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We’ve all done it before: embarrassed ourselves in social media. It’s not hard to do, we’re all human and rarely analyze what we’re saying before tweeting. However, this isn’t an article about self help and cleaning up your twitter profile…it’s about 17 twitter man laws that should never be broken.
Twitter is a double edged sword when it comes to image with people dissecting every tweet you send and scrutinizing your choices in who to follow; right Lebron? The 140 character rants, jabs, or jokes attract more eyes to them than you ever anticipate so always keep that in mind. Don’t think I’m going to stand on my soapbox claiming to handle myself perfectly in public, I don’t. Think twice, tweet once before you leave an indelible mark on the social media community by drawing manhood into question.
Avoid girlfriends in the Avatar: I know the irony here won’t be lost considering the website’s name should be every man’s goal in life. Guys want to show off to the world when they convince a girl well out of their league to date (at least a few months anyways). What happens when things go south? Just like the facebook relationship status, there’s nothing more emasculating than announcing to friends you’ve been kicked to the curb. Don’t tell me it was your girlfriend’s idea to include the duckfacing posed picture, that’s even worse to cave and let her call the shots! Before you know it, those fall Saturday’s meant for tailgating and buffoonery will turn into trips to the mall. Stay strong, use that picture of a favorite player, team, or school instead so when the 6 month tryst is over, you don’t end up looking like a knob.
Skip the conversation with the girl you’re dating: You’re in a relationship and you want to talk to the girl? Great…don’t do it on twitter and make yourself look like a tool. There’s cool technological advancements like chat, texts, and emails to plan the evening’s activities…away from the public eye.
Don’t use twitter to hit on women: The fact I even need to bring this up scares me more than I can put into words. I’m appalled by the sheer stupidity of guys on twitter using awful lines (often inappropriate) on attractive women hoping she’ll give you the time of day. Act respectfully and show some class, there’s no need to make lewd comments you wouldn’t dare utter in public. Just think how you’d respond if someone made the same crude pass at your wife, mother, or sister. Don’t get me started on the guys using these tactics while operating under an alias…it might be ok to finally leave the parents basement and make real friends.
Control the Twitter meltdown: Fight the urge to melt down publicly on Twitter. We all have rough days, weeks, and months but that’s what your support group is for, not the social media community. I have news for you: people are assholes and all you’re doing is showing weakness. Confide in a friend, parent, or spouse but don’t think that guy asking for information on the Arkansas coaching search is concerned about the girl that rejected you at the bar.
Egg Avatar: Don’t pass go, don’t collect $200; you’re already failing in the game of life. Is there a better way to tell the social media community you just don’t care about image than by using the egg? This is the real world equivalent of leaving the house in sweatpants everyday hoping to be taken seriously. If you can learn to tweet, you can add an avatar (cue Dodgeball reference)
Refrain from Tweeting Your Own Praise: There’s no need to repeatedly tell people how awesome your betting record, art project, or vacation was this past weekend. We all need to feel good about ourselves but if something is truly special, the 95% of people on twitter who recognize talent will let you know contributions are appreciated. As far as re-tweeting others compliments, by all means take pride in their thoughtful words however no one cares to see 30 retweets of pats on the back. Respond to them and say thanks, don’t ship it out to the masses…your mom already knows you’re talented.
Don’t beg for Follows/RTs/FollowBacks: Don’t make deals with me or tell me why I NEED follow or RT you. Let 140 characters speak for themselves, content is king. Poignant and relevant information speaks volumes above all else. (Caveat on this comes when raising money for charity or trying to rally support for a worthy cause). Desire to gain followers? Not a worthy cause
Never use emoticons: Grown men don’t use smiley faces at the end of tweets, they just don’t.
Control the urge to troll: Why are people so angry? Worry about yourself and bring that rage up in your next therapy session. If a journalist says your team stinks remind yourself everything is decided on the field (except college football) and you calling people assholes won’t help the cause. Try making a rationale counter argument supported with facts and you’ll be pleasantly surprised with the response. We already have to tolerate Skip Bayless, don’t take a page from his playbook.
Berating recruits: We all made a choice at some point about where we wanted to head to college. Imagine doing that in the public eye, exposing yourself to abuse from total strangers. Have some class and act like adults; your actions not only reflect poorly on you but also on your alma mater. Threatening an 18 year old doesn’t make you funny or a tough guy, it makes you a clown.
Act like you’ve been there before: He who laughs first rarely laughs last. When you’re out there picking fights after a program changing win there’s a good chance it won’t end well. I have no interest in hearing how many championships your team’s won if the last title came 20+ years ago. (Alabama football fans are actually exempt from this rule since apparently they don’t lose).
Buying Followers: Nobody respects fake “popularity.” Your follower count doesn’t give you presence on twitter, the interactions you have with the community does.
Ignore the urge to over hashtag: Make the point and be done with it. Come up with a funny hash tag, use a team name but don’t hashtag 40 things in a tweet. Do your part to go green, save twitter filler and the timeline of everyone else.
Limit yourself to 1 #FF tweet: If you want to give a #FF, I’m all for it but don’t give me 387 people to follow on a random Friday. Share a few solid handles then regroup for next week while abiding by the 140 character maximum. Always remember, recommending someone as a follow reflects on you so choose wisely and if you tell me to follow 400 people, I probably won’t follow any of them.
Incoherent Tweets: Instantaneous information is the best part about Twitter. Take an extra 10 seconds to re-read your tweet and make sure the message is clear. No, this isn’t a senior thesis but doing your best to comply with verb noun agreement and word choice makes you appear literate.
Don’t post fake lines: What the hell good does posting a bet you made 3 weeks ago do for helping the community? It’s not assisting anyone and if you’re ashamed of the lines you’re actually betting, that’s an indictment of betting acumen. Serve to help others, don’t look for pats on the back from total strangers.
Remember you’re not an announcer: Unless you’re the official correspondent for a team, please refrain from tweeting play by play. Lucky for us, just about every game is on TV so sit back and enjoy. Share input when the time is right with a funny comment or three, not every single snap of a football game.
Have your own twitter man law violations? Feel free to post in the comments or tweet them my way and we’ll compile a complete list of OKTC readers own twitter man-law violations.