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I’ve survived a cross-country flight and a day at Disneyland with my four and six year old boys and my 70 year old parents. This morning I woke up and felt like I just ran a marathon. By the time we got to the hotel last night it was after ten pacific so both my boys fell asleep in the car. We carried them upstairs and then my six year old slept with my parents in the king-size room and my four year old slept with me on the pull-out couch.
It was so late we left him dressed in his Jedi outfit — yes, he had to put his light saber through the metal detector. In the middle of the night, he wakes up beside me screaming because he’s not wearing his pajamas. I mean, just wailing as loud as he can. My dad didn’t wake up because he can’t hear anything and my six year old didn’t wake up because there’s some sort of weird child quirk whereby one kid doesn’t necessarily wake up when the other kid is screaming and crying. (The same is true, by the way, of our burglar alarm. Whenever it accidentally goes off in our house at night — and this happens more often than it should — the kids don’t wake up at all. Not one reaction.)
Anyway, how terrifying of a moment is it when your kid wakes up screaming as loud as he can in the middle of the night? When you’re sleeping completely well — a rarity in itself — and then in the middle of the night you’re stumbling around in the pitch black looking for a kid’s pajamas. Like, what’s the equivalent of this in your pre-child life? The only thing I can come up with is this must have been what it was like for the Yankee soldiers taking naps in their tents when Stonewall Jackson’s attack happened in the battle of Chancellorsville.
We get him changed into his pajamas — try getting pajamas on a kid when your eyes can’t open — and then he wakes up at dawn with no memories of the night before. It honestly doesn’t matter what time zone we’re in, my kids are going to wake up at dawn. We could fly all the way to Australia and at the first moment that there’s a hint of light in the sky, my kids are awake. It’s uncanny. I want to record them early in the morning and save it for when they’re teenagers.
Anyway, our beaver pelt trader of the week is my dad, who turns seventy years old today. Despite the fact that he can’t hear anything, he’s honestly the best man I’ve ever known. He’s exactly like me except instead of everyone hating me, not one single person in the universe dislikes my dad. It’s incredible.
Happy 70th dad.
On to the mailbag:
A bunch of you on Twitter and email
How dirty is Jimbo Fisher?”
He’s dirty as hell. While it’s fair to criticize Jameis Winston for being an idiot — and potentially a rapist — do any of his actions really surprise you? I mean, no one accused of rape has ever said, “Yep, you got me. I totally raped her.” No one accused of getting paid for autographs has ever been like, “Yep, I did it. I took the money and knew I was breaking the rules.”
If there wasn’t video of Jameis walking out of Publix with the crab legs, he would have denied this too. That’s what liars do, they lie. Jameis’s lies are predictable. I don’t even blame him for lying, it’s pretty much expected.
But if Jimbo Fisher’s brain works at any mental capacity above that of an average FSU fan — so if he has an IQ above 70 — then he has to realize Winston’s lying to him, right? So why isn’t anyone criticizing Jimbo for the way he’s handling these situations.
I think Jimbo Fisher’s dirty as hell.
Yet the response to this email will be just about the only criticism anyone has levied at Jimbo since this entire Jameis mess started. That’s crazy to me.
Put it this way, say nothing else changes about this story except that Jameis played for Urban Meyer at Ohio State. How much different is this story being covered. Is Jameis even allowed to play college football? I don’t think so. Now, you can argue that’s because Urban has a history of leniency towards players, but I think it’s also indicative of some coaches having more stringent standards than others. One of the reasons why Urban gets ripped is the same reason Jimbo should be getting ripped — because he offers a mindlessly tone deaf response to situations like these.
Continuing to protect and shield Jameis Winston while saying you have no reason to doubt his word is one of the dirtiest coaching moves of modern college football. It’s just a blatant lie from Jimbo too and no one calls him on it.
I’m honestly just not sure whether Jimbo is such a diabolical genius that he’s making a calculated decision in how to play this or if he’s just so dumb he’s not intelligent enough to understand how bad he looks to everyone who isn’t an FSU fan. Remember, lots of coaches making millions of dollars a year would be coaching high school PE if they weren’t coaching a football team. For the most part we’re not talking about guys who would be Goldman Sachs partners if they hadn’t decided to coach football. College football isn’t a collection of the greatest minds in history.
