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All That and a Bag of Mail: Connie Britton’s Bag Man

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As I write this mailbag I am presently flying to Los Angeles to tape our first ever college football preseason show for Fox Sports 1. 

Guess who is in the aisle directly across from me?

Connie Britton!

After her Tami Taylor role on “Friday Night Lights,” she’s my favorite actress on Earth. She looks the exact same in person as she did on FNL and does now on “Nashville.”

So I’ve already helped her put her bags up in the overhead bin. Helping Tami Taylor with her luggage is now the fifth greatest moment of my life. (1 and 2, birth of kids, 3. marriage, 4. passing the bar exam 5. putting Tami Taylor’s luggage in the overhead bin.)

By the way, I always help women put their overhead bags in the bin and I was in line directly behind Connie on our Southwest flight. So I would have done it for any woman. And it’s not like I bowled over ten people to get the luggage up top. (I’m actually less likely to help attractive women because I’m thinking that they’re thinking the only reason I’m doing this is because they’re hot.) 

She was thankful for the help and now I’m sitting here trying to figure out whether or not to say something to her.

And I just Tweeted y’all to ask for advice. 

And all of you want me to talk to her. 

The top questions are: 1. What’s happening with the “Friday Night Lights,” movie? and 2. how is her hair so awesome? (Several women, including my wife and Fox colleagues Erin Andrews and Kris Budden asked the exact same question.) 

So I’m going in now. 

Wish me luck. 

My opening line was, “Connie, I write and talk about sports for a living and I’ve just got to say, “Friday Night Lights” was my wife and mine’s favorite show ever. We loved it.”

She smiled, that beautiful Tami Taylor smile and said, “Thank you, so much,” in a perfect drawl.

Having broken the ice and become that awkward stranger on the Southwest flight — yes, she’s flying Southwest — A boarding group, what, what — who talks to people they don’t know, I had to follow up with the top two Twitter questions from you guys. 

So I asked her if there would be a “Friday Night Lights,” movie. She said she didn’t know yet. I followed this up by saying, and I’m not making this up, “Erin Andrews loves your hair and wants to know what your secret is.”

The answer?

“Never wash it.”

I think she enjoyed the questions because we then shook hands. And this should come as no surprise but Connie Britton has the softest hands possible.   

So this is no surprise, but Connie Britton is our beaver pelt trader of the week. She’s as awesome as I’d hoped she might be.

How awesome would it be to have Connie Britton answer the entire mailbag one week?

Dare to dream. 

Now on to the mailbag:  

Bunches of you on Twitter and email:

“Everybody is doing college football top 25’s right now, what would yours look like?”

I’ll turn this into a column next week with our preseason Outkick Top 25, but here’s my top five:

1. Alabama

2. Oregon

3. Ohio State

4. Georgia

5. Louisville

All five of these teams will be favored to win every regular season game this season. So I think they all have to be the top five. Alabama would be favored over every team on this list, but the Tide would be favored over Oregon the least. 

So my preseason top two teams are Alabama and Oregon. 

This means my predicted BCS title game is also Alabama and Oregon. (Note that I bet on Georgia to win the BCS title. That’s because Georgia has by far the best odds of all the teams that are predicted to win every game. At 24-1 I like Georgia’s payoff much better than I do Alabama’s.)

I don’t believe that Louisville has any chance at all to play for the title unless every SEC team loses twice and there are no undefeated teams from other major conferences.  

I’ll have the rest of my top 25 next week, but there’s my preview. 

Jared C. writes:

Got a friend (Vandy grad) who is having his first kid in November. A few buddies and I have invited him to Vegas for Labor Day weekend/week 1 of college football. We even lobbied for him to go as it would be his “dad-chlor party” or last time to party hard before kids.



He won’t commit because him and wifey are going on a “baby moon.” Baby moon is not yet planned, just something they are doing in late September.



We have all given him crap over not being able to go but everyone on the trip is pretty much single with no kids. We don’t relate to someone saying no to a trip to Vegas, especially when it is a friend of ours.



Two questions:

– what should take precedent? Dad-chlor party or Baby moon? Extension of this question: should his wife allow/force him to go?

– how much does a guy’s social life change after having kids?

The babymoon concept should be every bit as popular as a honeymoon. Probably even more so. I’m not kidding. The honeymoon is fine, but you and your wife are spoiled at that point. Hooray, it’s just the two of us and you can take an awesome trip together. Chances are the two of you have taken an awesome trip before. And it’s probably not the first time you’ve slept together anymore.

