All That and a Bag of Mail

COLUMBIA, MO – SEPTEMBER 17: Jacob Eason #10 of the Georgia Bulldogs drops back for a pass against the Missouri Tigers in the first quarter at Memorial Stadium on September 17, 2016 in Columbia, Missouri. (Photo by Ed Zurga/Getty Images) *** Local Caption *** Jacob Eason Ed Zurga

It’s Friday, time for the mailbag!

And it’s a particularly spectacular Friday because if you listened to me you’re all swimming in cash thanks to Twitter stock being up over 20% so far this morning. 

What a way to start the weekend. 

Here we go with the mailbag. 

G. writes:

“I have to give a best man speech for my oldest brother’s wedding in November. This is my first time doing a best man speech and pretty much my first time ever public speaking. I’m shitting my pants. I figured you, being someone who is apparently good at everything you do (including pants sales now), could maybe give me some pointers.

If you have a one liner you’d want to share privately, that would be just fucking awesome. I’m sure a handful of the attendees will be Outkick readers.

Thanks in advance for hopefully saving my ass.”

Okay, this is advice for anyone who has ever had to give a best man’s speech or speak at a wedding in general. 

Follow this framework and don’t deviate and you’ll be fine:

1. Say when you first met the groom and discuss something incredibly dumb he used to do or believe.

DO NOT MAKE THIS STORY THAT MAKES FUN OF HIM A FELONY OR ABOUT PAYING FOR SEX IN AMSTERDAM OR SOMETHING THAT IS REALLY RISQUE.

Just make fun of him in a way that would make his mom laugh.

2. Discuss the first time you saw the couple together.

Hopefully you can recall something that your buddy said about the girl that didn’t involve her tits and ass or wanting to bang her. (Note, he primarily talked about her tits and ass and wanting to bang her, but that isn’t for the best man toast.)

Although, I would love to see a totally honest best man’s toast just once. “So then the first time John met Lauren he was like. “Have you seen her tits? No way those are real, right? And did you see that ass in those jeans? Do you think she’s into anal?”

NOT THE TIME FOR HONESTY.

Pivot from the first time you saw them to now and say that he outkicked his coverage, even if he didn’t. Even if the best looking guy alive is marrying the ugliest girl that was ever born, she’s much better looking than him on their wedding day.

3. Wish them well and say that there is no one on earth better for him.

Note: you say this even if it isn’t true. Again, best man toasts aren’t the time for honesty. 

4. Do all of this in under four minutes.

Time yourself while standing in front of a mirror to ensure that you don’t go longer than this.

If you’re too dumb to remember all of this, here’s the formula in an even simpler format. 

How you met groom leading into funny story making fun of groom + how he meets his wife + story about how perfect they are together + how much better looking she is than him + being happy forever after and how there is no one on earth better for him.

Just tell a simple story — how boy meets girl and now they’re going to live happily ever after.

That’s what all good toasts are made of.

Ashton writes:

“What’s the over/under on the amount of poon that Jacob Eason gets for the next 3 years at UGA?”

It’s infinite poon.

I’m not even kidding about this, the amount of sex that Jacob Eason can have at Georgia is the amount of sex that Jacob Eason wants to have at Georgia.

He’s going to have the strongest groin on earth.

I can just hear Verne Lundquist saying, “How in the world did he pull out of that tackle? Look at him rotate his hips! My. Goodness!”

And then Gary Danielson’s like, “Boy, that’s a lot of time in the weight room, Verne.”

Right. 

By the time he lives Georgia Jacob Eason’s pelvic thrusts are going to be able to break a block of granite. 

Blake writes:

“I’m a student at the University of Tennessee. I requested a ticket for the Florida game. I didn’t get one. Do I pay $300 for a regular seat or just stew about not getting one for $10 and watch it on TV? I’m having trouble getting homework done with this crisis in my life.”

Here are two options, both of which will work.

1. Go tailgate and wait until ten minutes after the game starts.

The ticket price will plummet on the street.

My guess is you can get in for under $100, which isn’t cheap, but it’s not bad either.

2. Alternative move, pay two really hot girls $50 each to walk around with a sign that says, “We need tickets.”

They will get two awesome tickets for free.

Then one of the hot girls goes to the game with you, the other one gets $100.

Bang, everybody wins.

John writes:

“I’m a 20 year old college student at a school in the South. Just like any other guy my age, my hormones are raging, and just about any woman with a pulse seems like a good idea. I’m a nursing major with 7 guys in a cohort of 80 students. I’ve always heard that it’s never a good idea to bang your co-workers, so here’s my question. I have a classmate (smoking hot blonde) who I know wants to bang. To bang or not to bang? If all goes well, it’s great and no one knows. But, there’s the potential of every other girl in my cohort to find out. What should I do?”

