Okay guys, it’s that time again. The time where we all put our heads together and decide what we will and won’t allow into the New Year. This is America, and we need to take a stand. So I’ve gotten us started with a running list below. Last year, I had a whopping 11 things that I forbade in 2013. (2012 was a really annoying year for me. I discovered Chubbies, Jessica Simpson was pregnant for forever, Florida didn’t go away… just, everything. Ugh.) For some reason I must’ve been less annoyed this year, because I only have seven concrete bannings for the year 2014. Please let me know if I’ve left any out.
This has got to stop, guys. It’s become an epidemic this year and it’s affecting me mentally, emotionally and on some occasions, spiritually. (is the Lord’s day, a-holes, not “Selfie !”)
There is no caption that makes a selfie okay. Not even a caption saying “#bored.” Being bored does not justify your actions. If someone is bored and the only thing they can possibly think of to do is take 35 photos of themselves until they find the *perfect* shot to post, tricking the entire Interweb into thinking they are approximately 80% more attractive than they really are (that’s called being a con artist, guys), then said person needs to take a step back, reevaluate things and invest in a freaking book. Actually, I personally will buy you a lifetime library membership so that you will never be bored again if it means saving my pupils from seeing your self-absorbed glamour shots all up in my newsfeed (and, after that, all up in my nightmares).
The only thing worse than a selfie by itself is a selfie where you’re actually acknowledging that what you’re doing is ridiculous, i.e. a caption saying, “I know, selfies are lame…#LOL!” Again, this doesn’t excuse you from public ridicule. It’s not like how when your mom told you that if you make fun of your small bra size FIRST then none of the other girls at the high school lunch table will have anything left to make fun of you about (I don’t want to talk about it). No, that’s not how this works. So let’s all just slowly back away from the camera phones and play a good old fashioned board game together until the urge to photograph ourselves and upload it onto a social media platform passes.
2. Luke Bryan’s skinny jeans.
When your jeans are more offensive than Nik Wallenda’s dad jeans, it’s time to call it a day. I’ve seen entirely too many award shows this year where Luke Bryan’s skinny jeans have taken over my TV screen and grossly offended me. I have questions about this jean situation… lots of questions. Have you ever really just stopped and looked closely at them? I mean, how can… it’s just… but where does the… sigh. Nevermind. All I can say is this man has a hell of a lot of confidence. I can also say that his skinnies just don’t do it for me. At all. Seeing his thighs squished into two sparkly denim sausage cases and bulging out uncomfortably when he does his little wide-legged squat dance during his songs does not make me feel all sexytime-tingly on the inside. In fact, it kind of does the opposite for me, as in it makes me want to never lay eyes on a beefy male upper thigh and buttocks region ever again for the rest of my life. I figured I’d let the jeans do the talking from here, as nothing I could say could ever do them justice.
3. Being “Gluten Free”
Will everyone just please eat gluten again? Please? Because there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell everyone: chances are, you are not allergic to it! Yes, you there, eating the gluten-free granola bar that cost as much as a dinner at Applebee’s. Chances are even higher that you have diagnosed yourself with this ambiguous allergy because it’s a major buzzword and you think it sounds cool. Maybe you read about it in a post from some trendy foodie blogger or heard about it from some hippie in a coffee shop. Maybe you think it’s some sort of dieting tactic because every sexy, svelte celebrity in LA now magically cannot be within five feet of a morsel of gluten or they will DIE A VIOLENT AND INSTANT DEATH. Is that it? Is that why you’re all doing this, guys? Because I have to tell you, just because your industrial-sized box of Cheez-Its has a little label on the corner with “Gluten-Free!!!” written in bright yellow, happy bubble letters doesn’t mean you’re making the smarter snacking decision! Take a warm, gooey chocolate chip cookie the size of your head, slap a gluten-free stamp on it and you people virtually inhale it and then brag about your healthy lifestyle (probably while posting a selfie, you jerk). So let’s just stop all of this mess now. Y’all should be relieved to hear you’re not actually plagued with this merciless disease because now you won’t have battle through the trenches of the terrifying hipster jungle known as Whole Foods and spend $17 on a loaf of gluten-free bread. So what I’m trying to say is, you’re welcome. Just friends helping friends here.
