All That and a Bag of Mail

It’s Friday and the mailbag is here to keep you entertained.

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Facebook commenter: Marc Hallet from Huntington West Virginia. Marc didn’t appreciate me calling West Virginia the fifth dumbest fan base in the country and he went after me:

“Wow. I really appreciate u saying we were dumb. How about asking someone in West Virginia how the majority of the country gets its power. Ask someone the proper way to log. We work on cars. We know how to fish. We go deer hunting. Most of us r completely self sufficient, and we are listening to a man who sits at a desk and writes for a living. The simple fact is this man does not hunt. He does not fish. He drives a smart car. He doesn’t know what a four inch suspension and body lift are. If he was stuck in the woods he would probably starve. He doesn’t know molly moochers from poison ivy. As far as I am concerned until he is willing to go camping with some good old boys, I don’t take this man seriously. If u notice his list the majority of the schools are what we would call country. Stay safe I the city. When coal stops and his lights go out he can come see some of us for fire and warm deer meat. Thank u for your not so Suttle city boy style. Have a nice day.”

Put simply, ladies and gentleman, I got served. 

On to the mailbag. 

Kadin writes:

“What’s the over/under on U.S. Presidents who’ve had extra-marital affairs?

Seriously, we know of at least 4 Presidents for sure that had affairs while in office. Since only two have presided in the day of social media, I can imagine it was a lot easier for the other 42 to sneak around. Not to mention the president is the most powerful man on the planet.

So I’m saying over 30 POTUS’s have had affairs. What would you say?”

Jimmy Carter is the only President in the modern era that I feel confident never cheated on his wife. 

So let’s start with World War II. We know FDR did because he died beside his mistress. We don’t know about Truman, but we know that Eisenhower, Kennedy and LBJ did. Hell, LBJ actually bragged that he’d had more accidental affairs than Kennedy had real ones. Nixon was a total liar so you know he screwed someone at some point. We don’t know about Ford. Reagan was a Hollywood star who got divorced from his first wife, that is, he 100% cheated. Clinton actually got caught cheating in office, which gets funnier the more you think about it because it’s the most Bill Clinton move possible. We don’t know about either Bush or Obama. I’m saying two out of three of the Bushes and Obama cheated. If W. didn’t cheat it’s just because he got married late and he banged everything that walked while he was single and drinking and doing coke all the time. 

And this is just the modern era, when it’s much easier to catch people cheating.

You telling me that Martin Van Buren wasn’t into some freaky ass shit? Faithful men don’t have hair like this. 

Plus, modern technology is uncovering affairs all the time. Just this week Warren G. Harding got caught a hundred years after his affair. This corresponds with Thomas Jefferson getting popped two hundred years after his affair. Think about how crazy it is that they got caught cheating by a technology they didn’t even know would ever exist. What if two hundred years from now we find out that penises actually leave vagina fingerprints? (Or vice versa). And those fingerprints never disappear. So you could check anybody out even after they died. Everybody in politics will be fucked. 

We’ve had 44 presidents. A few never married, but that probably means they were gay. So I’m going with a 75% cheat rate, that would mean I’d set the over/under at 33 presidents cheated and 11 were faithful. 

Ken writes:

“After watching the Alabama Alpha Phi sorority video my friend and I were wondering. They have so many hot college girls at Alabama but so many ugly adults in the same state. When does the metamorphosis take place?”

I don’t think most of these Alabama sorority girls ever get ugly. They stay hot as they age. What you’re noticing is the stark divide between the relative attractiveness of the 15% and the 85%.  

Alabama has some of the hottest actual grads and simultaneously some of the ugliest actual fans. 

Yep, the hotness chasm mirrors the fan intelligence chasm. 

Carter B. writes:

“I look forward to both mailbags every week. The anonymous mailbag always has the most absurd stories and ridiculous questions and your arguments on serious questions in the Friday Mailbag are usually pretty damn good. However, when you posted that story about your trip down to the beach with your family this year, it got me thinking about something. The anonymous mailbag seems to have at least one sexual story every week, and they have gotten fairly explicit from time to time. You’ve got 3 young boys who will probably learn how to navigate the internet better than you in the very near future (if they don’t already). Do they know what you do? It’s only a matter of time before they find Outkick and the anonymous mailbag because they wanted to Google Daddy’s name just for fun. How do you explain that to them? Are you going to explain it to them before they have the chance to find out? Will you try to keep it from them for a few years? How will you explain to them that you evolved from just a simple anonymous sports blogger to giving people life advice on such things as orgies and trading a dildo up the ass for a BJ every week? Just a bit of advice, I say no way you can hide it from them. If nothing else, a friend with some jackass of an older brother will pick on your kid for having a gay Muslim for a dad and he’ll start asking questions. What are your plans?”

