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All That and a Bag of Mail: Awkward Quarterback Picture Edition

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 This Jay Cutler photo is glorious. 

Absolutely, positively glorious. 

Everything about it is perfect. 

That’s why whoever took this photograph is our beaver pelt trader of the week. 

Here are the nine things I love the most about this picture. 

1. Cutler’s hair. 

How is it possible for hair to naturally do this?

It’s all puffy and slanted to the left. Take a break from working — it’s Friday you’re not really working anyway — and try to make your hair do this without using any gel or hairspray product. 

It’s impossible. 

Which means Cutler had to choose to style his hair like this before he took the Yorkshire Terrier for a walk. 

2. The dog. 

Look at the dog’s face, even he looks angry. 

The dog looks like he’s thinking, “Even I hate being a part of this relationship. My eyes can’t unsee what I see every day.”

3. The pants.

How are these oversized pants more comfortable than athletic shorts? Or pants that actually fit?

Also, what size are these pants?

Cutler is around 6’3″ and 220 pounds.

Yet these pants appear to be made for a 7 foot 400 pound man. 

What’s the actual market for these? And where can you find them?

When you die can they be used as huts in Africa?

I’m just filled with questions about these pants.  

4. The middle finger.

Yep, that’s Cutler in a single image for you.

Here’s Cutler in a single anecdote: His dad dropped off his Broncos playbook at the team facility after he was traded to the Bears.

His dad.  

5. The chic, trendy, yuppie locale in the background.

Look at the backdrop here, it looks like Japan without the geishas.

Manicured bonsai tree like shrubs, a door with bars on it that’s supposed to make you think — oh, this is the dangerous city — when in reality the only crime that has taken place on this block is what people are paying for street cocaine in the inevitable Asian fusion restaurant. The trendy city brick that’s designed to look older than it actually is. The brand new pavement that doesn’t even have any bubble gum stains yet.

I mean, this is the perfect antiseptic, yuppie locale for Cutler to be flicking off the camera from. (And it’s probably where your wife would want to buy a place in Chicago too.)  

6. He looks incredibly fat.

Not that a quarterback needs to have 8% body fat or less, but what has Cutler been doing all offseason? And who does he eat with? Kristin Cavalliari probably eats 400 calories a day. Even pregnant she probably eats 600. 

Yet, he looks like your friend with the drinking problem who orders jalpeno poppers every morning at 3 AM after stumbling home from the bar. (If you’re not sure which friend this is, it’s probably you).

Sebastian Janikowski saw this picture and said, “Ja, what is Jay’s number? We need to hang out.” 

7. The dog’s leash appears to have a pink mace sprayer connected to the handle. 

Again, for what?

Look at this neighborhood. 

There is no crime here. 

Kristin Cavallari could jog though this neighborhood topless with $100 bills pasted over her nipples and what would people talk about when they got home after seeing this, “The line was soooo long at Whole Foods today. My guava shake is not even cold anymore?”

8. The tennis shoes.

If you’re over the age of 30 and you spend more than $200 for tennis shoes, no one likes you.   

Except for other guys who also spend $200 on tennis shoes. 

Fist pound, that new Kangol hat is awesome.  

9. This is what marriage eventually looks like no matter who you end up marrying. 

Kristin Cavallari is smoking hot. 

No one can dispute this. 

Yet Jay Cutler, one of the 16 best quarterbacks in our nation’s past time, is out walking her dog looking like this. 

Now on to All That and a Bag of Mail:

Dave writes: 

“There are lots of good SEC quarterbacks coming back in 2012. Now that Stephen Garcia is gone, which one is the most likely to get arrested during the summer?” 

It’s possible — potentially even probable — that there are three first round quarterbacks in the SEC this year. 

That’s Tyler Wilson, Tyler Bray, and Aaron Murray. (And don’t sleep on A.J. McCarron either, I think he’s going to be a complete stud this year and will have to make a decision on whether to come out early as well. So there could be four first round caliber QBs).

Toss in Zach Mettenberger at LSU, Connor Shaw at South Carolina, James Franklin at Mizzou and you’re talking about half the conference with bona fide stud quarterbacks. 

And then you’re talking about these same quarterbacks all on campus during the summer when all you really have to do is take easy classes, hang out by the pool, and chase hot girls.

(Raise your hand if you just read that previous sentence and sighed. My hand’s up).  

So, not suprisingly, the summer is when everybody gets in trouble in college football. 

No matter who you root for someone on your favorite team is getting arrested this summer. But which quarterback is most likely to get arrested?

Here are my rankings.

