It’s the Friday mailbag.
So buckle up and quit pretending that you’re doing any work at all.
I know you’re faking.
It’s time to revel in the wackiness that is the emails you send to me.
Our beaver pelt trader of the week is USC coach Ed Orgeron, who began his campaign to potentially end up as the next USC coach with a 38-31 win over Arizona. Please let him end up with the job.
Without further ado, on to the mailbag.
Name requested to be withheld writes:
Ignoring the fact that our halloween celebrations have evolved somewhat over the past five years, I immediately told her that I approved and asked her what size I needed to order. Later she reminded me that we would be walking around the neighborhood with the kids and she sent me this as a cheaper and ‘more sensible’ alternative:
Despite the fact that we are in our mid-30s and have two toddlers, she is in the best shape of her life and can still pull off the first outfit. As I am in charge of buying things on the internet in our household, she has left the decision up to me. From one man who has outkicked his coverage to another, what should I do?”
You buy both outfits.
For men, the greatest thing about Halloween costumes these days is fantasizing about taking them off our wives or girlfriends at the end of the night. Every single women’s Halloween costume is, God bless them each and every one, sexy.
They even have a Sexy Big Bird costume.
Last year my entire family went as the Ghostbusters. My four and two year olds had awesome ghostbuster uniforms — my now three year old would dress as a ghostbuster every day if he could — I was the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man and my wife was a sexy ghostbuster. Thank God that someone came up with the idea of a sexy ghostbuster costume.
Now, the costume wasn’t as hot as Jessi’s above, but it was definitely hot enough for me.
The real question you’re asking here is, how hot is too hot for a mom’s Halloween costume? But if your wife is in great shape after having two kids, why not take advantage of that while you still can?
So you buy both costumes and you let her decide what to wear. Either way you win. She’s going to put on those chaps and tiny boy shorts at some point on Halloween. Either it’s just for you or she wears it all day and you spend the entire night looking forward to taking it off her.
I don’t see how you lose at all here.
Buy them both!
(Also, as Halloween gets closer send me your costume pictures. Funny, sexy, absurd, whatever it is, send them in. I love posting your costumes on here.)
Robert S. writes:
“I went to the UT/UGA game and sat next to an older couple. You know the kind. The man is wearing the huge headphones listening to Bob Kesling call the game. Neither one of them stood up or made a sound the entire game, and thankfully they never asked anyone to sit down. Unfortunately, the most annoying UGA fan in the world was sitting in front of me. You know the kind. The guy that barks like a dog anytime UGA does anything good in the game. After they kicked the game winning field goal, this UGA fan continues to bark as he is walking down the stairs, and then the unexpected happens. The older woman sitting next to me (remember she hasn’t said a word the whole game) leans over to me and says, “I wish that mother f***** would fall down the stairs.” And then guess what? That barking mother f***** falls down the stairs!”
I absolutely love this email.
The only thing that could make this better would be a video that included this old woman calling the Georgia fan a motherf—–.
If you’re a grown ass Georgia fan and you bark uproariously throughout the game, you definitely failed the GED, right?
In fact, is there any doubt that the number of barks a grown man does during the game is inversely related to the level of education he’s achieved? I wish I was more technically skilled so we could actually make a graph with barks at the bottom and educational achievement on the left side.
“First of all my girlfriend is in a local performance and has a couple of woman crushes in the cast. The idea of a threesome was thrown out the other night during a party with the cast members at our house. My girlfriend is game but I am trying to strategically pick the best girl for the occasion. All the options listed below are girls aged around 25.
A red head with a massive rack that is a burlesque dancer. The problem is she has a boyfriend and so I would not be able to participate. I would just watch her and my girlfriend.
A petite tan brown haired cutie that I have known since high school. I never had much to do with her then because she was in the band and pale. I know I am an awful person. She has grown up well but I still feel she will be inexperienced and awkward.
This girl is decently attractive and definitely down. This option seems the best because there would be no awkwardness and she is experienced but she is currently separated from her husband so that throws a big kink in mix.
As you can tell I am on the edge of every guy’s dream but I want to make a good decision. Do I go with the hottest girl (option A) and just watch? Take the risk on awkwardness (Option B) or go for the best pick (Option C) and somehow forget her pending divorce?”
My inclination is to go with option B here.
Now I’ll explain why via process of elimination.