I am an SEC school graduate, former sorority girl and a newlywed to a huge Tennessee fan. All of these criteria qualify me to make a comparison between crazy girls and football loving boys. As a sorority girl at an SEC school, I’ve experienced the “crazy” all men dread. I get it. The over-emotional, sub-tweeting, bipolar expressions of a dramatic life are there, I know, but as a Tennessee fan, I’m starting to see a parallel between a girl’s perspective on her situation is after a boy breaks her heart and a man that is losing or lost faith in his team. Let me give you an example of an actual conversation I’ve had with a girl, and actual comments I’ve heard from my husband’s friends:
Girl Statement: Gah, I hate this guy. All he does is break my heart and I continue to go back to him because I just can’t get enough. Something about him just draws me in. This sucks. I quit. I’m over boys. Just over it. I’m going to eat my weight in Raisinets, get fat and become a cat lady. I give up.
Guy Statement: Gah. I hate the University of Tennessee. All they do is break my heart. I get hope from the little things and then it blows up in my face. But something just keeps bringing me back. I just can’t get enough. This sucks. I quit. I think we should just shut down the whole athletic department. I give up.
Am I the only one that sees this correlation? I get that boys just don’t understand girls, but it’s all about priorities. And I’m a little tired of boys thinking that the girls are the only dramatic, cray cray ones. We’re all one in the same whether we’re upset our best friend stole our favorite boots or another school stole a recruit. It can leave a bitterness in your heart. I won’t call the boys crazy for loving football with all the passion they have, but can we at least recognize the “crazy” comparisons and similarities?”
You hypothesize that the past eight years or so of Tennessee football has turned every Vol fan into the equivalent of a crazy sorority girl. I think your hypothesis is 100% accurate.
I also love the overall analogy — college football turns men into crazy sorority girls.
I think it’s true too.
There are tons of women reading this right now who wonder why their boyfriends or husbands can show zero emotion when you’re mad at us for something in a relationship and be ready to dive into the Tennessee River wearing a weighted belt after a tenth straight loss to Florida.
I don’t have any answers.
But it’s true.
As Benjamin Franklin said about his morose affinity for Temple football, “Passion governs, and she never governs wisely.”
Darren M. writes:
With HBO announcing they will sell subscriptions for the HBO GO App without requiring an HBO cable subscription, it has me contemplating “cutting the cord” and getting rid of cable. Ten years ago, this would have put me in the “wear a tin foil hat to block the alien mind waves crowd,” but now with all the streaming services and an antenna it’s no big deal. Except for ESPN. So my question for the gay Muslim attorney is this – if ESPN ever sold access to their App that didn’t require a cable/tv subscription would that be the end of cable/satellite TV as we know it? What’s your prediction on where this will be in 10 years? 20? Could ESPN make even more money selling direct to the consumer and cutting out the middle men?”
I don’t believe ESPN will ever do this because it would kill their business. HBO’s move isn’t that revolutionary because it’s already a premium channel. That is, you have to choose to subscribe to HBO outside of a traditional cable package already. So this isn’t really that revolutionary of a move.
Right now ESPN is making right at $6 a month from around 100 million cable subscribers. That’s roughly $7 billion a year in subscriber revenue. How many people would subscribe to stand alone ESPN? Let’s say a quarter of those people would subscribe to over-the-top ESPN. (Which is probably way too high. The vast majority of Americans aren’t big sports fans). In order to recapture the same revenue you’d have to increase your cost to $24 a month. That’s $384 a year just for ESPN. Then you’d have to add in your subscriptions for ESPN2 and ESPNU and the SEC Network. Toss in NBC and FS1 and the regional sports networks that carry your favorite teams and the average sports fan would pay more for just sports over the top than you do now for your cable subscription.
None of that even takes into account the cost for Bravo or AMC or MTV or Sprout or whatever other channels people watch in your household.
I’ve changed my mind on the idea of a la carte. I think it would be bad for consumers because we’d all end up paying more for much less content. Right now we all subsidize channels we don’t watch, but that subsidized bundle keeps the costs lower for everyone else.
I understand why non-sports fans would want to get rid of cable bundles, but I really don’t understand why sports fans would. Your Aunt Mildred who hasn’t watch a sporting event since 1974 is helping to defray the cost of your sports obsession.
What are the odds that Jameis Winston’s student code of conduct hearing is completed before the season is over for FSU? And if the parties settle before the hearing (for instance, Winston and his alleged victim reach a monetary settlement), can the code of conduct hearing be cancelled? I can’t imagine that there are not frantic settlement discussions going on behind the scenes. At this point with no criminal charges possible, all of the pressure seems to be pushing the case towards a monetary settlement regardless of what the lawyers say.”
There is a 100% chance that Jameis Winston is settling this civil case before it goes to trial.
