It’s mailbag time.
Which means it’s time for those of you who haven’t met Alexandra Daddario to finally meet her.
She’s been starring in something called Percy Jackson, but she’s now famous for her sex scene with Woody Harrelson in HBO’s “True Detective.”
This is the second-greatest nude scene in HBO series history. (Number one on the list is still the “Game of Thrones,” girl on girl in the whorehouse scene).
She’s our beaver pelt trader of the week.
God bless her.
On to the mailbag.
“Imagine you receive a phone call tomorrow and on the other end of the call is none other than North Korea’s Kim Jong-un. He explains that not only is he an NBA fan (as we’ve all learned from his hosting of Dennis Rodman), but he’s also a huge fan of American football. He further explains that he’s taken a particular liking to SEC football, has enjoyed reading your opinions/analysis, and he also found your books quite amazing. Due to Rodman being in rehab, he wants you to become the new U.S. goodwill ambassador to his misunderstood country and he’s interested in hosting you for a week. Also, despite internet access being strictly controlled by the government, he will allow Outkick to be accessed by all North Koreans. Not only will he allow it, he’ll intensely demand that his people read it regularly. Being an individual who often sees the big picture when others do not, you carefully weigh the professional and personal pros/cons to the situation.
So my question to you Clay is… if personally invited by Kim Jung-un as his special guest, would you visit North Korea?”
I would 100% visit North Korea.
I can’t even imagine what going out with North Korean leaders would be like. What do they do for fun? I bet it’s incredibly weird stuff. Like Joffrey in Game of Thrones level weird. I definitely picture Kim Jong-Un shooting one woman over his head with a cross bow while another girl reverse cowgirls him and a third girl paints his testicles with a kid’s paint by numbers paintbrush.
But this also raises an interesting question, who is the most unexpected person to ever visit Outkick? How about regular readers who are famous and not connected to sports at all? Do we have any? (I know we have lots of sports-famous readers, but who’s the most famous person to ever read Outkick? I’d love to know this.)
Anyway, I’d be honored if Kim Jong-Un was a huge fan of Outkick.
“With Valentines Day approaching let’s be honest all I want is a good dinner and sex. I have a standing reservation at the local Ruth’s Chris for Feb 14th. They even send me an email reminder. I have already started looking for gift ideas so I don’t screw this portion of the day up. Is it ok to get her a gift that is really for me? Specifically a Brazilian wax. I would also get her a massage while she is at the spa so it would not be considered a total dick move. All of my friends read and my wife does on occasion so please keep my name off.”
I think you definitely have to do the massage as well. Otherwise, what you’re basically saying is, “Honey, for Valentine’s I got your pubic hair removed and bought you a steak!”
Nothing says romance like no pubic hair and a steak, right, ladies?
Having said that, I will reiterate all married men’s actual wish for Valentine’s — sex.
It’s all we want.
Don’t make this complicated.
The weakest part of any televised college football game is the moment when the networks give 30 seconds of their expensive ad time to the Dean of Admissions of each of the schools. Being a college administrator obviously doesn’t mean you have the skillset to produce an adequate commercial to encourage applications to your university, as evidenced by how dreadfully awful these spots are.
The required template seems to be 1) include a shot of great research being done at the medical school, 2) a shot of great lab experiments going on in the fields of genetics, computer science, or alternate energy, 3) a shot to demonstrate what a diverse student population you have, 4) and a passing nod to the athletic department.
My question is: If you were dean of admissions at an SEC school, how courageous would it be to totally focus your ad on 1) the party atmosphere, 2) the attractiveness of your co-eds 3) the game day experience 4) greek life and other fun aspects of college? 95% of undergrads will never do any published research and most of us don’t care about medical research in our college search. We just want to have a good time, graduate, find a good job, and live our lives. I think this idea would blow up the application process. Your thoughts?”
It’s a good question.
What if you just put on Song Number 2 from Blur — the Woo-hoo song — and the entire commercial was just one big drunken party? The faculty probably wouldn’t be that happy, but are you really telling me that, say, Central Florida exists because of the work being done by the anthropology department? What is Central Florida discovering in its science labs? A new cure for herpes?
If Central Florida had run an ad like this during the Fiesta Bowl, it would have gone viral and applications would have soared.
