The most common complaint I get on Twitter, “Your gay.”
The second most common complaint?
Why haven’t you had as many SEC drinking games this year?
Indeed, we’ve only done one big drinking game this year, for Bama at LSU. Yet #cbsdrink has grown so popular that we were trending nationwide within five minutes of kickoff. Tens of thousands of y’all are playing along now with your Internet friends.
The rules of #cbsdrink are simple, you guys follow along with the Verne Lundquist and Gary Danielson SEC on CBS broadcast and tally drinks by using the hashtag #cbsdrink. I work as a maestro of sorts although I’m constrained since I can’t actually hear the television broadcast. So I monitor what you guys Tweet and try and keep you updated by retweeting during the game.
Generally everyone is drunk by halftime.
Sometimes much earlier. (Hell, it’s a Saturday afternoon game. I’m not sure some of you ever sober up from Friday night).
Without further ado, let’s dive in to our 16 rules:
1. Every time Gary Danielson takes a subtle or not-so-subtle shot at Notre Dame, drink.
Gary is a velvet assassin, he’ll destroy Notre Dame throughout this game and after the game is over, if criticized, he’ll say, “I don’t know what you guys are talking about.”
(Note: I contempled drinking every time Notre Dame is mentioned, but I think that’s just too much to keep track of).
2. Drink every time Verne Lundquist makes a glaring play-by-play error.
That is, he calls a completion an incompletion, credits a tackle to David Pollack, or fails to recognize a basic tenet of the game.
Basically you know a Verne error when you see it.
Here’s a prediction for y’all, A.J. McCarron vs. Aaron Murray is going to be a disaster in this year’s game.
3. If Nick Saban smiles while the game is still in progress drink until the count of 29.
Because according to Alabama this is how many national titles Alabama has in the last 29 years.
29 for 29, amazing!
4. Whenever Georgia’s 35-7 loss to South Carolina is mentioned, drink.
This will probably get you drunk in the pregame monologue.
5. The BCS standings will be shown, many times.
Drink each time the BCS standings are shown.
If Gary Danielson telestrates on the BCS standings, do a shot.
6. Every time Uga is shown standing on the sideline, drink.
If either Verne or Gary attempt to guess what Uga might be thinking, do a shot.
7. Each time this game is referred to using a cliche about how important it is, drink.
A handy study guide: “playoff game,” “play-in game,” “BCS title elimination game,” “BCS title game,” “for all the marbles.”
By the way, do you ever think about how sports cliches become sports cliches?
“For all the marbles” is an absolutely hysterical phrase if you actually think about it.
How did this become a sports cliche?
My hypothesis: Back in 1948 some sports announcer lost a bet and his punishment was to start saying this. Then everyone copied him and now it’s a cliche.
That’s why from now on I’m saying every big game is, “for all the Monopoly railroads.”
8. Each time Mark Richt’s former stint on the hot seat is mentioned, drink.
If Verne’s retort includes the phrase, “cold seat,” do a shot.
9. When Herschel Walker is mentioned, do a shot.
He played thirty years ago.
Thirty years ago!
And Georgia fans still talk about him like he’s still 20 years old and just scored another touchdown.
If Herschel Walker is not mentioned, you have already passed out and aren’t really paying attention to the game.
10. When Verne Lundquist chortles, drink.
If you aren’t familiar with the Verne chortle, shame on you.
Study up with this video.
11. When Tracy Wolfson interviews Nick Saban and Saban turns from her and stares directly into the television, like he’s surveying your soul and finding you wanting, drink.
And try not to shiver.
12. Each time Jarvis Jones is shown in slow-motion instant replay NOT making a play, drink.
Jarvis Jones is the CBS replay star of the year.
Even when he isn’t making a play, they show him on instant replay in slow-motion.
It’s amazing, really.
13. When the CBS cameras catch hot Georgia or Alabama coeds in the crowd, drink.
If one of your buddies texts you about said coeds, drink until someone can pull up the photo of A.J. McCarron’s mom.
14. Drink every time Georgia defensive coordinator Todd Grantham is shown on the sideline throwing a fit that would make General George S. Patton blush.
If Grantham grabs a facemask, do a shot.
(Note: I initially called Todd Grantham, Scott Grantham, which was a Verne-esque error. I went to high school with Scott Grantham. He is not Georgia’s defensive coordinator).
15. Every time I retweet an Arkansas fan who thinks I’m gay and can’t tell the difference between your and you’re, drink.
If you’re thinking to yourself, why will Arkansas fans be Tweeting you angry things during the Georgia-Bama game?
It’s because they’re Arkansas fans.
16. Johnny Manziel will be mentioned.
Probably several times.
If you’re thinking, but Texas A&M isn’t playing — that doesn’t matter.
He’s the new Tebow.
Each time Manziel’s mentioned, drink.
If Verne Lundquist says, “Did you see that Scooby Doo costume? Oh. My. Goodness.” (chortle)
Then finish your drink, the game is officially over.
Okay, kids, start your preparations.
Remember, you can play along using the Twitter hashtag #cbsdrink Tweet us your set-up, your pics, basically have fun with it.
Also, if you haven’t signed up for Twitter yet, now is the time.