All That and a Bag of Mail

I’m writing the mailbag as thundersnow erupts outside my house. The snow is coming down so fast that it’s altogether possible none of us in the South will be alive tomorrow. 

So what better way to spend your final moments alive than by reading Outkick’s Friday mailbag?

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is, you guessed it, the Nashville thundersnow. (Which hundreds of you just adopted as your new fantasy football team names.)

We will have a special edition of Outkick the Snow at noon eastern today, so if you haven’t downloaded Periscope or become a Clay Travis fan on Facebook, do that now to watch the live show. At 3 eastern on our regular edition of Outkick the Show, Colin Cowherd will be our guest today. So if you’re stuck at home in snow with kids who are driving you crazy — as tons of you are — Outkick will have all day entertainment for you.  

Okay, here we go.

“Mike writes:

I think it’s safe to say that a certain percentage of young (and sometimes old) men work hard to get women to like them. Whether it’s through an education, a trade, music, or any other way of making money, they want to buy things that will ultimately lead to enticing women to have sex with them and show there is enough long term security to convince them to marry (for those that do want to marry). How many guys form a band that aren’t hoping it will lead to groupies throwing themselves at them every night? Most guys would be perfectly happy working at an easy but low paying job and living like a slob, basically the bare minimum of survival, except they know that’s not going to bring the hot girls home. They trade lots of time and energy for the hope of sexual relations.

My question is, how much of human progression is due to the male sex drive? If men were as interested in sex as a married woman with 3 small children, where would we be as a species? Would that set us back 20 years, 100 years? Would we still be living in caves? How many less doctors and lawyers would we have? You see where I’m going with this, feel free to expound any way you see fit.”

I think it’s tens of thousands of years. 

If sex wasn’t a scarce resource — that is, every man, or woman, could have as much sex as they desired with little to no effort — then we’d still be living in caves. I really believe that. I believe the number one cause of human advancement is the dual combination of the male sex drive coupled with the female desire to limit sex and seek out the best possible man to make her offspring as successful as possible. Biology is brilliant.    

Several years ago I was out a bar drinking with several of my buddies and one of them said, “Do you ever think about what you might have been capable of accomplishing if you didn’t spend so much time trying to have sex with girls?”

Initially we all thought of the things we’d have spent our time on instead of chasing girls, but then we all came to the realization that we would have been total drunken losers. Sex, and the pursuit of sex, makes us all more successful than we otherwise would have been. I think that’s true for virtually everyone, male and female.

Sex makes our society work.  

David writes:

“Clay,

For as long as I can remember, I had been standing on a “blitz the quarterback” island in regards to Hail Mary defense. My theory had always been that an aggressive approach would at worst yield a completion that was still 10-20 yards short of the goal line, as the play simply wouldn’t have time to develop. The Aaron Rodgers throw from last Saturday night completely destroyed this theory.

So now… now I’m at a loss. I need help. I need a new theory. Imagine you have the DC headset in the 4th quarter, and the offense is on their 45 (down four) with three seconds remaining.

What are your instructions?”

I drop eight guys to the goal line and rush three. I don’t cover anyone underneath at all. 

Honestly, I have long been in the “throw the hail mary” camp. I’m always the guy who wants a hail mary attempt at halftime. It drives me crazy that coaches don’t try it more often. It’s almost like coaches are ashamed to accept touchdowns like these — they’re the equivalent of tennis shots that hit the net and drop over. You know how tennis players always raise their rackets and acknowledge those shots with their opponent? I keep expecting for head coaches to raise their hands and nod across the sideline when hail mary touchdowns happen.

 

I would call hail mary plays as often as possible. 

My theory is pretty simple, with as many talented receivers as you have in the NFL now, why wouldn’t you want the ball in the end zone with them having a chance to catch it for a touchdown? The reward seems to far outweigh the risk. Especially if you consider the number of dumb defensive backs who are trying to get interceptions in this situation instead of just knocking the ball down. I know coaches are risk averse, but have you ever seen someone intercept a hail mary and return it over 100 yards for a touchdown in the opposite direction? I haven’t. It’s virtually impossible to do.

So I’d line up 8 guys at the goal line and play zone defense at the goal line.

But I’d also attempt a hail mary every chance I could.  