Imagine if it had ended with Blake Bortles’s girlfriend in a bikini on a lake and she pointed at you and said, “Let’s party.” (You could run your own ads for women during “The Bachelor.” It would say something like, “Do you like to dance with your girlfriends, go shopping on campus, and drink while you watch reality television? Well, have we got the school for you?”
There’s a whole list of schools we can all think of that seem to exist just to have a party — like Arizona State. Who is Arizona State fooling by pretending they’re an actual university? Do they even have books there? Just go all in on the party atsmosphere and sell it.
I’ve even thought about this before — what if a struggling college started giving scholarships to women based on their attractiveness and charged men double tuition to go there? It would be a huge controversy — and all the 1960’s era feminists out there would be outraged — but don’t you think the applications would soar? Women would apply for a free college education and lots of men would apply to go to a school with the hottest women on earth.
“My 6-year old son asked me last night if Isaac Newton was Cam Newton’s great-great-great-great-great grandfather.
I said no and that many people have same last names but aren’t related…but if they were, this would really be a spectacular historical figure / great athlete pairing.
What other similar pairings would be fantastic?”
First, that’s incredibly cute, second there aren’t actually that many overlaps that I can think of. I mean, you could go with Bo Jackson or Reggie Jackson and Andrew Jackson, it’s pretty funny to think of those two hanging out and telling stories.
I’ve been trying to think of someone funny to pair with OJ Simpson, but the best I can come up with is Wallis Simpson, the American who got the King of England to give up the throne. That’s not bad.
Randy Johnson and Andrew Johnson would be an interesting pair.
What famous pairings am I missing here?
Andrew B. writes:
“Care to comment on Jacob Coker’s perfect Bama Bangs? Was he genetically engineered to be Bama qb?”
I don’t even think they checked his transcript at Alabama, I think he just send in a headshot.
Nick Saban had to be kicking himself for ever letting this guy’s hair get away in the first place.
I picture Saban walking into the Bama recruiting office with an 8 by 10 in his hand, knocking over a table filled with Botox injections and screaming, “Who the f— let this guy get out of Alabama? Have you seen these god—- bangs? He’s a walking national title. I hate all of you. Now leave while I get botoxed.”
Jeremy R. writes:
“If it wanted to, could the U.S. pull off a Nick Brody type assassination mission into North Korea using Dennis Rodman as our ill-fated hero?”
I love that we got two North Korea questions this week.
Yes, I think we could. You have to assume that North Korea gives Rodman some kind of once-over before he meets Kim Jong-Un — if they don’t this is even easier, but you have to assume it. So we’d have to design some kind of easily-hidden assassination device. Which I’m pretty sure we have. So, yeah, Rodman would clearly get killed too, but we could definitely kill Kim Jong-Un.
Of course, we’d have to rely on Rodman to correctly pull off the execution, which probably means we’d have to send Michael Jordan with him to ensure that he followed through and didn’t bungle it and end up killing Carmen Electra instead during their inevitable bathroom in the private plane sex before Rodman left for North Korea.
Phillip S. writes:
“I know you have analyzed humans vs. animals before. Some of my friends and I have had an ongoing argument/discussion (with great fun) about whether one of us could kill a wolf in a no weapons, only one can survive type of situation. All of us are 25-28, good shape, average size. I think it is absolutely ridiculous to think anyone could beat a wolf in this situation. Surprisingly, I am outnumbered about 5-2. (The friend on my side is the only one who has actually lived/worked in Idaho for a season and been around a wolf’s environment and heard stories). One guy said he would “just stomp on its leg and its over.” Everything a wolf does every day of its life is a struggle for survival. Humans have no way to kill anything other than blunt blows and strangulation. What are your thoughts?
If you are looking for fun, Google “wolf size in Idaho.” They have 170 pound + beasts roaming the wild up there. No chance.”
Basically what you guys are debating is the Liam Neeson movie, “The Grey,” which is a fabulous film. It also had the best trailer ever. You show me Liam Neeson putting broken liquor bottles onto his fingers to fight a wolf and I am going to see that movie.
Your friend who thinks he would stomp on its leg and end the fight, is a total idiot.
Does he know how fast a wolf is?
