All That and a Bag of Mail

CORAL GABLES, FL – DECEMBER 04: New University of Miami Hurricanes head coach Mark Richt makes the ‘U’ sign after he was introduced at a press conference at the school on December 4, 2015 in Coral Gables, Florida. (Photo by Joe Skipper/Getty Images) Joe Skipper Getty Images North America

I’m writing this from Legoland with my feet propped up on a lego monkey and my two boys watching “Full House,” — my five year old just asked how old the Olsen twins are now, I think he’s got a crush — and I’m over here watching sorority girl videos on mute like the dirty old man I am rapidly becoming. 

Quick endorsement — Legoland is an incredible place to bring kids. We’re out here in the midst of the most rain California has gotten in a decade and, as a result, there is no one at the park. It was like we had the entire place to ourselves. We’re also staying at the Legoland hotel, which is just fabulous. I’m telling you, if you have young kids and they like Legos, it’s fantastic. 

Anyway, our beaver pelt trader of the week are the Delta Gammas from the University of Miami, aka Mark Richt’s newest recruiting aces. TRIGGER WARNING: Only click on this video if you are comfortable seeing college aged girls cavorting in skimpy bikinis. OTHERWISE THIS IS NOT YOUR SAFE PLACE, BRO.

Laurence K. writes:

“We have a situation that requires your input. As a group of mid to late 30 year old UGA fans, after another debacle in Jacksonville, my group of friends and I had our first real conversations of whether or not Mark Richt would be the head coach for the 2016 season

For the most part over the past few years, even though we know we are underachieving, most of us felt that you can’t fire a coach who has won 70% of his games, and the last thing we want to do is end up like the Vols, Texas or Nebraska after firing a relatively successful coach. That being said, after the Florida game, one guy spoke up and said, “This is the first time in 15 years that I don’t think CMR will be our coach next season.” The most outspoken of the Mark Richt Supporters rebutted “I’ll eat my shoe, if CMR isn’t our coach to open against UNC in the dome next September.”

Well, as we all know, Kirby Smart will be leading our Dawgs, and CMR has taken his talents to South Beach. Seeing as we are responsible members of society, we are holding our buddy to his words and making him eat his shoe (time and place TBD). My question for you is, how would you approach shoe consumption, what type of shoe would be best, and is there any special preparation you would allow for the shoe? Is hot sauce allowed? Should there be a time limit? Also, is there any other item or items that he could consume as a substitute for the shoe? We thought you would be good at laying down the law for the shoe eating rules.”  

Can you actually eat a shoe? I mean physically consume one? I don’t think it’s possible. So I think what would happen is you’d have a guy sitting there with a knife and a shoe — and some ranch dressing or barbecue sauce or whatever — and he’d cut up the shoe and put it in his mouth and he’d chew it for a while and then he’d try to swallow it and he might die trying to swallow that leather. It’s impossible to actually eat a shoe.  

So I think you have to call an audible here and give him a new challenge. 

I’d force him to complete the 6/12/18/24 challenge in 24 hours, preferably the day of this year’s Georgia-Florida game. If you aren’t familiar with the 6/12/18/24 challenge he has to complete jerk offs, miles, donuts, and beers, assigning a 6/12/18 and 24 number to each of these challenges within 24 hours. The smartest way, it would seem to me, would be to go with six jerkoffs, 12 miles, 18 donuts and 24 beers. 

I’d suggest starting it on Friday afternoon before the cocktail party and then finishing it by kickoff of Georgia-Florida at 3:30 eastern on that Saturday.

He has to update everyone with his progress. Sure, his wife will be mortified, but you guys will love it.  

Several of you asked the same basic question: “Thoughts on Barstool Sports selling out for millions?”

Good for those guys. If you aren’t familiar with Barstool Sports they’re a very funny northeastern based sports website. Their writers are good dudes and, thankfully, not PC bros.

Barstool selling 51% of the site to a major venture capitalist for millions of dollars is certainly a win for people who aren’t pussies on the Internet and I constantly root for guys and girls who aren’t pussies on the Internet to succeed. I think what you’re starting to see is that the PC bro Deitsch’s of social media are steadily losing power as people realize how small of an audience they actually have. That is, Twitter’s joke police/pearl clutchers don’t represent the real world and you’re starting to see major media companies realize that. The joke police/pearl clutchers are a tiny fraction of the media audience that has been given an outsize accountability because social media is so new no one knew how to deal with online bitching. Fifty people online can seem like an army, but it’s actually a tiny little sad fringe of losers. Just ignore them.  