4. Public sonogram pictures.
If I see one more fuzzy outline of a fetus on someone’s Facebook page, I am going to legitimately lose it. Also, I am going to do a bunch of other terrible things, because that’s just how passionate I am about this. It’s way too personal and a little disturbing and sometimes there’s an unacceptable caption about morning sickness vomit or placenta or something and then I die a little on the inside.
The miracle of conception and birth is a beautiful thing, and I understand you might be extremely proud of the fact that you managed to create another actual human being. After the sonogram, you leave the doctor’s office with a printed blurry image in your hand and you will be damned if the WHOLE ENTIRE INTERNET doesn’t see what you skillfully and drunkenly made after your office Christmas party. When you start to feel that sort of pride bubbling up inside of you, just calmly walk away from your laptop, drive to your nearest Hobby Lobby, purchase some manila paper, a glue stick and a 3-ring binder and scrapbook the HELL of out it. Maybe buy some baby stickers or some little diaper cut-outs and just let yourself go, I mean just go to town on it, y’all. Not the crafty type? Not a problem—you can just buy a frame and hang it over your mantle. Then the fetus image of your unborn child will be forever available for the audience it was intended for: YOU. (Not me.)
5. Justin Bieber’s tattoos.
I thought we climaxed with the Justin Bieber ridiculousness when he peed in a restaurant mop bucket while screaming “F*** Bill Clinton!” (?????) But then he went and got a million unfathomably stupid tattoos. He has 20 of them, to be exact. He said in an interview with Ellen DeGeneres that he likes “classic” tattoos. Yes, because if there is one word to describe this it would definitely be classic:
The only person with more issues than The Biebs is this grown man who got a tattoo of Bieber’s face on the front of his thigh:
I am legitimately scared for our country. Which brings us to my next point…
6. Miley Cyrus’ tongue and genital region.
A novice writer would’ve simply listed “Miley Cyrus” in general as their #5. However, I’m not going to completely dismiss Miley as a whole; it is with much sorrow and regret that I confess my love affair with the new music she’s been putting out these days. Let’s cut the crap here, guys: her stuff is catchy, and she’s doing SOMETHING right. Even if you don’t think so, the rest of America does, which is evident from the Billboard charts lately. So to say Miley Cyrus isn’t allowed into 2014 would be wrong. However, we can absolutely forbid Miley Cyrus’ ghastly tongue and over-exposed genital area from following us into the new year. We can, and we will.
Does this image haunt anyone else?
Poor Billy Ray. He doesn’t ask for much, you know. All he wanted from any of us is just for no one to mess with his achy breaky heart. Because then his heart might blow up and KILL HIM, y’all. That’s murder, inadvertently. Do you want that on your hands? I don’t think so. Not quite the destiny we’d wish on the man who single-handedly breathed new life into country music via that luscious mullet, is it?
But what did Miley do? She humped on a foam finger on national television while spanking a transvestite in a pink bear costume while casually singin’ a little diddy about ingesting illegal drugs in a bathroom stall. Oh, and all the while with her tongue hanging out and her and hoo-ha being thrust in everyone’s face.
RIP sweet Billy Ray.
7. The entire state of Florida (again).
Let’s all stop and give Florida a massive round of applause for making it onto this list two years in a row. What a freaking powerhouse of absurdity. And so wonderfully consistent about it, too. I can always count on Florida to be at the crux of the day’s most insane news stories each evening. It takes some sort of special skill to have the most truly ridiculous things in the entire universe happen in your own backyard. I mean, if I had a nickel for every time I see a headline like this:
Of course that happened in Florida. And of course they were going to Taco Bell. OF COURSE.
True story: I literally cannot count how many times I’ve been halfway listening to the news and missed the first part of it, but then some detail of the story catches my ear because it’s so inexplicably bizarre and I say out loud to whoever is around me, “Bet ya that’s in Florida” … AND THEN IT IS.
If you think I’m being too harsh on the sunshine state, then please take a moment to read this article for yourself. Now. PLEASE. With haste! I do not want to be the only one who knows all of this:
I truly cannot pick my favorite. Can y’all? Although, this one’s pretty amazing:
Here’s to a hopefully less annoying 2014!