Coaches are teachers.
The men we trust to instill valuable life lessons, the non-biological father figures who take us from boy to man.
Forthright, honest figures whose word is their bond.
Men like Bobby Petrino.
In 1988 a preacher named Robert Fulgham made tens of millions of dollars by writing a book called, “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.”
The life lessons were captivating and saccharine, like being locked up in a gingerbread house prison.
Nearly twenty-five years later, it’s time for a new version inspired by Bobby Petrino’s fall from grace.
From Boss Hogg to choking his own hog in the space of a week.
Yep, it’s time for a ree–mix.
“All I Really Need to Know I Learned from Bobby Petrino.”
1. Do not ride motorcyles.
2. If you must ride a motorcycle, do not ride it with a 25 year old blonde who is not your wife clutching your back.
3. Always be prepared for the unexpected crotch grab.
Assuming BMFP actually wrecked his bike and wasn’t beaten up by the swim coach fiance, if he’d only known the crotch grab was coming, he wouldn’t have wrecked.
4. Whatever you do, buy your own cell phone.
Bobby Petrino made $3.6 million a year.
He could have had the best cell phone with the best calling and texting plan on Earth for $3k a year.
That’s a rounding error on his salary.
Petrino made $10k a day.
So he could have covered his entire year’s cell phone plan in about three hours.
Instead every call and text he ever sent is easily uncovered.
5. Do not lie, cheat, or steal, unless you are smart enough to successfully lie, cheat, or steal.
6. If you think the word tried is spelled with a “y,” then you are not smart enough to successfully lie, cheat, or steal.
7. Wear motorcycle helmets.
8. Grown men should never use two things in written communication: exclamation points or emoticons.
There are no exceptions to this rule.
9. Wearing a 2011 Sugar Bowl hat does not cover up all wrongdoing.
But not all.
Especially when you lost that game to Jim Tressel, perhaps the only coach that Petrino can now look trustworthy.
10. When you need a crime covered up, call your friends in the Arkansas state police.
11. Hire your own private physician and have him meet you at your own private hospital when you are badly beaten up and want to avoid immediate public scrutiny.
From this hidden location you can more easily plan your cover-up.
12. Do not send and receive 4,300 texts from a woman other than your wife.
If your wife texts you twenty times a day, however, this is grounds for divorce.
13. If you are over the age of 50 and “friends” with an attractive 25 year old woman, you are not really friends, you are trying to sleep with this woman.
If “your gay.”
14. Don’t cross a man named Lt. Colonel Tim K’Nuckles.
I’m praying this line appears in a movie about his life. “That’s K — apostrophe — (throws punch and lays out criminal) nuckles, bitch.”
15. When another man beats the crap out of you for sleeping with his soon-to-be-wife, blame something other than a made-up motorcycle accident.
A fall downstairs?
Tiger Woods’s wife got loose with the five-iron again?
16. It’s never a good idea to text while horny.
In fact, if a man has an erection he shouldn’t be allowed to communicate with anyone except an actual partner with him having sex.
Otherwise, only bad things happen.
17. If you ever find yourself paying $20,000 in cash to anyone for anything, you’ve made some bad choices to get to this point.
18. Do not keep a mistress.
19. If you keep a mistress, do not hire her at your job.
20. If you ever contemplate taking a picture of your genitals, punch yourself in the groin.
Most women don’t enjoy seeing a penis in person.
Much less your hairy balls on video.
Don’t Favre yourself.
21. The cover-up is always worse than the crime.
Unless you hired your mistress at a public job and lied about that for months at a time.
And then got beat up by her fiance.
Then…you’re pretty much screwed no matter what you say.
OKTC’s coverage of l’affaire Petrino.