The future of media, sports and otherwise, is about creating audiences who love you. (With that love will also come hate). The vast majority of the people bitching on Twitter have no audience and are trying to create an audience by being PC bros. The problem is, that’s a tiny subset of an audience because being a professional PC bro is a pathetic existence. And, amazingly, you have all these losers competing to be the PC broiest. The result is that none of them actually have audiences that care about their opinions. 

I never really took online criticism that seriously because I was too busy grinding away at building a business, but now I welcome it. Every time someone attacks me online I just get more readers and our Outkick army grows. It’s uncanny. The hate makes me richer and richer. Because the hate actually creates regular readers who come to love us. The future of media is creating audiences that love you for what you do, not in audiences that hate what someone else does. Pro tip: All hating someone does is make their audience bigger.  

I’m going to post our reader numbers for 2015 this weekend, but suffice it to say they’re incredible. 

In the meantime, congrats to the guys at Barstool. And if you are interested in listening to a discussion about online sports business today I’d encourage those of you who missed it live or on podcast to listen to the conversation I had on Wednesday morning with Jason McIntyre from The Big Lead. 

Anonymous married guy writes:

“Clay,
My birthday is in a month and while I was looking for a flashlight this weekend I stumbled upon a gift from my wife. A “pocket pussy.”(She said it was gonna be a gag gift for my birthday). Well later that day I was home alone and decided I would try it out. When my wife got home later that day I told her the gift worked great! Now she’s all pissed off and will barely talk to me. She’s acting like I cheated on her and it was a gag, not for my pleasure. I mean what the fuck? I have been able to get out of most situations but damn this is a tough one! HELP!”

Do you have kids?

Because if you do, change your story and throw the kids under the bus. Claim that you accidentally left it out and you came home to find them playing with the pocket pussy and panicked because you thought she would be madder that the kids found the pocket pussy than if you claimed to use it. 

If you don’t have kids, blame the dog. 

If you don’t have kids or a dog, you’re a psychopath and nothing I can say can help you.

(Also, banging a pocket pussy that your wife got you as a gag gift is the most married guy move possible. I’d like to say I’m surprised, but every married guy reading this would probably bang a pocket pussy if it was just sitting by the bed while he was jerking off to pornhub.) 

Gregory Hardy writes:

“Clay,

(This is not a Force Awakens spoiler for your readers, since the first line of the opening crawl is “Luke Skywalker has vanished.”).
So if Luke was training a new generation of Jedi, then went into self-imposed exile the minute everything went sideways … and thus was nowhere in sight when his friends could have used help from his specific skill set to clean up the mess … doesn’t that make Luke just like Spurrier with the Gamecocks this season?”

Perfect. 

Now I can’t stop thinking about Spurrier as Skywalker. 

Also — and if you haven’t seen Star Wars yet, that’s on you for being a total loser — who is Rey’s dad and mom? At first I thought maybe she was Kylo Ren’s sister, but she has to be related to Luke or Obi-Wan to have that connection to the light saber right?

Also, fuck you Kylo Ren for what you did. 

Matt writes:

“Question regarding etiquette: if you pee in an actual stall not at a urinal are you required to A. shut the door, B. shut and lock the door, or C.can you pull up stand in the door just as you would at a urinal?

This is strictly in reference to work place etiquette, should’ve clarified.”

If you’re just peeing at work there’s no point in shutting or locking the door, you can just leave it open. 

You should, however, only be peeing in the stall if there is no urinal available. Otherwise you’re peeing all over the seat for no reason and that’s just a savage move.

Anonymous scotch drinker writes:

“What is the etiquette for accepting a drink between guys?

I was at a Christmas party recently, and brought a bottle of 18 year old scotch.

I’m 32 years old, and most of the other guests were roughly the same age, maybe a bit older. Most of the guys gladly accepted offers from my bottle. One guy took the offer, only to see it was scotch. Apparently, whiskey is fair game, but scotch just isn’t his thing. Fair enough, I wasn’t offended. To each their own. But in hindsight, I couldn’t help but think that, as a guy, if you’re enjoy bourbon or whiskey, then when someone offers you really good scotch, you oblige. Am I alone in this?”

