Okay, it’s mailbag time.
And I know none of y’all are working right now because it’s the Friday of the NCAA tournament. I still haven’t gotten to read through all the names in our Outkick bracket challenge, but by Monday I’ll announce a winner of that contest.
In the meantime, our beaver pelt trader of the week is Marshall Henderson, who is about to tip off against Wisconsin and entertain the hell out of us when we all should be working.
So without further ado, let’s dive into All That and a Bag of Mail.
Jack. K. writes:
How great would the final four be if Verne Lundquist did the play by play and Charles Barkley doing the color commentary?
Hands down this would be the greatest color commentary tandem ever. I honestly wish we had Barkley calling SEC football games. Can you imagine if he and Verne were responsible for #cbsdrink. Would anyone survive? What would Charles Barkley say when they flashed hot coeds on the screen? Could he get away with saying anything?
Barkley: “I’d like to see her ski-poling later tonight.”
Verne: “Ha. Ski-pole. Ha.”
Bryan H. writes:
“Is it safe to say that Jessica Biel has outkicked her coverage? If so, is she the hottest person ever to outkick her coverage? In your humble opinion, who are the hottest coverage outkickers?”
This is a great question that’s worthy of debate.
When both members of a couple are incredibly attractive you approach the pinnacle of hotness, at which point it is truly impossible for either member of a couple to outkick their coverage. The perfect example of the pinnacle of hotness is Tom Brady and Gisele. They are the most attractive couple on earth and they may also be the most accomplished couple on earth at their respective talents. Tom Brady is one of the best quarterbacks of all time and Gisele is one of the best supermodels of all time. Just about every woman on the planet would marry Tom Brady and just about every man on the planet would marry Gisele.
But neither individual has outkicked their coverage because it’s impossible for either to outkick their coverage.
They occupy the pinnacle of hotness.
I’ve previously written that Justin Timberlake is the most talented entertainer of his generation. Timberlake has actually outkicked the entertainment field. Jessica Biel is an actress with a spectacular ass. She hasn’t won an Oscar — or even been nominated for anything — her best role is — I have no idea. Go look at her filmography. There are a lot of bad movies on this list of films.
I’m not even sure that Jessica Biel is in the top one hundred most accomplished actresses in Hollywood right now.
While I find it impossible to say that anyone whose butt looks like this could ever outkick their coverage, I think Jessica Biel has.
How talented is Justin Timberlake? This ass outkicked its coverage.
Justin Timberlake is on a Tom Brady level and Jessica Biel is not on Gisele’s level. Now, imagine that Justin Timberlake married Jennifer Lawrence. Well, then, we might have to reasses our pinnacle of hotness debate. But for now it’s wortth noting that Jessica Biel has outkicked her coverage.
Bert N. writes:
“While discussing your article detailing american hero Andy Enfield head coach of the Florida Gulf Coast basketball team, it was pointed out that he may in fact be uglier than Opie Taylor. Pictures of Ron Howard (the man who played Opie) were Googled, and debate raged for minutes. While I have no problem with this hypothesis, I began to wonder: is it acceptable for men to decide which man is uglier in a comparison? Obviously men can tell generally if a man is ugly or attractive (Steve Buscemi is ugly, Kliff Kingsbury is not). But once we are splitting hairs between two men who are generally unattractive, at what point does it start to get a little weird? If a group of regular guys were sitting around debating Brad Pitt versus Matthew McConaughey, accusations of being a “Gay Muslim” would be thrown around. Is it acceptable to trash the looks of other men in debate, but not debate whether Derek Jeter or Tom Brady is more attractive? Up to what point can men rate the relative attractiveness or attractiveness of other men without being considered gay?”
Up to the point where you want to sleep with them.
Once you get to that point you’re gay.
I always think the guys who claim that they can’t tell whether another guy is good looking or not are the most likely to be gay. Because there’s always some guy who will be like, “I can’t even tell whether a guy is good looking or not.” This guy is attempting to prove that he’s an alpha-male, a superior heterosexual to the rest of us. This is when you need to call him on his lies. Just follow up that statement by saying, “Really, you can’t tell if Popeye Jones or Denzel Washington is better looking? You have no clue between Charlie Weis and Kliff Kingsbury? They look the exact same to you?”