Conversely the babymoon is you and your wife’s last chance to take a great trip before you don’t have any control of your own life for the next several years. Given the fact that most of you will probably have more than one kid, the birth of the first kid is basically a decade or more of saying goodbye to fun adult trips. Sure, you can still take vacations, but the first time you take a young kid on an airplane or on a long car ride you’ll understand what I mean. A baby changes everything.

Our first son was born in January. If I had one thing to do over again, I’d take my wife away for like two weeks and go visit somewhere awesome. Before you have kids you just don’t understand how much your life will change. We should have done the babymoon.   

So if your buddy has to choose between the dadchlor party or the baby moon, he has to pick the baby moon. 

But here the calendars don’t overlap. 

So he should do both.

Finally, his social life will change a great deal. Kids are time vacuums. They just suck up whatever excess time you find in your life. I always love when people without kids talk about how busy they are. Stop it, no you aren’t. If you don’t have kids you are not that busy. Why? Because you control your free time. Once you have kids that’s not true, they’re the boss. (And you dog people, please stop with all your talk about how having a dog is preparing you for having kids. You are completely and totally wrong. It doesn’t. Not at all).     

Goose writes:

“I live in the oldest section of an amazing southeastern Louisiana city; over four years now. For the past, approximately, seven months I’ve been living off of my suga momma at just about a 100% dependency rate. I was laid off of an $80k+ job and haven’t made as much as one call in search of another. I generally only see her on weekends since she lives about 70 miles to the northwest in a big time SEC city. She talks too much and says very annoying things quite often. Anyway, how long is too long for me to continue this lifestyle?

Please make up an alias for me (Goose would work). I luckily found your site near its infancy and I read about every article you tweet out. I tell everyone about it, or at least I tell everyone that I think would get your writing about the site. Keep up the good work.”
 
I’m filled with questions about this. 
 
Does your sugar momma give you cash every weekend? Did she give you a credit card to cover all your expenses? When you say that she’s paying for everything does she cover your mortgage or your car payment too?
 
You must really have the magic stick.
 
Before I answer your question, I think this situation is going to become more and prevalent. That’s because women continue to excel in life and so many men are complete screw ups. (I’m not saying you’re a screw-up, you had a really good job and lost it. The number of guys out there who are incapable of actually getting a decent job is astounding.) Put simply, there are many, many more smart, attractive women with high-paying jobs than there are men to date or marry them.
 
That’s why I don’t think this situation is that uncommon. Women are getting so desperate to find men to date or hook up with that they end up covering all the expenses of the relationship. Want to take a trip to Mexico for a long weekend? She pays for everything. Week-long vacation to Europe? Ditto.
 
Seriously, there are a ton of smart, intelligent women reading this answer right now who pay for dinner and drinks everytime they go out to eat with their loser boyfriends.  
 
It’s not just women’s imagination anymore, there are statistically many more smart women than there are smart men. 
 
That’s because men are outliers in all respects. There are a bunch of very smart guys, but there’s also an equal amount of incredibly dumb men. There are infinitely more incredibly dumb men than there are incredibly dumb women. So, on average, women are smarter than men. Add in the fact that women now get more college and advanced degrees and that the information economy is rewarding women’s ability to read and process information much more than it is men’s ability to not read and not process information, and you’re talking about a bona fide sexual revolution. By the way, the number of men of all intelligence levels who don’t read anything — and if you say, “I read magazines not books,” you’re who I’m talking about — is terrifying.  
 
Now, to answer your question, what’s your ambition here? Is it possible you could end up together long range and you’re willing to be the stay-at-home dad, or is this just a part-time sugar momma gig? Lots of us have been out of work in this economy. Hell, the reason I started Outkick was because FanHouse got sold and everyone lost their writing jobs. I had to start my own small business to have any job security at all. But at some point you’ve got to pick yourself up and do something or she’ll get tired of your unchanging situation. Just like you’d eventually get tired of the girl you kept on the side if you were a sugar daddy. What’s the old line? No matter how hot she is, there’s somebody who’s tired of sleeping with her. The same is true for women with men. Probably more so here since you aren’t actually providing much else.
 
Plus, while it would be hysterical to picture the conversation she’d have with you when she cut you off, — “Look, you’re just costing me too much. I love your magic stick, but lately it’s not that magic or powerful enough to be worth what you cost. I want a guy who wants to do something with the rest of his life. It’s not that you don’t have a job, it’s that you don’t seem to care to do anything at all. And I can’t keep paying for your beer and your air conditioning.”
 
