All That and a Bag of Mail

Feb 26, 2015; Knoxville, TN, USA; Vanderbilt Commodores head coach Kevin Stallings yells from the sidelines during the game against the Tennessee Volunteers at Thompson-Boling Arena. Mandatory Credit: Randy Sartin-USA TODAY Sports Randy Sartin USA TODAY Sports

It’s time for the mailbag. I’m sitting here bleary eyed after a red eye flight back from Los Angeles so if the mailbag makes even less sense than normal, that’s what I’m blaming things on. 

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is this college kid who got drunk and accidentally ended up in the mayor’s house. Seriously, read it.

“Lots of you on Twitter and email — thoughts on Kevin Stallings saying, “I will fucking kill you,” in the player line?”

Here’s the vine video via here.

This isn’t a very big deal to me. It’s just Kevin Stallings being Kevin Stallings. He’s an asshole who doesn’t treat his players very well. That’s why so many of them transfer. If Stallings won more, that would be fine. My biggest issue with Kevin Stallings is that his results have been pretty mediocre. 

But leaping all over Stallings for this? It’s so stupid. This is a non-story. 

I think there’s an element of Stockholm Syndrome with Vandy fans, they’ve come to love — at least accept — the man who has taken their basketball program hostage. Vanderbilt, which is a top half SEC basketball job, could do so much better than Stallings. He’s the definition of a mediocre coach and he’s slowly strangled the life out of Memorial Gym. 

Stallings has been at Vandy for 16 seasons. During that time he has a losing record in SEC basketball games. He’s 122-134. Can you think of any other coach in SEC history who has been able to stay as head coach for either football or basketball for 15 years or more and have a losing record in the conference? I mean, that’s crazy.

In the past eight years Stallings has won just one NCAA tournament game. A single game!

If you want to rip Kevin Stallings, do it for that. He’s been thoroughly mediocre at Vandy. But give me a break on being upset because he yelled at a player in the handshake line. 

Monty writes:

“Clay, I am currently in my last semester of college and living in a house with 5 other guys. As you can imagine, sports are often the topic of discussion. It seems we have exhausted all normal types of discussion and transitioned into stranger ones. The game of choice at our house right now is what we like to call Big Dick/Little Dick.  I’m not completely sure how it started, but the way you play is someone will call out the name of an athlete (or sometimes celebrity) and the forum will respond with either big dick or little dick. 

For a player to receive the recognition of “big dick” one must believe that the prospective dick size is larger than expected. Dwight Howard has a larger than average penis, no doubt, but he doesn’t get the “big dick” green light from me. Outside of his size he exhibits no characteristics associated with having a big dick. With it being NBA season we have focused mainly on basketball players. There are no right or wrong answers just gut opinions. We have concluded that Loul Deng and Demarcus Cousins are our “big dick” gold standards with Russell Westbrook and Kelly Olynyk being on the little side.

So, to help our discussion and hopefully spread it into the college households of America who are your big dick/little dick nominees?”

This is such a great game. 

In law school we used to sit around and debate who in the law school — students, professors, and janitorial staff included — had the largest penis relative to size expectations. We had similar rules as you — that is, in general, the larger you were the larger the expectations of your penis size were. We debated this for hours. 

We decided one of the older deans had to because we literally couldn’t think of anything else he had going for him. He wasn’t good looking or a good speaker or a fun teacher or charismatic at all. He didn’t even focus on an interesting area of the law. We all agreed he had to have a donkey dick and that explained his rise to prominence.

I’m actually convinced this would be a really good television show. It’s like the biggest loser except you gamble on dick size. You make your bets and then the guy comes out, steps up on the scale and they have that bouncing number on the scale thing until it settles on a number and everyone reacts. I’m about to text Todd Fuhrman and tell him I’ve got a new job for him — he has to set over/unders on dick size for every pro athlete in America.   

We didn’t call our analysis Big Dick, Little Dick, but I can definitely see Big Dick, Liittle Dick, now with a formalized name, sweeping across the landscape of men across our country. (Women could also play, but, interestingly enough, I think men care about penis size more than women do.)

The answer to your question, by the way, has to be Kevin Hart, right? He’s like 5’2″, not that funny, and he has more self-confidence than every NFL wide receiver rolled into one. 

Will writes:

“I have been married for a few years now, and the one constant fight my wife and I have is my undying love for energy drinks. It is a morning habit stemming from my days in the Military and has just become routine.

Her argument against energy drink is the health concerns associated with them. The concerns have been proven so they are understandable, so I switched to the low calorie and sugar free versions, thinking that would win her over. However that was not successful either.

For my next move to appease her I recently tried to switch to coffee; however, it was horribly unsuccessful. The taste does nothing for me, and the process I had to go through to make it every morning made it even worse. The argument last night ended in me swearing off energy drinks as long as she just left me alone and stopped pushing coffee on me.