The longer he argues that he can’t tell the difference the gayer he actually is.
As for your question, I’d draw the line when you start breaking down body parts. If you ever find yourself saying, “I really think Brad Pitt has better quads than Tom Brady, but I like Brady’s lats better than Brad Pitt’s.” Then you’ve probably taken things your analysis too far. It is acceptable, however, to debate which of two famous people is likely to have the larger penis.
The answer, by the way, is always LeBron James.
Katie K. writes:
“We all know you love reality television an you’ve written before about your chances of success on the Bachelorette. I personally think you’d be a great reality show character- you’d be loved by some, hated by others, and called a gay Muslim by Bama fans–so not too unlike your current gig.
Please rate your chances of success on the following reality competition shows (I’ll graciously leave out American Idol and the Voice because we’ve all heard you sing): Survivor, The Apprentice, The Amazing Race (pick your own partner), Big Brother, Real World/ Road Rules Challenge (pretend you’d been on one of them), and just for fun, recap your Bachelorette odds.”
Okay, here goes.
As a preliminary, I think I would be one of the best contestants ever at the confessional interviews. Like, I would crush these. There is no doubt in my mind that I would be a confessional all star.
Having said that, here’s my rankings of what reality shows I think I would be best on:
1. The Apprentice
I think Donald Trump would hire me for a couple of reasons a. most people competing on The Apprentice are either not that smart or incredibly difficult to get along with. I’m neither of these things. and b. I’m pretty creative under a time crunch. That’s like 95% of the show. So I think I could win this show.
2. Big Brother
I haven’t watched Big Brother in a long time, but 99% of the people on this show are complete and total idiots. I think I could outsmart them.
3. The Amazing Race
Do I get to choose my partner? Or do I have to be paired with my wife? Because if I’m paired with my wife we would lose really fast and there’s a decent chance we’d get divorced. It would be awful. We’ve been married almost nine years and had no major issues in actual life, but I think we’d be doomed if we went on this show together.
I just wouldn’t do it.
Now, if I got to pick my partner, I think there are a bunch of guys that I would make a pretty good team with.
If they made you go with your parents, my mom would refuse to compete, instead she would just do a 24 hour interview about how awesome I am.
So this is entirely based upon my partner selection.
I’m not really able to build anything, cook, or “survive” in the wild.
My only asset would be that I’d probably be fairly entertaining and I’d be able to get along with everyone.
But being on this show just seems miserable. After a couple of days of sleeping out in the scorching heat in the middle of nowhere, I’d start wondering why in the world I was doing this.
5. Real World/Road Rules Challenge
I’ve watched every one of these shows — they’re awesome — so I know lasting very long is predicated on your preexisting relationships before you enter the competition. Since I don’t know anyone, I would immediately be eliminated. Plus, some of those Duel challenges are brutal.
There’s no way I want to hang on to a stick and wrestle around on the ground with CT to see who can hold on to it longer.
Finally, I think all the guys on the competition are roiding. We had TJ Lavin on 3HL a while back and I asked him about drug testing and he just laughed. The guys are all in such ridiculous shape, they’re definitely roiding in advance of the competitions.
Hell, if I was going on the show I think I’d roid up too.
6. The Real Housewives of Nashville
Yes, I watch all of these shows.
There’s no way I’d let my family go on this show.
But I would love to be on by myself as a gay Muslim friend of one of the ladies on the show.
Jay S. writes:
“After seeing all the hype that Katherine Webb gets and she is now a celebrity thanks to Musberger and Twitter/OKTC. What do you think the celebrity status of Sarah Savage will be if she stays with Manziel through the end of college/when he enters the NFL and she graduates? As famous as Webb? Or not as much?”
You have to give Katherine Webb credit for being fairly smart. That is, she’s made pretty smart strategic decisions that have served to broaden her fame without making her overexposed. Would Savage make smart decisions like this or would she leap at the first opportunity she got and take the money to appear in Playboy?
Assuming she made smart decisions, I think she’d end up more famous than Webb because she’s better looking and her boyfriend is more famous.
If CBS puts her on screen during the Bama-A&M game, all bets are off.
She’ll be a bona fide superstar.