So I’d say a year is your limit.
 
Some might disagree and say that you should ride this out as long as possible, but eventually this kind of relationship has to end.
 
In the meantime, congrats.  
 
Jonathan H. writes:

Clay,

“My wife has been deployed to Afghanistan for the past 6 months, and she comes home in 2 weeks.  Naturally, the only positive thing about her being gone is the fact that I get to pee outside whenever I want. You see, my wife HATES it when I pee outside. It has caused arguments, with me fervently defending my right, as a man, to pee outside.
 
Here’s the deal.  I am now used to being able to pee outside whenever I want, I get the strongest urge to pee outside when I’ve been drinking, and I am firmly committed to being able to pee outside.  That being said, I also want to be a decent husband and be willing to compromise with my wife.  So, when defending my right to pee outside, what number (let’s say per week), should I shoot for?  I’m thinking I should be allowed to pee outside when I’ve had more than 4-5 drinks, which would mean about once a week.  That’s not unreasonable, right?  I’d be happy if you say more, though.  I’m 100% certain that my wife will go with whatever number you choose.”
 
See, I think peeing outside is a function of arrival time home more than it is of frequency of outside peeing. 
 
For instance, I only pee outside after dark, generally after ten at night. No one can really see me then. (Although, it’s funny to think about if I was a movie star and US Weekly had telephoto pictures of me peeing outside in my yard. How much of a Hollywood scandal would this be? Do people pee outside in LA? Most importantly, would Connie Britton think less of me for peeing outside?)
 
It’s my contention that post-midnight outdoor pees are always acceptable. The same is true when you arrive home from a bar after a late night out drinking. I’ve gotten dropped off by a cab around three in the morning and actually peed in my front yard. Which is probably a no, no, but I don’t want to go in my front door and then walk through the entire house and then go out into the backyard to pee.
 
Even I’d agree that’s ridiculous.  
 
So what I think you could agree to is not going outside to pee when you’re already inside.
 
And not peeing outside anytime before ten at night. 
 
Just tell her there’s something about being able to pee while you can see the stars. 
 
It’s fabulous. 
 
(If she offers to put a skylight above your toilet you’re screwed.) 
 
Matt G. writes:


“Hey Clay, yesterday we had a Ryder Cup like golf match against a rival, and one of our players knocked in a 35 footer on 18 to send the whole match into a sudden death playoff. We ended up losing in the playoff, but if we had won, what would have been the best way to celebrate the victory and congratulate the kid who was beyond clutch with the putt on 18? We need creative ideas heading into the future.”
 
What was your playoff hole? Did you restart at one? Did you replay 18? I hope the course wasn’t crowded because that could be a disaster. 
 
The best golf shot of my life I holed out from 85 yards on 18 to win a match play competition.
 
The other team was so pissed because if you’ve ever seen my golf game I could have probably attempted that shot thousands of times without sinking it.
 
When I made my big shot, I was very understated with my celebration.  
 
I rode my pitching wedge like it was a horse all the way to the green. 
 
As for what you should have done for your teammate, I think you should have purchased him a green jacket, Masters-style. I know it was a Ryder Cup playoff, but the green jacket works for all occasions. We gave a green jacket to our 3HL putt-putt champion a few years ago. It was outstanding. 
 
So I’d go with the green jacket.
 
Scott F. writes:


“Clay,
I was the last guy in my group of friends to get married this past Saturday. My groomsmen and I are all LSU grads with the exception of the token guy that decided too go away (luckily to Auburn and not the other school). After having been a groomsmen in each of their weddings and gotten some decent gifts, which I may or may not have seen since their rehearsal dinners, I decided to get creative. The wife suggested monogramed pocket knives but many of us are attorneys who can’t take those to court and anyone who does carry a knife believes they have the “best” knife ever made. So I expanded my search a bit and spent four months coming up with the greatest groomsmen gift in history: a parang machete. Sure, a lot of their wives aren’t happy (especially the one who just gave birth) but the reveal of 13 machetes at the end of an elegant rehearsal dinner was priceless. I also got to spend my last night as a single man with my groomsmen destroying everything in sight.  Does a better groomsmen gift within a reasonable price range exist? SEE PICS (beer cans didn’t stand a chance).”
 
 
 
This picture is awesome. So is the gift.
 
But this also reminds me of when the Jacksonville Jaguars team message was, “Keep chopping wood,” and they left an axe in the locker room. Then the kicker almost chopped his leg off.
 
