Okay, it’s mailbag time.
Apologies that we’re late today, my flight was delayed this morning and I’ve been waiting for the WIFI on the plane ever since then.
I’m writing now and convinced that at some point the computer is going to suddenly freeze and I’m going to lose the entire mailbag.
So fingers crossed that doesn’t happen and if there are more typos than usual that’s why.
Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Kliff Kingsbury. Kingsbury was so hot last night I think he convinced the Big 12 officials to purposely tank the game for him. They just couldn’t resist his smoldering stares.
With the Alabama and Texas A&M game just a day away, you’re probably psyched beyond belief for kickoff.
Hopefully your wife doesn’t remind you about the couples shower you have that starts at the same time.
This. Poor. Bastard.
Every man on Earth has thought of these same excuses. Really, a couples shower? Now both sexes have to suffer?
“Are other people with penises going to be there?” is a great line.
This is just cruel and inhumane treatment from his wife.
John K. writes:
“There’s a Johnny Cam for CBS’s game this weekend, what other cams would you like to see?”
I would rather see Johnny Manziel after the game than I would during the game. Especially if Texas A&M wins. In fact, what would you pay for a Johnny Cam for the twelve hours after the game? From the moment Manziel walks out of the stadium to the moment he actually goes to bed?
Would you pay $50 for this?
There’s gotta be hundreds of thousands of people who would pay for this too, right? I’d rather buy this than the Mayweather fight.
I don’t really want to watch if A&M loses, but if they win? This is a potential goldmine.
Can you imagine how entertaining this would be?
As for other cams, Les Miles needs a reality show. I would pay to watch Les unedited. I feel like Steve Spurrier would also be pretty extraordinary. As for other players, Stephen Garcia would have been unbelievable back in the day. Marshall Henderson right now in Ole Miss would be extraordinary.
I don’t really care about the on-field cams, we see most of that already, I want the off-field stuff.
Anonymous girlfriend writes:
“After my boyfriend of two years and I (both South Carolina grads) watched the horrendous game against Georgia last week, we were on our way home and started a little argument that led to a much bigger fight (go figure). My question is this, what do you think the percentage is of couples getting into heated arguments after their team’s loss? Does this percentage increase if both parties graduated from an SEC school?
Finally I just want to say that I’ve really been enjoying College Saturday on Fox Sports 1. Really good content and analysts to discuss college football.”
On any given SEC saturday I would say that about half of all couples, married or otherwise, get into fights relating to the game, tailgating, drinking, travel, tickets, kid responsibilities, you name it.
An SEC football game is basically life on steroids and all big life events lead to more fights. There’s not a man or woman reading this right now who hasn’t gotten into a fight surrounding a wedding, either your own or someone else’s.
Losing a big game definitely escalates the likelihood of a fight.
In fact, every person reading this right now has definitely gotten into a fight with a signficant other on a football weekend.
Every bar in college always had a crew of girls with make-up ruined crying on the steps outside. The mascara-streaked crying sorority girl is as much of a gameday tradition as the way your favorite team enters the field.
Skip B. writes:
Please settle this bar argument. Assume for a moment children under the age of 10 are forever banned from playing tackle football. As a result, football is dead on the vine and by 2035 is no longer played in this country. The question is what sports would these kids focus on instead and are there ones we don’t excel in internationally now that we would start to dominate?”
I don’t think there’s any doubt that two sports would benefit the most if football collapsed — soccer and lacrosse.
Soccer would benefit the most because every kid would play soccer. As a result we’d have hundreds of millions of potential soccer stars.
I suspect baseball and basketball would also be helped just because it’s not like kids are going to stop playing sports.
I think lacrosse would get much more popular because it would become the next most physical sport available for kids to play.
The idea of youth football drying up sounds farfetched, but fifty years ago if I’d told you that hardly anyone would allow their kids to box anymore, would you have believed that? Things can change quickly in sports, particularly now, yet we still get surprised by how quickly the world evolved.
You’d think we would have learned by now.
“So I’ve always jokingly told my wife that if she could have sex with Johnny Manziel, I would want her to. Let’s face it. As much as I would like to have my own offspring to carry on my genes, the traits of short, small hands, ability to retain vast knowledge of our financial and accounting system isn’t exactly a bread winning gene pool. Sure my kid can grow up, be a partner at a CPA firm, but I would love to see my “kid” light it up athletically.
So I’ve come to the conclusion that if Johnny Manziel was to offer to impregnate my wife for $50,000 I would take that offer in a heart beat. I’ve also assigned various prices I would be willing to pay for other athletes.
Shaq – $45,000
Jordan – $75,000
LeBron – $100,000
I’m wondering if you had the chance, what would your price be?”
This question is phrased so interestingly.
Because it could be read to ask me what my sperm would cost if I decided to sell it. Considering I can barely get my own wife to sleep with me, I can’t imagine there’s much market demand for my sperm out there.
I do have good test scores and I’m six feet tall. But according to my own wife my best physical attribute is that I’m “smart and funny.”
I think she left off my hair.
I have great hair.
But you do ask an interesting question, couldn’t athletes make tens of millions of dollars by selling their sperm?
I mean, we do it with horses and a top horse is much less valuable than a top athlete.
I’d think there would be a huge market.
This doesn’t even consider single women who have decided, often correctly, that the men they could procreate with are all losers.
Why wouldn’t they just all select the smartest, best looking, most athletic sperm available? Wouldn’t society ultimately benefit?