“Clay,

Keep me anonymous for obvious reasons.

Confession: I was a White House intern before there was a stigma attached to the job; i.e., pre-Lewinsky.

I was a college student at the time, so it goes without saying that I spanked the monkey on a regular basis. And, yes, that includes more than once in the West Wing of the White House.

Not writing to brag about it, but it made me wonder how common is it to “release tension” in an international historical landmark? Should I be proud/ashamed of being one of few who have accomplished this feat, or am I just one one of many who have achieved bliss at a famous landmark?”

This is going to lead to some incredible jerked off in famous places stories. 

Do you think every President has jerked off in Air Force One? What about the oval office? Hell, we know Bill Clinton did. The Starr Report has a Bill Clinton jerk off story in there for the historical record. Which president do you think masturbated the most while he was in office? I’m going with Teddy Roosevelt, so much vigor and vitality. Which 2016 presidential candidate do you think jerks off the most? I’m going with John Kasich. I also think Martin O’Malley only jerks off fully nude while looking at himself in the mirror.  

When I was 18 years old and a Washington, D.C. intern I once jerked off in a random bathroom in the United States Capitol. It was an ancient one room bathroom so I was the only person in there, but about halfway through I got convinced the U.S. Capitol police were going to be waiting outside the bathroom somehow knowing that I’d jerked off inside and arrest me for it.

Is it illegal to jerk off in a private bathroom in a public place? What percentage of men have jerked off at work at some point in their lives? Gotta be 50%, right? Higher for people with office doors that lock. 

Ted writes:

“Good morning Clay,

Do you know anything about the Elite11/ESPN/Nike? If so I would be interested in your thoughts and opinion.”

Ted, I don’t know anything. 

Drew writes:

“Dear Gay Muslim Vacation Czar,

My group of friends (all of whom are early 30’s, married, and most have kids) is planning our annual bro-trip. We live in TN, AL, and CA so the initial thought was to go to a destination that has relatively equidistant direct flight and would be a badass getaway. We came up with Denver, Vegas, or Dallas. Then, the guy who lives a two hour drive away from the lovely emerald coast suggests we go to the Mecca of mid-south family vacations: Destin, FL. And to my surprise, EVERYONE LOVES THE IDEA! My visions of Ditch Friday at the Palms and lap dances at Spearmint Rhino are quickly replaced with sipping bushwackers at Harry T’s with faint sound of screaming toddlers in the background.

Should I accept that family life has made us soft at the ripe old age of 32 and concede to going to Destin? Or should I fight on behalf of what little manhood and youth we have left for us to go to Vegas?

I place our fate in your soft, gay, feminine hands…”

You should all go to Vegas, but considering your other two options were Denver and Dallas — DALLAS! even people in Dallas are like, why would anyone come on vacation here? — Destin is a better choice than two out of three of these options. 

And I can definitely understand why Destin might have appeal: 1. It’s the best beach in the continental United States 2. It’s cheaper than Vegas. and 3. It’s much more laid back. (By Destin, I mean, 30A, by the way. At some point I’m going to spend an awful lot of my year living on 30A.)    

But, come on, none of that compares to Vegas. 

You’re 32, not 62.

Vegas has to be the call.

But if you go to Destin, you might as well get a place next door to AJ’s and spend every spare moment there.  

William writes:

“I love reading the mailbag but I have to step in here. I read this in the mailbag regarding the guy trying to masturbate.”Do it in the shower with shampoo as lube.”

Please for the love of all things gay and Muslim retract this statement. Shampoo will burn just as bad as soap if it creeps in the D hole. Conditioner is a much better choice. No burn and you get the added bonus of softened pubes plus the smell. As this in response to an anonymous mailbag question please keep this response anonymous.”

I should be stunned by the number of Outkick readers who emailed me taking issue with jerking off in the shower with shampoo, but somehow this seems totally normal.

I blew it, don’t jerk off with shampoo, your penis will fall off. (And all your dead relatives will watch as it happens).

And with that response, I’m ending the mailbag early today. My five year old just ran upstairs and told me to finish writing because we have to go build an igloo outside.  

Good luck surviving the blizzard, y’all. 

See you on Outkick the show at noon eastern and 3 eastern.