After fielding numerous requests from y’all to bring back the OKTC Gift Guide, I had a few thoughts: A) I’m flattered my gift picks were a hit with your ladies, B) y’all really are clueless, C) no like, REALLY clueless, D) how many marriages did I save with that article? E) OMG how many marriages will be left in shambles this year if I DON’T write this article? F) no really, how can y’all be so clueless?
But I didn’t have time for such musings, because I had a job to do. A very important job that entailed inadvertently getting you guys laid (WHAT has my life come to?), which is really the only reason you’re all so desperate to get her the perfect gift, right? Right. Way to tap into the true meaning of the holiday spirit, guys.
This year my own personal wish list looks a wee bit different; this year, I am asking for everything–literally all of the things–because I deserve them all since I just birthed a whole human out of my body. However, I’ve tailored this list to include only a handful of the best gifts you can’t go wrong with putting under the tree. I either want or already own variations of them all so you know I’m not leading you astray.
Without further ado, I’ll leave you with this fail-proof wish list and send you on your merry way.
I have a pair similar to these and whenever I wear them I feel like a female rapper. On the off chance that your girlfriend doesn’t have a burning desire to feel like Nicki Minaj (in which case you should probably consider getting a new girlfriend) she’ll still feel really cool wearing these on a plane, at the gym or at the coffee shop.
No, this doesn’t mean you get her an actual bucket to use as a bag (well you could, if you have a death wish). And yes, bags are expensive. Good bags, that is. My husband’s head nearly exploded when he learned that the device we women carry our money in actually costs more than the amount of money we’ll ever have in said purse at any given moment. Add this to the running list of things about women you’re just going to have to get over and accept, along with talking about our feelings, crying for no reason and going to the bathroom in pairs.
Two other less expensive yet just as great alternatives: Madewell Lafayette Bucket
Right up there with huge blanket scarves and gladiator sandals, men will never “get” statement necklaces. Men will never understand why we would wear a heavy eight-pound necklace on our chests that has more trinkets hanging off of it than a mobile in a newborn’s crib and jingles louder than a god-awful Mississippi State cowbell, but some things just aren’t meant to be understood OKAY?
We love statement necklaces because we are strong, independent women who have a powerful statement to make and feel we can best express ourselves and our formidable views through the use of creative jewels. JK, we love them because all the young hot celebs are wearing them in our US Weekly mags so of course we’re putting it on our bodies and we’re not asking questions.
Wine Club Subscription
Give your girl the true gift of love and happiness this season: an endless supply of alcohol.
Instead of her opening the front door to find you standing there at the end of the day, let her open the door to come face to face with a big ol’ box of glorious wine, delivered directly to her front porch and hand-picked according to her tastes. When you purchase this subscription for her, she’ll get three bottles a month for $39 and she’ll receive wine selections based on her personal palate profile. It’s truly the gift that keeps on giving–it’s like Christmas morning comes EVERY month!
Chic Workout Clothes
My all-time favorite meathead douche that’s ever appeared on The Bachelorette (and there have been a LOT of meathead douches who’ve gotten out of those limos) once bravely said to the girl he was trying to win over with a completely straight face, “If you get fat, I will still love you… I just won’t love ON you as much.” DEAR GOD I LOVE THAT SHOW.
Listen, guys: if you’re going to expect us to work out to look good for you, then we’re going to expect you to shell out the big bucks for us to look hot while doing it. That’s all there is to it.
Scientifically and mathematically speaking, I can run approximately four times longer and roughly seven point five times faster when I’m wearing cute workout clothes that make my butt look good. CRAZY, right? I know, it’s just the strangest thing.
There is just something about well made (read: expensive) workout clothes that makes our Amy Schumer bodies magically morph into Megan Fox when we slip on those sleek (read: industrial strength) spandex pants. Guys, listen to me here, I mean this when I say it: high quality workout attire is MORE than worth it. I promise you–this is not a ploy. It lasts longer, looks better and most importantly holds EVERYTHING in. Your wife will thank you as will the rest of the gym patrons around her.
There isn’t a woman on the face of this planet who would say she has enough shoes. That’s the first rule of Womanhood 101: you will never have enough shoes, ever, and don’t you dare let anyone try and convince you otherwise.
That being said, I listed two great options for this year: a classic leather bootie that never goes out of style, and the more trendy lace-up flat that’s currently all over the place right now.
Or if you really want to up the ante: Stuart Weitzman Gilligan Flat
Warby Parker Sunglasses
Classically cool shades should be a staple in every woman’s wardrobe. But here’s the caveat: step away from the played-out Ray-Bans and step into the world of Warby Parker. (They just opened a new Nashville shop in Edgehill Village, so if you’re in town you can literally step into the world of Warby Parker.)
For everyone else, ordering online couldn’t be easier and there are tons of styles to pick from. I’ve given you my personal favorites, but get the style you think best suits your ladyfriend’s face frame. On second thought, that’s giving you WAY too much autonomy over this situation and that makes me nervousâjust go with the ones I’ve picked for you. This is no time to be experimenting with your ability to make logical decisions on your own without any supervision.
BONUS Stocking Stuffer: Instant Film Camera
Your girlfriend is already making you pose with her for endless photos this holiday season (yes, she is right, you DO need one of y’all in front of every angle of the Christmas tree, even from the back of it where there are no ornaments because no one can see it). So why not make the best of it and get her a fun, retro-inspired instant Polaroid camera and provide instant gratification?
The upside for you is that if she’s busy admiring the real photo in her hand, she’ll be less likely to post the 46 photos of you looking like an idiot in a Santa hat on Facebook.
BONUS Stocking Stuffer: Bracelet Flask
When in doubt, just order one of these in every color and call it a day.
Last year’s list was quite a success and I still stand by all of the items on it, so if nothing above tickles your fancy feel free to reference THIS for more inspiration.
Okay, I’ve done all I can do here. Now all you have to do is not screw this up. Godspeed.