I realized, as I walked out of the house early this morning, that this energy drink issue is just a microcosm of a married male’s life. So my question to you is this: What percentage of married men makes their daily life decisions based on whether or not it will lead to nagging/complaining/harassing from their wives?

Since gay marriage is now allowed in most states, I assume you would have some perspective.”

100% of married men make life decisions trying to avoid nagging from their wives. This totally sums up married life, you’re just constantly trying to figure out ways to limit the reasons your wife hates you.  

Maybe I’m totally wrong here too, but other than having more sex or spending money do husbands nag their wives about anything? I can’t think of a single thing I nag my wife about other than sex. I mean nothing. In just a normal day my wife will complain about my toothbrush drying strategy — I don’t have one –,  not using the toothpaste right, leaving too much hair on the sink when I shave and this is just things that happen while I’m standing at the sink in the bathroom starting the day. 

We could do an entire mailbag on things that wives nag their husbands about. Now the net result may well be positive — married men live longer than non-married men because we’re trying to avoid being nagged all the time — but how much less enjoyable is a married man’s life than a single man’s life? 

Eric writes:

“What’s the most comfortable a “successful” adult male can dress for business travel? I have a long plane flight from Nashville to LA and would prefer to wear sweatpants but then I would feel like a homeless person or stoner – a homeless person that can’t afford to fly to LA.”

I’m on that flight all the time too and I’m a really relaxed flyer. If I’m going through security and then sitting on a plan I go with flip flops, jeans, and t-shirts. Then a light jacket — my Costco special. If it’s warm weather I’ll go shorts, t-shirt and flip flops. 

My argument is simple, if you can wear shorts and a t-shirt and flip flops, why would you wear anything else?

Of course, a couple of years ago we were raising money for the Nashville Rescue Mission and I showed up late for a tour. The entire on-air staff for the radio station was there and I walked up. The lady giving the tour was standing outside one of the rooms there, and I’m nto making this up, she stepped up out of the way and said, “I’m sorry, sir, are we blocking the entrance to your room.”

So I guess I kind of do look like a homeless person.  

Andy writes:

“Is changing your allegiance from one team to another just because of a female putting the pussy way to high on the pedestal? I have a buddy who has switched multiple occasions for the female’s team he is courting. Please tell me all the trouble that he receives from his friends is deserved. He actively rooted against a team he once loved (before females), and for his current girl’s team, in a rather large SEC football game this fall. A little current background; she says ‘Roll Tide’ a lot.”

This is totally unacceptable. 

Big time little dick move. 

Ken writes:

“‹How do you explain the phenomenon that has become The Bachelor being popular among males? My dad, my closest guy friends, males at work… it’s becoming a conversation topic. I think it’s a combo of:

1. Most boring time of year for sports (no football, pre basketball playoffs/March Madness)
2. Hot girls (they’ve always had this, but I think ABC has stepped it up)
3. Competition: goes hand in hand with #1, but its feeding the male appetite for competition​

We now have (heated) discussions about who’s hot, who’s gonna win, who’s the craziest? What began as a chick show has morphed into something much bigger. And last night I hear about a version called Bachelor Paradise, where they get everyone together and they drink and hook up?! IS THIS TRUE?!

Your thoughts?

PS Chris booted the last good girl with Kaitlyn. Hot, funny, didn’t give a shit. That girl is what every guy wants.”

I love The Bachelor and I’m not ashamed to admit it. 

I may be the only guy in America who encourages his wife to watch the show with him. I can’t help it, once you watch you can’t stop. 

And if you’re a single guy, get your life in order and watch this show. I’m convinced it will add at least three sexual partners a year. Because every girl between the ages of 18 and 34 that you’d ever want to sleep with watches this show. Every. Single. One.

You have a go to conversational topic with every single one of them. 

Collin writes:

“Clay,

If a HoC drinking game doesn’t catch your eye, then “your” truly a gay Muslim.

Some buddies and I are getting together this evening to binge watch season 3 of House of Cards. As anybody would, we had the idea to compile some rules to formulate a drinking game. We have some solid rules in mind, but would be interested in hearing your take.”

SPOILERS!

Here are six quick rules that make sense in my bleary red-eye influenced mind. (Especially since so many primary characters are dead now.)  

1. Every time Frank Underwood does the double knock, drink. 

2. Whenever Claire cuts out someone’s heart with a look, a stare or a line or two of dialogue, drink.  

3. Every time Underwood says, “Meachum,” drink. 

If he has another sexual encounter with him, do a shot. 

4. When Frank addresses the camera, drink.

If he addresses the camera while rowing, do a shot.  

5. Whenever the creepy computer guy is on screen, drink.

If he’s with Rachel and she’s flipping out, drink anew.  

6. Whenever Frank and Claire smoke on the windowsill together, drink. 

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.