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On Monday, the internet was abuzz about comments made by Alabama coach Nick Saban. No, they had nothing to do with his Alabama football team, or the season ahead for the Crimson Tide. Instead, they came courtesy of an excerpt from a new Saban biography.
In the excerpt — tweeted out via Wall Street Journal writer Ben Cohen and picked up by several media outlets including Outkick the Coverage — Saban is caught giving out some especially poignant dating advice to his team.
Here is Saban’s direct quote, straight from Cohen’s tweet:
“…(you) guys out there chasing pussy, having all of these kids. And then you come in here and try to play football. Ultimately it’s a distraction. Ultimately, you don’t want to be out there chasing after midnight. If you haven’t locked it up by midnight, it’s not worth it.”
At this point Saban paused and shuffled on his feet. The color had risen in his face. His players had no idea what to expect next, “Ultimately, you never want to sleep with anybody who has less to lose than you do,” he said, “So, ultimately, if I’m ever going to sleep around on Miss Terry, it’s going to be with Hillary Fucking Rodham Clinton.”
Nick Saban, you devil you!
Naturally, the internet blew up with all sorts of pushback on the quote (that is just what the internet does after all), but personally I thought it was awesome.
I also had two big takeaways from what Saban said:
1. That’s actually pretty sound advice.
2. It’s interesting to consider Saban cheating on his wife.
Now Saban didn’t say that he would cheat on his wife, but he did lay out the ground rules. For him to even consider cheating, it would have to be with a woman who has more to lose than he did.
So who could possibly have more power than he does?
Well, there are only a few women who make that list. And because Outkick the Coverage loves Nick Saban, we decided to help the old coach out.
So who should Saban consider dating?
Here are a few of our suggestions.
Howard Stern is called “The King of All Media” and if that’s the case, then Oprah is definitely the queen. She is currently worth over $3 billion (enough to buy Nick Saban a whole fleet of private planes to recruit with), and also owns her own television network.
And if anything, that would be the biggest concern about a potential Oprah-Saban love affair: We all worried about Saban taking the Texas job because of the media commitments that came with it. So how could he possibly handle life in the spotlight with Oprah?
Also worth wondering: If he wasn’t interested in his own show on OWN, would he at least consider the possibility of a guest role in “The Butler 2” as a compromise?
Saban clearly has his eyes on the White House, but why wait for Hillary Clinton? Saban likes to go big (he has won four National Championships after all), so why not set his sights on the woman who already lives at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue?
My one concern with a potential Obama-Saban relationship is this: We all know that Obama is very passionate about bringing an end to childhood obesity. So how would it look for her to get caught dating a guy who is known to eat a pair of Little Debbie cupcakes every day for breakfast?
Swift is already well-known for dating bad boys, and who’s badder than Nick Saban, a man who makes 300 lb. teenagers cry with a single sideways glance? That’s why a relationship between the two would be perfect. Can’t you see Saban swooping up Swift on his jet ski and whisking her away to his house on Lake Burton?
Plus it would lead to the craziest revenge album ever when the two broke up.
Talk about “Bad Blood” huh?
(Here’s a bonus reason for Swift to consider a relationship with Saban: We all know Swift hates Katy Perry, and we also know Katy Perry is a huge college football fan. No better way to get back at Perry than by bagging the biggest name in college football. Saban has enough power to keep Perry off the set of College Gameday for the next 20 years if he wants to.)
The world famous author is worth over $80 million, and… On second thought, I think Saban might actually have more to lose in this relationship than James does.
After all, in the excerpt we shared above, the Alabama coach is pleading with his players to limit distractions around them.
And ultimately, what could be a bigger distraction than E.L. James releasing her next book, “50 Shades of Crimson” about her relationship with Saban?
And Bret Bielema thought his win over Texas was erotic.
Actually, you know what?
I’m pretty sure Coach K marked his territory here, years ago.
Talk about a power couple!
My only concern about a potential Saban-Kardashian relationship is this: After the Alabama coach lectured his players about having babies, how would it look for Saban to be seen around town with a woman who’s currently pregnant with someone else’s kid?
Her name might not be as familiar as the others listed, but Walton-Kroenke could potentially have more to lose than anyone mentioned above her.
For starters, she’s the wealthiest woman on this list; as one of the primary heiresses to the Walmart fortune, Walton-Kroenke is worth close to $5 billion. Her husband Stan Kroenke — owner of the Colorado Avalanche, Denver Nuggets and St. Louis Rams — is worth over $6 billion.
So first off, there’s a potential nine-figure divorce settlement coming for Walton-Kroenke if she gets caught with Saban.
Also, don’t forget this: Walton-Kroenke is originally from Arkansas. Can you imagine the uproar if the richest woman in the state got caught with the Alabama football coach?
It would make the Bobby Petrino affair look like two kids kissing on the playground.
I have no idea if Penny Marshall actually has anything to lose from a potential relationship with Saban… but just the thought of her and Saban dating made me laugh out loud.
Angela Merkel, Chancellor of Germany:
Talk about stakes in a relationship: If these two ever broke up, it could lead to World War III.
All of a sudden, the pressure of coaching in the Iron Bowl doesn’t seem so big, huh?
Aaron Torres is a contributor to Outkick the Coverage and FOXSports.com. Follow him on Twitter @Aaron_Torres, Facebook or e-mail at ATorres00@gmail.com.
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