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8 Things Women Wear That Turn Men Off

It’s Mother’s Day morning. I’ve just showered, done my hair and finally put on my new Mother’s Day dress, and I’m naively feeling pretty good about myself for about seven seconds…

LOL, silly me! Barton merely glances at me and starts to legitimately laugh out loud.

For reference, not many things make him genuinely, audibly laugh; but apparently laying eyes on me that morning tickled his freaking fancy.

Me: “What’s so funny?”

Him: “Nothing, it’s just… your sleeves.”

Me, confused: “Yeah? What about them?”

Him: “I mean, nothing… they’re just… they’re… really puffy.” And then he proceeds to let out a hearty chuckle he can’t even halfway attempt to hide.

He was referring to my new dress with big, poofy sleeves—which, by the way, is very on trend right now. FOR THE RECORD.

Yes, my sleeves were large and in charge, and yes, they kind of overwhelmed the rest of my body, and okay yes, I might’ve had a hard time fitting through certain door frames. But I thought I looked good, damnit. So despite his bullying, I dug my heels in and kept the dress on.

Then I asked him to take a photo of the kids and me.

And that’s when things took a turn.

Me, shrieking in horror upon seeing the photo:  “Welp, I look like a pastel hot air balloon. BARTON, WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THIS???”

Him: “I don’t know, because I thought it was obvious?! I mean, you saw me laughing at you, didn’t you? You have mirrors in your bathroom, don’t you??”

I promptly stripped off the hot air balloon dress, lit a match to it, scrubbed his phone of all photos of me in it and changed clothes.

Maybe I threw in the towel too early, y’all. Maybe I should’ve stood my ground and rocked the puffy sleeve trend, regardless of what a man says (and regardless of how much the camera mocked me). For what it’s worth, every woman who saw the dress said they loved it and would’ve worn it themselves, and then said something to the effect of, “men just don’t understand.”

Which is exactly why we need to address this. Men, you might not understand why we wear long-sleeved maxi dresses that look like they were stolen off the set of Little House On The Prairie, but it’s important to understand that we will never stop. We will, however, acknowledge these 8 trends that we know will turn a man off quicker than we can say “mom jeans.”

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Puffy Sleeves

Aaaand cue the Seinfeld “the puffy shirt” jokes. Go on, we can handle it. It’s not like we haven’t heard it before. Other monikers for this style that my friends’ husbands have used include “Little Bo Peep” and “a linebacker.” Sure, our shoulders might look freakishly large, BUT our waist looks smaller! I will gladly resemble the Michelin Man on the upper part of my body if it means my waist looks small or that my ribcage is missing a few ribs.

Big, Baggy Dresses

We women salivate over a big, baggy, potato sack dress—the less shape it has, the better. What’s under that dress, you might wonder? A nice ass? Unshaven legs? A small child? You may never know. It’s our little secret, guys. We like to keep y’all guessing. So what if we like to have a fashionable tent to drape over our bodies when we’re feeling a little bloated, that’s our prerogative. Bonus points if said huge baggy dress has huge pockets for us to stuff a ton of crap into that we probably don’t need.

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High-Waisted Mom Jeans

If there’s one thing a woman loves, it’s a good pair of mom jeans; specifically a pair that comes up well past her belly button, and preferably almost touching her boobs. Oh and a loose pair that doesn’t suction cup her thighs and calves not unlike a sausage casing. You might think these types of jeans make our butts look like a large, flattened pancake that’s not fully cooked and is a little mushy in the center. And we might agree with you. (I definitely agree with you.) But there is zero chance we’re returning to low-rise skinny jeans in this lifetime—we’ve gotten a taste of the good life and there’s no turning back. So it’s best just to accept it and move

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Rompers

If you hate baggy dresses on women, then you probably hate rompers and jumpsuits, too. While we women find them super chic and stylish, men tend to find them unflattering and frumpy and liken them to something a toddler might wear. Speaking of toddlers, sometimes we almost wet our pants when we wear rompers because rompers are extremely hard to get off. Going to the bathroom in a timely manner then becomes a major issue. Sexy, huh?

