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All That and a Bag of Mail: Bama Fan Gives Baby To Saban Statue Edition

It’s Final Four weekend, the weather is finally decent, and you’re pretending to work while reading the mailbag. 

Can life get much better? Sure, you could be the Bama fan who took his baby to the Nick Saban statue and offered it up as a sacrifice to ensure that no loss to Gus Malzahn ever happens again. 

Also, life can get even better because you can make more money off my NCAA tourney picks. I’m on a terrific roll betting every NCAA tourney game this year. So far I’m 37-21-3, which has totally blown Todd Fuhrman’s mind. This means I only have three more games to bet. 

What are my picks this weekend?

Kentucky -1.5 and Florida -6.5

Yep, I think we’re headed for an all-SEC title game, this time in basketball. 

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is David Letterman. I grew up watching him. And while I no longer watch any late night television at all, he was, and probably always will be, the best at what he did.   

As always, your questions were outstanding. Here we go. 

Cameron B. writes:

“Ok, one of my best friends from high school recently got engaged. As expected he asked me to be one of his groomsmen. Shortly after we all started asking who the bridesmaids were, hoping there would be some decent looking ones. When my buddy starts listing the names I realized he named a guy. So I stopped him right there and got clarification just to make sure I didn’t hear him wrong. Sure enough, a gay guy is one of the bridesmaids. He then proceeds to tell me I would be the one escorting him down the aisle. What on earth am I supposed to do about this one? There’s no way in hell I’m touching the guy when this happens. Suggestions on how to approach this awkward situation?”

First, this is really funny. Not just that a gay guy would be a bridesmaid — although this has to still be pretty rare — but that you would be the one assigned to him. How did your buddy decide who got the guy? That’s a story by itself. Several of the groomsmen got hot chicks and you got the gay guy? I would have turned this into a Challenge-style event if I was the groom, forcing you all to compete to see who got the hot chicks and who got the gay guy.

If one of your friends was married, I think he’d by default get the gay guy, but you didn’t say you were married. (Giving the only married guy the gay male bridesmaid is yet another reason why none of you should ever get married. Married guys get screwed out of everything at weddings.) So how was this decision made? We need to know. 

Because let’s be honest, the best way to hook up with a bridesmaid is to be assigned to her as a groomsman at the wedding. This gives you plenty of time to meet her in a nonthreatening environment — since every wedding rehearsal seems to take hours, you’ve got lots of time standing side-by-side where you can dazzle her with your wit. And by “dazzle her with your wit,” I mean, of course, make dick jokes while you size up her bosom with your elbow resting awkwardly against her boobs on the practice walks down the aisle. This is where, by the way, watching “The Bachelor,” really pays off. If you have some good Juan Pablo material, she will probably be willing to sleep with you by the end of the wedding rehearsal. 

Second, you have to drop the “I’m not touching the guy,” line. You’re not gay and “the gay” is not contagious. Now some people may think you’re gay — which makes your selection so funny — but so what? A large majority of Alabama fans are convinced I’m really a gay Muslim. The single girls will know you’re not gay, and here’s the deal, if you’re funny at all, I guarantee you can turn getting assigned to the gay guy at the wedding into hook up gold. The young women in the wedding will all love the gay guy. I mean, they have to for him to be a bridesmaid, right? If you’re a straight guy who is so comfortable with his heterosexuality that you can turn the entire thing into a huge joke, you’ll probably be in better shape than any other groomsman by the time everyone gets drunk.

So play it cool and good luck.

Also, I still want to hear from the groom how you ended up with the gay guy bridesmaid.   

Will W. writes:

“Clay,

My friend and I have made a bet, and I really need your ruling on it.

The back story is we grew up together and now I go to South Carolina and he goes to Kentucky. While I don’t consider them our main rival, I still share a mutual disdain for Tennessee with this friend.
Now for the bet. Before the NCAA tournament started, I told him (who, like all other UK fans, is obnoxious and unbearable during basketball season) that if Kentucky won the championship I would dye my hair Vol-orange and wear it that way for the rest of my twenties, clearly hoping they wouldn’t get hot and make a run. I am graduating from college in May and currently trying to find a job, and clearly having bright orange hair would hinder my job search. If Kentucky were to win the national championship do I have a choice but to be a man of my word and dye my hair, or is there another way to settle this bet? My future is most likely bound to your decision.

Note: This friend has red hair and everyone I grew up with made fun of him for this fact more times than can be counted.”

When there’s no mutual obligation on a bet, I don’t think you’re forced to follow through with the bet. 

