Apologies for the mailbag being late today. We’re in the process of moving to a new house and I spent the day there. I’m looking forward to taking up residence in the “Yourgay” mansion.
Our beaver pelt trader of the week is this Alabama resident who had a gender reveal party for his family signing day style. Y’all know I hate gender reveal parties, but if it’s necessary to do it, you might as well make it as ridiculous as possible.
On to the mailbag.
“With the news that Rece Davis is replacing Chris Fowler as Gameday host, who replaces Lee Corso one day?”
Corso’s the hardest to replace on the show by far.
Personally I would just get Charles Barkley and call it a day. He could keep doing the silly mascot heads that Corso does and he could learn enough about college football to make picks. It’s not like you have to script out X’s and O’s on the blackboard to pick a team to win a football game. Barkley’s funny, engaging, connected to the SEC which is important since the SEC drives show viewership and you’ve already got several guys who played college football on the set.
If you had to replace Corso with another coach, that’s where it gets difficult. Most coaches aren’t funny and aren’t willing to put themselves into ridiculous situations because they’re hoping to get another job one day. That’s what makes replacing Corso so difficult. Hell, I should turn this into an entire column next week. Mack Brown is already at ESPN and his coaching career may be over, but he’s not particularly funny. I can’t see him doing mascot heads. You know who would be really good at it and is young enough to be around for a long time? Derek Dooley.
I don’t know if Dooley would leave the Cowboys for this, but it’s a high-paying job that’s pretty fun and low stress. Would Steve Spurrier do it after he retires? Because he’d be pretty good.
I’ll do an entire list next week. But for now my top two draft picks are Barkley and Derek Dooley.
Congrats, by the way, to Rece Davis. Getting to work with Herbstreit, Pollack, and Desmond instead of Holtz and May is like getting traded from the Tennessee Titans to the New England Patriots.
Texas Lawyer writes:
“Clay, I’m sure as a book lover you saw the news of the forthcoming To Kill A Mockingbird sequel. This will give people in Alabama a sophisticated book to name drop at parties the way every Ole Miss fan claims to read Faulkner.
Since they live in Alabama, are the Finches Bama or Auburn fans? Is Atticus too noble to be either? Is Bob Ewell too crazy even to be in the 85%?
(In the offseason, you should survey 20th century Southern literature and assign major characters to SEC fanbases).”
Let’s start with Bob Ewell, there is a 100% chance that the Ewells would have been Bama fans. I mean, this isn’t even a challenge. Bob Ewell would be a regular Finebaum caller today and would have a personalized license plate that said “Saybun.”
The Finch family is more challenging. I’ve always thought of Atticus as a Vanderbilt fan. Cerebral, used to taking on struggles bigger than he actually is, literate, an incredible shot that no one expects to be an incredible shot. Atticus Finch is the guy who beats two farmer’s asses at the local meat and three on the courthouse square and you never saw it coming. If he didn’t go to Vanderbilt I see him as going to Sewanee or Rhodes, somewhere a bit outside the mainstream of SEC life.
Assigning literary characters to SEC schools would be pretty fun. For instance, Caddy Compson from “The Sound and the Fury,” is the perfect Ole Miss sorority girl gone bad. Ignatius J. Reilly from “A Confederacy of Dunces,” definitely flunked out of Tulane, went to LSU for one month, and claims to have never been to either school before.
“What is your opinion on asking for photos with celebrities? My ex-BF (maybe that’s why he’s an ex!) and I got in a huge fight because I asked for a picture with Marcus Lattimore. The setting was a restaurant, he was NOT seated at a table and not eating. He was waiting to be seated and was with his girlfriend but they were not engaged in a conversation when I approached him. Knowing he is known for being so modest and polite, I didn’t think he would mind. I asked if it was ok and assured him I would understand if he wasn’t comfortable with taking the picture. He was very willing, we chatted for a minute about what he should order at the restaurant and was very friendly. My ex argued that he gets paid for photos during photo/autograph sessions and I shouldn’t have approached him. Thoughts?”
I see nothing wrong with asking a celebrity for a picture. If your boyfriend was fighting with you over this, you need a new boyfriend. Good decision to drop him. He was probably jealous that you were showing another guy that much attention.