I think in order to kill a single wolf you’d have to take off all your clothes and wrap them on your forearms. Then when the wolf attacks you have to absorb the wolf with your arms and somehow pin it down. The wolf would be flailing like crazy and you’d get all torn up, but if you had enough clothes on your arms, I think you might be able to then use your feet and arms to kick it as many times as you could in the rib area. You could also attempt to break his legs, which might hinder the wolf enough to allow you to win a drawn out battle.
It seems to me that choking a full-size wolf to death would almost be impossible. I just don’t think you could pin the wolf down long enough. And I don’t think you’re very likely to kill the wolf by punching him in the head unless you’re a highly trained boxer or something. (Although I’d love to see Floyd Mayweather try and box a wolf. Do you think he could land a knockout blow? What if we muzzled the wolf and just had Mayweather chase the wolf around the ring and try to hit him? I would watch that fight. Secondary thought, everyone is waiting for Mayweather to fight Pacquiao, what if he held a press conference and said, “I am going to fight a real life wolf, no holds barred.” How much money would that raise in pay-per-view if they fought in a steel cage? Who wouldn’t watch Floyd Mayweather fight a wolf?)
Anyway, I think the average man would have a limited chance of actually killing the wolf. Whereas I think a wolf that was willing to fight to the death would be able to kill the average man.
So I’m going wolf here about 80% of the time.
Will N. writes:
“It seems like every year the recruiting stories get crazier and crazier. What’s the craziest signing day scenario you can come up with? Will someone eventually bring out a live elephant to announce his commitment to Alabama?”
Here’s what I wish would happen, I wish for one year we could buy the recruits.
Recruits could start websites and put up different meters representing how much money all the finalists were willing to pay. You could donate to get your favorite team the best players. What would a five star sell for on the open market? I have no idea. But I know that there are people out there in Alabama’s fan base who make $15,000 a year that would go into maximum credit card debt to help sign a five star. In fact, this scenario would probably bankrupt the state of Alabama.
This would be great game theory too, because what if you got your money all refunded if the recruit didn’t sign with you? How high do you drive up the cost for your rivals, knowing that if you bid too much for one recruit, you lose all those resources and your rival can redeploy his cash on other players?
Suddenly SEC football fans who happen to be Goldman Sachs traders — yes, they exist — are in high demand.
Can you imagine these financial geniuses trying to explain to SEC fan bases how to make the most strategic decisions? This would be a great question and answer session. “So you’re telling me to let Auburn win this one?”
Paul Z. writes:
So here’s the situation: my buddies and I have been in a fantasy football league since 2003, so ten years running. In 2007, one of our members was forced out because he didn’t get a belly button ring as punishment for last place. We were left with 11 members and in need of an even 12 to continue the league. Our commissioner, at the time, invited his girlfriend to the league and promised that things wouldn’t change. Well they did. Canoodling during the draft, unset lineups during the season, and zero trash talking on the message boards. Additionally, our normally NC-17 chatter was downgraded to PG-13 due to her sensitive little ears. After the season, we kicked her out of the league, demoted the commissioner for abuse of power, and added a more volatile and verbally abusive friend to join our league with a promise to bring us back to our unabashedly crude humor. The whole incident was dubbed the “Sally incident of 2007”, and we have since never had a problem…..until today.
Now my girlfriend has been badgering me for 2 years to join our fantasy football league. I have cited precedent (Sally rule 2007), that girls ruined our league before and we have no reason to believe why her joining would be any different. She points out that most of the guys in the league consider her a “bro” and that her sailor mouth and general knowledge of the game should make her a hybrid case and that precedent doesn’t apply. She also points out that if she joins, she is much more inclined to join me yelling at the tv for 7 hours on Sunday in addition to the 7+ on Saturday (raging SEC fans) that we currently enjoy.
So two questions: What is the statute of limitations for the Sally rule of 2007 ruling, and do you think it’s a good idea to let her in the league? I lean towards maintaining the status quo, but her buying NFL Redzone could be too good to pass up.
The 2006 champ”
Here’s the problem, what if you guys break up? Fantasy football is your refuge, right? It’s where you go to escape from reality. What if your girlfriend dumps you and you can’t even escape her when you play fantasy football? I’m not opposed to girls in fantasy football leagues — although despite what the most bro-ingest of bro-ingest women alive believe, the mere presence of women alters the biochemistry of an all male group — but I am opposed when the leagues a refuge from real life.