1. Zach Mettenberger

I have no idea how Mettenberger got kicked out of Georgia for partying too much but has somehow stayed eligible at LSU. That’s like getting kicked out of BYU and becoming an honor student at UNLV. He’s got to be number one on this list.

2. Tyler Bray

Late at night Derek Dooley has to sometimes stare at the ceiling and think, “My coaching career is resting almost entirely on Tyler Bray’s decision making.”

Because it is.  

3. A.J. McCarron

Anyone who gets this tattoo is capable of making extremely bad decisions. 

4. Aaron Murry

Probably should be ranked higher since every player on Georgia’s roster is likely to be arrested at least once between now and September 1. 

5. Tyler Wilson

Be honest, Arkansas fans, given what already happened in spring practice you halfway expect to find out that Wilson is running an Ozark meth ring, don’t you?

6. James Franklin

He has an injured shoulder that he’s supposedly rehabbing. Which means if Franklin gets in a bar fight, it’s basically the dumbest thing he could choose to do.

How often did you do the dumbest thing you could possibly do in college?

Yeah, this could definitely happen.  

7. Connor Shaw

If Shaw gets arrested, Gamecock fans should just give up on having a quarterback with a clean arrest record. Instead of going after five stars, y’all should look for five felony quarterbacks.   

Anonymous writes:

Can you convince my wife that it’s okay to have sex in the same room that our baby is sleeping in? She’s not willing to do this right now, but she listens to the radio show and reads your site and has agreed to let you decide things because she trusts your opinion. Clearly, she has issues. Please don’t include even my first name if you decide to answer this question.

Look, if you have a young baby you have to be willing to have sex in the same room as the baby.

Here’s why. 

The baby is never going to remember his mom going reverse cowgirl at 7:30 in the morning before you both go to work in the morning. Hell, you’re both sleep deprived neither of you will remember this by nine either.  

Much to all parent’s chagrin, no babies remember the first three years or so of their lives when they were really, really damn difficult to take care of.

So they forget the sex, but they also forget all your hard work. And you have no clue what your own parents did until you’re old enough to have kids of your own. 

That’s why when you grow up you never think you were that hard to take care of, because you only remember when you were able to make decisions on your own. You don’t remember when you refused to change out of your pajamas one day and the house turned in to London amidst the blitz. You don’t remember when you first ate using a spoon and the table and floor looked like an outtake from the movie “Seven.” You don’t remember when your dad took you to Disney World and stood in line to get Chip and Dale’s autograph with you for an hour in the broiling sun.

You remember none of it.

So the least a parent can do is take advantage of this and have sex while the baby is in the same room. 

And if you doubt that, here is a lion trying to eat a baby at the zoo. 

Which the baby will not remember at all. 

@deaconforgod, really, Tweets:

“What will Derek Dooley be doing in 2013?”

He’s really going to only have three options:

a. television

b. Nick Saban staff flunky. 

c. male catalog model

Can you imagine Dooley in the J.C. Penney’s catalog? He would dominate there. Pretty soon Dillard’s would be drooling and Dooley could get them bidding against each other and make an absolute killing as a male catalog model. (By “absolute killing” I mean $28,000 a year).

But I think he’ll opt for television for a year, be much better at it than he was as a head coach, and never return to coaching. 

Money, sigh, will not be an issue since if Dooley is fired after year three he will pocket $11 million over those three years, making him the second highest paid coach in the SEC behind Nick Saban.

If Dooley could coach as well as he negotiated contracts he’d be Bear Bryant by now.

The Georgia Law School should induct him in to the hall of fame. If they don’t have a law school hall of fame, hell, Dooley can afford to endow it now.  

@mikeag96 Tweets:

Compare and contrast Jim Delany with Fidel Castro.

Is there any doubt that the Big Ten is the equivalent of one of those 1950’s era cars that still run in Havana?

Both have speed issues and are constantly being buffed back to a mere shell of their glory days. 

Great question, though. 

Both men are likely to admire Hugo Chavez and spend ample time drinking whiskey on banana plantations. Both men have blamed external villains rather than their own internal issues for a rapid decline in power. Just as Castro has fixated on United States policy as the reason for his country’s ills so too has Delany focused on the SEC as the reason for his conference’s struggles.  

Castro dresses better, is smarter, and upheld a failing regime with greater political flexibility. Castro has dodged hundreds of assassination attempts, whereas no one has tried to kill Delany but the Rose Bowl would pull a ‘Weekend at Bernie’s” if necessary to keep Delany in office even if he died.

Both men consistently release plans that make life in their respective domiciles, an island and college football, less efficient and more confusing.  

What if the Rose Bowl had been founded in Havana instead of Los Angeles?

Is there any doubt the Big Ten would still insist on playing the game there?

Meet football diplomacy.  

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.

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