Alabama Fan Explains Why Nick Saban Is Not Leaving For Texas

Published|Updated

By Rufus Snopes

Sabin is not leaving Alabama because Alabama is the GREATEST PLACE FOR FOOTBALL THAT GOD EVER MADE. 

We have everthing that Texass has. It's warm here, we have a beach, our football players are better than Texass football players. 

What does Texass have that Alabama doesn't have?

Just Mexicans and oil. 

Only one of those things is good. (Hint: you can drive your truck with it!)

Theres no way Nick Sabin wants to coach Mexican's in football. They don't even play football in Mexico! 

Texass plays in the Big 12! 

They don't even have 12 teams! They can't COUNT!

We play in the SEC and the SEC is number won. 

Everybody knows that.

Even Mexican's.

Why would you leave for a conference that can't count?

Do you think Sabin is stupid? Hell, hes not stupid, hes a genis.

Plus, we have the best fan's in football. Sure, some of them kill trees, and teabag passed out fans, and say, "Roll Tide," as they get arrested,  but find me some fans that arent dumb. Aubies is dumb as shit. You know the differance between Aubies and shit?

Nothing. 

It's the SAME THING!

Taking a job at Texass is dumber than working for Obamas health care web site!

www.texass.com

(I can spell, I put the ass on Texass on purpose! Get it? GET IT!) 

Money?

We got money. 

Alabama fans are rich as hell. You see how many of them have more than one car? Hell, even our houses have wheels. 

We can pay Nick Sabin one bajillion dollars if we need too. 

Alabamas already won 15 national championship's. 

I know because I've got the Got 12, Got 13, Got 14 and Got 15 t-shirts. When we win a new title I go to Wal Mart to see the trophy and I retire the old shirt and by the new one. Those old Got t-shirts are on the ceiling above my bed. I don't need VIAGRA, BABY, I just look at the Tides title t-shirts and I'm hard as a lamestream media member at a food bank. 

Hell, Nick Sabin doesn't want to screw my wife -- since the amputation she aint what she once was -- but if he wanted to spank her in the ass with her fake leg while I stood in the corner singing Rammer Jammer for him, I ain't gonna judge a man for his fetishes.

ITS ALL ABOUT THE TEAM.

IN ALABAMA WERE ALL ONE TEAM, DAMMIT.  

If Nick Saban said, I want an entire coaching staff of midgets, we'd find the midgets for him. 

Would they find the midgets for him in TEXASS?

Hell no. 

They got no midget hunters in Texass. 

If Nick Sabin said, I want to grill you and eat you with my oatmeal creme pies for lunch, well, there are worse ways to go than helping the Tide win a title getting eaten by cannibal Nick Sabin. 

Gotta take one for the team sometimes. 

Plus, if cannibal Nick Sabin ate me, I'd meet the Bear in heaven. He'd be up there and he'd growl, "Son, you gave your all for Alabama."

And he'd be right.

I'd have given my arm and leg and my head and maybe even my penis but I don't even think cannibal Nick Sabin would eat my penis. 

But if he did. 

I'd be honored if Nick Sabin ate me penis too. 

Jesus would put his arm around me and say, "Roll Tide, roll. Sorry about this year's Iron Bowl."

Texass?

Texass is gay.

The hole state is gayer than Clay Travis on a Saturday night in Miami Beach.

You think Nick Sabin is leaving for Texass?

YOUR GAY!

Sincerly,

Rufus Snopes

P.S.

Roll Tide.

P.P.S.

TEXASS Stinks.

P.P.P.S.

Roll Tide, again.  

P.P.P.P.S.

Kiss the rings, bitch.

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Clay Travis is the founder of the fastest growing national multimedia platform, OutKick, that produces and distributes engaging content across sports and pop culture to millions of fans across the country. OutKick was created by Travis in 2011 and sold to the Fox Corporation in 2021. One of the most electrifying and outspoken personalities in the industry, Travis hosts OutKick The Show where he provides his unfiltered opinion on the most compelling headlines throughout sports, culture, and politics. He also makes regular appearances on FOX News Media as a contributor providing analysis on a variety of subjects ranging from sports news to the cultural landscape. Throughout the college football season, Travis is on Big Noon Kickoff for Fox Sports breaking down the game and the latest storylines. Additionally, Travis serves as a co-host of The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show, a three-hour conservative radio talk program syndicated across Premiere Networks radio stations nationwide. Previously, he launched OutKick The Coverage on Fox Sports Radio that included interviews and listener interactions and was on Fox Sports Bet for four years. Additionally, Travis started an iHeartRadio Original Podcast called Wins & Losses that featured in-depth conversations with the biggest names in sports. Travis is a graduate of George Washington University as well as Vanderbilt Law School. Based in Nashville, he is the author of Dixieland Delight, On Rocky Top, and Republicans Buy Sneakers Too.