All That and a Bag of Mail: Bob Stoops Is Mad Edition

It's Friday, the mailbag is here and it's been a pretty wild week considering that no actual sports news is happening. Our beaver pelt trader of the week goes out to the lawsuit filed in Alabama over a penis amputation.An Alabama man alleges he went in for a circumcision and left without a penis. Meanwhile, the defendant in the lawsuit has responded that his penis wasn't amputated. This is going to be the greatest discovery ever.

Can they get a penis mediator to come in and just say, "Okay, let me see it."

Bang, the lawsuit's either bogus or we move to the damages stage.

Roll Tide. 

On to the mailbag: 

Gavin writes:

"What are your thoughts on Bob Stoops reacting to Nick Saban calling their Sugar Bowl a consolation game and him continuing to attack the SEC?"

Bob Stoops is obsessed with the SEC because Texas A&M joining the SEC has hit the Oklahoma program harder than any program not named Texas. 

I mean, let's be honest, where does Oklahoma get tons of its recruits from? Texas, right? It used to be that Oklahoma had to primarily compete with Texas for top players in the state.  But the Sooners could win a ton of those recruiting battles. After all, Texas and Oklahoma are the premier programs in the Big 12. Plus, Stoops has outperformed Texas on the field. So he did fine in recruiting. Then, suddenly, A&M joins the SEC and has a new recruiting pitch to make, stay in Texas and play in the best conference in football. A&M can offer something Oklahoma can't match. So how does Stoops combat that advantage and get players in Texas to leave the state and play for him in an inferior conference? That's a tough sale, right? Stoops's only position is arguing that the SEC is overrated.

That's why he's been so vociferous in making his anti-SEC arguments, because the Aggies now have a better product to sell than Oklahoma.  

Rett writes:

"Clay,

Do you have any advice for those of us taking the bar exam next week?"

Yes, sleep. My advice for just about any major life issue is -- sleep. I'm not even kidding about this, I think a ton of our mental health issues are rooted in the fact that we get much less sleep than we used to throughout human history. If you can get a good night's sleep the world is infinitely better. I know it's cool now to claim that you never sleep -- and there are a small percentage of people who just don't need as much sleep as the rest of us, lucky bastards -- but just about everyone else needs around eight hours of sleep. 

So sleep. 

I took the bar exam a decade ago and I know how stressful it is. You've put in your time studying by now. If you don't know it by now, you're probably not going to learn it, so you might as well get your rest and be fresh. Good luck.  

Chuck writes:

"My wife is planning my son's third birthday party. At what point did birthday parties transform from cake and ice cream on paper plates to theme parties with coordinated decorations, food items and invitations? I will be spending a small fortune on a party that my three year old will not remember. To make my point to my wife, I asked my seven year old son if he remembers his third birthday party (train party with about 30 kids, train decorations everywhere and TRAIN RIDES around the neighborhood for three hours). His reply was a quick "No." I feel like these birthday parties are just mommy competition on who can be the best party planner.

How do we put a stop to this madness?"

You're exactly right about the absurd growth of young kid birthday parties and I have no idea how to stop it. It's insufferable. My best idea would be to limit the number of kids at parties. Why does a three year old need thirty kids at his party? He or she doesn't, parents are doling out birthday invites because they want the parents of the kids there. No three year old has thirty friends. The fewer kids you have the less a production it needs to be. Which means the kids can have fun without needing lots of bells and whistles. It's like Christmas when you have young kids, you buy them a ton of expensive presents and the things they love the most are the boxes and the wrapping paper. The kids won't even remember that each other were there.

Aside from familial invitation obligations, why does any kid's birthday party need to have more than ten other kids? Hell, ten is way too many. I don't know how teachers do it. Every time I spend more than twenty minutes around 15 or more three year olds I want to jump off a bridge.The other night I turned to my wife -- after a particularly difficult night with our six year old -- and I said, "You know, we've only got 12 more years until he leaves for college." Which made me realize that being a parent is a little bit like doing time in prison.

When our first son was born I was thinking, "He's going to start college when I'm 46, I won't be that old." Now we're having another baby this September and I realized he won't finish high school until 2033.

