13 Ways to Keep Your Husband Happy

After her mailbag debut Jennifer, an Auburn fan from suburban Nashville, wanted to write an entire column for how wives can keep their husbands happy. 

Yes, she is real.

Now she has advice for all married women. 

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A couple of weeks back, I wrote into the mailbag asking if I was the only wife giving her husband a weekly blowjob. Most people thought I was a blowjob deprived husband writing in hopes of his wife seeing it and somehow getting on board with the idea. Some commenters thought I was not real and another asked how big the diamond would have to be for me to leave my husband and marry him. Well, I got news for you, diamonds are not my thing, my husband is. If a girl insists on having a big diamond, that should be the first clue to get out while you still can. Anyway, I assure you I am real, and I have been married for 16 years and been with my husband for 20 years. I keep him happy from what I can tell, and now I will share 13 of the ways I do that.

1. Give him a blowjob at least once a week. This is not hard to do. It does not have to be the same day every week, but do it when the mood strikes you. He would be more than happy to come home from a long day of work to a blowjob. Trust me. And any man who says he doesn’t like blowjobs either had a bad experience or is married to someone who won’t give them. What a shame. As I said before ladies, put it in your mouth and tell me it doesn’t change your life. And, most men will agree, you need to swallow. If you don’t swallow, you need to learn how.

Spitters are quitters.

2. Give it up more often. Sleeping with your husband should not be work. It should be pleasure. I trust you have all heard, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” Your mom and/or grandmother have told you this for years. Your mother-in-law told you the same thing when you and your husband got engaged. But she wasn’t sleeping with him. Don’t listen to them. This is false. This is the “Better Homes and Gardens” version. The real way to a man’s heart is through sex. He would be happier to have KFC and a blowjob or sex than homemade rosemary chicken with two sides and fresh baked bread and a wife too tired to give it up.

3. Step up your sex game. Put on some slutty clothes and tell him you have been a bad girl. Send him text messages telling him what a dirty girl you are. My husband is probably pretty satisfied with our sex life because we put effort into it. I have said yes to everything he has wanted to try that only involves two people. Step. It. Up.

4. Quit bitching! This would go a long way to keeping your husband happy. Does it really matter which way the toilet paper is on the roll as long as it is on there? Does it really matter if he hasn’t taken the trash out today? Are your hands broken? No? Well then be sure to put the new bag in the trash can so that it doesn’t slip down when you start putting trash in it. There is always “that wife” in the circle of friends who makes everyone uncomfortable because she is bitching all the time and just tears her husband apart over the stupidest things. Don’t be “that wife”. If you don’t know who that is, it is you. Stop. Now.

5. Let him look at other women. So he likes Kate Upton because she is hot. (Honestly, who doesn’t? She is pretty hot.) So what? Let him look at her. She is not going to swoop in and take your husband away to some magical land where all they do is bang it out all day. This is not going to happen. So let him look. Let him peep someone out at the mall. Is it really hurting you? No, especially since you were eye balling Channing Tatum in Magic Mike. Who cares where he gets his appetite as long as he comes home to eat.

6. Don’t use the kids as an excuse. We have three kids, with 9 years between the first and last. I have had little kids at home for a very long time. When I gave birth to all three of our kids and “wasn’t available,” my mouth still was. The world doesn’t stop because you become parents. How did you get that way? This especially pertains to the stay at home moms. I work full time and I give a weekly blowjob. Plus, we bang it out a few times a week. Make it a priority. Don’t grow apart, grow together. I understand that things are hard and chaotic, but that is life. This means that sometimes, you have to get it in when you can fit it in.

7. Stop trying to change him. He married you hoping you would never change and you married him hoping he would. You thought he had “potential” to be a great father and husband someday. Goodness gracious. Stop! He is who he is and all you’re doing is fostering a feeling of ill will and resentment. You may think that he is accepting it and you are making headway. But what you should be doing is accepting him and giving him head.