In option A you would just watch. So basically you get a sex show that you could see in any strip club or on any bachelor party that you’ve ever attended. I mean, that’s fine, but it’s definitely the most awkward of all when it’s just you and the two girls. What do you wear while you watch? Is the room well lit? How close can you get? What do you do with your hands?
The whole thing in Option A is awkward.
You seem worried about the awkwardness of option B, but at least you’re involved then. It’s a threesome, how awkward could it be? Even if it’s the most awkward sex you’ve ever had there are two naked women having sex with you at the same time. I think I’d get over the awkward angle.
As for Option C, don’t mess with a married woman. Right now she’s separated from her husband, but what happens if they get back together and she confesses that she was in a threesome with you and another woman while they were apart? Who’s he going to blame when he enters into his inevitable Incredible Hulk rage? Certainly not either of the women. That leaves you. What if he’s truly crazy? He might try and kill you. Talk about a threesome buzz kill.
No, you have to go with Option B.
Lots of you on Twitter:
“Where would this year’s Louisville team rank in the SEC?”
Louisville would lose the majority of the time it played Alabama, Georgia, LSU, Texas A&M, South Carolina, Florida, Missouri, and potentially Auburn and Ole Miss too.
So I think Louisville would be around the 8th-10th best team in the SEC this year.
I also think there are at least twenty teams nationwide that would be favored over Louisville as well.
Now, importantly, that doesn’t mean that it would be impossible for Louisville to beat all these teams on any individual game basis, just that it’s unlikely.
Sure, ten months ago Louisville beat Florida in the Sugar Bowl. Okay, nice win.
But if Louisville and Florida had played again a week later, I still would have picked Florida to win.
Because Florida’s a better team.
Somehow in football lots of fans believe that whatever happens in one game would happen over and over again if new games were played between the same teams. But that’s ridiculous. Every game would be different. Think about the baseball or basketball playoffs. There’s a reason the teams play a seven game series. Because the best team doesn’t always win the first game. The best team does, however, win over the length of the seven-game series.
So if Florida and Louisville had played ten Sugar Bowl games on ten consecutive weekends, I think Florida would have won seven and Louisville would have won three.
Just because Louisville won a single game doesn’t make them “better” than Florida. They were better for that sixty minutes, sure, but you can’t, as many commentators, fans, and media seem willing to do, use that single win as justification for a team being good nearly a year later.
Put simply, Louisville has no business in the discussion of national title contenders.
An old ex-boyfriend of my wife pulled a social media full-court press by friending her on Facebook and following her on Twitter. He then sent tons of messages. After a while I told my wife I was a little uncomfortable with his social media aggressiveness and asked she block him. She let me read his messages and they were getting pretty personal so that was the reason for me being uncomfortable with him. Based on what he did, and me thinking like a guy, I assumed ulterior motives. My wife said I overreacted, that she was just trying to be civil and an adult by accepting his requests. Who do you think was right?”
The ex-boyfriend is clearly trying to have sex with your wife.
But if you tell your wife this she probably won’t believe you.
“What,” she’ll say, “we’re just friends.”
Women, for whatever reason — perhaps they need to believe better for the continuation of our species — refuse to believe that virtually everything a single man does is rooted in sex or the pursuit of sex.
You know this because you’re a guy. He definitely sought her out to try and have sex with her again. Maybe not directly, but indirectly to see if she’s game.
This is also, incidentally, why moms always think their daughters high school boyfriends are “so cute and so sweet,” while every dad alive would like to strangle the boyfriends to death with his bare hands.
“I am a Vandy fan and have season tickets with my wife and now 3 year old daughter. We have had them since our daughter was born, but would either bring her in the game for her to sleep or leave her at the tailgate with someone else. This year, she is really enjoying coming to the games and yells “Anchor Down” at everything.
I always drink like I am still in college on gameday and try to bring in some scotch for the game. I also yell, cuss, scream, boo and generally act like I’m 19 throughout the entire game. On the way up to the Ole Miss game, my wife turned down the radio and said that she had to talk to me about something important and said that it was time I started to act mature during the games. I still don’t know how to handle her demand and I could use some advice on how to be a fan while the parent of a young child.”
Yeah, this is tough.
Because, as much fun as going to a game with a little kid can be, it’s a completely different experience than going with other adults.
Especially if you like to drink and really cut loose at the tailgate and then the game.
