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All That and a Bag of Mail: Baby Bracket Name Challenge

In the meantime, our beaver pelt trader of the week is this guy, who was pictured at a Cardinals game this week by reader, Grant Guinn.

Stellar. 

On to the mailbag.

Ryan writes:

“I have quite a few buddies who play out on the PGA tour who are single. They tell me stories about how they write their name and number on golf balls and keep them in their bags. When they see a really good looking girl, they have their caddies go over and toss the girl a ball with their info. They have about 100 percent conversion rate with this method. My question to you is what is the best professional sport to play for an athlete to meet quality girls (good looking and intelligent) that aren’t just cleat chasers? I imagine golf has to be near the top of the list. Looking forward to hearing your answer.”

As if I wasn’t jealous enough of single golfers on the PGA Tour already. 

That’s awesome. 

You’d get the highest quality of woman with golf, no doubt. I mean, look at every golfer who wins a tournament. They all have smoke show wives, even the horribly awkward an unattractive ones. 

If I had to rank the pro sports for quality of women — both hotness and intelligence — they attract I’d go like this:

1. Golf

2. Baseball

3. Football

4. Hockey

5. Basketball

Jack G. writes:

“Clay,

Ok so my friend has agreed to get arrested for the crime of my choice if the Bears win the Super Bowl this upcoming season, which honestly isn’t too out of reach with the rocket arm of Jay Cutler. He is a college baseball player at a C-USA school and the crime doesn’t need to be one that will ruin his career or life. A small crime would be ideal but one that would be funny for me like running on an MLB field or something along those lines. I need help deciding here and will probably go with whatever you suggest. Any thoughts here?”

I wouldn’t mess with the criminal justice system because you don’t know who your prosecutor would be. Seriously, you could get crushed for a minor offense if you get the wrong prosecutor. 

I get asked for bet ideas all the time, and the other day I was out at the mall when I passed a cell phone kiosk and genius struck.

The loser has to buy a bedazzled Justin Bieber cell phone case. 

You can decide how long he has to keep his cell phone inside the Bieber case, but for big bets I’d suggest a month or more. 

He’s also not allowed to tell people that he lost a bet. If asked why he has a bedazzled Justin Bieber cell phone case, he has to respond, “He’s just a really talented dude,” keep a straight face, and change the subject.

Seriously, this is the perfect bet.

You can try to top it, but you will fail.  

Jennifer writes:

“Hi Clay,

A couple of months ago, you published something in the mailbag about an Auburn wife who offered her Alabama husband a blowjob every time Auburn won if he would not actively root against Auburn. I was bothered by the line where she said she nearly contracted TMJ due to the success Auburn had. It bothered me because Auburn won 12 games. This means in a span of 15 weeks she gave 12 blowjobs. 2 open dates and 1 loss (I am not counting the BCS title game because there was no win after that loss so the streak ends at the SEC Championship game) means she had a 3 week break and a 2 week break during the season to “rest”.

I have talked to a few girlfriends and my sister and we agree that unless she was offering this in addition to at least one other blowjob during that week, no rest was needed and even joking about TMJ is preposterous. (Although as a fellow Auburn fan, I may have trouble giving a Bama fan a blowjob.) What I’m getting at is – am I the only wife giving at least one blowjob a week with no strings attached? I have been married to my husband for 16 years and been together 20. I still give him a blowjob at least once a week. Am I the minority?

If I am, let me be clear to the other wives out there – Do it. Tonight. Do it without asking for anything in return. Ladies, put his d*** in your mouth and tell me it doesn’t change your life. Don’t wait either. And while you’re at it, don’t schedule things during football season, or on opening day, or during The Masters if it is important to him. Join him or let him go enjoy these things and wait for him to get home, and you will be a lot happier. Just sayin’.”

I think the number of women who have been married for five or more years and give at least one blow job a week is tiny. That would be 52 blow jobs a year. My best guess would be that the average man who has been married for five years or more gets around one blow job a month. That could be low, but I don’t think it is. Again, these are couples that have been married for five or more years. 

I think the number of men who get weekly blow jobs after twenty years of marriage is almost zero. 