The even more interesting question is, what happens when everyone’s DNA code can be pieced together and we know what causes what athletic and mental traits. What if you could take Stephen Hawking’s intellect, Warren Buffet’s financial acumen, LeBron’s athleticism, and George Clooney’s looks and roll it all into one package?
What would that sell for?
Get ready, it’s coming.
By the time we all have grandchildren scientific advancements are going to be totally wild.
Mark E. writes:
“I had this conversation with a few friends and we would like your input. Oregon installed a barber shop in their new football facility. This got us thinking, do Oregon players get free haircuts now? What would stop Alabama or any other program from topping Oregon and installing a tattoo parlor for example in their new facility? I bet free tattoos would attract a few recruits.
Are there any restrictions on what kinds of things programs can have in their facilities or what the kids can get as an athlete?”
For instance, lots of schools have smoothie bars in the weight room, unlimited food and drink, you name it from a culinary angle.
If the haircuts are free — and I’m not sure whether they are or not — is that considered grooming? Could you add a full spa? Pedicure and manicure stands? Where’s the line drawn between a proper and improper benefit when it’s provided by the school?
I have no idea.
There have to be restrictions — for instance you could probably provide massages, but you couldn’t provide massages with happy endings from hostesses unless you were Oklahoma State or Tennessee — but where is the exact line drawn between permissible and impermissible?
Michael W. writes:
You seem like a smart guy, so can you list one logical reason why the Jacksonville Jaguars don’t sign Tim Tebow? Being an Alabama Graduate living in Knoxville, TN I have no dog in the fight, but it blows my mind how they don’t see the business value in the move. Enlighten me?”
From a business perspective there are zero reasons why the Jags wouldn’t sign Tebow.
They suck already.
How much worse could Tebow make them than Blaine Gabbert?
I’ve been arguing this for years. They’d definitely sell many more seats with Tebow. Would they win more games? Probably not. But they’d at least sell some tickets.
Jon G. writes:
What if Texas A&M were still in the Big 12? How would last year’s season have played out for the Aggies and Johnny Football?
If A&M was still in the Big 12, I think the Aggies would have gone undefeated and played Alabama for the BCS title last year.
The only wrinkle here is if A&M lost a game early in the season to an inferior foe because they hadn’t quite gelled yet. For instance, A&M lost to Florida. If the two had played in November, I don’t think there’s any way Florida would have beaten the Aggies. So it’s possible someone in the Big 12 could have upset A&M early in the season.
Graham J. writes:
“I saw an absurd headline on ESPN that said Mayweather is bringing in $41.5 million for a fight. For ONE fight! I remember ya’ll talking on 3HL about not letting your children box at all because of the concussion issue. So it got me thinking… hypothetically, how much would it take for you (or the average person do you think) to get in the ring with Mayweather or Pacquiao for a fight? Just one fight. And let’s say you get a week to train for it with the top trainer in the world. For me, I would jump in for no less than $500K. The way I see it, I’m essentially getting $500K just to get knocked out once.Sure it’ll hurt for a little while but I think I could manage.
Now let’s up the ante. How much to get in the ring with Tyson or Holyfield in the prime of their career? For me, that would jump up to at least $5 million because Tyson or Holyfield would probably kill me with a single punch so I would want to make sure my wife and child would have enough money after I’m dead. Thoughts? I always appreciate the opinion of a gay muslim!”
Okay, first, training for a week is just laughable. Unless your training is just what position to adopt to accept as little punishment as possible before getting knocked out, it’s worthless.
Things are going well for me right now financially and my brain working fast is basically my only asset so I’d be really reticent about doing this.
Sure, the odds are probably low that you’d get brain damage from one round of one bout, but it’s a massive risk to take. What other asset do I have?
Mayweather’s not that big. I mean, I know he would beat my ass badly, but I wouldn’t be as concerned about him injuring me forever because he’s comparatively small. So I’d probably fight Mayweather for $50 million. Not much less than that though.
As for Tyson and Holyfield in their primes, I don’t think there’s any amount of money I’d accept to fight them.
Especially not if you told me I couldn’t just drop to the ground as soon I was hit the first time. Because that would clearly be my strategy, take a light jab and take a dive.
If you made me actually fight until I was knocked out, I mean, what do I want to do now that I can’t afford? It’s not like I need a jet and an island to be happy. Plus, if my brain stops working my wife is going to divorce me and take half of everything anyway. She’ll probably try and marry Kliff Kingsbury. I wouldn’t blame her.
It’s a good question though.
Don’t underestimate the impact that one punch’s damage could do to a person like me or you that hasn’t trained an entire life to absorb these punches.
In general, I don’t think anyone should fight a professional fighter for anything less than fifty times your yearly income. And even then, if you don’t make much money you probably need to bump it up. Say you make fifty thousand a year, are you really going to risk your future for $2.5 million?
You might be like me and just decide it isn’t worth it at all.
Grant G. writes:
What do you think – could something like that work? Would fans/students/alumni support their team more or less? Wouldn’t there be more interest (and higher ratings) from outside of their core fanbase if they had some of the top recruits in the country who signed lavish contracts to bypass the NCAA?”
I think this makes a ton of sense.
There are obviously tons of details to work out — your team would have to be for-profit, for instance. How do ticket sales work, who do you play? But if the goal was just to create the best minor league football team possible — don’t kid yourselves that’s what college football is — this would seem like a great plan.
Honestly, I don’t understand why minor leagues competing with the NFL haven’t eliminated all age restrcitions and tried to sign the top five stars in the country.
If you offered kids $100k a year for three years and then allowed them to enter the NFL draft, wouldn’t that be attractive to some athletes.
Why even go through the charade of school or worrying about accepting improper benefits?