It’s Friday, time for you to pretend to be working or paying attention in class while you read the mailbag.
Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Mark Walton, a four star running back who is committed to Miami and made a mid-week visit to Georgia. This is just an incredible look. I love the preparation that went into this visit. If Georgia can’t get this guy to flip then they totally Georgia’d that visit.
Okay, on to the mailbag.
“How many times did you giggle during Tom Brady’s press conference?”
Even funnier, my kids were both running around downstairs screaming like banshees and I’m turning up our television to earth shattering levels and finally I was was like, “Can you guys please be quiet, I’m trying to hear Tom Brady talk about his balls.”
And then my wife walks into the room and she’s like, all interested all of a sudden, “What about Tom Brady’s balls?”
This TMZ remix is pretty great.
My buddies love a great coaching search and when the Tennessee offensive coordinator position came up, we started brain storming. The normal, rational for Tennessee fans, names like Peyton and Gruden of course had to come up. Then we went out on a limb and said Lane Kiffin. Our question to you is what would cause a greater uproar from the Vol Nation, the departure of Lane in 2010 or the rehiring in 2015? We needed to consult with the only person who has seen more dicks than Kiffin himself.”
See, I think rehiring Kiffin wouldn’t provoke anywhere near the uproar as when Kiffin left because most fans are dumb and can be easily convinced of anything so long as it benefits their school. If Kiffin came out and said, “Leaving Tennessee was the worst decision I’ve ever made in my life. My family always loved it here and we’re happy to be back on rocky top, Tennessee,” the dumbest fans, who were the most angry at him for leaving to begin with, would immediately forgive him.
Plus, and this is key, he’d be leaving Alabama, which would count as the biggest Tennessee victory over Alabama since 2006. So I don’t even think there would be much of a controversy. Fans are immoral idiots when it comes to their favorite teams. Anything that makes their team more likely to win is okay with them. It’s why I can make a living, because I point out these contorted logic pretzels and then fans are furious at me for hating on their teams. I’m not hating, my brain just works.
Here’s a question that was inspired by the famous laminated list as seen on “Friends.” It’s a two-parter.
a) Say you’re at a fancy gala and all of a sudden Justin Timberlake, Brad Pitt or George Clooney walks up to you and your wife and says, “I don’t mean to be too forward, but sir, I’d like to bed your wife for the evening.” What percentage of guys would totally be cool with that? What percentage would brag about it?
b) Flip it. What percentage of wives do you feel would give their husbands the ok to sleep with Kate Upton or Kate Beckinsale? And would they brag to their friends?
A lot of follow-up questions are interesting too. If one spouse gave the ok to the other, would you demand a group breakfast with the celebrity or a promise to be an extra in the next movie he/she is starring in? Or if a sports star like Tom Brady or Anna Kournikova, would tickets to the Super Bowl/Wimbeldon be out of line? Would the percentages change if it was reduced to oral? Would you totally be ok if you’re wife asked if she could blow George Clooney?
And where is a good line drawn in terms of fame. Would an NFL cheerleader make the cut of ok-ness with your wife? Or Playboy centerfold? What about a CEO of a major company?”
I’d like to poll this question to see the actual results, but my thought is that guys are much more likely to say yes and to brag about it. I just don’t see very many married women ever uttering this sentence to their friends, “And then my husband totally fucked the hell out of Kate Upton!” Whereas I can see many more guys telling their buddies, “My wife’s so hot Justin Timberlake was begging to sleep with her.”
The key is, the more famous the person, the more likely the answer is yes. An NFL cheerleader or a Playmate wouldn’t make the cut for very many people because they’re basically normal people. I think the key to a yes answer here is the remoteness factor, i.e. how often are you to be hanging out with Timberlake, Pitt, or Clooney again? For most of us the answer is probably never. If you’re around the person regularly then I think you’d have to say no because it’s incredibly awkward the next day. It’s not likely a love triangle ensues here if you’re never around each other. Although, you would be running the risk that your wife or husband becomes the side piece for that celebrity every time they’re in town.
I’d say no to just a blow job because your wife isn’t a coat check girl at a Hollywood club. That seems much more demeaning than actual sex. You could ask for future freebies, but then it’s kind of like “Indecent Proposal,” right? That makes this much tawdrier. “My wife slept with Tom Brady and he gave us Super Bowl tickets!” Well, then your wife is basically a whore, right? Can’t you buy the tickets yourself without your wife having to bang a celebrity for them?
So I’m going 35% of men say yes to Timberlake, Pitt or Clooney and 15% of women say yes to a really famous woman.
The even funnier part of this question is, would you have a threesome with your wife and Justin Timberlake? Like, what would your role be during the threesome? Two women and one man is a much sexier threesome because if the women touch each other it’s sensual and sexy. Two men and one woman is just really awkward. Every sex act has to be designed so that the men don’t touch. Which requires so much planning. It’s very logistical and planned out. “Okay, while she blows you, I’m going to be back here, near the nether regions. When you decide you’re tired of getting blown let me know and I’ll switch places with you. Clockwise, okay with you or do you want to walk around her counterclockwise? Because I can do either.”
Plus, I don’t even think a man could speak in this situation. Do you high five? “Yeah, Justin, you’re bringing sexy back!”
This is a great SNL skit that’s probably too dirty to air.
“I am a 27 year old single male with no children. I am right at that age where a lot of my friends are getting engaged and getting married. However, very few have started having children yet. On Christmas Day, it was revealed to the Facebook world that a recently married buddy of mine and his wife are expecting. I texted my congrats (condolences) to my friend.
