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All That and a Bag of Mail: Auburn Tattoo Edition

The mailbag’s here so all you slackers can stop pretending to work. 

I also apologize that it’s late today — you guys are blowing me up on Twitter and email for being late today — because I’m on the west coast and went out last night where, and this is completely true, I recognized Jack, the gay guy from Dawson’s Creek, out at the bar. 

No one else had any idea who he was.

Except for me.  

Yes, I’ve seen every Dawson’s Creek episode. 

And I’m not ashamed of that fact either. You try and stop watching that show once the Dawson and Pacey and Joey love triangle got rolling.

So on to the mailbag. 

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is this reporter who asked Nick Saban about AJ McCarron’s SI cover. 

A ton of you on email and Twitter, “So what happens with the Jameis Winston case now from a sports perspective?”

It’s a huge mess and the sports angle here is infinitely less significant than the criminal angle.

But the reason this is a story for sports fans is because of the sports angle. 

I think, barring a complete clearing by the prosecutor in his investigation, Winston has probably lost the Heisman at this point.

But the Heisman, while a big deal, pales in comparison to the BCS angle here. 

We don’t know the exact timeframe on when the prosecutor is going to make his decision, but if Winston wasn’t eligible to play he’s worth 9-10 points to the FSU team in the Vegas line. That’s massive. Even if FSU somehow finished undefeated pollsters would have to vote someone else into the BCS title game.

Otherwise Nick Saban gets a month to prepare for a third string quarterback. 

Can you imagine this mess, pollsters having to assess Winston’s felony charges — could he plea down before the game or not? — to decide whether to keep FSU ranked ahead of undefeated Baylor and Ohio State?

Welcome to college football. 

Oscar writes:

“Question: has any fan base (Harvey Updyke and Alabama included) ever done anything even remotely as despicable as the FSU fanbase plastering the Winston alleged victim’s name and picture all over Noles message boards? It’s not even worth speculating which other fanbases would do the same thing under these circumstances…It doesn’t matter. FSU fans, confronted with an awful, bigger-than-football situation, are behaving hatefully and shamefully.”

No, it’s been awful.

The number of tin hat conspiracy theories that have been thrown my way on Twitter and email are also insane. Otherwise non-idiotic people are just crushing this girl and her motives because, ultimately, it benefits their football team to do so.

I wish I could count all the people who said that because Jameis Winston was tall and the police report height was short, he couldn’t have raped this girl. 

Most fans are completely unable to be objective, in any form or fashion, when it comes to their favorite teams. Generally that lack of objectivity can be funny because it usually doesn’t implicate anything that serious. But in a case like this?

It’s just baffling.

Seriously, just wait for my Twitter mentions if Winston isn’t charged with rape, FSU fans will gloat over the fact that their quarterback wasn’t charged with raping another student after an extensive investigation.

Seriously, they’ll gloat like they just won the BCS title.  

Compare how FSU fans have reacted to this investigation with how Vandy fans dealt with the fall out from their rape case this summer. Vandy notified the Nashville police who spent weeks investigating the on-campus incident thoroughly, not one person called into our show or Tweeted me to impugn the girl’s motives, the girl involved in the case has never been publicly identified — she remains enrolled in the school and has faced no issues from her fellow students, Vandy immediately dismissed all four players from school before they’d even been charged, and Commodore fans were appalled that a case like this could even be investigated on their campus.

FSU fans have behaved the exact opposite in all respects.   

Melissa O. writes:

“I moved to Atlanta the year A&M announced we were moving to the SEC. I was suddenly blessed with away games at Ole Miss, Auburn, and (best weekend of my life) Alabama. I immediately fell in lust with every khaki pants, button up wearing, SEC boy I laid eyes on. My question is, do you think Katherine Webb asked AJ to put his shirt on the first time they made sweet Alabama love? Because if I went home with a boy with a Jesus tattoo on his chest, I’m immediately calling my mother to find me a rehab clinic for anything. A chest tattoo with ‘bama boy’ script is never a turn on. Maybe it’s my Texas upbringing, let me know.”

I’d imagine seeing AJ’s tattoo for the first time was incredibly jarring for Webb.

She thinks she’s dating a proper, preppy Southern boy and then AJ has the same tattoo as the Waffle House late night shift cook.

I suspect Webb tries to pretend the tattoo doesn’t exist and encourages him to engage in amorous activity while wearing a t-shirt.

Basically, she treats AJ like a fat kid at the beach who leaves his shirt on to convince everybody that he’s actually not fat. She pretends the tattoo doesn’t exist.   

Tim.dodson68@gmail.com writes:

“Your ass backwards name says it all! Your thinking and thought process as well as your logic are as equally ass backwards as your name! You’re obviously some p.o.s., couldn’t make as an attorney, asshole who decided it would make more sense to write bullshit “articles” to piss people off. Trust me, I get it, you’re a loser who’s found a niche and a way to make a living at it.

That doesn’t mean sh*t to me and as far as I’m concerned you can go kill yourself! #dickhead”

He got me GOOD. 

Once I was named Clay Travis it was a foregone conclusion that I’d be a huge loser who needed to go kill myself. 

Let me just say this, “making it as an attorney,” is not difficult. 

Once you have a law degree, provided you avoid committing felonies, you can “make it as an attorney,” for the rest of your life. 

Just about every smart attorney I know has spent most of his or her time that they’re actually practicing law trying to find a way not to practice law. 

The less likely you are to be able to pass the bar exam, the more likely you are to believe that being an attorney forever is a life goal of most attorneys.

