It’s Mother’s Day morning. I’ve just showered, done my hair and finally put on my new Mother’s Day dress, and I’m naively feeling pretty good about myself for about seven seconds…
LOL, silly me! Barton merely glances at me and starts to legitimately laugh out loud.
For reference, not many things make him genuinely, audibly laugh; but apparently laying eyes on me that morning tickled his freaking fancy.
Me: “What’s so funny?”
Him: “Nothing, it’s just… your sleeves.”
Me, confused: “Yeah? What about them?”
Him: “I mean, nothing… they’re just… they’re… really puffy.” And then he proceeds to let out a hearty chuckle he can’t even halfway attempt to hide.
He was referring to my new dress with big, poofy sleeves—which, by the way, is very on trend right now. FOR THE RECORD.
Yes, my sleeves were large and in charge, and yes, they kind of overwhelmed the rest of my body, and okay yes, I might’ve had a hard time fitting through certain door frames. But I thought I looked good, damnit. So despite his bullying, I dug my heels in and kept the dress on.
Then I asked him to take a photo of the kids and me.
And that’s when things took a turn.
Me, shrieking in horror upon seeing the photo: “Welp, I look like a pastel hot air balloon. BARTON, WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THIS???”
Him: “I don’t know, because I thought it was obvious?! I mean, you saw me laughing at you, didn’t you? You have mirrors in your bathroom, don’t you??”
I promptly stripped off the hot air balloon dress, lit a match to it, scrubbed his phone of all photos of me in it and changed clothes.
Maybe I threw in the towel too early, y’all. Maybe I should’ve stood my ground and rocked the puffy sleeve trend, regardless of what a man says (and regardless of how much the camera mocked me). For what it’s worth, every woman who saw the dress said they loved it and would’ve worn it themselves, and then said something to the effect of, “men just don’t understand.”
Which is exactly why we need to address this. Men, you might not understand why we wear long-sleeved maxi dresses that look like they were stolen off the set of Little House On The Prairie, but it’s important to understand that we will never stop. We will, however, acknowledge these 8 trends that we know will turn a man off quicker than we can say “mom jeans.”
Aaaand cue the Seinfeld “the puffy shirt” jokes. Go on, we can handle it. It’s not like we haven’t heard it before. Other monikers for this style that my friends’ husbands have used include “Little Bo Peep” and “a linebacker.” Sure, our shoulders might look freakishly large, BUT our waist looks smaller! I will gladly resemble the Michelin Man on the upper part of my body if it means my waist looks small or that my ribcage is missing a few ribs.
Big, Baggy Dresses
We women salivate over a big, baggy, potato sack dress—the less shape it has, the better. What’s under that dress, you might wonder? A nice ass? Unshaven legs? A small child? You may never know. It’s our little secret, guys. We like to keep y’all guessing. So what if we like to have a fashionable tent to drape over our bodies when we’re feeling a little bloated, that’s our prerogative. Bonus points if said huge baggy dress has huge pockets for us to stuff a ton of crap into that we probably don’t need.
High-Waisted Mom Jeans
If there’s one thing a woman loves, it’s a good pair of mom jeans; specifically a pair that comes up well past her belly button, and preferably almost touching her boobs. Oh and a loose pair that doesn’t suction cup her thighs and calves not unlike a sausage casing. You might think these types of jeans make our butts look like a large, flattened pancake that’s not fully cooked and is a little mushy in the center. And we might agree with you. (I definitely agree with you.) But there is zero chance we’re returning to low-rise skinny jeans in this lifetime—we’ve gotten a taste of the good life and there’s no turning back. So it’s best just to accept it and move
If you hate baggy dresses on women, then you probably hate rompers and jumpsuits, too. While we women find them super chic and stylish, men tend to find them unflattering and frumpy and liken them to something a toddler might wear. Speaking of toddlers, sometimes we almost wet our pants when we wear rompers because rompers are extremely hard to get off. Going to the bathroom in a timely manner then becomes a major issue. Sexy, huh?
I’m a little confused myself at how biker shorts are now being considered an acceptable option to wear out in public/not at a gym, but here we are. All I can say is be careful what you wish for, guys—if you cancel our potato sack dresses because they are shapeless, then you’re stuck with neon spandex shorts that show every nook and cranny.
Bandanas Tied Around Our Neck
When I first wore this look, Barton referred to me as “Buffalo Bill” for the entirety of the evening. It was semi-funny the first fourteen times; after that I removed the bandana from my neck, only with the intention of strangling him.
The Kardashians can pull these off while lying half-naked on a yacht in the south of France, but a woman wearing her favorite toddler romper while driving three screaming kids around a suburban neighborhood in her mini-van probably looks a wee bit ridiculous in sunglasses that take up 87% of her face—or so say the men I’ve talked to. Personally any time I’ve ever tried on a pair of oversized sunglasses, Barton has first immediately told me I look completely absurd and then asked, “But why do your cheeks, eyebrows and majority of your forehead need to be shaded from the sun, too?”
Even I have to admit that this huge chunky sneaker trend looks dangerously similar to Dad Sneakers, so part of me can’t even blame men for hating on this. The large chunky soles do make us taller, so maybe men are intimidated by our sudden newfound height? Or maybe they just hate these shoes because they’re ugly AF. That’s probably it.
Okay men, did I miss anything? Let us have it.