Having said that, I’m sure most men who read your email are in complete agreement. 

I do know this, I told my wife that I would never complain or argue with her about anything if she would sleep with me every other night for the rest of our marriage. It didn’t work, but I stand by my statement. For every woman reading this right now, if you promised to sleep with your husband every other night for a year, I think the number of complaints you’d get from your husband would be almost zero. 

I really do.

So am I saying that more sex would cure the world’s problems? Yes, I think I am.  

Dustin T. writes:

“Clay,

I’d like to get your opinion on the DGB situation at Mizzou and how it’s similar or different to the Winston situation last year at FSU.

I’m not extremely familiar with each case but I know you grilled FSU and Winston for their actions last year. It’s seems to me as if DGB’s accusations were less serious than Winston’s yet FSU fans defended Winston, while (most) Mizzou fans want DGB kicked off the team. What’s your take on this? What should Mizzou do?”

The Dorial Green-Beckham case is a total mess for Mizzou. If you aren’t familiar with the details, you can read about it here. Basically DGB was investigated for a variety of potential offenses and no charges were brought because two women chose not to prosecute. The most damning allegation in the story is that according to a text DGB’s girlfriend sent to a friend Mizzou football coaches persuaded DGB’s girlfriend not to press charges against him. The girlfriend later said that the coaches didn’t actually talk to her, they just told DGB to talk to her, but that distinction sounds awfully convenient.

What I always do with college kids is divide the alleged wrongdoings into two categories: 1. stupid college kid stuff and 2. violent offenses. Stupid college kid stuff would be something that your average college kid could get in trouble for regardless of whether or not he’s an athlete. That’s drinking, pot, even a bar fight, just dumb kid stuff that when you look back you could see you or your friends having done while you were in college. I would almost never kick someone out of a school for a category one offense. But category two is made up of violent acts, things that it would have been hard for you to see you or your friends ever being involved in during college. DGB’s behavior in this case falls into number two. Category two behavior deals with things that should never happen on a college campus. And DGB harming multiple women is something that should never happen. Period.

So here’s the real question with DGB, is a top player merely not being charged with a crime the standard you require to represent your university? Can you imagine if DGB did something violent to another Mizzou student after this incident happened? If you’re a Mizzou fan how comfortable are you with DGB representing your university?

I can’t answer that question for you, but I do think we can all agree that if DGB was just an average player, he’d probably have been kicked off the team for this incident, charges or not. But DGB isn’t an average player, he’s got guaranteed first round talent and he’s going to be unstoppable on the field this fall. So he has a different standard than less talented players on the team. 

I love when fans complain because players behave like the rules don’t apply to them. DGB’s not dumb, he knows that the rules don’t apply to him. His teammates with less talent know this too. If I was a Mizzou fan I’d be really bothered by the DGB issues, but I’d be much more bothered by the idea that my coaches are accused of persuading victims of violence not to press charges. That’s a fireable offense for a coach. 

I’ll also say this, unlike Florida State — which was obviously a much more serious allegation — Mizzou fans have not banded together and attacked the victim(s) and claimed she made it all up for attention. At least not that I’ve seen. The way Florida State fans responded to the Jameis Winston investigation is unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. It was totally shameful. The rumors about the woman were rampant — and totally inaccurate — and the collective fan base response was worse than anything I’ve ever seen anywhere. 

The logic basically boiled down to this — Jameis Winston couldn’t have raped that girl because he’s good at football.

That’s terrifying.  

Anonymous writes:

“I really enjoy reading outkick everyday as I “work”. That being said, my boss is also a fan of your site so please do not include my name or email.

I graduated from the University of Alabama and love all things related to the Tide. While reading your dumbest fan base article about Alabama fans, I couldn’t help but laugh as everything was spot on. I was even shaking my head yes as you described the 85% vs the 15%. The question I want to ask is with the recent display of stupidity and violence by the BBN is there any hope for the Kentucky faithful to supplant Alabama as the dumbest fan base? Is there hope for maybe a 1A and 1B scenario? I realize I ask this question in the wake of another Updike driving his crimson F-150 into a waffle house, but I am just looking for any hope that I can find. Also, what do you think would have happened if Alabama had lost any of their recent national championship games? Do you think it would have been as bad in Tuscaloosa at it was in Lexington? I personally thought the Iron Bowl this year would have caused a riot, but I was wrong. Thoughts?”