8. Let him do the things he enjoys. I know, I sound crazy right? You have been home all week while he “got” to go out and earn a living so you should be able to have him on the weekends. Or you have worked all week too and the chores don’t do themselves. I get that you want to spend time with him. If you let him go out and enjoy his hobbies, he will appreciate that. If you let him go play a round of golf on Saturday morning, then he will come home Saturday afternoon ready and willing to hang out with you and the kids. He is out there all week grinding and working for your ungrateful ass and you can’t even let him get in a round of golf? Four hours and he is back at the house with you and the kids. If you can’t allow this, you really need to look within. Let him go.

9. Stop keeping score. Life is not a pissing contest. Who cares if you are right? Who cares how many times you have taken the trash out compared to the amount of times he has helped you with the laundry?You are not going to die and have God say “Well you were right 87% of the time and you did 97% more of the chores than your husband.” Get off your ass and take the trash out. Women are lucky that their husbands don’t have the kind of memory they do, because things would get really ugly.

10. Don’t be a “Yoko”. Men get married to awful women who expect that they will drop all of their friends when they tie the knot. Or, at least the ones she doesn’t like. Stop breaking up the band. It is so much more fun to get involved in the stuff they do than to stand around and bitch about it (see #4). Don’t make your husband take his ball and go home. Go watch them make fools out of themselves or hell, play along. It will go a long way with his friends accepting you and feeling comfortable around you, which in turn, you may see a side of them you didn’t even realize was there.

11. Stop making him do shit he doesn’t want to do and go places he doesn’t want to go. Stop with the couples baby showers. Hell, I don’t even like to go to those things. No man wants to go to a baby shower. He didn’t even want to go to the baby shower for his own kids. The person who invented the couples shower should be shot. They have really messed it up for everyone. He also doesn’t want to go to birthday parties for kids he barely knows or weddings for people he has never met. (Functions for people at work are a little different because modern day office politics almost require attendance. However, those events should always have an open bar.) Stop having weddings and functions during big football games, The Masters, opening day of baseball or hunting or whatever else he wants to do. I have a friend who is pregnant. She is due in October. We are having her baby shower on September 13 because that is an open date for Auburn Football. Yes, I schedule things around football and you should too.

12. Be Cool. I realize that this may be the hardest part of all of this for you to do. It is a very broad statement but it really encompasses all of the “intangibles” a man is really looking for in a mate. I have been considered the “cool wife” for a while now. I have been invited to play golf, go to games, go out drinking, and other fun things that are generally considered “guy stuff.” One of the reasons is I am a tomboy, but it is also because since I can’t beat them, I join them. I tell dick jokes and laugh when my husband and his friends do the same. I also know some of the jokes will be about me and I embrace it. I went to have lunch with my husband one Valentine’s Day. A couple of his boys asked him what he got me for Valentine’s Day. He said he got me a “cockmeat sandwich.” They looked at me, expecting me to get mad. All I did was reply, “What can I say? I was hungry.” They started laughing and later told my husband that he had a cool wife and asked how someone like him got a girl that was cool and hot. I also allowed a bachelor party, complete with a keg and a stripper, to be held at my house. I left and didn’t care what happened as long as they didn’t burn the place down. When I got home, there was whipped cream on the entertainment center and beer spilled on my carpet. I asked if they had fun and when the carpet cleaner would be there in the morning. Then I kicked back a few drinks with them. That is how you play it cool.

13. If all else fails, sex will cure it all. If you find yourself struggling with any of the topics above, resort back to numbers 1 or 2. When he comes in after a long, grueling day at work, have a cold beer ready for him and tell him when the kids go to bed, you will give him a blowjob. There is nothing that giving him a little ass cannot cure. Ask him. All the men reading this are agreeing with me. Once, during an argument with my husband, I asked him if I went down on him right then, could we just let it go. He quickly agreed.

Ladies - that is how you keep your husband happy. Your husband is reading this right now nodding his head at everything I have written. If you don’t read Outkick (you are really missing out) your husband is now plotting on how he will get this article into your hands, channeling his inner Ralphie in “The Christmas Story,” who put an ad for the Red Rider BB gun in his mother’s magazine. He wants you to see it because it could mean more blowjobs, more sex, and a nicer, less bitchy wife. That is marital bliss to men.

Stop the madness! Give it up. Bang it out. That is the key to a happy marriage.