2014 Christmas Gift Guide: For The Guy Who Doesn't Have A Clue

Well, it's that time again, guys; €”time to wait until the very last minute and buy the only sad little gift left on the sad little shelf at the JC Penney's and crush your lady's Christmas dreams to smithereens yet again! 

But it doesn't have to be this way. If you're tired of seeing the despondent look in her eyes when, year after year, she opens up what she refers to as "the box of tears" and puts your gift in the back closet where Christmas wishes go to die, then get control of your life for once and read on.

Maybe you're wondering why a gift guide is necessary on OKTC. Maybe you think while some chumps may need a specified list, you sure as heck do not. But let me tell you: yes, you need this. You ALL need this like you need a football game in the dead of July. You know how I know you need it? Because one Christmas my friend Mary* received a printer from her husband. And because another Christmas my  friend Susan* received a T-shirt from the gift shop of a hotel she and her husband stayed at right before, along with "organic" flip flops, whatever that means (for the record, Susan had actually asked for Tory Burch leather sandals... NOPE, NOT THE SAME). And one dreadful, horrible Christmas, my friend Janet* received -- I can hardly bring myself to type this out -- tickets to a sporting event. All of these gifts might have been appropriate for other occasions, but they certainly did not cut it as Christmas gifts from their significant others. Christmas gifts from our men are supposed to be bought with love and thoughtfulness and embody the deep, passionate love you feel for us. And bulky office equipment just doesn't quite capture that sentiment.

(*Not their real names because I don't want to be responsible for causing another divorce from one of my articles.)

Being a woman myself, and moreover, a woman who has had personal experience with soul-crushing presents, I've compiled some thoughts to help get your Christmas juices flowing. You can take my suggestions verbatim, or you can simply take these ideas and run with them -- take them in any direction you feel best fits your girlfriend or wife. These are all pretty classic gifts you can't really screw up even if you buy different variations of them, and they're all things I would want myself. So go ahead, frolic into the magical and sometimes terrifying Christmas Wonderland known as The Mall (or Amazon.com, for the faint of heart) and go cra-zay, guys (except just not in the JC Penney's. This is not 1997 and you can do better than that.)

1. A nice cookbook.

Kicking things off with a tricky one here. Giving your girl a cookbook for Christmas is sort of along the same lines as giving her a vacuum, or worse, a gym membership. Side note: do not give your wife a gym membership for Christmas unless she falls under the category of those annoying skinny bitches who work out FOR FUN (I can't even type that without rolling my eyes out of the back of my head) and/or is a legitimate female body builder competing in the WWE. That's it. No exceptions.

Cookbooks are really on trend this year and can be a wonderful gift for us women: it sparks our ideas, gets our creativity rolling, excites and motivates us to expand our cooking repertoire, gives us a reason to entertain and invite friends into our homes, or in my case, it makes for a pretty display on a kitchen counter. And with as much viral recipe sharing that occurs online these days via Pinterest and Instagram, sometimes it's just nice to have a good old-fashioned bound book to actually thumb through the pages of.

The tricky part comes when it garners an adverse reaction, one of extreme annoyance that your gift is meant to put her to work. Or worse, that you're not-so-subtly implying she desperately needs to step up her culinary game.

My suggestion: The Skinnytaste by Gina Homolka

Disclaimer: not for women who have, in the past several weeks, asked their husbands "do I look fat in this?" Because while this is a wildly popular book that offers tons of deliciously healthy dishes, in her mind, giving her a cookbook named SKINNYtaste is simply your overwhelming affirmation that yes, in fact, she does look fat. And nothing says Christmas like a gift saying she needs better cooking skills AND she's a fatass!

Alternate suggestion: Easy Gourmet: Awesome Recipes Anyone Can Cook by Stephanie Le. The title says it all. A great buy.

And my suggestion for the girl who just doesn't give an EFF: The Mac + Cheese Cookbook by Allison Arevalo. She loves cheese, and she doesn't care who knows it. SO BACK OFF, OK?