I have to think about it more as my final revised top ten dumbest fan bases standings are still to come, but Kentucky may have pushed past Alabama to claim the dumbest fan base title with this recent tournament run. Primarily because of this, Kentucky’s the only SEC fan base dumb enough to riot after games. Florida, Alabama, Auburn, Arkansas, Tennessee and LSU have all won college football or basketball titles in the past twenty years. None of these schools have had riots as a result. Yet Kentucky rioted this year even though it lost the title. Two years ago when UK won the basketball title, the Lexington Police Scanner turned into a real life episode of “The Walking Dead.”

Can someone explain why Kentucky does this and no other SEC school does?

I’d love to hear theories. 

William L. writes:

“Clay,

I get my bar results on Tuesday and I feel like it’s a toss-up as to whether or not I passed. What’s the protocol for planning a night of celebration/tears of shame?

Should I schedule a night out with friends and let it play out whether it’s joyous or melancholy?”

Waiting for bar exam results is awful. 

But you know what’s worse — they post everyone’s name on the website so everyone knows if you fail because your name isn’t there. I passed both bar exams and got congratulatory emails before I even knew the exam results were posted. If you’re already working in a firm, it’s a disaster if you fail. Because you have to wait six months to redeem yourself.   

I took two bar exams in back-to-back years, the Virgin Islands and Tennessee. Both were awful experiences, particularly the second one which I took while practicing full time. Do you know how awful studying for the multi-state bar exam is after you’ve already worked a full day in a law firm?

I have two main issues with the bar exam: 1. your multi-state score should last forever, just like the SAT or ACT. It’s a national test, you shouldn’t have to take it multiple times 2. you should find out how easily you passed by. I still have no idea whether I did way too much work or barely skated by. 

Go out drinking regardless of the results. If you don’t pass, you’ll probably end up drinking alone anyway. If you do pass, it will be one of the most fun nights of your life. Either way, I think it’s better to have your friends around.

Tyler F. writes:

“I just started dating this girl. She is in my law school classes. Things are going good, but, naturally, as two future attorneys, we do quibble from time to time. Most of the arguments are not of real import, except for one. She calls bullshit on the pudding strike. Maybe I’m getting the facts wrong, but, I told her you went on a pudding strike while you were practicing in the Virgin Islands, because you could not get NFL games on DirectTV. I told her about the original site, Those Deadly Hippos and everything. That being said, I know you have written about it before, but she says there is no nutritional value in pudding and no one can go weeks on pudding alone. I told her that I think I could do it (she scoffed). I told her that she is a great cook, and maybe that is biasing her. I’ve lived for months at a time eating nothing but bologna sandwiches and ramen (only do half the packet of beef flavor, and throw enough Tony Cachere’s in there til you sneeze and next thing you know it’s October). Anyway, I know you did the pudding strike. But were there some multivitamins in there? Maybe a protein shake every now and then? According to Nutritiondata.self.com, a cup of pudding really isn’t much of anything: 153 calories (45 from fat and who the hell really knows what that means?) a little sodium, two grams of protein, a little calcium, a little iron. Clay, really she wants proof, and I just want to give you another opportunity to celebrate this great victory for mankind in the processed food age. 

Yes, I cheated some. I took vitamins and was allowed to eat a regular lunch or dinner if my work required it. Do you want to go out to dinner with an attorney you’re paying $200 an hour to and have him decline a steak and pull out pudding at a restaurant instead?

For those of you who don’t know, nine years ago I went on a pudding strike.

This is how my online writing career began.  

If the NFL Sunday Ticket had been available in the Virgin Islands, I probably never start writing online. 

Crazy, I know. 

So for all you guys and gals out there who are young and graduating from college or grad school and worried about your first job, know this, you probably won’t keep your first job very long. Be flexible and creative and don’t be afraid to do something that others might think is incredibly stupid. 