You should bang her. What do you have to lose? Best case scenario you get married and have babies. Worst case scenario you never sleep together again, she hates you, but every other girl knows that you banged the hottest girl in the group and will, therefore, be more likely to bang you because they know that the hottest girl in the group was willing to bang you.

Pro tip: if you don’t think groups of girls judge you based on who you bang, you’re a damn fool. The hotter the girl you bang, the hotter the next girl you get to bang is too.

It’s science.

 

Whatever you do, make sure everyone knows you and the really hot blonde are banging.

C. writes:

“I was talking with a friend, and fellow mailbag reader, about this “winning coach getting laid” portion of Tuesday’s mailbag. We’ve had a blast with it.

First of all, it may be the greatest question of all time. Blows my mind that something like that happens in real life. And I agree with you that sex is never free. I’ll go a step further and say that marital sex after 3 years is merit based most of the time (exclusions for birthdays, anniversaries, etc.). Having been married for 10 years, my chances of sex are tied to how much work around the house my wife has to do when she gets home from her 8-5. I don’t have an 8-5 job; I work for myself, from home. So, if the kitchen is clean and she isn’t tripping over the kids’ toys when she walks in the door, my chances go up. If supper is ready, even better.

My sex has never been based on the merit of my children, which makes this entry so fascinating to me. Back to the mailbag…

How bad ass would it be to periscope from those little league baseball practices? Also, I would pay good money to watch that coach strip the bark off of some poor $45/game teen ump for blowing a call that cost Coach some ass.”

I’ll tell you what, my sex game has been thrown into a total uproar by this 4 am wakeup call for the new radio show. I used to finagle sex by putting myself in the bed with my wife at the same time that she was going to sleep. Even if I wasn’t going to sleep yet myself. Just because every married guy knows that the best way to manage sex is to be in the bed with your wife after the kids are asleep.

That’s prime sex time.

Sure, she might/probably will say no, but if she’s already in bed, my odds are much higher than they are at any point all day long.

But now I’m going to bed at the same time as the kids, definitely before my wife does. So I’ve got to try and have sex with my wife in the daylight, which is something that only happens on vacation. Seriously, what married couples have sex in the daylight? That’s rarer than a Tennessee win over Florida in football.

I’ve got no idea how to pull this off.

Z. writes:

“Clay – I’m an Ole Miss fan and I have a conundrum. Should I hate Drew Richmond?

Drew Richmond grew up a stone’s throw from Oxford in Memphis, TN, a city known for producing coveted football athletes. Drew was one of those athletes – or so it seemed. He stood 6’5″, 301 lbs and played left tackle. The Rebels needed a left tackle because Laremy Tunsil and his gas mask were leaving town. 

On September 9, 2014, Drew Richmond gave the Ole Miss Rebels his verbal commitment that he would sign with them the following February. All was right in the world. On Sunday February 1, 2015, Drew Richmond rescinded that commitment in favor of the Tennessee Volunteers. Nothing was right any more.

I put my daughter down for a nap and retired to my bedroom to blankly stare at the TV while Brooks Koepka won the Waste Management Phoenix Open. My wife walks in, notices me in obvious distress over a recruiting issue, says something I didn’t really pay attention to, and continues on into our closet to presumably continue doing laundry.

A couple moments later, my wife appears from the closet. This time she is completely naked with the exception of 3 small post-it notes – two up top, one down below. The top two post-it notes clearly read “Come. Recruit.” while the bottom post-it note said “This.”

“Come Recruit This.”

My wife proceeded to do things to me that would make even a Gay Muslim blush.

Earlier today, I saw where Drew Richmond is getting benched from his starting position as left tackle for Tennessee. My first response was, “That flabby armed #@&%! Good for him!” Then I immediately recalled the sexy time story with my significant other and struggled to maintain the same level of hatred that I had initially.

So, Clay… Should I hate Drew Richmond?”

No, you should definitely love him. 

And this would be the greatest SEC Network commercial possible. “It just means more.”

Also, this might be hotter than the whip cream bikini in “Varsity Blues.”

Jesus.

Can you imagine being a college kid if a hot girl on your official visit showed up at your room wearing nothing but post it notes over her nipples that said “Come” “To”

and then had the school name over her crotch?

My God, who wouldn’t commit? 

Lane Kiffin/Joey Freshwater has to be doing this at Alabama, right?

Have great weekends and thanks for supporting Outkick the Show on Periscope and Facebook as well as Outkick the Coverage on Fox Sports Radio. Oh, and congrats to all of you who followed my lead and loaded up on Twitter stock. 

We’re rich!

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.