This is one of many reasons why, as I wrote in a previous mailbag, so many relationship fights occur around college football games. College football games are like relationship petri dishes, every minor issue shows up under the microscope of a long day spent with alcohol, friends, travel, and the passions of a game.
My suggestion would be that there are “kid games,” and “big games.”
A kid game would be one that you know your team is going to win and so you can take it easier. (Admittedly as a Vanderbilt fan these games were few and far between over the years). If you feel the need to scream, curse, and generally behave like a mad man at the Austin Peay game, well, that’s an issue and your wife probably has a point.
It’s my belief that kids have to prove themselves as fans to take up tickets to big games.
Why bring a three year old to Alabama-Auburn, for instance? There’s too much at stake. Wait until the kid is old enough to know what he’s getting into. That age can depend on the kid’s relative maturity.
Incidentally, fans already make decisions like this based on the quality of the game. Women, for instance, dress better for the big games than they do for the lower tier games. They save their favorite sundresses for the rivalry game, the one with the national television audience. I’m convinced they even wear better underwear to these games. You’re not wasting the new dress and the new heels on UAB. You’re just not.
So I’d suggest a balancing test here, take the daughter to half the games and behave, continue to act as you normally would at the big games while leaving her at the tailgate.
Is this reasonable, ladies? It seems like it to me.
Of course, this just forestalls the inevitable, sooner or later your daughter will be attending the big games too. And then you’ll really have to grow up.
Brian M. writes:
“My good friend broke half of his tooth off 1 day before his wedding. One of our friends hit him in the nuts and he bent over in pain and broke it off on a bottle. How do we tell the bride to be? Here’s his tooth.
This is why women don’t trust their husbands-to-be to go out the night before the wedding.
The first “Hangover,” was a tremendously successful movie because it was fun and hysterical, but also because it played into every bride’s worst nightmare, what if my husband doesn’t show up at the wedding after going out with his friends?
I’m sure there have been quite a few grooms who showed up for their weddings with black eyes, broken arms, and fresh DUI arrests the night before their weddings. (Chances are some of you are reading this right now and nodding). Women, on the other hand, are cloistered in their hotel rooms protected like heads of state during terrorist attacks. Nothing and no one is getting to them that could possibly cause any harm. For instance, there has never been a bride who got a black eye the night before her wedding. Ever. (Shotgun weddings and those in Las Vegas excepted).
The answer here is simple, you get the tooth fixed at an emergency dentist first thing in the morning and don’t even tell the bride about it until after the wedding.
Bryan M. writes:
Please settle a friendly discussion, as the expert in this area. I have a friend who most likely outkicked his coverage, though not totally obvious. His wife, however, openly says that he did in fact outkick it. Basically, she’s calling herself hot and openly admitting she likely married down in the looks department. The debate is: whether this is a knock on her personally since it’s not obvious. As a group, we’re split. Some appreciate the confidence, others see it as a personality flaw, leading to discussions on whether she actually outkicked her coverage.”
The only person who can brag about outkicking his or her coverage is the one who did, in fact, outkick his or her coverage.
Then it’s a compliment to your significant other.
Otherwise you just look like an asshole.
Because then what you’re saying is, “I’m really good looking and my partner is ugly.”
I came across this experiment on the internet:
Basically, NASA will pay you $18k to stay in bed for 70 days.They try to make it sound awesome but that sounds pretty miserable to me. You can’t get out of bed to walk around, shower, or go to the bathroom. What’s the longest you have stayed in bed consecutively? What would it take for you to complete this experiment? What kind of psychological and physical problems would occur from being bedridden for 70 days? What would it take for you to complete this experiment? I know it would take alot more than $18k for me.”
I fantasize about spending much more time in bed now than I do.
I love sleep.
You can tell who has kids by asking this question, “What’s your biggest fantasy right now?” Most people with kids will answer like me, “That I could sleep for the next 12 hours straight and my kids would too.”
I don’t think I’ve been in a bed for more than ten hours since law school. But before I was married with kids my favorite thing to do was climb into bed and know that I could sleep for as long as I wanted and had absolutely nothing to do in the morning.
What would it cost for me to stay in bed for 70 days? God, that would be miserable. Millions, for sure. And I’m not even sure I’d be willing to do it for that. I mean, I read a ton and could still write and hang out online, but do you know how enfeebled you’d become? Do you have to wear a catheter and stay outside your own house in a laboratory?