2033!

F--- me.  

Tim A. writes:

"Would the SEC accept Texas now if Texas applied for membership? What could they bring that the SEC does not already have? Would/could A&M or Arkansas veto their application?"

Florida, South Carolina, Kentucky, and Georgia have an unwritten agreement to oppose Florida State, Clemson, Louisville, or Georgia Tech ever being introduced into the SEC. It's designed to ensure SEC exclusivity in state for all of these schools. I don't know this for a fact, but my best guess is that Texas A&M has joined these four schools in that pact. This would mean five SEC schools are united to oppose Texas ever being allowed in the SEC. That's enough to prevent it from ever happening. 

Again, I don't know that for a fact, but I have zero idea why A&M would ever permit Texas to enter the SEC. The Aggies have a tremendous advantage as the only program in the state of Texas. So I don't think it will ever happen. There are only three states that I think make sense for SEC expansion at this point -- North Carolina, Virginia, and Oklahoma. Given that Oklahoma and Oklahoma State are paired together, I don't think the SEC would ever add both. Which is why I've been predicting for years that eventually the SEC will add teams in North Carolina and Virginia. 

Anonymous writes:

"I'm currently at Disney World with my wife's entire family, all 15 kids and adults. This entire week has been hellish. Question is Disney the worst for giant family vacations? It is tolerable with my family but adding in extended family makes this place is the worst. Everyone is selfish their kid has to see certain characters or get on that ride or they will go bananas. Don't even get me started on the line waits. Trust me it's not fun with your overweight in laws listening to them complain about heat sweat and the fact that they are constantly hungry, but food is so expensive. Did they not know this beforehand when they suggested vacation in July at Disney World? One take away is that Disney is enjoyable for people watching and learning how not to treat your body with food. I feel like I could get diabetes just by looking at some people. Please don't use my name as I am still here and it's possible there is another OKTC reader in the group. Stay gay and muslim."

Disney World in July with 15 family members sounds like total hell. Disney World with just your kids is tough, but adding in other people's kids is a disaster. Not to mention I don't understand why anyone from the South wants to go to Florida in the summer. Oh, great, it's sweaty as balls at home, let's go somewhere where it's sweaty as balls with sand and long lines to meet Anna and Elsa and get their "autographs." No, thank you.

I'm not opposed to Disney World, I just think you have to do it when you don't die of heat stroke in line for Space Mountain. And only with your kids. Honestly, you know what hell is? Other people's children. My parents took us to Disney World just about every year and we stayed in a pop up camper with no bathroom and no refrigerator and no air conditioner. We stayed at Fort Wilderness for like $8 a night. Now that I have kids, I have no idea how my parents pulled this off. Sometimes we would go for two weeks in that pop-up camper. We showered in the bathhouse and spent all day on the go. Every morning I woke up at dawn and said, "Sun's up, time to get up."

To their credit, however, they would just take us out of school in early May and we'd leave for vacation before school let out. Now if you do this the school gives you a huge guilt trip, but my parents were so terrified of crowds at Disney World that they just said screw it. It was pretty much genius. Except I never learned phonetics. My six year old is learning phonetics now and I have no idea what he's doing. I told my wife the other day, "I think I was at Disney World when we learned phonetics." 

 Eli writes:

"Clay,

The other day I went to Pizza Hut and picked up a pizza order for carryout and while I was waiting for the pizza to be brought to me, I paid and did not leave a tip. The cashier at that pizza hut, saw my receipt and gave me a disgusted look for not tipping.

Was that wrong of me? I feel like if you go and pick up an order at the restaurant you should not have to tip, but if it is delivered to you, then you should be required to tip. I also feel like if you tip for getting carryout, then you should have to tip a McDonald's worker as well because they are doing the same if not more work for getting you food to you faster.

Is there a set standard of rules? You're a gay, liberal, muslim, so I'm sure that you've had some sort of problem with tipping. Can you lay out the"Outkick guide to tipping"?