This is more like reckless hyperbole than it is an actual bet. 

Here, you have to dye your hair orange for the rest of your 20’s — a pretty big deal since no woman has ever wanted to sleep with a red-headed man in the history of America and you’re only 22 — and your Kentucky fan buddy has to continue to be a Kentucky fan. What’s his risk? You can’t get a tremendous betting victory without risking something yourself. And forcing another man to have red hair for eight years is a tremendous betting victory. 

Compromise with this, he gives you a Kentucky basketball jersey and you have to wear it everywhere you go in public for an entire week. Just the basketball jersey, no undershirt. 

See how much your life changes when you’re Kentucky basketball jersey guy for an entire week. I’d be curious to hear the results. 

That seems fair. 

Seth C. writes:

“Clay,

My second daughter is being born this morning (planned C-section) at 7:30. Is it appropriate to watch the NCAA Tournament for the rest of the day after baby and wife are doing okay? Or should there be a strict no TV rule in place? Is it reasonable for my wife to make that request? I mean, she did just complete carrying our child for 9 months.

Thank you for any words of advice you can offer.”

I’m late on this because I didn’t do a mailbag from Las Vegas and forgot about this question beforehand. So apologies for not having an answer. Congrats on the new baby.

Let this answer stand for other dads with pregnant wives who are unsure about watching sports from the hospital on the day your kid is born. In general, I would say that watching the games on the day your kid is born is fine, because, assuming everything goes smoothly with the delivery, nothing really happens once the baby is born. The hospital can be an awfully boring, yet simultaneously overwhelming place to be once your kid is born. You just want to go ahead and get out of there and be back home. Despite what others might tell you, it isn’t remotely restful in the hospital. For some reason they have those couches that turn into beds that dads are supposed to sleep on and those beds are made for men that are five feet tall. Plus, there are nurses coming in at all hours of the day and night. Your adrenaline subsides once the baby is born and you’re starting to realize, “Holy hell, this kid is really going to be with me for the next 18 years.” 

Your baby is probably not going to breastfeed immediately and if it’s your first kid your wife will panic and believe that her nipples are defective. Worse, she might blame you for spending too much time playing with her overgrown pregnant boobs before the baby was born.

It’s all your fault!

So watch the games.  

Anonymous jogger writes:

“Clay,

Last night I was running in the neighborhood and saw a young lady with a flat tire. I offered my assistance as I was already sweaty and she was grateful… (Here is the hard part) her shitty Audi jack broke after I got the flat tire off and BEFORE the new tire went on… She did not realize how not good this was… I told her that I would continue to run home and get my jack come back and knock it out….. Well I had a date (very hot one) at 7:30. By this time it was 7. Instead of going back I got dressed drove by the Audi dealership and told them to go help her….

Moral of the story… Am I going to hell? I assume she is fine, but really have no clue… Thoughts? I did have an awesome dinner and some light groping.

Please no name don’t want get jumped. I’m sure she reads you!”

You’re in the wrong here. 

Once you started to help her change the tire, you had to finish the job. You’re relying on the dealership to go help her out? She might still be sitting by that car with her flat tire and her broken tire jack. Plus, you had a clear opportunity when you jogged back home to call your date and explain why you were going to be late. No woman is going to hold this against you. And if any woman does hold this against you, so be it, that’s a bad draw on your part, you don’t want to date this girl again anyway. (Especially since if it’s a first date she’s probably going to be late anyway).

How much later would you have been if you’d finished the job, a half hour, 45 minutes?

Finally, you said the girl you had the date with was “very hot.” Every guy reading this knows this means that your date was hotter than the girl you were changing the tire for. If the girl you were changing the tire for was hotter, would your decision have been different? Of course it would have, you wouldn’t have driven by the Audi dealership and told them to go help a girl on the street with her flat tire. You would have been back there pronto. And if there wasn’t already some other guy stopped trying to change her tire, you would have gotten that girl’s number after you gallantly changed her tire and then you would have gone on the date with the less-hot girl and told her you were late because you were changing an old woman’s tire in your neighborhood. Believing that you were a trustworthy “nice guy,” she might have allowed more than light groping as a result.

This would have all worked out perfectly for you until you inevitably discovered that the hot girl with the flat tire and the not quite as hot girl you had the dinner date with were sorority sisters in college.

Interlude for some Clay Travis fan mail. 

This is an actual email that Outkick received. 

Name: Clay Travis
Email: ctravis69@fuck.com
Phone: 696969696
City: Dildo
State: Canada
Comments: Fuck yourself you SEC dick rider

I’m not going to lie. Every line on this made me laugh. Especially finding out that Dildo is located in Canada. 