A few weeks ago, I received a text from my buddy asking for my address. This is when the red flag was raised. I am not that close with this guy. It’s an old high school friend. We see each other 3-4 times a year for a round of golf. I was at his wedding but not in it. What does he need to send me? Surely he isn’t inviting me to a fucking baby shower right? Aren’t those just for women?
Fast-forward to today. The letter has arrived, I open it and see: “Little mister or little miss?! Please join us for a GENDER REVEAL PARTY!!!” I don’t even know where to begin. Is he fucking with me? I thought we were friends. Is he trying to get me to share in his misery? There is a start time but no end time. I mean.. what happens at these things (outside of the obvious)? Is this something I can expect more of in the future as more of my friends have children? Do I have to go to this shit? I thought a perk of being single and childless was that I won’t get invited to these things. Please help.”
JUST TELL US THE SEX OF YOUR GODDAMN BABY!
You can either tell everyone or you can wait until the birth and be surprised. Those are the only two options. If you insist upon doing these gender reveal parties then stipulate that only women are ever invited. Because I can guarantee you this, no man cares enough about the sex of a baby to willingly attend the gender reveal party. The whole thing is just so emasculating.
This is what every husband is really thinking: “Great, I”m having a girl and I just found out by eating a cupcake in front of forty people. My life is fucking over.”
This is what every one of his buddies is thinking at the gender reveal party. “God, I remember when Johnny drank an entire bottle of Jack Daniel’s and screwed two different girls on the same day at Panama City Beach spring break 2003. His life has really gone to shit.”
No one other than your parents and her parents want to come to a party and see what sex your baby is going to be.
Don’t have them and don’t go if you don’t have to go.
(FYI, I still haven’t been to one of these parties. What’s more, I also haven’t been invited. Probably because I’m an asshole. But at least I’m the asshole who hasn’t had to go to a gender reveal party.)
“I am not sure if you saw Russell Wilson’s comments after the NFC Championship when asked how his game consisting of four interceptions went from the worst game of his career to most exhilarating…he said, “That’s God setting it up, to make it so dramatic, so rewarding, so special.”
Does he REALLY think God made those four interceptions take place? Did God make him throw the pass in that direction? Did God make the receiver tip the ball? Did God make the cornerback and/or safety be in the right place in the right time? Did God want the Seahawks to win?
And this doesn’t necessarily ONLY go for Wilson. These statements about ‘God’ affecting sporting events happens pretty much weekly. Do athletes truly think God selects their team to win over the other? Or are they just not intelligent enough to put together a thought in a post-game interview?
PS – Given the State of the Union took place this week, wondering if you think that in our lifetime as a fellow 30 year old, what % chance would you give on an atheist or agnostic candidate being elected President?”
I’m so sick of athletes thanking God in the post-game interviews. If I were a famous athlete, I’d be so tempted to flip the script here. What if instead of thanking God for helping you win, you went the other direction and pointed out how much God must hate the Green Bay Packers?
Like what if I were Russell Wilson and I’d said, “Man, God must really hate the Packers. He let them get up 19-7 and made that safety down the ball when he could have returned my interception for a touchdown. Then he made Mike McCarthy run the ball three straight times and punt. Then he got the linebacker not to cover Marshawn Lynch out of the backfield. Then he made the referees miss Lynch grabbing his cock and balls to celebrate. And how about my two point conversion pass that no one knocked down! Then he made that guy let the ball go off his head on the onside kick. Boy, God really fucked the Packers today.”
Everyone would be outraged, right?
IT’S THE EXACT SAME THING.
If God favors one team then he disfavors the other team.
They can’t do it because they’d get killed, but I’d love it if Erin Andrews or Charissa Thompson, who are both pretty sneaky funny, followed up an athlete question like this, by saying, totally straightfaced, “So why do you think God didn’t want the Packers to win?”
“This question might be better suited for the anon mailbag, but I’m firing it away while it’s fresh on my mind. Every dude reading this has been there before. You’re up late watching TV when your primordial instincts take over & it’s time to engage in a practice you’ve perfected since you were 12. Whether you fire up your favorite amateur porn site or go for the hottest chick in the game, shoutout Mia Khalifa, it’s time to beat your meat. Besides Nancy Grace, what’s the strangest thing to have on tv while rubbing one out? I happened to be watching a documentary on NPT about the KKK in North Carolina while I rubbed one out. (I’m black, by the way). Can this be topped?”
Being a black guy jerking off to a KKK documentary is the Jewish equivalent of Jerry Seinfeld making out with his girlfriend during “Schlinder’s List.” That’s a tough one to beat.
In high school one of my buddies jerked off to scrambled Playboy — as did you if you grew up before Internet porn existed — and then fell asleep with scrambled Playboy still on the television. His mom came in and found him that way. That’s pretty humiliating. Another one of my buddies, and this may be the most funny jerking off story I’ve ever heard, got caught jerking off to one of those sexy Florida post cards back in 1992. He was holding it up in front of him — seriously, kids who grew up with the Internet have no idea how much the Internet revolutionized jerking off. Getting caught jerking off to a sexy Florida post card is humiliating enough, but he got caught jerking off by my friend’s 80 year old grandma. The only thing that could make this story more absurd would have been if she’d had a heart attack and died right there.
Honestly, that should be a scene in a movie. How screwed up would the rest of your sex life be if you killed your grandma because she caught you jerking off to a sexy post card when you were 13?
I feel like next week’s anonymous mailbag should just be the most humilating jerking off stories all of you have. Email me. email@example.com Remember, you’re anonymous.
We end the mailbag today with the worst lawyer advertisement ever filmed in the history of the legal profession.