“After watching Jimmy Fallon’s brilliant Saved by the Bell cast reunion, I’ve been thinking. Maybe I’m guilty of being a prisoner of the moment, but has there been any TV or movie star who has maintained their level of attractiveness over a considerable length of time as well as Tiffany Amber Thiessen? She practically looks the same as she did 25 years ago. That’s virtually unprecedented in Hollywood. Even though “your gay,” your input would be greatly appreciated.”
First of all, as several of you Tweeted me, Mario Lopez is a vampire. He looks the exact same now as he did when he played A.C. Slater. There are lots of famous men that look no different for thirty years or so. For instance, look at Tom Cruise. The dude hasn’t aged since “Top Gun.” What about Bob Costas and Al Michaels? Tell me they don’t look the exact same now as they did when you were a kid. Hell, how about your local newscasters? Nashville has this guy, Bob Mueller, who has looked the exact same since 1988. I swear, he hasn’t changed at all.
As for hot women, I can point to several that are Thiessen-like. Tiffany Amber Theissen is 41, by the way. First, how about Julia Louis-Dreyfuss? Aside from being the funniest woman in the history of televised comedy, I think she’s better looking now — at 54! — than she was on Seinfeld. If you don’t watch “Veep” I don’t know what you’re doing with your life. It’s the funniest show on television right now. Jennifer Aniston is 45 now and better looking today than she was on Friends. Connie Britton’s 47! How about Jennifer Lopez is 45 and Halle Berry is 48?! All of these women look ageless.
That Jimmy Fallon skit was incredible, however.
I would definitely go see a “Saved by the Bell,” movie.
In the latest Anonymous Mailbag, you mentioned Tecmo Super Bowl as being the greatest sports video game of all time. I’ve never agreed more with a statement. When I was in college and the PS2 and Xbox reigned supreme, this is what my roommate and I played on a daily basis. Is there anyone tougher to cover than the dual threat of QB Eagles? What about the Raiders with Bo Jackson (best player in video game history) AND Marcus Allen? Is there an offensive line that can stop Derrick Thomas or Lawrence Taylor when they are “excellent”? How fun was it to watch players bounce off of Christian Okoye as he zig-zags up and down the screen? Is there anything more frustrating than playing Joe Montana as he threads the needle to a triple covered Jerry Rice? I think you get the point. My question for you is, what is your favorite team/player and why?”
My favorite team was the Kansas City Chiefs and my favorite player was Christian Okoye. The Chiefs were always my team. I’ve trash talked more on behalf of Steve DeBerg and Robb Thomas than either of those guys ever did in their careers.
I’ve played this game for thousands and thousands of hours.
No video game compares to it.
I recently started working in a office that, in my section, is entirely made up of young, single guys. That leads me to this question–how many post its per year do you think are wasted by people drawing dicks on them? Sheets of paper? Dick shaped paper clips? I think I just saved every company millions by starting no-dick drawing rules for the office.”
Figure that every man in his twenties and thirties is good for an average of 3.8 dick jokes a week. Figure that half of them are delivered electronically via email or text message. Then figure that another quarter are delivered orally — oh, half dick joke there! — and the other quarter are broken down via paper, paper clips, balloons, or origami penises.
Carry the one, round up…I’m going with one rain forest a year entirely cut down for dick jokes.
“Have we seen a greater non-finale winning performance than what Leroy did this past week to eliminate Bananas and his crying partner? Bananas the five time champ just absolutely helpless as Leroy KILLED that dome. Hell, could it be the best performance period?”
I thought Leroy was going to break the logs.
I’m a long-time Wes fan, but I have to admit I felt bad for Bananas just impotently hanging there on the logs like the fourth guy invited to a forest three-way.
By the way, how is Zack not famous and starring in “Game of Thrones?” The dude is a giant Viking, ripped, and incredibly attractive. He’s like a real life Fabio, except actually good looking and able to speak English. Can I be his agent?
“I know you’re a gay and racist muslim, but I think you can help me out. I’ve known this girl for three years. I’m 24 and she is 21. We are friends but i dont believe I am in the friendzone. We have been on a few dates but nothing serious. We go through stages where we dont talk to each other, but then we go through stages where we talk and hang out a lot. It seems like we come to each other at a time when we aren’t dating someone else. She hasnt had a boyfriend since we met, should I just ask her out?”
If you write to me asking if you should ask a girl out, the answer is clearly YES.
What’s her Twitter? I’ll ask her out on your behalf if necessary.
The only payment I’ll require is that you have to name you first born, male or female, Outkick.
Stop being a wuss and make a play with your life.