Newsflash, it isn’t.  

Love the hashtag here too.

Via an email tipper who is probably buddies with this guy because he doesn’t want his name used:

This is what happens when you go to Panama City Beach, go drinking, and can’t stop thinking about the Iron Bowl rivalry.”.

Quoth the guy who posted this pic on Twitter. 

“My mom just asked me what we did in PCB.”

General rule: If you’re making a voluntary decision that requires a total stranger to shave off your butt hair, you need to reexamine your thought process. 

Megan M. writes:

Hey Clay,

“My husband and I love reading OKTC. As an Auburn grad married to part of the 15%, I was beyond excited that Bama had the top spot in the “dumbest fan bases” countdown. We were out with friends last weekend, and you became the topic of conversation. We are all in the same age bracket and our kids are around the same age as your kids. It got us wondering, how concerned is your wife about your safety and the safety of your family? Your articles are hilarious, but they clearly touch a nerve with the insane Bama fans (the 85%), Arkansas fans, and WVA fans to name a few. While most of the comments/twitter mentions just further justify why their fan base was chosen for your list, some of the others are just plain scary. If my husband was receiving threats on a weekly basis, it would make me uneasy (he probably wouldn’t even think twice about it), so I was curious what your wife’s stance is on this issue.

Megan (who is clearly stuck in 1999 with her aol email address)”

She insists that I have a substantial life insurance policy and she wants to move to a gated community.

While I get a lot of Twitter hate, I have never had a single negative word said to my face.

Not once.

It’s the exact opposite, actually. Everyone I meet in public professes love for Outkick, the radio shows, the books, and whatever else I’m doing. 

And it’s not like I’m hiding from the general public, I’m out and about everywhere. Hell, we did the radio show live from a gas station on Wednesday.  

My theory has always been that you can’t stop crazy.

Also, that anonymous trash talk actually turns into effusive praise in person. Think about it, if you’re a big enough pansy to rip someone on Twitter or Internet message boards, do you actually have the balls to say anything negative in real life?

Definitely not. 

(By the way, Erin Andrews still has an AOL email address too, by the way. So you’re in good company there.)

Ishtiaque H. writes:

Clay,

“From one gay Muslim to another, you’ve got to think, Deandre Hopkins’ quote of ‘Those are not my genitals’ has to be one of the greatest sports quotes ever. What can make this situation any more hilarious than it already is? Maybe a teammate saying ‘I’ve seen his in the locker room. That definitely is not his.’ Thoughts?”

For those who aren’t aware, Houston Texans wide receiver Deandre Hopkins posted a picture of a penis on his Instagram account and then claimed it wasn’t his penis. 

Some people find awkward situations and tiptoe away from them. I find awkward situations and try to make them more awkward. 

So I would have loved to be able to follow-up on this quote and treat this incident like it was a cross examination. 

The more questions you ask about a penis pic on Instagram the funnier it gets. 

Imagine the follow-up questions here, “Well, it it isn’t your penis, Deandre, whose penis is it?”

“You say it isn’t your penis, is it your hand in the picture?”

“Why do you think someone would hack your Instagram account and post a picture of their penis?”

“Since it isn’t yours, does the penis look familiar at all?”

If these questions were all delivered with the intensity of Tom Cruise’s character in, “A Few Good Men,” — YOU CAN”T HANDLE THE PENIS TRUTH — it would be even better. 

Jason writes:

“Clay,

Earlier this week my girlfriend went through a minor meltdown because the haircut she got Tuesday ended up cutting way too much off. I didn’t really help the situation because when I first saw it I chose to reply with “oh that’s still a regular hair length.” So now I’ve found myself in the doghouse and I think you are the only one who can help me out. I’m asking you as a married gay Muslim to help me convince my girlfriend that the average male really only notices 4 hair lengths for a woman.

1) the crazy girls who buzz their heads to seem edgy

2) the girls who have shorter hair that’s about shoulder length

3) the girls who have regular hair not too short and not too long just regular

4) the girls who haven’t washed or cut their hair in 8 years and it’s now down past their butt

When my girlfriend walked into the salon and when she left she was in the regular category. Am I insensitive or just male?”

Just male. 

Women obsess over their hair in a way that men don’t really understand. My life is one long series of awful hair cuts. So I’ve grown used to the recognition that my hair will grow back out and I’ll repeat the process. But women don’t ever have this realization.

That’s why women get so mad when we don’t notice when they change their hair color or get a subtle change.

It’s a big deal to them, but it doesn’t really matter to us.

My wife, by the way, got her hair done for the Justin Timberlake concert.

I doubt Justin noticed . 

Kenny writes:

“So Brian Wilson recently turned down the Yankees because he would have to shave his beard. Since that moment I’ve been thinking about what kind of job it would take for me to shave my beard. All I could be certain about was President. As a bearded gentleman yourself, what would it take for you to shave your beard and keep it clean for a job?”

It’s not so much shaving the beard that I’d miss, it’s that once you shave the beard you’re obligated to shave every morning. 

And shaving is a barbaric process.

Why do we do it? 

I don’t know about most of y’all, but I don’t do anything else every morning that can lead to bloodshed.

Not one thing.

The first thing they tell you to do when you decide to run for office is shave your beard. That’s because clean-shaven men are considered more trustworthy. There’s no way I’d shave my beard to run for elective office.

So I really can’t think of any job I’d take if it required me to shave my beard and keep it off for a job.  

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.