2013 SEC Title CBS Drinking Game

It’s back!

#cbsdrink returns just in time for the final SEC football game of the year, the game everyone predicted back in August — Missouri vs. Auburn. 

I wish I could go back in time to write this column — not because I’d look like a genius — but to see the indignation that would have poured in over that prediction. 

Apologies for taking so long to get the rules up this week, but it’s been busy here. 

Hope y’all survived the ice storm. 

Play along with your Internet friends at #cbsdrink

1. When the BCS standings are shown, drink. 

Every time the impact of the BCS standings are discussed, drink anew. 

2. Every time last year’s Mizzou or Auburn records are referenced, drink. 

In case you aren’t aware, Mizzou and Auburn were a combined 2-14 in the SEC last year, 5-7 and 3-9, respectively. 

This is probably enough to get you drunk by itself. 

3. Gus Malzahn is a former high school football coach. 

Each time this is mentioned, drink.

Go ahead and drink anew when his new contract extension is referenced. 

4. Uncle Verne is Outkick’s favorite broadcaster, drink when he utters an, “Oh, my goodness,” or chortles. 

If you aren’t familiar with the Uncle Verne chortle, shame on you. 

And here it is. 

5. Nick Marshall does not often pass. Whenever he does pass, it’s analyzed in great detail.

Every time this analysis occurs, drink.

6. Whenever Auburn’s miracle touchdowns against Georgia and Alabama are shown, drink.

Actually, if you’re an Auburn fan, you probably haven’t stopped celebratory drinking since Saturday. 

7. If Nick Saban to Texas is mentioned, do a shot.

If Nick Saban appears at halftime wearing a Longhorn hat, winks at Bama fans and says, “Bama fans can go to hell, I’m going to Texas,” you’ve already had too much to drink.

You should probably stop.

8. Whenever a hot coed is shown in the stands, drink.

If you aren’t sure whether it’s a hot coed, adopt the standards of a 52 year old man at an SEC tailgate.

So, yeah, it’s a hot coed.  

9. If either Gary Pinkel or Gus Malzahn smile in an interview with sideline reporter Tracy Wolfson, drink.

Neither man has smiled in a TV interview since 1988.

10. Uncle Verne has not called a Mizzou game all year.

It’s possible he’s going to give credit for every touchdown pass to Chase Daniel.

Drink when Uncle Verne makes a mistake.

11. Gary Danielson has come out in favor of undefeated FSU and Ohio State advancing to the BCS title over a one-loss SEC team. 

If he starts to make this argument, drink. 

If he starts to make this argument and CBS suddenly loses its signal, rest assured Mike Slive yanked the broadcast cord.

12. Remember Kristi Malzahn, she’s Gus’s wife. 

Evidently Auburn fans have hidden her in the basement of Samford Hall. 

If she’s mentioned in any way, drink. 

(FYI, I miss Kristi). 

13. Last night Charles Barkley picked up the tab for every drink in an Atlanta bar. 

From the DJ booth, he took the mic and said, “This song’s for Bama fans.”

Then Cee-Lo’s “F— You,” came on. 

God, I love Charles Barkley. 

He’s here in the crowd. 

If you see Barkley, drink. 

(A reader just sent me video of the first time Charles Barkley hopped in the DJ booth last night. By the third and final time he went into the DJ booth — he kept extending the free drinks — he’d bought all the drinks in the bar last night).