I honestly don’t know the difference between whiskey, bourbon and scotch. I mean, I’ve known in the past, but I always forget. And it’s one of those things you feel like an idiot to ask someone to clarify. It’s like how I know the difference between Shia and Sunni Muslims, I’ve read it a ton of times and then I always forget it. Here’s the difference — newsflash, it ain’t much.

Anyway, if someone is claiming he likes whiskey and doesn’t like bourbon or scotch, he’s probably a total asshole. There’s no way he’d pass a taste test. 

Having said that, if you’ve got an old bottle of scotch and someone isn’t going to drink it, isn’t it better he refuse than just take it?

Landon writes:

“I’ve got a theory about the HGH report. Peyton Manning is well known as probably the most cerebral and intelligent QB of all time. He’s also someone the media loves. So wouldn’t it be perfect if he really did use HGH and he really did have it shipped to his house in his wife’s name just so everyone in the media would immediately dismiss it for the fact of him being ‘too smart to do something like that’? And on top of that, he plays the card of ‘its unfair to bring his wife’s medical history into this.’ Maybe it’s just me, but I haven’t heard anyone actually discuss the possibility of there being any validity to the report. It just seems like the perfect plan to me.”

I love this idea, love it. 

Because I can totally see Peyton Manning making this diabolical move now that you’ve pointed it out — the looks stupid but is actually brilliant move. This is what Saul from ‘Homeland” would do. (At least what I think he would done until he was so dumb this season about Allison). 

Billy M. in Vegas writes:

“Love the mailbag, it’s the only thing crazier than A&Ms offseason so far.  Simple question for you. My girlfriend gives amazing blowjobs. You would think I should never complain and just go with it. However, the only thing I can think about half way in is “how in the hell did she get so good at this?” and totally kills the mood.

How do I remedy this horrific buzzkill?

She also reads outkick so I am now putting on my blonde wig and mustache and going anonymous.”

The reason your girlfriend is so good at blow jobs is because she’s the LeBron James of blow jobs, a supreme natural talent that didn’t need much practice. 

Sure, this is probably a lie, but you have to believe it. 

Love the mailbag, it’s the only thing crazier than A&Ms offseason so far.  Simple question for you.  My girlfriend gives amazing blowjobs.  You would think I should never complain and just go with it.  However, the only thing I can think about half way in is “how in the hell did she get so good at this?” and totally kills the mood.

How do I remedy this horrific buzzkill?

She also reads outkick so I am now putting on my blonde wig and mustache and going anonymous.
Love the mailbag, it’s the only thing crazier than A&Ms offseason so far.  Simple question for you.  My girlfriend gives amazing blowjobs.  You would think I should never complain and just go with it.  However, the only thing I can think about half way in is “how in the hell did she get so good at this?” and totally kills the mood.

How do I remedy this horrific buzzkill?

She also reads outkick so I am now putting on my blonde wig and mustache and going anonymous.
We have a situation that requires your input.  As a group of mid to late 30 year old UGA fans, after another debacle in Jacksonville, my group of friends and I had our first real conversations of whether or not Mark Richt would be the head coach for the 2016 season

 
For the most part over the past few years, even though we know we are underachieving, most of us felt that you can’t fire a coach who has won 70% of his games, and the last thing we want to do is end up like the Vols, Texas or Nebraska after firing a relatively successful coach.  That being said, after the Florida game, one guy spoke up and said, “This is the first time in 15 years that I don’t think CMR will be our coach next season”.  The most outspoken of the Mark Richt Supporters rebutted “I’ll eat my shoe, if CMR isn’t our coach to open against UNC in the dome next September”/  
 

Well, as we all know, Kirby Smart will be leading our Dawgs, and CMR has taken his talents to South Beach.  Seeing as we are responsible members of society, we are holding our buddy to his words and making him eat his shoe (time and place TBD).  My question for you is, how would you approach shoe consumption, what type of shoe would be best, and is there any special preparation you would allow for the shoe?  Is hot sauce allowed?  Should there be a time limit?  Also, is there any other item or items that he could consume as a substitute for the shoe?  We thought you would be good at laying down the law for the shoe eating rules.

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.

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