2. A Fitbit.

If your wife or girlfriend is active (or aspires to be, which is really all that matters anyway, am I right, ladies?) but has to be chained to a desk at work for the better part of each day, then a Fitbit is a very useful and practical gift. Depending on which one you buy, she'll be able to track calories burned, distance traveled, steps taken, quality of sleep, and the newer models now vibrate and display incoming texts, emails, calls, app notifications, touch screen music displays and also has a "find my phone" feature. It's a great way to keep in tune with our bods and a way to be somewhat health conscious for us regular ole gals who aren't WWE competitors (there's got to be one guy out there reading this whose wife is a body builder, or else I'm wasting a TON of good lines over here).

My suggestion: Tory Burch for Fitbit Metal Hinged Bracelet. Be fit AND stylish all at the same time. Plus, this will go perfectly with the new gold watch you're going to give us too, right guys?

My other suggestions for the chick who wants to trick everyone into thinking she's hardcore: Any of THESE.

3. A tote bag (with attitude).

If there's one thing we women love, it's carrying around as much crap as we possibly can. Every day going into work, I look down and find myself carrying all of the following: a purse the size of carry-on luggage, a laptop bag slightly larger than that, a lunch bag, my makeup bag, a post-work gym bag, and then a few other miscellaneous vessels that seem to vary day to day, depending on the circumstances. By the time I'm halfway across the parking lot my shoulders have gone numb and I can't feel my arms anymore but I valiantly trudge on; it's the only way I know.

But wouldn't it be nice to streamline the process and combine at least a FEW of those things into one bag? And wouldn't it be even nicer if said bag had a phrase emblazoned on it that portrays to the world that we are fun and cool and quirky (and possibly a lush with questionable judgment)? Yes, the answer to these questions is yes, and luckily I've found the perfect tote to fit the occasion.

My suggestion: The Kate Spade Hashtag tote. (It's on sale!)

My suggestion for the woman not wanting everyone to know she is a lush with questionable judgment: Classic Nylon Phoebe.

You might scoff at the price tags of these bags, and if you're anything like my husband, point out that it's ridiculous to spend more money on a purse than you actually have IN your purse. But a Kate Spade bag of any sort is totally worth the investment and there isn't a girl on the planet that doesn't like this classic brand. Simple and timeless -- surefire homerun.

4. A plaid blanket scarf.

Girls go crazy for scarves. BIG, billowing scarves that can double as a blanket or a shawl or a table cloth (we like to be prepared, ok?). I can't explain the phenomena, but we love looping enormous scarves around and around until we have obliterated any sign of our necks and most of our upper bodies. And, before you go there, we don't care that you hate big scarves because of the fact that they cover up our boobs. The boobs are still there, just a little cozier and a lot warmer, so stop complaining. And married guys, you have it worse: married women are definitely not concerned about showing their boobs off to you anymore -- they know you've seen them enough times to hook you into making your way down to the alter -- so you better believe there's gonna be a lot of big boob-covering scarves in your future. You can find cute comfy scarves just about anywhere, but J.Crew and Zara have some great options at great price points.

My suggestions: J.Crew Lambswool Plaid Scarf or Zara Checkered Scarf. Remember guys, your wife doesn't have to wear the scarf with a button-down denim shirt like the picture below, or as my husband likes to call it, my "lesbian" shirt. So don't let that scare you off from this great gift option. If you're not into the lumberjack look, just tell us. Depending on how many gifts you buy us off this list, we might listen to you.

5. Diamond stud earrings.

What might be the most classic of all classic gifts. I do not care how many pairs of diamond earrings your wife owns: she NEEDS another pair. I don't even have to ask her, I just know. And you shouldn't even ask her either, you should just go out and buy them for her and watch her light up with pure unadulterated joy at the sight of those shiny little sparklers sitting in a cute little box. If you want to mix it up a bit, get a slightly varied version like the ones I've suggested below.

My suggestions: Kendra Scott 'Macy' Stud Earrings or Marc by Marc Jacobs 'Pave Disc' Stud Earrings. These super affordable options go with anything and everything.

Okay guys, I have given you the tools necessary to not screw up Christmas this year. If you are unsure about a potential present or have any questions, please ask me at @hayleyfrizank; it's important to not trust your own judgment here.

As a bonus, you can even mention that you got some ideas for her amazing gifts from OKTC and that way she won't yell at you (as much) for having your head in your computer reading Clay's columns all the time. Now that's a Christmas miracle!