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I’ve never threatened divorce or even really thought of it, as Charles Barkley once told me via Denzel Washington — this is true — “She may leave me, but I ain’t never leaving her,” — but this week’s “Time” cover would have done it.
How could a dad allow his son to appear on this cover?
This poor kid will never escape the fact that he can remember breastfeeding from his mom. What’s more, nothing dies on the Internet and his mom is hot. Is there a worse thing in the world for a 13 year old boy then the day when his 7th grade friends find this picture on the Internet?
Can you imagine walking in to soccer practice — this kid is definitely playing soccer — and seeing this plastered all over the locker room wall?
Look, I defer to my wife on pretty much everything dealing with our kids. But this is a time a when a dad had to say no.
And threaten divorce.
Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Josh Hamilton based on his four homerun peformance.
Now on to the Mailbag:
From @karenehowell, who you should be following on Twitter and badgering to write more for the site, comes this genius question:
“If you had to guess, which of today’s prominent athletes were breastfed until their 3rd birthday?”
LeBron James is the most likely.
In fact, are we absolutely certain LeBron James still isn’t breastfed?
Here are my other top candidates after LeBron:
2. Curt Schilling
3. Phil Mickelson
4. Delonte West (via LeBron’s mom)
5. Mark Cuban
6. Eli Manning
Robert from London writes:
“I’m from England and have never been to an SEC game. But I read “Dixieland Delight” and loved it. So I’m going to an SEC game this fall. Where should I go and for which game?”
This is an easy call.
You have to go to LSU and you have to go there for the Alabama game.
And you have to wear this shirt.
“What are the odds of Petrino going to Tennessee within the next two years?”
First, I’m waging war against the Twitter underscore. Was @repthehogs116 already taken? I’m guessing not. Why choose the underscore on purpose? This makes zero sense. People like me spend five minutes staring at our keyboards trying to find the damn underscore.
Second, I think he’s the only coach Tennessee could hire that would defnitely have the Vols in a BCS bowl game within three years. Petrino’s already done it at Louisville and Arkansas, two jobs that are much tougher than Tennessee.
But you’d have to be desperate to hire him to withstand the public ridicule.
So the question becomes, how desperate is Tennessee?
I think pretty desperate. The athletic department just eliminated 17 jobs to save money and the season ticket base has shrunk from around 74k to 50k or so just since Phil Fulmer was fired in 2008. That’s a massive decline that makes Dooley’s performance a financial issue as well as a football one. Put simply, Dooley has not sold the program to Vol fans, who are voting with their wallets by not supporting him.
Throw in a bad economy with HD television and the fact that the state of Tennessee isn’t a one trick athletic pony anymore and you’ve got a recipe for athletic disaster. With the Titans, Predators and Grizzlies, there are pro teams snagging up a lot of fan dollars now. None of these teams were a threat to the Vols in 1997. In fact, the Titans now have more season ticket holders in the state than the Vols do. Nashville, the fastest growing city in the state by far, has become a huge NFL market.
College football is still massive in the city too, but Nashville is diverse in its rooting interests, every SEC team has a substantial fan base here. UT took Nashville for granted and continued to market in the area like it was 1992. As a result, it’s lost a generation of kids.
When I was a kid growing up, a game in Neyland Stadium was the greatest sports experience in the state you could possibly imagine. Now there’s very real competition. My kids are going to be Titans fans too. Will they prefer the NFL to college? I’m not sure. But most kids in Nashville do now.
How does UT combat this threat in fan interest?
The Vols have to win.
The past two seasons were the first consecutive losing seasons at Tennessee since 1910 and 1911. We’re at hundred year suckage levels right now. But the past four years have been just awful too: 5-7, 7-6, 6-7, 5-7
So Tennessee has managed to time its collapse at the worst possible time: a bad football team meets a bad economy, flourishing HD television, all as successful pro sports teams rise in the state.
Petrino’s an absolute untrustworthy ass, but you know he’s going to win big. And he’s never been in trouble with the NCAA. The Vols will strongly consider him.
Otherwise I think the three hottest names in coaching after the 2012 season will be: West Virginia’s Dana Holgorsen, Louisville’s Charlie Strong, and Vandy’s James Franklin.
UT can afford to pay much more than any of those three schools can.
So to answer your question, I put the odds of Petrino to the Vols at about 35%.
Would you rather 3HL be televised like the DP show or see Rachel Nichols have a nip slip on the air?
First of all, nip slips are proof that God still loves married men. But a Rachel Nichols nip slip? Not doing much for me.
“E-S-P (nip slip) NNNNN”
I mean, it’s better than the Nancy Grace nip slip — which wasn’t proof that God still loves married men at all, in fact, the opposite — but I’d want to choose my nip slip target.
And I probably wouldn’t pick sports — unless I also got to choose that the nip slip happened while Les Miles was being interviewed on the field just to see his reaction — I’d go Oscars or Emmys. (By the way, if you wanted a sports nip slip on television during an interview and Les Miles wasn’t your choice to view said nip slip, you don’t deserve to have an opinion on the issue.)
And if I went Oscars or Emmys I’d go with Sofia Vergara’s nipple slipping out. To be fair, I’d already debated with myself before this question even came which celebrity I’d most like to see a nip slip from.
Hell, I root for a Vergara nip slip during “Modern Family” and I know it’s been taped and edited already.
Second, I’d be nervous about being on a televised radio talk show because we wouldn’t be able to talk normally during breaks. If you think I say ridiculous things on air now, imagine what I say when the mic is off. So while I think the DP Show is the best national sports talk radio show and there isn’t a close second, I’d be nervous about the mics staying on during breaks.
So to answer your question I’d rather see Sofia Vergara have a nip slip.
And, by the way, if I had a satellite radio show we’d do a nip slip draft and let y’all draft your favorite nip slips. Then I’d play Mel Kiper and break down your decisions. This would be radio gold.
You’re welcome. (By the way, I love that this photo wasn’t hot enough yet. They had to put her in heels on the beach).
Please don’t use my name but answer this question:
“Why do I have to get my wife something for mother’s day when she isn’t my mother?”
This is an excellent question.
And the easy answer is because you want her to sleep with you this weekend. (Honestly, this is the answer to most married men questions.)
I love my two boys being four and one, but they are completely incapable of giving their mom a gift.
Which means their mother’s day responsibilties have defaulted on to me. I’m not sure at which age I can relinquish the gift obligation to them, but we’re not close.
How do I know?
Because before 8 or 9 years old any gift is a disaster.
Anyway, this weekend I’ve got my wife and my mother-in-law in the house.
Plus, my own mom.
I think I’m on the hook for three mother’s day gifts.
I can barely buy one.
This weekend is going to be a disaster.
Good luck to all the clueless dads out there buying mother’s day gifts for your wives. Jim Nantz suggests that you give her an oil portrait of yourself.