine how dumb you would feel today if you had a football signed by JaMarcus Russell or Vince Young that you paid $150 for? As dumb as the Todd Gurley suspension is, I’m almost more disappointed that there is that kind of market for signed junk. Just wondering where you stood on this kinda stuff.”
It’s totally baffling to me that grown ass men will pay for autographs of people they never met. I mean, I just don’t get it. I feel the same way about autographs as I do jerseys. Once you’re older than the person whose autograph you are getting, it’s downright creepy. Same thing with guys who wear jerseys. You’re 48 years old and you’re wearing an 18 year old’s college jersey? You were thirty when that person was born. Do you not have a moment of self-realization when you’re cutting kids in line to get autographs from athletes and think, “Holy hell, I’m a pathetic loser?”
The market’s there, but I feel like the market should be ridiculed to the ends of the earth. And if you’re a woman, you shouldn’t sleep with a grown man who buys autographs online. Can you agree to do this for me, ladies?
The only autograph I would pay for at this point is related to history. I mean, I’d love to have an Abraham Lincoln signed letter or an official order from Robert E. Lee, but that has a historical connection. Otherwise, online autographs are pretty much for losers. (Plus, wouldn’t you much rather have a picture than an autograph now? I pose for a lot of pictures. In a social media age, that seems pretty normal. You can actually share that with your friends and family.)
Jason S. writes:
With the literal millions of dollars that football programs are making, shouldn’t each and every one of them have a graduate assistant that double checks things so they don’t look foolish? Case in point, if you are FSU and your Heisman trophy candidate was embroiled in a seafood theft scandal, it is possible that the graduate assistant of good sense could go look at the public park you rented for run throughs and using Google Earth, point out that the Joe’s Crab Shack right next door may mean we need to find another place. I mean, I know it would make your job harder at Outkick, but this seems like a no brainer to me. Also, nothing drives me crazier than college coaches that don’t know how to manage the clock at the end of the half and the end of the game. The NCAA should mandate that each team employs some 8th grader who has played an absurd amount of Madden to be their designated time management guru. I mean think about it, a good college coach is coaching 14 games a year. Kids in my youth group play that many games in an afternoon. It is about situational experience and if I was a coach, one of my first hires would be the nerdiest Madden playing kid to help me manage the clock. Thoughts?”
I’ve been making this argument for years. College and pro coaches work for 170 hours a week and then make inexplicably stupid clock decisions in a game. I think this is where the lack of intelligence of many coaches comes into play. Remember, lots of coaches would otherwise be gym teachers. They can organize things pretty well and plan for a game, but when does intelligence most reveal itself? When you have to make snap decisions in situations that haven’t been practiced a thousand times, right? This is when coaches fall apart.
I would stake my life on the fact that I would not screw up the strategy of an end of game situation. I can’t do anything else well, but I can manage the clock and make strategic decisions from a probabilistic perspective. But if I was a head coach and I couldn’t do that job, I’d be self-aware enough to hire somebody who could. That would be his only job. Pay him like $75k a year and trust him implicitly on those issues.
The same is true for stupid stuff in a social media era. I could keep so many teams, players, and coaches out of stupid situations just by telling them how things would play online. How about we don’t practice next to a Joe’s Crab Shack, guys? Let’s not do that. And then when we finish practice, let’s not all walk directly past the restaurant. Let’s take a bus instead.
Garrett M. writes:
“I am a 2013 graduate of the University of Alabama and will receive my MBA from The Capstone in May. I was lucky enough to see 3 National Championships as an undergrad and am a die hard Alabama fan. The kicker here is that I was born and raised in Tallahassee, Florida. Both of my parents graduated from FSU, so I was raised a Florida State fan. Naturally, I still hold a lot of loyalty towards the Noles. Granted, if the two played I would want the Tide to win, but that is the only occasion I wish FSU to lose. I attend home games for both teams annually and have also been to the last 3 National Championship games. The question here is, does this combination of loyalties make me the dumbest fan in America? Thanks.”
Ryan K. writes:
“Like most of your male readers, me and my buddies love sitting around, drinking, and coming up with ridiculous hypotheticals. With that in mind, we were talking about the celebrity guest pickers on College Gameday and how it must be crazy for a celeb (i.e. Katy Perry) to get dropped into a SEC college town for a weekend of partying. That led to this question: which male celebrity could you drop into any SEC town for one night and cause the highest number of pregnancies 9 months from that night? Essentially, given one night of partying anywhere from College Station to Lexington, who is getting to know, in the biblical sense, the most amount of coeds in a given night? Let’s say it’s a Friday night before a big home football game to give them a maximum talent pool to work with.
Some of the names thrown out in our group were: DiCaprio, Luke Bryan, & Justin Timberlake. My money is on Timberlake because it seems like he is universally loved. Although you can’t sleep on Luke Bryan’s southern ties. More importantly – what is the over/under on how many girls in one night one of these guys could consensually (no Florida State) hook up with? 10? More?”
You have to leave sports behind because lots of women don’t care that much about sports. If I had to go with a sports figure who could sleep with the most women on a football weekend, I’d probably go with Tom Brady at Michigan. I mean, who wouldn’t sleep with Tom Brady? I’m straight and I’m pretty sure I’d sleep with him. If Kliff Kingsbury just went wild one weekend in Lubbock he could probably give Brady a run too.
