11 things not allowed into 2013

There are some things I will happily welcome into 2013 with open arms. A rumored Arrested Development movie? Come right in. A Royal Baby? I’ll take it. However, there are other things that are simply not allowed in. We were WAY too lenient in 2012 with what we would and wouldn’t put up with; apparently we’re all a bunch of pushovers around here. But a new year needs to bring about some new rules, and someone’s got to put their foot down. So, along with a milestone birthday that pushes me into the “Upper 20’s” category, here are some other things I do NOT want to see happening in 2013:

Chubbies.

If you’re living in SEC territory, as many of us are, I’m afraid these things aren’t going away any time soon. All I ask is that if you’re choosing to wake up and present yourself to the world each day in these, then at least have the decency to not adorn your body with any other annoying articles. That means no Crocs, no Vibrams, no man jewelry, no calf tats, no Bluetooth headsets—no exceptions.

Not wearing pants.

Hey, ladies? Do you have a minute? K, cool, thanks. Well, can you do me a quick favor? It’s just… I need you to wear pants. K? This is literally a “quick” favor. I timed myself and it takes me 5 whole seconds to slip a pair on. I know, crazy! But it really is that easy! Just put them on. Ladies (and sadly, Clay, on occasion), why are we fighting pants? Pants are good. Pants have been an essential component of outfitting oneself since the dawn of time. Pants are here to help us all.

Addressing letters on your Facebook status to inanimate objects or intangible ideas that will never, ever read said letter.

Examples: “Dear Winter, Didn’t expect you here so soon! Hate to break it to ya, but you are not wanted here any more. Go away #thankyouverymuch. Sincerely, Mike.”

Or “Dear Amazing Pumpkin Spice Latte, Why are you sooo good? I love you so much. Thank you for making my day complete. XOXO Love, Amber.” 

A healthy alternative to publicly addressing a Pumpkin Spice Latte on a public forum could be quietly writing it in your diary, or just shutting the hell up and drinking your pumpkin spice latte and moving on with your day like a respectable person.

Anne Hathaway.

When I Googled “Anne Hathaway annoying” for research purposes, (STRICTLY research purposes, I would NEVER Google that for my own sick pleasure and enjoyment…) the first link that popped up was a Yahoo message board entitled “Why is Anne Hathaway So Annoying?” See?? It’s not just me, people are plagued by this! People are desperate for answers! People are reaching out to one another—mere strangers deep, deep inside the Interwebs—banding together with one common goal. It’s extremely refreshing to see such unification amongst such a turbulent nation. It’s nice to know it doesn’t matter your age, race, gender—we are all the same when it comes to our hate for Anne Hathaway.

The word “Swaggy.”

We can all thank the mortal God otherwise known as Justin Beiber for this annoying phenomenon. NPR’s All Things Considered labeled “Swag” 2011’s Hip-Hop Word of the Year, so I thought this mess was behind us once we entered 2012. Wrong. Of course Justin Beiber could single-handedly make the English language take a turn for the worst, adding a few irritating letters and resurrecting the stale, hackneyed “Swag” and morphing it into something even more exasperating. Always remember: only The Beibs has the power to change annoying verbs into even more annoying adjectives.

Kate Upton.

Clay might blacklist me from OKTC for eternity, but I’m gonna go ahead and say it: I just don’t think she’s that great. There are much, much prettier models out there (and much prettier models who don’t have to do vile cat daddy dances to get us to notice them. JUST SAYIN.) Now let’s move onto the next one quickly please before you guys have a chance to digest what I just said…

Honey Boo Boo Child.

This show isn’t funny. It’s actually really, really disturbing. Why is everyone okay with this show? Well, everyone except Adam Levine. He said it best when he told GQ Magazine “That show is literally The. Worst. Thing. That's. Ever. Happened” and that it’s “the decay of Western Civilization.” I can honestly look you all in the eye and say that I’ve never once in my life seen an episode. Not even a portion of an episode. The only time my eyes, ears and brain were all unexpectedly and viciously accosted by this atrocity was during Barbara Walters’ “10 Most Fascinating People of 2012” show a few weeks back. I was horrified and confused when she included the Boo Boo family in her countdown, and even more horrified and confused when I learned that the show’s first season averaged 2.3 MILLION viewers.

50 Shades of Grey.

This book simply isn’t good. Question for all your horndogs out there: take out the sensationalism of the explicit erotica, bondage, dominance/submission, sadism and masochism, and what do you have? Clay’s answer would be, “Hold on, wait, why on earth would you take all of that out?!” But the real answer is: you’re left with a poorly written shell of a book, wrought with irritating characters, asinine dialogue and a far-fetched plotline. But mainly I don’t like this book because it prompted Barbara Walters to say on a recent episode of The View that she likes a man to “be in charge and do kinky things.” Commence ear bleeding…now.

Jessica Simpson being pregnant.

Weren’t we punished enough the 2 ½ years Jessica Simpson was pregnant the FIRST time? Why is she doing this to us again, mere months after giving birth?? What did we ever do to deserve this? When Jessica Simpson is pregnant, there are consequences. Severe consequences, like the statement she made on Jay Leno this past year: "I just started calling myself Swamp Ass. Like, I have 'swamp ass' right now. I had major swamp ass because I was wearing these Spanx to hold in my gut. It's like the bayou up in that region.” Eric Johnson ventures up into “that region.” Eric Johnson is a brave man.

Saying Nom nom nom nom.

People really like to say this while gazing longingly at the food they’re about to consume. Who invented this awkward way of speaking? What does it mean? People who say "Yum yum" or "yummy" are already bad enough, now this? It’s infinitely worse when you make eye contact with me WHILE you’re saying "nom nom nom." It makes me feel uncomfortable, and I don’t know how to react to you. Is this a phrase that merits some sort of response from me? Or is this just a private, intimate moment between you, yourself and your overzealous taste buds, and I should just quietly stand by until you’re done nomming? I need answers.

The entire state of Florida.

So, seriously, is there anything we can do about Florida? Anything at all? Please let me know ASAP. Just this year alone, Florida was home to some of the most horrific debacles and controversies, from the face-eating bath salt cannibals, to the Casey Anthony case, to the Trayvon Martin shooting, to the guy who kite-surfed in Tropical Storm Debby, to THIS PERSON…Yeah. Florida is definitely not allowed into 2013. 

(Stop right there. If you didn't click on the link above, go do it. Now. You won't regret it.)

This is only scratching the surface—I’m certain I missed some inane trends that ran rampant during 2012. But I hope you’ll join me in my plight in making sure we fight the good fight for a non-annoying New Year.