“Colin L. writes:

Hi Clay,

My wife and I live in a pretty nice apartment complex in Franklin. No wild parties, most people in their late 20s, 30s, and 40s. Pretty quiet.

Our apartment is on an end so we only have one shared wall with one another unit. When we moved in, I thought that was great because we’d have minimal noise.

However, the people who live in that unit have insanely loud sex at all hours of night. My wife and I literally woke up this morning at 1:30am to hear somebody getting spanked. Sure sounded like she was enjoying it too. It’s not like we have paper thin walls either! The girl is just one of those people that can’t have sex without basically screaming.

So what’s my next move? If I say something to them, am I being a douchebag? And if I do, how do I do it? I can’t just knock on the door and ask that the spanking be kept to a minimum after about midnight.”

Again, every guy who’s reading this has one immediate thought — how hot is the girl who lives next door to you? And is she married or is it possible that she might be single one day in the near future?

Leaving aside that — very important –question, which can honestly turn this into the hottest or grossest apartment neighbor story in some time, I don’t think you can confront them. That’s just creepy. In my mind you have three options, 1. have your wife notify the other woman in a nonthreatening, just girl talk kind of way. 2. have your own wild sex night to make your neighbors aware of how well the sound carries between your walls. Maybe they mistakenly believe no one else can hear them. 3. Hire an escort for the guy who lives next door and try and get him busted for having sex with another girl, thereby ending the relationship and driving your neighbor celibate for months of morose ice-cream eating. (Although, the reverse could happen and she could start banging random truck drivers and motorcycle riders at all hours of the night).

Good luck.  

Chris B. writes:

“At a bar last weekend watching the Elite 8 games, me and my buddies started a debate and thought you might have the answer. If you are an 18 year old high school basketball standout who is a projected Top 10 NBA pick (Andrew Wiggins). Would it make more sense to go play a year in Europe and make a significant amount of money for any 18 year old or go be a one in done in a place like Lawrence, KS? My argument is go overseas, can you imagine being 18 years old in Athens making great money, it would probably be the best year of your life. My question is why don’t more players do this?”

Can you imagine being 18 years old on a major college campus when everyone knew you were going to the NBA the next year? The amount of sex you could have would rival Bill Clinton’s run as Arkansas governor. Plus, Athens, Greece really? I would rather be 18 in Athens, Georgia than Athens, Greece.

Sure, it would be fun to be in Europe, but lots of college freshmen get homesick going two hours away to college. Across the Atlantic is a big move. And you don’t speak the language or know anyone there. So how much fun will it be playing, “Call of Duty,” with Anders, the 21 year old depressed Greek guy who lives in the apartment next door to you in suburban Athens?

If you were 28 or 38 or 48, I can see how awesome that would be, but as an 18 year old? That seems to be a bit much.  

Having said that, remember Brandon Jennings made that move before he went to the NBA. He played in Europe for a year and then was a first round draft pick. Otherwise, it’s a pretty rare move. That’s because basketball doesn’t make you wait that long to go pro. You just have to spend around seven or eight months on a college campus. That passes in a flash.  

In general, what surprises me about your question is that a minor league for NFL and, to a lesser extent, the NBA hasn’t really developed. The NFL minor league makes the most sense because you have to wait three years to be draft-eligible. Why wouldn’t you offer some of these five-star kids $250k a year to play in your league? Given that lots of guys don’t even end up getting drafted, quite a few would take that guaranteed money. They’d still be able to leave for the NFL after three years, but they would have made money playing football in the meantime.  

Carter M. writes:

“Hey Clay,

As a fan who shares your love of both Game of Thrones and The Americans I too enjoy Keri Russell and Daenarys. The question is , if somehow you had the opportunity and your wife gives you the nonexistent ” hall pass” which one do you choose ? The catch is that no one could know so the popularity of each show shouldn’t matter because you wouldn’t become legendary off of it.”

I’d go Keri Russell over Daenerys. But I don’t even like Daenerys the most of the women on “Game of Thrones.” In a bit of an upset, I’d take Margaery Tyrell, Natalie Dormer, over Daenerys. But after the most recent “The Americans,” episode, how could anyone turn down Keri Russell’s ass? It’s a work of art. 

Anyway, I can’t wait for Game of Thrones to restart.

As a reminder, I’ll be doing a Monday GoT recap column here all season long.  

Have a great weekend, and we leave you with Steve Spurrier couresy of Gamecockology.

August is coming!

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.

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