My kids are going to be like everyone else’s kids, they’re going to think their dad is a loser and they’re going to use the Internet for porn as soon as they get smart enough to outsmart their parents. (Which could be now). The anonymous mailbag is tame compared to what teenage boys will be chasing on the Internet. People talk about what I do with my kids now and they listened to me on the radio — and watch me on TV occasionally, although, like most people, they’d always rather watch something else on TV.

At some point they might read Outkick mailbags, but I suspect it will be like radio and TV, they’d rather be doing something else with their time than paying attention to what their dad does for a living. That’s because the great thing about being a dad is your kids judge you pretty much exclusively on what you’re like as a dad. The rest is just noise.

So I don’t worry about it at all.  

Shawn H. writes:

“Clay,

Coming off the Republican debate I had an idea. What if the College Football Playoff committee required a debate of the top 10 teams before they decided on the final four. How much fun would that be! Coaches going after other coaches and analysts. It would be brilliant TV! My question is what coach do you think would rock in a debate? Which coach would hurt his team’s chances the most? If you take the current Week 1 top 10- Ohio State, TCU, Bama, Baylor, Oregon, MSU, Auburn, FSU, Georgia, and USC- which four coaches would get their teams in the playoff? Would love to hear your take on this.”

If it was entirely based on debate performance by the actual coaches then Alabama, Baylor, Georgia and Ohio State would probably advance to the playoff. I think Saban, Briles, Richt and Meyer would do the best job advocating for their teams. 

But coaches would never do this. I think it would be more entertaining if every school had to pick an alum to represent them in the playoff debate. Can you imagine the gamesmanship here? Do you go with smart or funny, hard core fandom or logical fandom? Can you imagine the debate about who should be representing you in the debate? Should Tennessee pick Finebaum or would he purposely tank the debate? What if someone turns down the job and your second choice is offended to be your second choice? And how weak would the options be for some schools — I’m looking at you, Mississippi State — vs. the bevy of options for a school like Stanford?

I’ve honestly pitched this to our Fox execs before. I think we should do alumni playoff debates. 

Deon writes:

“Clay,

With the recent HOF inductees namely (Tim Brown) and the current status of the NFL with their propensity to throw the ball 45 times a game. It got me thinking about the next 20 years of inflated receiving and passing stats, and how the HOF may be flooded with receivers and quarterbacks in the coming years. Should our current and future football statistics be adjusted for “inflation” just as the dollar bill is? Can we measure Lynn Swann’s opportunities to catch a pass vs. Calvin Johnson? How will we deny or accept the influx of the future seemingly locks for the Hall with these video game numbers every QB and receiver are racking up?”

We should definitely statistically adjust the NFL numbers, but it’s important to point out that running backs, which used to be a staple of the hall of fame, will virtually disappear. Other than Adrian Peterson, can you name a running back in the game right now who will certainly make the hall of fame?

Honestly, if you look at positions, they’re pretty evenly spaced out now.

I suspect you’ll just see running backs disappear and the standard for quarterbacks, wide receivers, and tight ends becoming higher and higher. 

Will P. writes:

“A few years back at a Tennessee Alabama game in Knoxville my friends and I had an obnoxious Bama fan sitting directly behind us. Every first down this guy was screaming ROLLLL TIDEEEE. Finally it came to a point where my friend had heard enough and he promptly turned around and told the guy “If you don’t shut the fuck up I’m going to shove my dick down your wife’s throat and she’s going to like it.”

Keep in mind we were in our early twenties and this was a grown ass married man. I honestly prepared myself for a brawl after those words came out of his mouth but this man did nothing but sit down and shut the fuck up. My question is at what point does it become necessary to kick someone’s ass for what they say? Did this guy make the right call by sitting down or should he of started a brawl because some dude said he was going to stick his dick down his wife’s throat?”

This is where your wife has to be witty and respond in her own defense. For instance, if this guy’s wife says “Thanks, but I already flossed,” in a drawling Southern accent, your buddy is just crushed in front of everyone and you guys would be making fun of him for the rest of his life for getting lit up by a Bama fan. 

Lacking that response, your buddy was so far over the line that the Alabama fan had reason to be upset. Now he might have quickly analyzed the number of younger guys that UT fan was with — who would presumably jump in and kick his ass — and also been rational enough to realize that getting kicked out of a football game over a fight at an age when you’re old enough to be married — 16 for a Bama fan — is absurd.   

As a general rule: I don’t ever think you can ever fight over what someone says to YOU. But your wife and kids should be off limits for everyone. Hell, it is even for the mob. 

For instance, if your buddy had turned around, put his finger in the wife’s face and said, “You’re a dumb slut,” or it had been a kid and he’d said something bad to your kid, I think he’d definitely deserve to get his ass kicked, but I think everyone sitting around you would be fine with you telling the usher and the guy getting kicked out instead.