Anyone who tells you anything else is an idiot. Winston’s going to be sued civilly and he’s not going to testify in his own defense — potentially opening himself up to criminal charges based on his testimony — and he’s not going to allow a civil trial to become a spectacle either.
So you’re exactly right. There are probably feverish negotiations taking place right now to try and get the case settled so the student conduct hearing never takes place. In the meantime, Winston and his attorneys are doing everything they can to push this student conduct hearing to after the season’s over so at least there is no substantial football impact from this case.
Settling the case makes too much sense for both parties. (By the way, the coverage over the accuser’s settlement demand was predictably stupid. Every single settlement demand from a plaintiff is a high number. Then it gets negotiated down. I think Jameis will end up paying $2.5-3 million to settle this case. We’ll never know the exact number because it will be sealed).
Randall A. writes:
I’m a Memphian & big Arkansas fan, so naturally I was in Fayetteville this weekend for the Arkansas-Alabama game. On my way back to Memphis earlier a guy who had Alabama plates & Bama stickers all over his SUV was at a gas station, and came up me explaining that he was out of gas and money. He was asking random strangers for money & gas so he could get back to Birmingham. I asked if he went to the game yesterday and he told me he did. I said “Don’t you think it’s probably a bad idea to travel across two states for a football game if you can’t actually afford to also get home?” He said “Well maybe, but Roll Tide!” This actually happened. I simply shook my head and told him I couldn’t help him. He was the true definition of an Alabama gump and certainly a member of the 85%.”
I would like to say that some part of this story surprises me, but it does not.
I totally expect for an Alabama fan to run out of gas trying to get back from a road game. I also expect him to ask other people for money and when they decline for him to say Roll Tide in response. I’d love to know what this guy spent his last disposable income on. It had to be Bama gear, right? Had to be.
Also, think about the universe this guy lives in that he doesn’t even have credit cards. Let’s leave actual cash aside — I hardly ever have actual cash on me these days. The only reason your average person would need cash these days is for illegal drugs/sex or babysitters. That’s it. (Every parent has scrambled for cash to pay a babysitter upon realizing they don’t have any. This is seriously the only time I ever realize I don’t have cash.)
They will literally give credit cards to anyone, except Bama fans, who get credit cards and then immediately max them out at Wal Mart on Got 15 tshirts.
Related: I encourage you to continue to say “Roll Tide,” any time you find yourself doing something stupid in your everyday life.
One of the FSU morons that you retweeted had “National Championship Game Attendee” on his twitter profile. Is this the lamest thing one can put on their twitter profile? Granted, this is more discrete than if he had just put “Virgin” but goodness what an incredible person. Other options he may have considered were “Adult Jersey Wearer,” “Pornhub Aficionado” or perhaps “Collector of WWE Merch.”
I agree with everything you’ve written here except, who isn’t a pornhub aficionado?
I wish we could buy stock in porn stars, like a New York Stock exchange of porn. Because if we could I’d buy porn stock in former Miss Colorado Kristy Althaus. She’s like the Bryce Harper of porn, a can’t miss prospect.
If his happened, how long would it be until porn would have its own Mel Kiper breaking down film? Furthermore, is it possible that porn’s own Mel Kiper could be Mel Kiper? He definitely seems like the kind of guy who would know Jenna Jameson’s career arc.
Kiper: “Jenna proved she had loose hips in Nympho Housewives 64. There were questions about her ski poling ability, but I watched her in Dirty Bob’s Xcellent Adventures 37 and she wiped away those concerns. She’s a clear first rounder with hall of fame potential.”
Alicia P. writes:
Ebola. Thoughts? Concerns? Do people realize that they are more likely to get a cold or the flu or a stomach virus as opposed to this? Should we use this (or hope) that this is a way to wipe out the Alabama fan base? There’s now an Ebola Czar. Would you be willing to do this job? If so, for what price?”
I would be a bad Ebola Czar because I’m too honest. I’d stand up and say, “The flu can kill 50,000 Americans a year and no one even gets flu shots. Nearly forty thousand of us die in car crashes and half of still don’t wear seatbelts. Ebola has killed one person and the country is close to coming undone.
Americans are really stupid.”
Then I would get fired as Ebola Czar.
We are in the golden age of “Crafting.” Hobby Lobby loves my wife. She spends her free time on pinterest, painting, making little decorations out of mason jars, and doing other crap. Its great. She has a hobby and I support it. There is a problem though.
She sucks at it.
All these little projects of hers were confined to the extra bedroom in our apartment but now she wants to expand this into our living room and kitchen. I don’t know what to tell her and I have a terrible poker face. On the one hand, let her do it, keep my mouth shut and all is well. On the other, I want to save her the embarrassment for when friends/family come over and she’s showing off these homemade “works of art.” Any advice on alternatives I can present to her? The counsel of a gay Muslim such as yourself would be greatly appreciated.”