Travis R. writes:
“If you have a very unique pooping experience, whether it be abnormal size or makes a funny shape, is it acceptable to take a picture and send it to your male friends? I’m not going to lie, I have a rooting interest so please pick the correct side of this argument.”
The answer is yes.
But, admittedly, this is a controversial decision. And you can only send poop photos to people that know you might send them a poop photo.
We had this debate in college in a pre-cell phone camera era.
We would occasionally not flush if we had a massive poop. That’s because we had a massive poop contest going for a couple of years. We wanted others to see the poop. Certainly, if we’d had cameras on our cell phones then taking a picture of the poo would have been permissible. (My friend Shaw refused to participate in the contest on the grounds that he found this to be disgusting). We even had a performance enhancing drugs scandal when we returned from spring break in Cancun and I’d gotten Montezuma’s Revenge and loaded up on Immodium AD to avoid dying of diarrhea in Mexico. Upon my return to the states, I then produced the largest poo of my life.
It was a sight to behold.
I wouldn’t flush until there were witnesses to observe it, but then we got into a huge debate about whether I was juicing. i.e., did the Immodium AD invalidate my record?
Had I drugged? After much discussion, we decided that I had. I was crushed.
So, yes, you can send your pictures.
Craig L. writes:
Nothing is more frustrating than driving 55 miles per hour in a 65 in the left lane. This is a problem everywhere but I’ve never had as much of a problem than this week when I drove my family from St. Louis to Charleston for spring break. Knoxville left lane drivers were the worst at refusing to move over. They wouldn’t get out of my way, even when I flashed my headlights. I don’t mind that people drive as fast as they want, I just don’t like it when they infringe on the people that want to drive fast. Why is this rule so hard to follow? Is it even a rule in the south?”
I agree with you.
I think people who drive slow in the left lane should be pulled over. They’re the real hazard on the interstates, not the speeders.
Here’s the deal, speeding is not dangerous on the interstate. You know what’s dangerous? Changing lanes on the interstate. And who leads to more lane changes than left lane slow pokes?
I hate these people.
If someone passes you on the right side, you should be shamed for life. Get the hell over. God forbid an entire series of cars passes you on the right. How are there people who don’t know this rule?
“So I know the topic of hottest television mom has been written about several times in your mailbag, but no one has ever mentioned Norma Arnold from the Wonder Years. Until Tami Taylor came along – I always placed good ole Norma at the head of this great debate. Am I alone in this? Or is Tami just so perfect that she blinds us to all others? I mean there was a reason that Paul always came over to Kevin’s house right?
Also did Jack Arnold outkick his coverage?”
Norma Arnold was sneaky hot. I feel the same way about Claire Huxtable. In fact, we’ve talked about this before, but should we finally do it in honor of March Madness and have a hot TV mom bracket challenge? Clearly Tami Taylor is the one seed — she’s like 1991 UNLV, the team that didn’t lose a game coming into the tournament. But who else needs to be on this list? I mean Claire Dunphy and Gloria Pritchett from Modern Family both have to be one seeds. Aunt Becky from Full House? Teri Hatcher on Desperate Housewives? Betty Draper before she and Don got divorced? Ari’s wife on Entourage? Claire from Lost? Margene from Big Love? Tim the Toolman Taylor’s wife? Maggie Seaver? Peg Bundy?
We need your nominees, but this list is legion.
I have no idea who will win.
Cullen C. writes:
“To get my mind off the heartbreaking Mizzou loss last night, I watched some Friday Night Lights reruns this morning to make me feel better. Which made me think of this question; In what order would you rank the women of Friday Night Lights? I usually rank them by hotness but feel free to rank however you’d like (being a gay muslim and all).”
Okay, here are my FNL hotness rankings:
1. Lyla Garrity
2. Tami Taylor
3. Tyra Collette
4. Jess Meriweather aka Dillon East ballgirl whose range went from Landry to Vince.
5. Becky Sproles
6. Julie Taylor
I realize that your list may well differ substantially.
But if you have anyone other than Lyla or Tami Taylor at the top of your list then I think you’re a damn fool.
You can email me mailbag questions throughout the week at email@example.com
I pick the best ones for the Friday Mailbag. And lately you guys have been sending in great questions, which makes the mailbag the most fun piece I write every week.