The only time a grown man should fight is when his life or his family’s life has been legitimately threatened.  

Joey M. writes:

“Last year A&M and Auburn finished with the same record, A&M beat Auburn away, and both hired elite DC’s this year, arguably the best 2 in the country. My question is, why is Auburn picked to win the SEC West and A&M picked to finish last? A&M has more work to do on defense to be sure, but they return a QB with real life starting experience and what will likely be the best offense in the Conference. Auburn should be ranked higher than A&M but 7th? Picked to win the West? Why such a huge discrepancy?”

I think it has to do with faith in Gus Malzahn on the offensive side of the ball. He took Auburn to the very edge of winning a national title in his first year as head coach at Auburn and he basically won the Tigers the national title in 2010. Couple that with Will Muschamp being good enough as a head coach to take Florida to 11-1 in his second season and you’re talking about two guys that have won at the very highest levels in the SEC. 

I love Kevin Sumlin and John Chavis has been great as a defensive coordinator, but that’s the difference, the resume of Malzahn and Muschamp is just more impressive. 

And for the record, Mississippi State is picked last in the SEC West and they were 10-1 entering the final week of the season last year and they return their starting quarterback. The line between first and last in the SEC West this year is a thin one. 

Robert R. writes:

“I asked this on your periscope presser the other day without realizing your kid was in the room, but what’s up with Deadspin coming so hard at you? Did you buttfuck one of their dads or something? The writers over there have turned into the biggest bunch of fart sniffers. I bet they have competitions with each other over who can cry the hardest while watching “The Notebook.” Do you see them ever getting back to being a funny sports site or do you think that their need to have the only valid opinion on every subject has ruined them for good?”

The evolution of Deadspin from an irreverent, funny destination that didn’t take itself too seriously to the head of the Internet’s pearl clutching brigade is worthy of a serious online study. I’m not even kidding about this. Deadspin takes itself so seriously, it hurts me to even read the site any more. I haven’t been on in months. 

One of you pointed out that Deadspin and Jezebel have essentially become the same site and it’s totally accurate. It’s sports news brought to you by Brooklyn hipsters. Which would be a funny satire if it wasn’t so good at unintentionally satirizing itself.    

As for why they dislike me now, pretty simple, it’s jealousy. Every writer they have except for Drew Magary would struggle to make a living writing online if they weren’t employed by Deadspin.  

Here’s an idea, I think we should start, by the way, start tagging everyone who clutches their pearls online with the hashtag #twitterpolice

I want to counter-shame the online shamers. 

Scott writes:

“I have a buddy that I went to college with just got remarried & has 2 daughters. Last week he left his family to take a job in Saudi Arabia. Wife & kids stayed state side. His brother & I were discussing the situation. Wife is half a world away. Sharia law & adultery you do not want to go there. The govt blocks most porn on the net. Booze is illegal.

Question is how much would you have to be paid to give up sex, porn & booze & how long would you stay? He is an attorney in the energy field & did pretty well in the states so it is not like this was his only option. I will see what the gay Muslim thinks.”

I wouldn’t move anywhere without my wife and kids. My kids are young now, seven, four and ten months old. They change a ton over a few months. I travel a lot now, but I’m never gone for much more than a week in a row. It’s understandable if you have a job where you have to move for work — you have to make a living — but if you have a job like I do, where you make that choice — what’s the point of more money if you’re living in a shitty place by yourself?

And there’s no way I’m moving my family anywhere in the Middle East for anything less than ten million a year. 

Lawrence writes:

“Yesterday you released another Top 10 Dumbest Fanbases in America. This time it was West Virginia. I’ve got a story about West Virginia fans that you’ll find quite enjoyable. Last year West Virginia played in the Liberty Bowl against Texas A&M. I live in the Memphis area so I decided to go. The ticket I bought was in the West Virginia side of the stadium. I will tell you that the West Virginia fans lived up to their reputation. First, there was a guy a row in front of me who was so drunk that on two separate occasion, stood up and fell down three rows of seats. Not once, but twice!

The best though was the guy sitting right next to me who accomplished what I have decided to call “The Hillbilly Hat Trick.” He was smoking (in a non-smoking area), had a big dip in (and was just spitting it on the ground, not even into a cup) and had a beer that he had poured his homemade moonshine into. All at the same time. And of course the chants were highly entertaining. Instead of focusing on the game at hand the chants were directed at their rivals, Pitt and Marshall. They were, ” ‘What’s the word?’ F*** the Herd'” and “Eat S*** Pitt”.” 

Ah, West Virginia, the only flagship state school in the South with such bad academics that the other SEC schools wouldn’t even consider them for expansion.

The Hillbilly Trifecta is outstanding.  

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.