I think you’re screwed here. There’s no way to win this argument and have your wife continue to sleep with you. Give up the living room and kitchen. To be honest, once you got married you gave up the living room and kitchen. Every married man does. Once you guys have kids you’ll give up even less of your free space. Eventually you’ll have one chair that you’re comfortable sitting in and you will spend 90% of your free time sitting there. This is the natural arc of male life.
When our civilization ceases to exist and an ancient species undertakes archaelogical study to understand why our civilization collapsed, I feel like Hobby Lobby is going to the be the subject of a ton of alien literature.
A.D. 10546 a remote star system, alien thesis:
“And then the richest humans decided to start making decorative jars and pots in their free time. They then posted these pictures online and competed to see who could be the best at creating useless trinkets. While they were all worried about Ebola, they failed to realize that the most dangerous contagion of all was stupidity, which transmitted itself rapidly in a social media age.”
“Alright Clay, I’m in quite the conundrum here. I’m in my mid-20s and live with my girlfriend in a relatively large city. About a month ago it came to my attention that my ex from college moved in on the same GD street that I live on, five houses down. (2 million people in the metro area, what are the odds? Really?) I found this out via Facebook message from her. Not a big deal to most people except my girlfriend’s only flaw that I have found to date is she is insanely jealous of other women, especially ones who have had my dick inside of them.
We rent the current house we live in and have about a year and a half left on our lease so the odds of running into her with my girlfriend are quite high as you might expect. My question is this, should I tell my girlfriend about it now and risk persecution after every argument or fight for the next 18 months? Or, let it ride and see if I can pull a Houdini and hope they never meet? My fate depends on you.”
You pull your girlfriend aside and say these exact words, “You’re not going to believe this, but this crazy ass bitch I used to date in college moved into our neighborhood. Do you think she might be stalking me? I broke up with her because she was so crazy and a little bit scary. I’m probably overreacting, right?”
Say these exact words and you’re home free. Of course you can never be friends with your ex again, but you shouldn’t be friends with your ex if she lives five doors down from you anyway.
I just bought a house a few doors down from where Bear Bryant lived when he was UK’s coach. About 25 years ago the owner of Bear’s former abode remodeled the original bathroom and set the toilet outside advertising it as Bear’s toilet for sale $10. A guy finally drove by and gave him $5 so he could give it to a buddy who was an Auburn fan.
Here’s my question; in this world of eBay and with the power to promote on social media how much do you think he could get for it now? I think the 85% would go nuts to own the Bear’s throne. I mean it’s where he spent his most private moments. Perhaps it was sitting there early one morning that he decided he was never going to be accepted like Adolph Rupp and it was time to leave town. I think watching the bids on eBay would be all kinds of entertaining.
Please keep me anonymous. I don’t want any of the 85% tracking me down asking if I can find out who has it.”
You think this hasn’t already happened?
What do you think the Bama fan who didn’t have money to get back to Alabama spent his last dollars on? Bear Bryant’s toilet.
It’s on the ceiling above his head so he can think about Bear Bryant. It’s more effective than Viagra for Bama fans — why do you think they sell those houndstooth panties?
My wife and I bought our first house this year. We are in our 20’s with no children. Halloween candy seems to get more and more expensive each year, and it’s not exactly in the budget to buy the stuff for random kids who we just don’t care about. I know my wife will make us do something and money will be spent. With that being the case, can I just set out candy corn this year and build a reputation among the spoiled kids of today? I figure if I can get away with this a couple of years in a row, no one will bother us in the future. We don’t plan to raise children in this house so I don’t think it will burn me down the road.”
If you can’t afford $20 for Halloween candy, you need to move to a new neighborhood. And all the housing there needs to be subsidized.
Halloween is, however, on a Friday night this year. If you’re in your 20’s you’ll probably be at a party somewhere instead of passing out candy at home. (Which means you’ll have spent at least $200 on costumes, or ten times what Halloween candy costs. The money you guys spent on your wife’s slutty Big Bird costume will pay off big time when you get home and she rides you dressed up as slutty Big Bird. But that’s in the future. None of this will happen if you don’t leave out Halloween candy for the kids.)
Leave out candy for the kids.
The good kind, not the bad kind.
Sure, the Jameis Winston of your block will come by and steal all the candy from the bowl — any doubt Winston did this? — leaving none for the other kids, but it’s the thought that counts.
Buy good candy, cheapskate.
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