For entertainers, Justin Timberlake is the answer. Timberlake is the coolest man of our generation. Every single woman reading this right now would sleep with JT and so would lots of the men. Hell, lots of husband would brag about their wives or girlfriends sleeping with JT. Matthew McConaughey, Channing Tatum, and Leonardo Dicaprio would also do incredibly well on campuses. So would George Clooney, which is just crazy since he’s over fifty. All of these guys could walk into any college bar in the country and women would throw themselves at them. 99.9999999% of men will never know what it’s like to have women throwing themselves at you. I honestly have no idea how these guys aren’t all dead by the time they’re forty.
As for numbers, this is really just a physical question. As much as I would like to have had the opportunity to have had so much sex with so many different women that I couldn’t have sex anymore, I’ve never really come close to that situation. I’m married with three kids under six so I’m happy to have sex period, much less multiple times in one day.
Figure that an entire day of partying would start at seven in the morning and end at seven the next morning. That’s 24 hours. Factor in multiples and I think 25 is probably doable. If it has to be one girl at a time I’d go 14.
“A little more than two months have passed since the SEC Network has launched. I was initially very excited to watch it, but now I only find myself watching it on Saturdays. As a Gay, Muslim, racist FSU hater, would you consider the network successful compared to the other conference networks, especially with non-Saturday programming? Also, do you feel Brent Musburger has been demoted? He went from working with Herbie to working C-List games with The Bachelor, with the exception of this past weekend.”
I think the programming has been pretty good, particularly the SEC Wives show, which should become a staple. Paul Finebaum’s show on TV works well. To the SEC Network’s credit, Finebaum’s show is edgier than anything that has ever appeared on any other league sponsored station. But the truth of the matter is it’s all about the games. I’m like most of you guys, I watch the games and then I spend most of my other TV time watching DVR’ed episodes of current shows or binge watching shows that have already aired that I never saw. Right now I’m well into “Breaking Bad,” for instance. (Saul Goodman is now my favorite character in TV history.) I don’t watch much sports programming that airs outside of the games.
And the SEC Network’s games themselves have been well done. As for Musburger, he lends a great deal of gravitas to the nightly SEC games. He just sounds great, I love him. ESPN and the SEC won the distribution war so easily that the SEC Network hasn’t needed to schedule the best games on the channel. I suspect they thought they would. As a result, Musburger’s games haven’t been that strong.
Chad W. writes:
I need some help planning my buddies bachelor party. It’ll be next year during football season and we want to go to an away game. Yes, planning this a year in advance seems crazy but most of our friends need that much notice to make any decisions in life. Since we’ve already gone to the Lake of the Ozarks, Tunica, Vegas, Chicago for other bachelor parties, the groom decided on an away Mizzou game and left me in charge from there. We all live in St. Louis, most of us went to Mizzou and the move to the SEC has been a blast (I discovered your site just before Mizzou moved to the SEC and have been hooked since).
The groom and I narrowed the choices to the Georgia game or the Vanderbilt game unless you’ve got a convincing argument to go to Lexington or Fayetteville for a bachelor party… I love Nashville and it’s the only town I’d consider moving to other than St. Louis. My brother in law lives there and we make a few trips a year, the groom and I went to the Vanderbilt game last year when Mizzou was in town and we had a blast, although the game itself was incredibly boring.
Since we can’t decide, I’ve decided to leave it up to you to decide for us. Do we go to Nashville or Athens for 3-4 days? The game is the reason for going but just a small portion of the overall trip. I know what to expect if we go to Nashville and it’s an easier trip to make. None of us have been to Athens so I don’t know if there is as much to do for a bunch of drunk 30 year men (aside from just drinking for 4 days). If I remember from your trip to Columbia, MO you said it most resembles Athens as an SEC college town so this has me intrigued.”
If you’re over the age of thirty and you didn’t go to the college town for school yourselves that’s too much time to spend in a college town at your ages. You won’t know anyone and you’ll seem really old to the girls out at the bars.
Why not do both though? Rent a bus to drive you down and back to Athens one day and stay in Nashville the other three days. I solve problems, it’s what I do.
Hunter G. writes:
“I’m a 1st year law student and I want to know how you juggled football and studied. I’ve had to gradually cut down on how many games I watch. I’m to the point now where I only watch CFB on Saturdays, but with memos and finals looming I’m concerned that I’ll have to cut out Saturdays too. This weekend I’m going to try watching games on mute but any other tips would be greatly appreciated.”
You have to choose what you want your life to be like. It starts in law school. I vividly remember being asked to join a serious study group during my first year of law school. All of the people in that group went on to make A’s or A minuses and kill it on first year exams. Good for them. But the first question I asked was when do you meet. The answer was all day Saturday afternoon.
I said, “Thanks, but I’m out.”
Pick the two games you most want to watch and ensure that you watch them entirely. If one ends up a blowout, pick another game to watch. All lawyers put on golden handcuffs at some point. That means that you accept the money in exchange for the loss of your life. You have to decide how much time you’re willing to wear those handcuffs. One of the craziest things about our modern society — to me, anyway — is that the people who are the smartest work the hardest. This is the exact opposite of what used to happen. The more school you have, in general, the harder your working life will be in terms of hours. At some point we have to reclaim control of our lives.
I’m a big believer in the fact that you can over work and over study. Unless you’re one of those bionic men or women who doesn’t need sleep — these are the people I’ve always been the most jealous of, but I’m not one of them — sleep more. As hard as you’re working your brain, you need at least eight hours of sleep to recover. The first year of law school is incredibly stressful and it’s easy to get overwhelmed. You know what I did before I went to sleep during my first year? I read the Harry Potter books.
After reading cases all day, I wanted to give my brain an enjoyable read.
The other thing to keep in mind is you’re going to bust your ass for that first job and then odds are you’re not going to have that job within two or three years. So to steal a page from Aaron Rodgers.