Thirteen machetes and alcohol, what could possibly go wrong? 
 
John writes:


“In 2011, me and a few buddies rented an RV and drove up to Penn State for the Alabama game. We also had tickets to the Giants Redskins 9/11 opening game that Sunday in DC, so we had to leave early Sunday from Penn State.

Naturally, we woke up Sunday down a man and had to find him fast and get on the road. After scouring our phones, one buddy had a text from a cop saying they had found our friend face down in the mud and that he was at the Penn State hospital – All this guy does is down bottles of Jameson.

After getting to the hospital, I went in to check him out, but found him in the greatest attire I have ever seen on a grown ass man. He had a neck brace (for precautionary reasons only) and the only other thing on him was a giant, hardcore diaper. Of course, I had to go out to the RV and wake everyone else up so they could see this priceless moment.

We explained we needed to get him out immediately and the nurse said he could not leave until he could walk on his own, which she thought would be a few hours. Being entirely unacceptable, we spent a good 30 minutes doing everything possible to get him functioning. He finally came to and we got the nurse, who escorted him to the bathroom. Apparently the bathroom trip was successful enough for us to get on the road. The doc came in as we were leaving and said his BAC was .41 and it could have been a much different outcome if he wasn’t a regular drinker.

We hit the road and made the game in DC. We now refer to this level of drunk as “diaper drunk”.

Two year later, he hasn’t changed much, which brings me to the question of what level of bad experience has to happen to change your ways? – he also had citations, hospital and ambulance bills.” 

Everybody has at least one friend — and you may have multiple friends — who just can’t stop drinking once they start.  I’m not saying occasionally you drink too much or don’t eat enough or spend all day sweating in the sun while drinking, I’m talking about every time this guy has two beers he continues drinking until he’s had twenty beers. And he or she’s always your drunkest friend at all events.  

The easiest answer is, and as hysterical as this story is, this guy probably doesn’t need to drink anymore at all. And he probably knows this, which is why he’s fighting it so hard.

I mean, if you wake up in a diaper in a college hospital with a .41 — a .41! — after the age of 22 you’ve probably got alcohol issues.

My advice would be, don’t let him drink liquor anymore. Make him drink beer. Just consuming that much liquid is impossible for most people.  

One of my friends used to drink a ton like this but then and all of this is completely true — he got so drunk in Las Vegas that he was removed from Body English night club on a gurney. (Yeah, you can imagine how cool this was.) They then took him to the hospital in an ambulance.

If you get taken in an ambulance to a hospital for partying too hard at a bachelor party you know you’ve hit a low point. 

None of us realized what had happened to him.

The next morning he shows back up in the hotel room, takes off his shirt, and he’s covered in electrodes that they used to track his heart.

The doctor told him he was so drunk he could have operated on him without anesthesia.

The entire thing was hysterical, but also scary. Just like your story. 

But this was years ago and to his credit this ended all absurd alcohol episodes for him.  

Good luck. 

Chris K. writes:

“Help settle an argument amongst friends: What are the rules surrounding hooking up with a friend’s ex-girlfriend or previous hook-up? Is it purely a subjective, case-by-case analysis or are there guidelines to be followed? One school of thought is that it is never okay, but that seems extreme if the previous hook-up was minor or if there are other extenuating circumstances. Does the hotness of the girl play a role in your decision? Does it matter how “detailed” the hook up was?

In our situation, Friend A hooked up with Girl X off and on for a few months. She moved on and started seeing other people. A few months later, Friend A’s good buddy Friend B started talked to Girl X and now they are hooking up. Friend A may have gotten a little hung up and is now becoming emotional with all parties involved.”

I love the idea of a formal legal balancing test on the hook-up with an ex-scale. Lots of you law students who read the mailbag, this would be an outstandingly funny article for your law journal topics. No one is going to read that crap you’re doing about the Hawley Smoot tariff. Give up that dream. Write something fun.

But to answer your question.   

I think you have to consider several factors here, first is, how good of friends are the guys? Are we talking one of your best friends? Or are we talking you’re still 22 or 23 years old and everyone goes out together in a group because you recently graduated from college together? Because those are entirely different levels of friendship. As you age you’ll end up with a smaller and smaller circle of guy friends. So I think the level of friendship matters a great deal.

If it’s two best friends, this is really tough. Because you say she broke up with him too. He might really like her and suddenly she’s showing up at every event this guy goes to. He can’t escape. Worse than that she’s making out with his friend, showing up at the pool in a bikini, I can see why the jilted friend would be upset here.

