This year’s BCS title game is a big bowl of hate. Never have two college football teams who are more detested by the rest of the nation played for a national title, the Alabama Crimson Tide vs. the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, it’s a royal rumble of fan stupidity.
So if you hate Alabama and Notre Dame, who do you root for and who do you root against? Which team is actually more detestable?
That’s for you to decide.
But in the interests of fairness we decided to give you a handy 15 point rooting guide, 15 reasons to hate Alabama and 15 reasons to hate Notre Dame.
15 reasons to hate Alabama:
1. You’ve got to start with the Bama Bangs haircut.
How can an entire state adopt the most feminine haircut in the country? Even more of an indictment, how can women sleep with these men? That’s even more ridiculous.
Somehow Alabama is to blame for Justin Bieber.
Baby, that’s a fact.
2. Alabama fans want a genius for a football coach and a President they can share a beer with.
The rest of the country thinks this is backwards.
3. Bear Bryant, the most revered man in the state, was a racist alcoholic.
What more can you say?
4. Alabama has more fans without GED’s than any university in the country.
This is a fact.
Moving right along.
5. Nick Saban blamed Alabama fans for the 2009 Sugar Bowl loss.
Alabama fans agreed with him.
Yep, Alabama fans, patron saints of domestic abuse, also get domestically abused by their own coach.
6. All schools have sore losers. Alabama’s kill campus treasures that have been alive for over a hundred years.
And if you think it was a surprise that an Alabama fan did this, you have never been to Alabama.
7. Grown men cheer with pom-pons.
Watch the cheerleaders distribute the pom-pons before the game. Fraternity guys nearly fight over the final couple of free pom-pons. This. Really. Happens.
8. The entire state of Alabama is unable to distinguish between you’re and your.
Your next Notre Dame!
9. Your starting quarterback’s tattoo looks like this.
Yet, somehow it is still the classiest tattoo that any Alabama fan has.
Don’t believe me?
This guy actually exists.
He’s the Governor.
10. Tuscaloosa is Cherokee for “piece of crap town.”
The only good thing about the Trail of Tears? No one had to go back to Tuscaloosa.
11. Bernie Madoff is the most successful Alabama student of the past fifty years.
Of course he also embezzled billions of dollars via the largest pyramid scheme in American history and is serving life in prison.
12. Alabama has not been called for holding in an SEC game since 1964.
When an SEC official mistakenly made this call, he was forced to move to the only place in the world worse than Tuscaloosa…Tehran.
13. Alabama won the national title in 1941.
They claimed that title in 1986.
The Tide finished third in the SEC that year.
If Notre Dame claimed titles like Alabama did, the Irish would have ten more titles.
14. Governor George Wallace stood in the school house door at Alabama to keep black students from enrolling at the university.
Thousands of people who voted for him multiple times to be Governor and President will be in the stands at the BCS title game.
15. Initially the Confederacy had their national capitol in Alabama, but then they moved it.
Yep, Alabama, you weren’t even good enough for the Confederate States of America.
I like to picture Jefferson Davis, in an early signing day surprise, picking up the Virginia cavalier hat and tossing aside the Alabama kepi.
15 reasons to hate Notre Dame:
1. You are the most ridiculously overhyped team in all of sports.
At least teams like the Yankees, and the Celtics, and the Lakers actually win games. The last time you were ranked at the end of the season was 2006.
Since 1995, Notre Dame has won two bowl games.
That’s the same number as Vanderbilt.
2. Rudy Ruettiger is a stock scammer.
You remember Rudy, right? Lovable tiny walk-on they made the movie about.
The SEC, that’s the securities and exchange commission not the conference, charged him with stock fraud.
Yep, even Rudy cheats.
3. People actually cheer for Notre Dame because of their religion.
We have separation of church and state, but we don’t have separation of church and football.
Thomas Jefferson hates you too.
4. The lack of birth control.
Seriously, it’s not 1452, my wife doesn’t want to sleep with me already, and now I’ve got to wait for her to consult her ovulation chart so we don’t have our ninth kid?
I hate you.
5. Lou Holtz is on ESPN because he was your coach.
So you made America have to listen to Lou Holtz every weekend.
This standing alone is enough reason to hate you.
6. Two words; Ron Powlus.
You guys remember Ron Powlus, before he ever played a game Beano Cook said this about him: “Ron Powlus will win the Heisman two times and be the greatest quarterback in the history of Notre Dame.” Only, you guessed it, he didn’t manage to do anything at all.
That makes him the quintessential Notre Dame player, overhyped, not clutch.
Think this is a thing of the past?
See, Quinn, Brady.
7. The Golden dome.
“Oh, wow, your helmets are gold. That’s amazing. Good job, good effort.”
This is what you tell first graders.
Or Notre Dame fans.
Feel free to add your insults in the comments below.
OKTC will land in Miami tomorrow, we can’t wait.