A woman's guide to outkicking your coverage

In movies, the awkward fat kid in the corner wins over the head cheerleader because he's nicer than the quarterback. By now we all know this is bullshit. If you don't look like Ryan Gosling, you won't win her by being nice. During sorority rush, nice was how we described a girl we wanted to cut to the rest of the house. It was (really bitchy) code for bland and boring.

You know the stereotype: Nice guys finish last. And they do, but not because they're nice.  

Because that's all they are. 

Maybe your last girlfriend left you for a total asshole. First, that will be punishment enough for her. She will remember the nice guy she threw away when she's sobbing on the bathroom floor after finding nude pics of another woman on her boyfriend's phone. She may even think this is punishment for how she treated you. 

But she will not come crawling back. Let it go. 

Second, "asshole" isn't a quality that attracts women, even if that appears to be his primary character trait. If you look a little closer he's probably one of the following:

Talented. Guys confuse this with athletic. Being a great athlete is a talent, and one that attracts many women. But it's not that different than being a great mechanic or the most successful BMW salesman in the metro area. Ultimately, she wants to be with someone she's proud of. One of my ex boyfriends could build or fix anything. That was his sexiest quality, and I do mean that as a compliment. My roommate still asks if he'll come over to hang mirrors. 

What are you good at? Do that often. 

Ambitious. Where will you be 10 years from now? Still in that cubicle reading the mailbag every Friday? (Good for you. Aim high). This is not about money but about purpose. Life is short and all those cliches. By 30, you should have some idea what you want and how to get it.

Alternatively, come up with a convincing lie. 

Funny. If you can make her laugh, you'll succeed, even with no other redeeming qualities. 

Right Clay? 

Rich. Money is just a byproduct of the qualities above. Find your talent and be ambitious; you'll make money. Driving a Range Rover and living in Belle Meade because your parents pay for everything is not attractive. She wants to know how successful you'll be, not your dad. (Actually, how is Dad holding up?) 

Skeptical? There is not enough money in the world to make me want to sleep with this guy once, much less for the rest of my life:

Trust me on this, Bret Bielema didn't get his hot wife because he's rich, but because he's talented, ambitious, and probably funny as well. The trifecta! 

Regardless, if money is all you got going for you, you can still pull the hottest stripper at Deja Vu. 

Until she divorces you and takes half.