Vincent L. writes:

“My buddy’s getting married at the end of the month & we’re having his bachelor party this weekend.

For some odd reason, said buddy refused to go somewhere completely fun like New Orleans or Tunica, so we’re headed to Pembroke, KY, for a weekend of shooting the shit, shooting guns & eating venison on another buddy’s farm. There will be plenty of alcohol but no strippers. What’s a bachelor weekend without strippers? I have googled to little avail.

Because you’re the czar of all czars, a Kentucky Colonel & have a lot of twitter followers in the Bluegrass State, I’m leaning on you for help. Would greatly appreciate it if you can throw this question out on twitter or 3HL. We’re looking for any recommendations of strip clubs in the area. The trashier the better. Also looking for strippers who are down to make house calls.”

I think your play here needs to be getting strippers to make house calls. 

As a veteran of many bachelor parties, if I could do these bachelor parties all over again, I would never go to a strip club for a bachelor party again. I’d have the strippers come to your hotel or house to put on a stripper sex show. It’s infinitely better and actually much cheaper.

You can get two or three girls for an hour or two for much less money than you and all your degenerate friends will end up spending at a strip club.  

Plus, with the Internet, it’s as easy as a Google search. Debating which girl you’re going to pick while drinking is as much fun as a night out at the bar.  

I have no idea where Pembroke, Kentucky is, but I’d think you could find a stripper willing to make a house call.

So that’s my advice.  

Charles D. writes:

“My wife and I are expecting our first child, and we just found out the gender (boy).

So, now we’re both pretty obsessed with the process of coming up with the name.

We’re both big sports fans- but my wife’s first love in that category is basketball, while mine is football. That being said, we’ve decided to approach this through the use of a ‘Baby Name Bracket Challenge.’ The idea occurred to us during March Madness, but we wanted to wait until finding out the gender before pursuing further. This would be where we list all possible options, and assign seeding for each. Names would then be matched up accordingly, and we would sit down and let them play out to determine the winner (or winners, since any runner-ups could be used as a middle name).

Now I’m trying to make sure we’ve covered all of our bases in terms of the scoring system for each match-up. I think I’ve come up with a good system so far, but would appreciate any suggestions.

The names in each matchup would be scored according to multiple categories, with the points assigned being either positive, negative, or zero, on an absolute value of 10 (-10 to 10). Both parents must come to an agreement for each category’s score in each matchup, and where a score cannot be agreed upon, the mean (or median? undecided there) will be assigned. Negotiations are allowed, such as acquiescing on one category’s score decision in return for reciprocation in another.

The categories I’ve come up with so far include;

Strength – Obviously a boy must have a ‘strong name’
Flow – How a name flows; first, middle, last name.
Popularity – How common baby names are is a consideration. We don’t necessarily want our first child to be one of 10 classmates with the same name. Similarly, a name already given to the child of our friends might receive a lower score.
Cultural – This can include various considerations. We’re both southern, so we’d like a good ‘southern name.’ This could also be the category where possible influence from important figures in our university’s history could be used (we’re both Gamecocks). it could also include historical / literary / musical significance of a name.
Familial / Ancestral – This would include considerations such as those names inspired by a grandfather, or even further back in each of our family’s history.
Initials – I can’t stand by a first and middle name that would lead to a questionable set of initials. As an example, I was thinking through a first and middle name the other day that I really liked, then I came to realize the initials would end up being ‘GOD.’ Whether such initials would lead to a negative or positive score on this system is not clear as of yet.”

I’m intrigued by this concept, but I’d take it a step further, you need a committee to select the names. You and your wife should be able to each submit four names, but then you should ask your friends and family to give their best name selection.

So you’d submit eight names and then you’d ask your friends and family for 56 additional names.

Pick 56 people who know you well and have them give their best name choice to you.

Then you seed the names — even better would be seeding the people who are giving the names in advance before you even see the names, your single guy friends are clearly going to be 16 seeds — and see what the result is.

This would be pretty cool.

And congrats on your first kid.  

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.