There is no way I’d do this.
Brad B. writes:
“Subject: Little girls in cheerleading outfits.
It’s not what you think, you pervert.
I’m taking my 7-year old daughter to a game this weekend. She loves going to high school football games, but this will be her first college game. I think she’ll love all of the Homecoming pomp and circumstance, and I won’t be too upset if she’s ready to leave at the start of the third quarter. It’s homecoming and we’re a big favorite in the game.
My question is this: What is the cutoff age for girls to wear the school’s cheerleader costume to the game?
I figure if anyone knows, it’s the guy who wore a safety green shirt on a college football show and wrote the book on male gameday attire.”
Your daughter will know when she’s too old to wear a cheerleading outfit to the game.
And it will be much younger than you would think and hope it would be.
Have you seen what girls wear these days? Twelve year old girls dress in clothes that would have been too provocative for grown women in 1990.
Good luck with the teenage years.
“My girlfriend and I have been dating for two years. We have been doing the long-distance deal since this past January. She is in the process of transferring jobs and moving to where I live this November. We haven’t specifically talked about getting married or having kids but I think we both assume that one day we will get married and eventually have kids.
Her older sister had a baby six months ago. Since then, I receive at least 10 picture texts of the baby forwarded to me on a daily basis. I receive pictures of the baby bathing, laughing, crying, sleeping, staring, yawning, etc. The baby is very cute and I genuinely like receiving the picture texts. They brighten up my day and break the monotony of my job as an attorney.
My girlfriend and I try to see each other about every other weekend. Today, in anticipation of seeing one another tonight, I sent her a casual sext to get things going for tonight (You may not be able to imagine the sexual frustration of being involved in a long-distance heterosexual relationship – with you being an admitted gay Muslim).She is normally pretty good about sexts – sending some pics or otherwise keeping me interested in whatever naughty things she has to say. But today, in response to my sexts, she promptly replied with a series of picture texts of her niece with a poopy diaper.
I guess there is a chance she “didn’t see” my sext and already had the pictures loaded and ready to go. But, you can imagine that a baby with a poopy diaper was the last thing I wanted to see in reply to a sext. Should I be alarmed? She always tells me that everything “happens for a reason” and I can only assume that is her intent here too. Should it be alarming that this baby’s cuteness is greater than my girlfriend’s sexual interest? Maybe that is acceptable if it is a baby of your own, but it’s not even her baby!
You might as well learn the truth now — all women are much more interested in babies than they are in sex.
Even the ones who claim that they aren’t interested in babies? They’re interested in babies and trying to get you to have a baby with them by pretending that they aren’t interested in having babies.
You want to really depress yourself? Ask your girlfriend whether she would rather watch you burn her favorite article of clothing or not have sex with you for a month. The vast majority of women will pick their favorite article of clothing and abstain from sleeping with you for a month. Every single married woman will.
Every single man reading this right now is incredulous.
But it’s true.
Ben F. writes:
“Back in college, our group of guys religiously played pick-up basketball in order to get ready for the Intramural Season. At Lipscomb University, many of our Intramural basketball games had triple the attendance of the actual College Men’s games, so naturally intramurals were taken far too seriously (especially by the guys who were “recruited by many colleges to play ball, but came to Lipscomb to focus on their schoolwork”….yea sure).
We regularly had arguments about whether the best guy’s intramural team at school could beat the UCONN Women’s team in a legitimate basketball game. I always argued that the Huskie women (literally & figuratively) would run us to death and beat us into submission. However, others thought that was ridiculoust.
So who wins the game? “Lipscomb’s Finest” or the UCONN Lady Huskies? Keep in mind – we were all under 6’4, but the game ball would be Men’s Regulation size. If there are any other dynamics, feel free to make assumptions. We need your profound wisdom on this one.”
The best guy’s intramural team at any major college or university would crush the best women’s college basketball team in the country.
I mean, destroy them.
Most high school state championship teams would beat the top women’s college teams as well.
The men are just bigger, faster, taller and stronger. Plus, your hypothesis requires the use of a men’s basketball, which is heavier, larger, and harder to make shots with.
This is why women’s college teams practice against male players. Ask my buddy Chad Withrow about playing against the Lady Vols in college. The intramural men used to run them.