I overtip for everything because when you do radio every single waiter listens to sports talk radio. I'm not kidding, like every single one. If you ever hear, "Clay Travis stiffed me on a tip,' it's a total lie. I always overtip. Every thing else you hear about me is probably accurate. 

Having said that, you're in the right here, why should you tip when you have to pick up the pizza yourself? My rule is this, if they walk it out to my car, they get a tip. If I go in to get it, no tip. It's an easy rule. So, for instance, Sonic carhops would get a tip, but McDonald's people wouldn't. You were in the right on not tipping for the pizza.  

Also, I need you guys to help me on this, do you tip in hotel rooms? I never have, but the other day someone told me you're supposed to tip the maid in hotel rooms? Since when?

Al writes:

"Clay,

I am 22 y/o recent college grad, and I have been playing on a slow pitch softball team with some college buddies this summer. We have a fairly good team, but have one little crutch: one of the guys on our team never played ball growing up and has been costing us some games. I know it's just beer league, but many of the guys on our team, including myself, are frustrated with his lack of skill and knowledge of the game. My question for you is at what age can you no longer kick friends off of recreational sports teams?"

Is it possible to make someone a designated hitter in your league? You can, right? I'd add a better defender and pull your buddy out of the field -- thereby limiting his errors -- and just let him hit. I mean, how bad can you be at hitting in slow pitch softball?

Having said that, I actually think you'll find that the older you get, the easier it is to kick him off the team. Right now you're 22, softball is just something fun you guys do. You probably still get to do dozens of fun things. By the time you get married and have kids if you keep playing softball, you'll end up on a team with co-workers and the guys in their 30's and 40's and 50's will live for softball. It's like the only fun thing they get to do in their lives anymore. If you suck then, it's serious business. They'll cut your ass in a heartbeat.

There are partners making law firm hiring decisions based on softball talent.

Y'all think I'm joking.

I'm not.  

Clay please keep me anonymous :

"A friend of mine (who is a girl) has been dating a guy for the last year. My friend approached me last week saying that he has only kissed her one time during the entire year of their relationship. She asked me why a man would not kiss his girlfriend. She asked if that was normal to which I replied, "hell no." I am not against gay marriage or anyone's sexual orientation but it does seem very odd to me that a straight male would watch shows like pretty little liars while also never kissing his girlfriend that he has professed his love to.

My question to you is ; am I making this stuff up in my head that he could be gay? And is there any possible way to tell this to my friend without her getting defensive?

I need the feedback of a gay Muslim right wing democrat."

First, Pretty Little Liars is fabulous regardless of your sexual orientation. Second, I don't pretend to be an expert on straight men who date women for a year and only kiss them once -- although it sounds an awful lot like my high school years, minus the dating for a year part -- but this seems highly unlikely. If he's gay, he may be fighting it and trying to pretend he's straight because that's what he thinks he has to do. Particularly if he's in a conservative state, region, or city. That's awful. Put yourself in this perspective, think about how amazingly awkward and awful it would be if you had to pretend to be the opposite of your sexual orientation for any reason whatsoever. There are probably also gay people reading this right now who have been in this exact situation, dating someone that they had no interest in because they think it's the normal thing to do. That's why all the people who claim that gay people choose to be gay are so absurd. It's infinitely easier to be straight, particularly in rural, conservative towns. It's why so many gay people try to be straight first.  

The easy follow-up to the one kiss question is this, has she tried to initiate activity with him? If not, why not? This would give her a good indication of his interest, right? I mean, it's weird for her to date a guy for a year and only kiss him once too, right? At some point, oh, I don't know, after three or four months wouldn't you take matters into your own hand if you were a girl waiting for a guy to make a move? (Perhaps literally as well as figuratively). So I'd advise her to make her move to escalate the relationship or ask him why they don't ever kiss and see where it goes. She could also ask him straight up if he's gay and say she's not judging him. There are plenty of girls -- probably quite a few reading this right now -- who dated gay guys before those guys were willing to admit they were gay.  

A bigger issue here is, why do you care if she's only kissed her boyfriend one time in a year and why is she telling you this? I think you like her and she may well like you too. Good luck.