So to sum up the first prong of analysis: Are you such good friends that you’re going to be in this buddy’s presence multiple times a week for groups of four or smaller? The better the friends you are, the less defensible this is.  

Now, the second prong to consider is how detailed was the hook-up? That definitely matters. A bar makeout is completely different than an actual relationship where they were known as a couple. Some other questions to consider: Were they ever exclusive? Did they have sex? You need to know the answer to all of these questions before you can fully analyze the new relationship.

Finally, I think the third prong is where do you live. If you’re in a big city, dating the exes of good friends without mutual consent is tough to accept. I mean, there are tens of thousands of available girls or guys. If you’re in a smaller town, that’s tougher because there might not be that many dateable partners. Plus, you might be really picky like OKTC editor Lori Kelly, who once remarked, “99% of men are completely and totally undateable.”

Hope this helps, good luck.  

Drew W. writes:

“I’m at a bit of a crossroads here.  I have been opposed to grown men wearing a jersey for as long as I can remember. Nothing looks more absurd than a grown man in a football or basketball jersey.  However, I live in Chicago, and hockey is huge here. I’ve been lucky enough to watch the Blackhawks win two Stanley Cups since I’ve been here. Many of my friends that grew up in the Midwest (I’m from the South) are trying to get me to buy a Blackhawks jersey. I’ve held out for quite some time, but my will to hold strong is weakening.
 
Is it acceptable for a grown man to wear a hockey jersey? Is it deemed more acceptable than a football or basketball jersey? Could it end up being a “gateway” jersey leading me to wear all sorts of other jerseys, helmets, earrings, jorts, etc? Personally, I’m leaning towards continuing to wear normal clothing to games. However, I’d like some input from an expert.”
 
No grown man can wear a jersey. 
 
Period.
 
Generally, I avoid the gateway argument because it’s basically the slippery slope argument. But here it’s accurate, if you wear a hockey jersey then eventually you’re guaranteed to show up in a jersey at all games. It’s inevitable. Wearing a jersey has to be like heroin, once you try it you’re addicted. Otherwise, why do grown men continue to make this decision?
 
And since when do Southern men take sports cues from Midwest men?
 
Are you going to grow a goatee too?
 
Have some g-damn self respect. 
 
Zach writes:
 
“I am a 21-year-old college student. I’ve just moved into my first apartment. My mom is, needless to say, very excited to come see the new place. For several scheduling reasons, she can’t come up until September 14.

Since this is my first place and I’m not making very much money, I only have Internet and not cable because my roommate doesn’t watch sports thus has no need for cable because he watches all his shows online, thus he doesn’t want to split cable in half. So, with that, I will not be able to watch the Alabama-A&M game without going to a sports bar.

I need to know if I tell my mom I’m busy that weekend so that I can watch easily the biggest college football game in the short time I’ve been alive, and then invite her and my step-dad up for the next weekend…This option of course comes with the guilt of lying to my mom so that I could watch a football game without her.

The other option is I tell her I’m available that weekend and run the risk that she doesn’t want to go watch the A&M game, and I miss the biggest game of the year.

I need to know what to do. You’re the only person I would trust to advise me correctly on this.

(This is all, of course, assuming Johnny Manziel isn’t suspended. If that happens this isn’t even an issue.)”

 
You have to tell your mom that the game is going on and that you’re watching it. 
 
I mean, your mom doesn’t live in France, right? She can visit another weekend just as easily. And if she can’t then she can go to the sports bar and watch the game with you. Most moms would be ecstatic at the idea that you’d be willing to watch this big of a game with her. 
 
Now that I’m a dad, I can see the mom perspective from both my own mom’s angle and from my wife’s too. And that’s why I can absolutely, positively guarantee that your mom isn’t coming up just to see your new apartment.
 
The apartment’s just a convenient excuse for her to come and visit you. You are still her baby, and will be, no matter how old you become.
 
Don’t hide the scheduling conflict, tell her.
 
Then let her choose.
 
If she takes it poorly — and I don’t think she will — it’s probably because you conveyed it awkwardly. 
 
So if you need me to call her, email me her phone number.
 
Moms love me.
 
This isn’t a joke.
 
I’ll smooth things over for you.
 
 
All of you, regardless of what cable or satellite provider you have, will have FS1 come six eastern on Saturday morning. It’s replacing the Speed channel. We’re doing an hour preseason special that will air on Saturday morning as the very first show in FS1 history.
 
Check it out and let me know what you guys think.
 
Hope y’all have great weekends.  

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.