I’m not trying to denigrate the women’s teams here, it’s just a vastly different game and the men would, without question, dominate.
“The other night my girlfriend and I were out watching the Dolphins game when two gentlemen asked if they could join our table. The topic of college football came up and we started chit chatting when one of the guys made a fatal error. We were talking about who would win the national title and I mentioned that I thought Georgia had a pretty realistic shot at making the game, assuming they win out and don’t lose to Bama again (who looks very beatable this year). One of the guys goes, “I don’t think Georgia is going to win the national title because I think Tajh Boyd is going to win the Heisman and the Heisman winner never wins the title game.” To which I said, “Tajh Boyd is the Clemson quarterback, what are you talking about?” He did not believe me about Boyd and, hoping to prove his point, Googled him only to find out that I was correct. Shortly after the gentlemen left the table and my girlfriend was beyond angry since she found them attractive. We then got into an argument which boiled down to this:
If you’re a girl that has reasonable football knowledge and are talking to a potential date, if he says something wrong do you correct him? I feel like this would probably be pretty emasculating for a guy but this guy wasn’t even close. Is it more attractive to play dumb? Is it unreasonable of me to be picky and want a guy that at least knows his stuff? We’re torn but the more I think about it, the more I think that I need to start playing dumb, which is ridiculous considering I live in Gainesville.”
If you have to pretend to be dumb to get a guy or girl, you’re wasting your time with them.
The fact that a guy in Gainesville didn’t know who Georgia’s fourth-year starting quarterback was is a pretty big red flag anyway. He clearly has no guy friends at all or he would have picked up on Aaron Murray’s name at some point over the past four years.
You’re better off calling him on his stupidity.
But, seriously, this is my number one advice for women — don’t play dumb.
Unforutnately for you, lots of men are not playing dumb, they’re just dumb.
“Hey Clay I need your opinion on an argument my wife and I have been having. So for the past 3 years two of my friends and I have been meeting up one weekend a year to hang out. I live in Gainesville, another one lives in Pensacola and the other one lives in Montgomery. So it’s not exactly easy for us to just meet up whenever we want to. Well we are about to do it again this year and my wife says that this will be the last year for us to do this. She says it’s immature for guys who are all 29 years old to still plan things and go away for a weekend to hang out. It’s not like we go to Vegas or anything, our go to place is Oak Mountain in Birmingham. We pretty much just sit around play cards and hike. It just gives us a chance to see each other and hang out and get away from our lives for a few days. Well again she says it’s dumb and that we aren’t 18 anymore. So who is right here? Is she right and we are too old to still be trying to get away for a weekend, we should’ve done this when we were 18 and had no kids or responsibilites. Or am I right by saying this isnt that big of a deal and as long as we are still taking care of our buisness of being a dad and husband the rest of the year, whats the big deal with us getting away 3 days out of the whole year.”
Does she have any girlfriends or the opportunity to get away with them? If you wouldn’t let her go away for the weekend then she has a point. Otherwise she’s being pretty ridiculous.
I don’t think there’s anything weird at all about wanting to go hang out with your guy friends without any women around. Just like I wouldn’t think it was weird at all for a woman to want to go hang out with her girl friends without any guys around.
She should let you go.
Nick G. writes:
“Thanks for all you do. I know you love ridiculous hypotheticals, so I’ll pitch this one: let’s assume that you can see into Chip Kelly’s future and that his NFL experiment will be deemed a failure in 2014. If given a choice as a *insert school* fan, would you take your chances with *current coach* OR sign on for three Derek Dooley-esqe years that conclude with a legitimate shot to ink Chip Kelly at the end? This scenario could obviously be applied to any school. There are a fair number of big-time programs that could be persuaded to consider this deal. Your thoughts?”
I don’t think this is a diffcult decision at all — you take the three years of football futility in exchange for Chip Kelly as the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow following the football storm.
Kelly has a two year show cause. So he can coach the Eagles for the next two years and then be the hottest college coaching free agent in the country when it’s time for the 2015 season to start.
Can you imagine Chip at USC or Texas? Good lord, you’re assured multiple national titles over the next decade.
Alabama was pretty awful for nearly 15 years without Nick Saban. And that was 15 years. Does anyone even talk about how bad Bama used to be now? Three years of being crappy is nothing. Every program has been there at some point. If you know you can get Chip Kelly, this is an easy trade to make.