Biker Shorts

I’m a little confused myself at how biker shorts are now being considered an acceptable option to wear out in public/not at a gym, but here we are. All I can say is be careful what you wish for, guys—if you cancel our potato sack dresses because they are shapeless, then you’re stuck with neon spandex shorts that show every nook and cranny.

Bandanas Tied Around Our Neck

When I first wore this look, Barton referred to me as “Buffalo Bill” for the entirety of the evening. It was semi-funny the first fourteen times; after that I removed the bandana from my neck, only with the intention of strangling him.

Humongous Sunglasses

The Kardashians can pull these off while lying half-naked on a yacht in the south of France, but a woman wearing her favorite toddler romper while driving three screaming kids around a suburban neighborhood in her mini-van probably looks a wee bit ridiculous in sunglasses that take up 87% of her face—or so say the men I’ve talked to. Personally any time I’ve ever tried on a pair of oversized sunglasses, Barton has first immediately told me I look completely absurd and then asked, “But why do your cheeks, eyebrows and majority of your forehead need to be shaded from the sun, too?”

Fashion Sneakers

Even I have to admit that this huge chunky sneaker trend looks dangerously similar to Dad Sneakers, so part of me can’t even blame men for hating on this. The large chunky soles do make us taller, so maybe men are intimidated by our sudden newfound height? Or maybe they just hate these shoes because they’re ugly AF.  That’s probably it.

Okay men, did I miss anything? Let us have it.

Written by Hayley Simmons

21 Comments

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  1. Don’t knock the Dad sneakers (mine are the white New Balance ones). One of my son’s teammates loved them last year, since they are apparently back in style, and I wore them to all the games as a good luck charm. They seemed to work, too.

  2. Hmmm… gotta respond here.
    1. Big purses are ridiculous. The differences between men and women can be summed up by comparing a wallet (men) to a purse (women). And why the enormous purses? You all can’t find anything in your small purses so why get a big purse?
    2. Converse sneakers and bandanas. Both are butt-ugly and un-feminine. High correlation that you’re probably playing for the other team if you even wear one of these. If you’re wearing both? Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
    3. Any kind of platform shoes. Those are for strippers. We don’t want you to be 6′ tall tottering around on those things. Wear something tasteful. There are so many other footwear options.
    4. Baggy shapeless jeans, dresses, whatever. We know what’s up when you wear these. Might as well have a sign over your head proclaiming to all: “I’m on my period!”.
    5. There is no such thing as fashion sneakers. Just like there is no such thing as fashion orthopedic shoes so don’t even try.
    6. Biker shorts pulled up into you-know-where. Gross. Just. Gross. There’s a handful of IG hotties that can pull this off. Just a handful.
    7. Tattoos. They turn into ugly purple blobs. Tattoos = issues.
    8. Poofy anything. Un-sexual. We don’t want you to look like Katy Perry. She’s the poster child for poofy.
    9. Minivans. You lose all of your sexuality stepping into one. Though some of you may be happier with that choice.

  3. Gaucho pants. They make even thin women look fat, and they make heavy women look REAL fat. Kind of like long overcoats make short men look shorter. But a least tall men can pull off that look. No woman can pull off the flared gaucho pant look.

  4. I am glad a woman finally said something about this trend. I noticed recently that women’s fashion seems to be getting, how do I say it, more “asexual”? You can tell it’s some sort of a agenda push to blur the lines between male and female attire. The styles are unflattering to a woman’s figure, let’s say it that way. These big old baggy long dresses and puffy sleeves look like a homeless Stevie Nicks or the costume designer from Little House on the Prairie broke into department stores. Burn that stuff. And the mom jeans? Really? Mom jeans? What terrorist brought those back out of moth ball storage into the light of day? Arrest them. It can’t be coincidence that mom jeans started reappearing on the market at the same time Covid broke out from the Wuhan lab. It’s gotta be related. The birth rate in this country will plummet daily the longer these “fashions” see the light of day.

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