Given the parameters you’ve established — excessive trash talk, likely questionable and crude humor that would get you all fired if it became public — I’d be inclined to stay all male with the league.
I don’t know women well enough to know if, say, a straight man joining an 11 member women’s reading group would change things a great deal, but I do know that a single woman, no matter how cool, joining an 11 man fantasy league changes things for men.
So I’d stick with the all male league.
“Clay, I would like to remain anonymous.
I’m currently 23 years old. About 6 months ago, my girlfriend and I, who had been dating for 3 years, had a terrible break up. Shortly after hearing about the break up, my roommates began to start telling me how she was such a “witch” (for lack of better words). They went on and on how she was awful and how I am so much better off not seeing her. It got to the point to where one of them said he would punch me in the face if I ever got back with her.
Fast forward 6 months and things are starting to progress again with my ex. I am scared to bring her around my house with my roommates home for fear of what they will say to her and also the amount of flack I will receive. Is it possible she is really that big of a “witch” and that I am downplaying it because I find her attractive? Could I ever bring her around the house or should I just wait until I graduate college and move (this coming May)? Or should I cut my losses and realize that I am only 23 with a lot more to live for?
For the record, my roommates aren’t the only ones who applauded the break up, it seems to be the trend of anyone who found out.”
Let’s just start here: “Is it possible she is really that big of a “witch” and that I am downplaying it because I find her attractive?”
Yes, 100 billion percent, yes you’re doing this. I’m convinced 98% of men would date Kate Upton even if she was a vampire. Why? Because she’s just that attractive.
Here’s the only question you need to answer: do your friends typically give you good advice and have your best interests at heart or did they trash the girl because you guys broke up and they were trying to keep your confidence up?
Assuming it’s not the latter, move on.
“What’s the proper etiquette for giving gifts of cannabis-infused gourmet foods and liquors to colleagues and superiors at work now that we have legalization here in Seattle?
I’d assume it’s in the same vein as giving gifts of alcohol right?”
You’d assume wrong.
Edible panties are legal, are you giving them to your female boss too?
“Me and my buddies go through the same conundrum you’ve mentioned before while watching Sunday night dramas on hbo/showtime. My wife gets pissed when I react to the disclaimers at the beginning of the show that mention nudity, strong sexual content, etc. Is there a course of action you advise? I like the shows for the shows themselves, but the extracurriculars are definitely a bonus. Any advice?”
How has your wife not realized that given the choice between seeing naked women and not seeing naked women, you’re going to choose seeing naked women?
That’s really all your reaction reflects.
I’ve written previously that I react by saying, “Yes,” and accompanying it with a subtle fist pump each time this happens. My wife just rolls her eyes. I suspect this is how most women react.
(By the way, if you aren’t watching “True Detective,” Alexandra Daddario’s scene in episode two is worth watching the entire series.)
Chris R. writes:
“After reading last week’s mailbag, you mentioned that as a man gets older he wished he would’ve hooked up with some of the girls he passed up, this is totally true. I reflect on several situations in the past and tell myself I was a complete idiot for passing up a hookup on several occasions.
As a guy in his late 30’s and about a year single, I’ve noticed that my values have completely changed with women. I don’t care about most things anymore, such as cooking, and being a possible great mother. Now I just want her to be a freak in the sack, and want to do it all the time, while not being crazy. Is this to much to ask? Or am I looking for a complete rebound?
Are these feelings that I held back when I was younger? As we get older are we just more self aware? Also, is this the same with all older guys, such as your uncle or grandfather that tells all the dirty jokes? <--- I know sick thought.
Please enlighten me.”
I suspect that every divorced man or woman dives back into the single scene with all illusions removed. When you’ve never been married before, you’re dating with the idea that you are looking for your life partner. So you’re focused on all sorts of factors that you think will lead to a happy life-long marriage. Once you’ve been divorced you’re probably focused on just satisfying one search criteria, at least initially. For men, that’s often sex. For women, it can probably be a lot of things, frequently, probably, whatever your former spouse was lacking at the most.
I suspect the drive for one thing eventually mellows out and you end up looking for another partner while weighing all the factors, but I’ve been married ten years, what do I know?